Where I Almost Went
The Night Of

Where I Am

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Wow. 

Wow. 

WOW.

For once, I am truly out of words. Which, as you can see from all the stereotypical-crazy-person scribbling I did in the psych ward last week, literally never happens. 

(I wrote everything using the same kind of tiny eraser-less pencils you get at IKEA. I find that beautifully poetic, in a way.)

I am out of words because you, the Internets, the peoples, the friends in both real and online life, said so many words. Kind, loving, caring and kick-ass words. Which I was not expecting. I don't know what I was expecting. (WHO READS BLOBS ANYMORE, RIGHT?) 

I suppose more warped depression-think led me to believe that I would hit the publish button and get either 1) crickets, 2) a couple head-pats from one or two people, or 3) a bunch of comments accusing me of Being Dramatic or Attention Seeking or Dooce Did It First or something.

(Fun fact! A few weeks ago I talked myself out of calling the Suicide Prevention Hotline in the middle of the night because I worried I was just being super dramatic. Plus Jason had a really early work meeting the next morning and someone had to get to get the kids to school and like, GOD AMY, NOBODY HAS TIME FOR YOUR SHIT RIGHT NOW.)

I am aware this thinking is warped! And wrong! It is good to speak up and ask for help! And apparently lots of people have lots of time for my shit! 

Anyway, thank you to those people, and all of the people who took a moment to comment/post/share/email/text/smoke signal yesterday. If you haven't heard from me yet, you will. It's all just a tad overwhelming right now. (Especially since at the time I handed my phone over to hospital security, the number of unread/unanswered text messages were already approaching the triple digits.) And re-entry syndrome is definitely a thing, since while I know on some level that I'm not alone out here with the depression and anxiety, it's not as easy to identify the People Like You out in a world where everybody is allowed to wear shoes and clothing with drawstrings. 

I wrote a lot of stuff last week that I plan to go through and piece together and publish, so I guess this will turn into a mental health blog for a few weeks. (Presented with minimal commercial interruption by Blue Apron and thredUP, because let's be honest, the out-of-pocket doctor bills came home before I did.) I definitely recognize my unique privilege to just lay it all out there and talk openly about it, plus just a few days ago I was begging for permission to borrow the community electric razor so I could shave my legs while another adult supervised. That's a pretty good experience for killing the ol' ego. 

In the meantime, look! I took Beau to get a haircut yesterday. His ears are way too big for his head now and I can't stop laughing at him. 

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He clearly feels faaaaaaabulous, though. 

(I made the appointment myself! I had to call them on the phone.)

Comments

Cyndi Tatum

❤️❤️

Susan

Calling people on the phone is HUGE! It would be for me anyway. I have serious phone anxiety! So YOU GO GIRL!!! Seriously, one step at a time. It can be the tiniest step. As long as you keep walking forward.

Joanna

So glad to hear from you! I'm an avid reader (I have 2 little boys and love hearing about your 3). I have been thinking about you lots. I struggle with anxiety and your posts have always helped me! Keep talking to us. <3

Elizabeth

You are staggeringly strong, thank you for sharing this. I don't think I have ever actually commented before and I am ashamed that this is what it takes to get me out of my shell, but you have been such a comforting bestie-that-lives-in-my-computer for so long, the openness with which you share has given me hope in tough times and I am really really glad you're here. Thank you for being you.

cosmicgirlie

Proud of you. Thank you for your strength (even if you don’t feel it), thank you for your voice (even though you think it should be silenced), and thank you for your honesty (I still believe today, 20 years after being in a psych hospital, that no one believes this stuff actually happens).

Still following you, still totally have time for your shit.

Roberta

Amy. I just caught up. I am so glad you are here. I am breathless to think you almost slipped away. I have been reading your words for over a decade, and you always, always, bring me joy. You are a light. You are goddamn rainbow unicorn glitter sparkle. We need you. You are loved. I know you know this, consciously. I know that awful dark part of your brain lies. It tells untruths. Tell it to fuck off. Just stay. One breath at a time, one minute, one day, one hour. Stay. You are needed. You are supported. You are loved. We've got your back. We're so glad you are here. xoxo

MB

What cosmicgirlie said. Still following you, still have time for your shit. Take care. Hang in there. Breathe.

Jenni

When pizza places invented online ordering it was like a f*cking revolution of happy for me --I hate the phone. I'm just an internet reader who enjoys your sense of humor, found you through the pregnancy calendar long ago --but you are a gift to so very many, whether you're feeling like it or not. And BTW, we all have time for your shit. Also, wouldn't some universal healthcare be awesome right about now? Am I right? Keep on persisting.

