Seven, Part III
Where I Am

Where I Almost Went

There's no nice or clever way to say any of this, so let's just get right down to it. 

On Saturday, June 2nd, 2018, I overdosed on a combination of Xanax, Ativan and alcohol.

It was not an accident.

You don't swallow a 90-day supply's worth of benzos by accident. You swallow them by handful after deliberate handful. 

It was far from the first time I contemplated doing just that, but it was the first time I decided to follow the dark thoughts down the rabbit hole. 

I don't actually remember any the following, but the facts appear to be:

  • After passing out on the bathroom floor for awhile, I somehow managed to make it down several flights of stairs to Jason, who was watching TV in the basement. 
  • After unsuccessfully trying to make me throw up, he called 911.
  • An ambulance took me to the ER, where I was intubated, restrained and deeply sedated. 
  • (I was also, according to my report, deeply "combative" and definitely nobody's favorite patient that night.)
  • I spent most of Sunday in the ICU, drifting in and out of consciousness. Usually just long enough to claw at the painful tube in my throat and then decide that nope, I do not like this dream, I shall go back to sleep now. 

I do remember waking up for good at some point on Monday. 

A few hours later, I was transferred to the hospital's inpatient psych ward. I spent the rest of a very surreal (and yet brutally, soberingly real) week there.

I am home now.

I am here now. 

And thank goodness, I'm here to stay. 

 

Comments

darra

We love you. I wish I lived in your neighborhood and could come clean house, bake muffins and wash your car for you. Please don't go away. It matters to your Internet friends and your IRL friends that you live. Please don't go. I am so glad you are here on this earth with me.

TranceJen

Love to you. I’m glad you’re still here.

Heather

Sending you so much love ❤️

Stacy McNally

Hugs, girl.

Ally Niphakis

Sending you love and hope. Thank you for being real enough to write about this.

Kirsty

Oh Honey, I'm so sorry... I've been there (I've soooo been there) but my inpatient stint was almost a year, 6 months of which in the "secure unit". Sobering barely covers it. There was another 5-month stint after that, with ECT (some memory loss, but otherwise seems to have worked), but since being definitively released in May 2014, all has been (for the most part) well.
I know each story is different, and each treatment is different, but this is just to say that you can get through this. And we're all here to help you do it if you need us (I'm speaking for all of your readers, but I'm sure they're OK with it just this once). One day, you'll come more or less out the other side and find that you can, actually, do this thing called "living".
Hang in there. This, too, shall pass.

Elaine C. B.

I don't know what to say, but I have to say something. I am so glad you got/are getting help. You are loved, and I'm sorry you are/were in pain. We are all cheering for you, so so hard.

Jackie

Oh Amy, I’m so glad you’re here. So much love coming your way.

Julie

As someone who has been following you for many years now (and feeling like we were friends-in my head, at least) I just wanted to tell you that I'm so very sorry that you felt so horrible. I'm also very very happy you are still here.

Lee

Sending hugs, love and light your way. Your honesty is one of the things I love about you most. You matter. The world (those near and far) need your light. It's a hard road. Take it a little at a time. Get the help you need. With love, Lee

peanutsmama

I don't have, or even know the right words to say, except I'm glad you're here. I hate that you're in such pain. Sending you and your family love.

Julie

Oh honey, I'm so glad you're still here. Please stay here. People love you. You matter. I know it hurts, but please stay.

Heather Laura Clarke

Oh my goodness. So glad you’re OK and still with us! xoxoxo

Lisa Lucht

Oh Amy... Please continue to take care of yourself. The world would be a very sad place without you in it. Sending you love.

Colleen Schmitt

I'm glad you're still here!

Tessa

I’m a lurker who has religiously read your posts since pre-Noah. Your voice and family bring joy and insight and laughs and compassion for others to people you don’t even know. I’m glad you are here. I’m glad it’s to stay. You are loved and the world is better with you in it. Keep fighting and fuck depression’s lies so hard.

Jess

I don't know you at all beyond the amazing words you share here--for which I am always so grateful!--but I love you and you matter. You are good enough. Your demons do not define you. If any of us can help, we are here for you. Sending a giant mental hug and all the good cosmic vibes my soul can muster straight to your head and heart.

