In an attempt to keep costs down on our kitchen remodel, we opted not to replace any of the appliances. They were all pretty old and not particularly stylish (shiny, black, basic), but they worked. They probably wouldn't work much longer, we guessed, but we could live with them for now. We'd replace them as needed, once they officially gave out and died.
It turns out Appliance Death is not exactly a cut-and-dry sort of thing. Much of our lives since have been spent locked in existential debate about the fate and mortality of our stupid appliances.
The dishwasher "died" on a semi-regular basis from the day we moved in, but we found it could usually be revived with a couple vigorous slams of the door. If that didn't work, we just needed to pop open the control panel and replace a particular fuse that kept blowing. Also the top rack was prone to popping off its track and falling off completely if you pulled it out a touch too far. That cost us a couple dishes every now and then, but hey, it's all just Ikea and Goodwill crap. Other than all of those things, the dishwasher works! It's alive! It's fine!
Eventually, after replacing the fuse yet again, then watching our children repeatedly slam the door over and over again in an attempt to get the start button to respond only a day later, Jason decided enough was enough. Labor Day appliance sales were around the corner; the dishwasher was given a DNR order in the meantime.
(The amount of dirty dishes that piled up in anticipation of our shiny new dishwasher was truly embarrassing, as we all kinda forgot that things called sinks exist, and that they can be used to wash things.)
That left us with three appliances to go, and we took bets on which one would be next.
The bottom shelf on the refrigerator door is held together with duct tape (a delightful discovery I only noticed on move-in day), and every once in awhile the ice maker goes berserk and produces like, 400 ice cubes that spill out everywhere when you open the freezer....but other than that, it works. It's fine.
The oven cooks super unevenly so everything I make requires a lot of extra rotating and shifting. The left side gets much hotter, particularly in the back, so I've gotten used to lopsided cakes and extended cook times because I have to open the door to flip things around so many times. Jason desperately wanted a gas stove when we moved, but every house we looked at had electric, like this one. But other than that...it works.
The microwave seemed to be in the best working order...I mean, it wasn't new or fancy but it nuked things as expected, the buttons all worked, nothing was duct-taped.
But then the plastic vent above the door started randomly falling off. Usually right after you closed the door, preferably after removing something you've just heated up, all the better for the vent to LAND RIGHT ON YOUR HEAD and cause you to DROP HOT FOOD ON YOUR FEET.
Jason thought maybe he could find a replacement vent (it was just one small plastic nub that had broken off, thus keeping it from fully snapping into place) but never actually looked for one. Meanwhile I took to either holding the vent in place every time I opened or closed the microwave door, or jumping backwards and dodging it whenever I forgot.
The vent would then, naturally, go for a particularly long time without falling off, leading me to believe I'd somehow magically fixed it. Then it would lie in wait and nail me directly in the face and shoulder the next time I retrieved a piping hot, overfilled bowl of soup.
So after walking in to find me surrounded by soup-saturated paper towels and yelling "YOU FUCKING BITCH ASS PIECE OF SHIT!" at our microwave, Jason again decided enough was enough. Time for a new microwave.
(The fucking bitch ass piece of shit vent in question.)
We installed it ourselves last night, which was not as easy of a process as we anticipated, because we forgot to measure the height and needed to remove some of the backsplash, and also Jason is allergic reading instructions, plus nothing in this house is EVER installed the way one would expect things to be installed. (Also, WOW, was that old microwave a lot...stickier than I anticipated.)
But we figured it out and lo, we have a shiny new microwave that we got on super sale at Best Buy. And one that 1,000% does not even have a vent to fall off and hit me in the head.
Of course, while shopping for the microwave, I wandered around the appliance section, opening and closing refrigerators and practically moaning with envy. Look at the shelves! Look at the layouts! Look at the sliding freezer drawers and custom temperature zones and built-in beverage racks and total lack of duct tape!
"No," I told myself. "The fridge is not dead yet. The fridge is alive and the fridge is fine."
I found Jason standing in front of the gleaming, gas-range ovens, tapping away on his phone and muttering stuff about getting a propane tank and propane service because he's sick of cooking with this electric crap mutter mutter mutter.
Our appliances aren't dead. No. No no no. We're waiting for the day when we can send them upstate, to a nice big farm in the country. To be with our old dishwasher. And the rabbits and ducks or whatever.
(Don't even get me started on our washer and dryer. We'll be here all damn day.)