Felicia

I’ve been reading your blog since 2014 when I was pregnant with my first child. Your stories made me laugh and made me less afraid of becoming a mother to a little boy when I was only 21 years old. I’m so happy you’re still here, writing, living. I know you have plenty of people IRL who will tell you this, but you have so many people who care about you. You’ve been on my mind all day, and your story has given me the strength I need to finally look into therapy for my deep rooted anxiety and anger issues. Thank you for sticking around.

Denise

I can't imagine what you have been going through, but I'm SO GLAD that you're still here. I look forward to your blog posts - even the sponsored ones are entertaining to me. Blogs are such weird things - you don't know me, I don't really know you, but I get glimpses of your life, and it makes me feel like I know at least a little bit about you. Like, if I saw you on the street, I wouldn't stop and say hi, because I'd feel weird, but I'd be able to say to myself, "hey, that's Amalah!" I'm being long winded. I just wanted to say I'm so happy you're still here, and that you're staying here. I'm happy for you, for your husband and kids, for everyone who loves you, and for those, like me, who don't really know you, but like to read your blog. *hug*

Liz

You're the best. We all love you and we aren't going anywhere.

Don't put the pressure on yourself to respond to everyone who contacted you-- that's a heavy weight and totally unnecessary!!! NO ONE will be offended.

So relieved you're still here. Thank you for everything.

Kelly

So, those depression voices. They are some seriously f-ed up mean girls, amirite? Anyway, I'm glad you are reaching out to rise above that ish.
Your youngest is about 6 months younger than my oldest, and that's how I found you. I enjoy reading your adventures! I am glad you are still here. You just keep putting one foot in front of the other and raising those awesome young men!

Meredith

Agreed - still following, still have time for your shit. It's kind of why I come here :) Proud of you.

Kim

I’m so happy you’re here. Just so very happy.

Darra Ballance

I cried when I read your post yesterday, from so many conflicting emotions: sorrow for your pain and distress, relief that you were ok, horror at the thought that you might have actually died and how would I have ever known? I have been reading your blog for so many years. I always have time for your shit, too. Love to you and your family.

Michelle

I am so happy you're laughing. Bless that little dog. I love you so much for a person I don't "really know." You're one of those "My friend on the internet said..." You helped me through my pregnancies and you just always always make me laugh, even through the hard things. You show me what a strong mother is: you just keep going and you fight so hard. And I"m so sorry you got tired of fighting, but I"m so glad you STILL DID and still are. Stay with us, Amalah. We love you so much.

Amy Bridges

FIGHT SO HARD. Goddamn I'm happy to call you a friend.

Jen

Your honesty in these posts is going to do so much for people who feel similarly but can’t verbalize their feelings like you are now. Kudos to you. Helping yourself is helping others and that’s commendable.

The more we talk about things openly, the better!

Also, I am a silent reader. Never commented before but had to. Wishing you some peace in the days ahead.

Maggie

I don’t ever know what to say in this kind of situation, so I just came here to say: I hear you. I see you. You matter. I’m SO very glad you’re ok.

Raizel

Ugh, phone calls. Now that's something I need emotional support for.

It's common for people, especially mothers, to put themselves last. A neurologist told me this. But, he emphasized, a mother needs to take care of herself *first*. That's what your family needs from you. It's counterintuitive, because it feels like as the adults we should be able to do without. But in actuality, a balanced mother/father will have a balanced family, and not the other way around.

Anyway, looking forward to the upcoming content, I'm sure I'll identify with a lot of the struggles.

Lots of love.

SarahB

You are not alone. Nope, nope, nope. And you have helped many, many folks feel not alone. I shudder to think what my first weeks of my first maternity leave would have been like without the Advice Smackdown archives as company. My friends and I have shared various posts of yours back and forth--we were texting in concern for you last night. These are the same friends who know that I deal with anxiety and encourage me through it.

We're here.

Audrey

I wish I could like the comments already posted in today's blog and yesterday. Others have said it better, but you are AMAZING and BRAVE and LOVED. So glad you are doing better. Saying prayers and sending all the good feels to you and your family as you navigate this stretch of life.

Danielle

I wish I could reach through the computer and give you a hand up!! Can I quote a country song? "If you're going through hell, just keep going." Sending big virtual hugs your way!

Victoria

I am so happy you are still here to share - you are needed and loved.