Kris

Amy, as someone you have never met but has been reading your work since pre-Noah days, I feel like you are a friend and I’m sure so there’s so many more like me out there. We love you, and are so happy you’re here. I’m sorry you are going through this. Sending love.

laney

I'm so glad you're here. love love LOVE to you.

Jenn

I am so glad you are still with us. ❤️

Jenn

Light and love, I’m so glad you’re still here. ❤️

Amy

I'm so sorry you're hurting. I've been reading your blog so long (before Ezra) and it makes me sad that you're having a hard time. I'm glad you're alive. I hope your family and doctors help you recover. I know how you feel and have contemplated doing something as well. We love you here and I know your boys love you too. <3

Lynn

Love you. Glad you are here. Please stay.

Annie Vandehey

Love you glad you’re here I know it’s hard.

Jodes

I really want you to stay.

Jessica

I'm so damn glad you're still here and getting help. You are loved and you can get through this.

Erika

Amy! Oh, Amy, I’m so glad you’re still here. I don’t know what’s happening in your life that made this feel like the only option, but I have been there before and, like you, am still here.

It will not feel like this forever. Brain chemistry is a bitch, but treatment options are getting better every year.

Lean on the people who love you and let them carry you through this. Keep breathing. That’s as strong as you have to be.

Nicole

I've come to you for so many years for advice. I'll echo Lynn - love you, glad you are here, and please stay.

cosmicgirlie

Coming out of lurking (for a loonnnnnng time, you already know), to remind you that I love you. I know of your story. I most definitely know this story.

I love you, and I'm glad you're still here.

Vicki

Hi Amy - I've thought about suicide many times. I chickened out during my one real attempt. I'm thinking of you and want you to know you're not alone. We need you here.

Jaclynn

Please stay!

Sam

Love to you. Keep getting treatment. Know you are loved 💙.

Jess

I’m so glad you’re here. Please stay. We love you!

Amy

((((hugs))))

Kim L

Your words and photos have made me smile and brightened my days for years. Thank you for sharing when things are good or bad. I am glad you are home and alive. Depression is real, relentless and baffling. I’m sorry shit has been hard.

Abby

Delurking to say I’m glad you’re here. I’ll say a prayer that you get all the help you need and this darkness clears.

Jennifer

Amy. I know I know so much. I have a list of ways I don’t write down. I’m hanging by a thread, but so sad for you, beautiful lady. I know we haven’t talked in s long time, BUT I KNOW! Please reach out in anyway. I’m here. Trying to stay that way. Much love.

@thejennui
💜💜💜💜

SarahB

Good God. I'm glad you're here, so glad you're here.

You've helped make some bumpy roads less bumpy for me through your writing--let us know what we can do for you, even just commenting here.

Beegirl

I am so sorry you have been in so much pain. Wishing love and light and healing to you. You do matter. The brain can play terrible tricks on itself and self-sabotage. Hoping you start feeling better soon.

janine

dang, thank you for sharing this. i've been reading since noah was a teeny baby and often (in a totally non-creepy way, i promise!) read back into your archives when i'm having a bad day or just need to check out at work. you don't need another internet stranger to tell you this but you are so very much loved and needed. so incredibly glad you are still here.

Mary

I'm so glad you're still here. I'm rooting for you. Sending love and light to you and your family.

Jocelyn

Thank you for staying.

Erin

I’m so sorry you are hurting. I am so amazed by your openness and amazing strength and honesty. Much love to you and yours.... so glad you are still here. Internet strangers unite - anything you need you have only to ask. Great big hugs.

Becky

Sending nothing but love and support to you from a gal that has also traveled this road.

Susannah

You are loved. Thank you for deciding to stay here. The world is a better place with you in it.

Erin G

Glad you're back. Please stay. We care for and about you an awful lot. XOXO

Lisa

You matter. Your life story matters. Thank you for sharing your story with us. Keep fighting.

Melissa

Coming out of lurking as well to say that I am so sorry that you are hurting this much and that I am so glad that you decided to stay.

You matter, you are important and you are loved.

Sending love and good vibes to you and your boys (all four of them). You can and will get through this. I have faith in you.

Now, go rest and take care of yourself. We will wait. You are what is most important now.

Love,
Mélissa

Andrea

Amy prayers and hugs my friend. I’m so glad you are HERE. Recovery isn’t the easy road. But I am so thankful you choose it.