Niki

Much love to you and your boys.

Also- love to Beau’s ears and crazy smile.

It certainly made me feel better!

Julie

So glad you are still here. Wishing you all the strength and support you need in your continued recovery. I don't post much, but I've been reading you since my first kid was born back in 2009 when we lived in NY. When we moved to AA county, and then you moved right next door, I always kind of daydreamed that we could be friends if we ever bumped into each other in person for some reason - my three boys (9, 7, and 22 months) remind me so much of yours, including our middle boy who has blond hair past his shoulders and would join yours in no haircuts solidarity! So the quasi imaginary friend that you didn't know you had wishes you all the support you need.

Cait

I've been sitting and contemplating what to say to you since you published the other day and I've settled on this. You matter. You matter so much. To me personally you matter, I would be BEYOND devastated if you were to exit this mortal coil ANY time in the near future. Once a Long time ago in the very pit of despair and PPD/PPA myself I wrote to your Alpha mom site. You published my letter. You personally helped me not commit an undoable act that would have left my husband and then infant son. My son just turned four yesterday, he has a mom because you helped me. In no small way, you: Amy Corbett Storch, ensured that my ten month old daughter, the funniest little light in my life right now was able to be born bc I was still around.

I am so glad you got help, you deserve to have that help, you are worth EVERY single bit of all the feelings that you are having, you matter so so much. Please remember that and keep reaching out. I love you very much

hannah

I'm so glad you're still here. Also proud of you for that phone call :-).

JennieBasset

I've been thinking about you since I read your post yesterday. I've read your blog for probably 12 years or so, and I am so happy you are still here. Here on the web (? I'm old) and here on this earth. I hope you are surrounded by support and love and can feel the positive vibes I'm sending your way.

LeighTX

Dooce may have Done It, but she wasn't the first and you won't be the last. It is so important to get stories out there so others can read them and know they're not alone. And it's important for yourself, too--if one day you're slipping down that hole again, you will remember what you wrote and remember all the readers who reached out to say that you are loved and known.

I mentioned yesterday that my husband struggles with depression and often has suicidal thoughts, and reading stories like yours are important to me, too. It reminds me that what he experiences is real, and not unique to him, and helps me be a little more patient. So thank you, and please take care of yourself.

Lisa

I can scarcely imagine something I'd rather read than a mental health blog you write. Of course not because I want you to feel any sorrow, pain at all. But if you feel it, it is a gift to us that you are willing to write about it because you above all others I would read no matter what you wrote.

You make a difference to me.

Martha

so glad you are still here. sending warm thoughts your way.

zoot

You are amazing and OH MY GOD YOUR DOG IS SO CUTE WITH THE SMILING PROUD HAIRCUT!!!

Natosha

I've been following you since 2009/2010 wish so in my head we are friends. I'm so sorry you went through this. After I had my second daughter while she was 4 months old I ended up in a psych hospital. Its a serious adjustment when you get back out and I'm glad someone else felt this way not just me! You have got this, you are strong and loved and you are worth good things!

KimAZ

I want to read all your words and I have SO MUCH TIME FOR YOUR SHIT. All the damn time you need because you matter to me. You may be in the dark right now, but when you share your truth, you SHINE.

El

{{{{Hugs}}}} Take care of you.

Jennifer Gooch

"Dooce did it first" is a funny. I am longtime reader, not much of a comm-enter. I am proud of you for getting help, proud for being so open and honest. The past few weeks with the news and reading your updates has me reaching out to many people who i know have troubles with these issues. Stay strong, stay healthy and find your balance! I am glad you are still here and hope you find the sunshine in every day.

Katharine

It's hard knowing that the anxiety/depression trains of thought don't make factual sense, because they are damn convincing.

Thank you for your honesty. Hearing about someone else going through helps me--one of Andrea Gibson's poems, "The Nutritionist" has a line:

I have been told, sometimes, the most healing thing to do-
Is remind ourselves over and over and over
Other people feel this too


Sarah

I've never commented before, just been a grade-A lurker for years. You matter to me. I look forward to hearing about your life (we've never met, but I still care), and think of you as a friend, in a very one-sided-pen-pal kind of way. Please know that not every day is easy, and not every day is happy, but every day that you are here, you make others happy.

Shannon Maltese

Stay with us. Keep going. You have a gift. You ARE a gift. To those of us going through what you're going through. To those of us who love to read and laugh and cry a little sometimes. To those of us who know you. To those of us who don't really know you. To those of us who don't know you but really really kinda want to know you. You matter. You're worth it. Please keep fighting the dark.

Christine

I don't have many words about all of this, well, nothing that could be profound or helpful in any way. Except you're honesty and openness about all of this is amazing, and I know will help someone. I don't know you, but I consider you to be a friend after reading your blog for 8 years, and I've been so worried about you. I'm so glad you stumbled downstairs and that Jason took action.

Even if you think you weren't anyone's favorite patient let me assure you that you probably were not the most unfavorite patient, it takes a LOT more than being combative and getting intubated to reach that status (I know this, I'm a peds ICU doctor so I take care of teens that do this all the time, including that intubation and in and out of it for a bit before I transfer to inpatient psychiatry). I feel like my patients are kind of in limbo with me, I patch them up, but I'm so glad that they made it to ME, rather than someone else. So I can find them some help that will really make a difference. I hope that help is really helping your depression/anxiety. Clearly we need new treatment options/modalities out there for this illness, our current ones are not helping those that need it enough.

**hugs**

Terry

I have sobbed for 24 hours now. So, do I love you?? I fucking know I do.
Please, know this to be true.

Heather

In truth, everyone has time for your shit because we’d all like you not have shit, or at least as much, anymore. I totally get it, though. I’m really glad you’re still around and hope you keep on being here.

Michelle

I talk about you like we are old friends to my husband...even though we have never met. Please know that you have given me strength (and a lot of laughs and smiles) when I have felt weak. I truly believe that good things happen to good people...and you are so very, very good. You’ve got this, girl.

Karen O'Donoghue

Amy, I am so glad that you are still here. I have been a reader for years. Your 3 boys are the same ages as my 3 girls. So your blog, with all of its stories and kiddo milestones, is like reading about me in an alternate universe. I never dreamed I would leave a comment however. Never thought I had anything important to say. Well, today is different. I am SO SO glad and relieved that you are still here with your family, with your friends and colleagues, and with us your readers. I hope you have access to the very best healthcare and that you recover and find your way out of this. Thank you for your honesty, especially with this topic.

Kim

I have been reading since Noah was a baby and I also had a son with speech delays. I have been on this journey with you for years and years. You are one of my favorite voices. To hear what happened makes my heart fall. I, too, was in that space. The space where you genuinely feel like everyone would be better off without you. I cannot express how happy I am that you made it down those stairs to Jason. I'm several years out of my deepest darkest time and living the happiest life I ever have (at 43). I'm proof it can turn around. Please, please, please keep taking steps until it does. Because it will. And you deserve it.

Cheryl Comeaux

Proud of you.

Nancy

You've got this, Amy. Please don't feel like you owe us, your blogosphere superfans, ANYTHING - no explanation, no backup, no followup -- but if and when you WANT to update us and/or education us and/or call upon us, please do! We are here for you and want to keep seeing you being really real, however that looks day to day and year to year. You don't owe us anything, and we are here for you. Take care of YOU first and foremost.

janine

i commented yesterday too but here i am again saying SO glad you're here. i was thinking more about it and i'm also SO glad you got to read and hear all of the calls/emails/texts/comments/smoke signals. the irony of the outpouring of love and admiration following death by suicide always breaks my heart. i know it doesn't work that way but if only they could see or hear or read how they matter, then just maybe they'd still be here. i'm glad you did get to see and i'm so glad you're around.

Leslie

You never know how much you mean to people until a time like this. But, better now than after poor Jason had to come to the blog and announce it was done because you were. That would have been awful for so many of us who have come to rely upon you for enriching us with some of your life. You're so open about so many things, I am proud of you.

And Beau's photos made me laugh out loud. On top of the big ears, look at how clean his teeth are! Amazing!

Lindsay

I'm so so so sorry this is happening to you. You belong here.

I've been a reader since I googled some pregnancy-related thing 8 years ago and found you and your hysterical, relatable writing. And, I've been in dark places too where suicide seemed like maybe a thing. It is still a total mystery to me how or why I really stopped being in that place, but I know that it can happen.

When I saw this post I felt like I'd heard this about a good friend. Really, really, really grateful you are still here.

Karen G

I said it yesterday and I'll say it again today. You are brave. Please stay. What I didn't say was that last fall my friend didn't stay. The crater she left is enormous. I'm so glad you got down those stairs and got help.
Also, I hate phone calls and I have a list of appointments I've been avoiding making because of the damn phone and motherforker, I'm totally out of excuses now.