Kristabella

Love you, lady. I am glad you are still here. We need you in this world. xoxo

Lauren E

Amy, we've never met (although we do have a mutual acquaintance from your UMD days) but I feel like I know you so well after being a loyal reader since before Noah was born. I have been where you are now. You are so much stronger than you know. I am relieved you are still with all of us. Thank you for being so open and honest. Sending so much love to you.

Katie

I found your blog back in 2005 when I googled “I’m pregnant and so fat it hurts” or something totally silly just to see what I found... and I found Amalah. I have followed you all these years. The internet is weird, but I feel like I know you in a way. I’m so glad you got help and also think it’s so incredibly brave and honest and true to write about it. I’m glad you’re here and am rooting for you and your whole family....I’m so sorry you have been hurting....keep writing about it even if you don’t post all of it! You have a gift.

ccr in MA

I'm so sorry for what you were feeling, and so glad you aren't gone.

LeighTX

I am so glad you're still here. My husband grapples with suicidal thoughts almost daily so I see this from the other side. I know there are no magic words to convince someone to stay, but . . . please stay. There is only one you, and you are important, and needed, and loved.

maria reilly

Thank you for choosing Life.. My dad tried this as well... it is heartbreaking and I am so sorry you felt so alone and sad :( Glad you are back.. You are beautiful and an inspiration..Thank you for your honesty

Brianna

I'm so glad you are still here. Much love. Thank you for sharing this. <3

Cara

Many, many hugs to you. I’m so glad you’re still here ❤️

Sarah

You are so loved. I am praying for you and hoping you find some relief through good drugs, therapy and support from your friends and family. You are one strong and brave lady. There are good days ahead. I am so glad you are still here.

Suzanne

I am a long time reader and infrequent commenter, but I want to say that I am so glad you are still here. You are loved and needed. You matter. Love and strength to you and your family.

Mandy

THANK YOU FOR BEING BRAVE ENOUGH TO SHARE. (THIS DESERVES ALL CAPS EVEN THOUGH THEY ARE ANNOYING)

Joanna

So glad you're still here. Thinking of you. <3

Isabel

I don't know what to say other than - I'm glad you didn't succeed and you're still here. Please stay. All the hugs in the whole wide world to you!

sylvie

I am so sorry - I cannot even imagine the pain you must have felt to take you there.
wish words were not so helpless. You matters. your boys love you just the way you are. Keep fighting.

Carrie

I’m so sorry that you felt so desperate. My heart aches for you. All of this is so hard. We are all hanging on so tenuously it seems. I’m glad you shared this. And I’m glad you are getting help. We are all here for you. We have been and we will continue to be. When you are weak, we’ll be strong for you. Whatever you need. Big hugs to you and to Jason. That can’t have been easy for him either. ❤️❤️

Jessie

So very glad you are here. <3

Cheyenna

Mental illness sucks. Thank you for sharing. I am so sorry that the demons in your brain are wrecking havoc. I love you and I am so glad that you are still with us. So much love to you and your family.

Nicole

You're so brave to share that. I'm so glad you're still here. I've been reading your blog for years now. Hugs beautiful blogger friend.

chiquita

Long time reader... sporadic lately but I'm glad this popped up in my Facebook feed. You got me through some rough times when my daughter was young. (she's 10 now) So glad you got some help and wishing you love, peace and strength to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Janice Barnett

Thank you for sharing something so very personal. I have a lot of family members who fight depression and are getting the help that they need. Please keep fighting and know that your family and friends need you. Love and Prayers

Lee

So, so glad you're still here.

Kim McCafferty

Oh dear I am so sorry you are hurting in this way! I wish I was closer so I could e there for you ,to help you with anything you need or just be a shoulder for you. I'm thankful you are here to tell us your story. Sending love and prayers your way

Emily Keller

Sending love and hugs. My favorite saying that hangs on the wall says "you are worth it" and you Amy are worth it. I'm glad you are here to stay

Elissa

Sending love. So sorry you are hurting, but so glad you are here.

Melissa

Long-time reader, almost never commenter here. I am so, so, so happy you're still here. Sending so much love and your way.

Tiff

I'm an Internet stranger, but you're one of my favorite people I don't know. I'm glad you're here.

Lisa

I'd miss you terribly if you were gone. I'm glad you crawled back. And so sorry you have to endure that kind of pain.

Kelly

Please, please stay! Please keep fighting against that darkness. Many of us are locked in that same battle and we need each other to win. I know it’s exhausting but keep fighting. There’s an unseen army behind you, supporting you. We love you.

Annemr

So sorry that your illness (and that's what it is, no shame!) got so bad. I and several in my family suffer from depression. I've never gotten to that point but I know how hopeless depression can make you feel. I'm praying that your family is supportive and understanding. Your posts have been a hilarious, shining light over the years! I've read them out loud to many as I giggle away and they wonder why. The way you tell your stories is so unique and REAL (certainly with appropriate caps when needed!) Thank you for sharing your life over the years and for sharing this. Prayers and hugs as you recover.

Cali

I’m so glad you’re here.

Miriam

Depression is an asshole and a lier and also kills fish.
Please reread Allie Brosh's Depression Parts I and II.
There is more life to live. Sending you my love.

Michele

I’ve been there. I’m glad you are still here. I’m sorry that in that moment the black won. I’m glad you beat it. And I’m glad you feel comfortable enough here to share.

Chris

I’m so glad you’re still here. I’ve taken your parenting advice to heart for so many years, and in my head, we are friends. You are loved and appreciated and needed. Please don’t go.

Kelly

I'm so sorry you felt/feel so bad. You are loved by so many that you know and do not. Thank you for always sharing your life with us internet strangers, the good and the bad.

Supertiff

Sending love and light ♡

Jan Ross

Oh, honey. I know it’s tough but you have so many people who care about you. I have been reading for years and can imagine the pain you are going through. Hang in there. Serious virtual hugs.

Holly

So many have already said what I feel much better, but adding my voice to the chorus of internet strangers who love you and are rooting for you.

Tara

Prayers, hugs, good vibes and all sorts of light and love for you. You are not alone. So many people love and like you and there IS so much good in the world. Please be well. Please know there is support, and kindness and good everywhere, even though it may seem like real sh!t much of the time.
All my best.

Orion

I’ve never commented here but need for you to know how deeply we appreciate your writing. Your writing has served as waypoint markings for our family during some difficult times... markets helping us see that someone else came this way and made it out. That’s said, you’ve surely amplified and enhanced the good times we’ve had too!

For what it is worth, from a complete stranger, we love you and are so glad you are here with us. Please don’t leave.

KLC

We are so glad you are here and so sorry to hear you in such pain. Please take time to be well for yourself & your family. We will be here waiting to see your brave words again.

Katie

Sending you my best wishes and love. I'm so glad you're still here. Sending you some virtual hugs (or high fives if you're not up for the hugs).

yasmara

I hope you continue getting the help you need and I'm sending good thoughts through the universe to you and your family.

Kriss

I’m sorry for your pain. You are beloved, and stronger than you realize.

I want you to know, because of you & Noah, I recognized the early signs of autism and got my son diagnosed well before his 3rd birthday. The early intervention made all the difference in the world, and he’s thriving now. This is, no doubt, because of you. You matter, and you are important, and you’ve helped me and my little family more than you will ever know.

Fuck the darkness. Find your way back to your happy, one moment at a time.

Charlotte

I am so glad you are still here.


Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain’s deaths have left me feeling sad but your confession has “me shook” as the kids say. I feel that we could be friends in real life. My Baby Ike is named Ike in part because of you. I hope you continue to find your peace and healing.

Nanette

Much love to you and yours. Please don't go. xoxo

jodi

oh Amy, I am so very sorry to hear that, and so very sorry we don't come yesterday. I'm here if you need anything.

Margaret

I'm just a reader and we don't know each other, but sending love.

mary d

I've been lurking since before Noah was born and I don't think I've ever commented before. I don't know what to say but I want to tell you that you are so loved and appreciated. You matter. It must've been so hard to share this.

Amy Bridges

OMG I LOVE YOU SO MUCH. You're just amazing and I love you so hard. This: "Keep fighting and fuck depression’s lies so hard." Maybe if we team up, we can fight it together. I am on your side. Always.

kelly

Fuck.

The dark thoughts lie. They lie and lie and lie and lie.

I've never met you, but I've been reading for years. You're important to me. I care about you and your family. The world is a better place with you in it. You matter.

I'm so glad you're still here. Please stay.

Rachel

Please know that this world would be a darker, less joyful place without you in it. There are no perfect words that will make this better, so let me borrow from The Bloggess, “Depression lies.” I’m not a praying person, but you and your family are in my thoughts.

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