Heather

Dear Amy
I appreciate your courage and openness. I have been reading your blog since forever (a la TTC and haiku smack downs. Like, forever). It’s funny to realize how much you can care about someone you’ve never met, but I want you to know that you matter. Thank you for being you and I am so, so glad you’re still here.
Love
Heather

Beth

Girl! Of course we have time for your shit!! We love it and have loved you for YEARS!!! We come here actively SEEKING to hear what you have to say! So lay it on us!!!
❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

T

Thinking of you! I've been reading since Noah was a baby and you've always been my favorite blogger. I have anxiety and depression too and started on Lexapro about a year and a half ago and it's really changed my life, thankfully. Sometimes when social anxiety kept me from my own friends, you and your family (and pets!) brought a smile to my face. I'm so glad you're here!! xoxox

Noelle

You had me at Deodorant Wars. I remember I laughed so hard I had tears streaming down my face. I enjoy reading about your family and pets so much you don't even know! I'm glad you are still here. You make so many people's day a bit brighter with this blog. Thank you! One day, one hour, sometimes one minute at a time. You will beat this.

Jane

Amy, I want to add my two cents to the mix. I have read your blog, along with a few of my friends, for my entire adult life. Back to before kids, when I was jealous of all your Coach purse buying. :) I have thoroughly enjoyed having you share your life with me, and I have enjoyed experiencing my life events as you did - kids, job changes, just general life stuff. My one friend and I have at times marked the passage of time based on events you write about. (For example, can you believe Noah is going to middle school!?!?) It's a little embarrassing for me to share that, but so be it.

So I just wanted to say thank you. Thank you for sharing your life with your readers and the whole Internet, thank you for being honest about what you are going through, for inviting us in to hear about your struggles. We, your readers, are interested. We are here for you. We want to support you.

I can't believe it's taken me like 12 years to write my first comment on your blog. Should have done it years ago. I look forward to the next few weeks of this being a mental health blog. We can all learn from each others' experiences.

Angela

Thanks for sharing and for the oh-so-relatable anecdotes like having to call the dog groomer on the phone and make the appointment. :) The other day I made 13 appointments with 5 providers (dentist, doctor etc.) for 4 humans and one dog. Obviously a task I despise and put off and for good reason -- 7 phone calls and 2 stressful hours of my life by the time the insurance was sorted and the calendar managed and the calls made! Keep on keeping on and doing the hard things and writing the good stuff!

Angela

I'm so happy you're here, too. I read your blog last night, and then couldn't stop thinking about you all night. Kept waking up in the middle of the night, and you popped into my head.

I've been depressed once before, and it was awful. I cannot imagine that feeling (or lack of feeling?) continuing for longer than it did. Please, continue to ask for help when you need it! We love you.

Katie

I've been reading your blog for about three years now. I started right when I was getting baby fever and wanting to spawn for the first time and kept up with it through all of my pregnancy and everything. When I was up at three in the morning with my hungry newborn, I was reading your blog through sleep deprived eyes to give myself something to do. My daughter is turning two soon and she always likes seeing what's on my phone, so more than a few times she has pointed to a picture of your pets or your boys and said hi to them or poked at them and talked at them in babble. Like a few others have said, my head was super discombobulated yesterday when I read your post. I'm so happy you're okay and I'm so sorry things got so bad for you and my emotions are still all over the place but more than anything I am just so overwhelmingly happy and grateful that you are still here and still writing and that you are planing to share your experiences with us all. Thank you Amy for having the strength and the ability to be so open with us and for being here and taking care of yourself and your family. I'm still sending all my best wishes to you and your family and I hope everything gets better as it goes.

Sarah

Gosh I do love you and can relate so much to so much of this. I am glad you have a vehicle for processing and for support. All the best to you and your sweet family.

Kathleen Wickman

Here's the thing about those goddamned voices in your head telling you all the lies; they don't know you. They don't validate you. They aren't YOU. Don't give them any more real estate in your head than they pay rent for: which is ZERO, bounced check, overdraft, credit no good here.

Here's another thing: this blog is your space. It's YOURS. Not ours. If you need to self-edit what you're putting on here for fear of what we will think, we will say, or how we'll react, then you're not being true to yourself. Screw all of us--screw the naysayers and critics or the pearl-clutchers. If you chose to share your stuff online and we chose to read it, we have the power to change the channel if we don't like the programming. YOU don't. Or at least not yet. WE have the power to lift you up when you're too weary. Ignore those who want to tear you down and take away your worthiness with their petty bullshit. Mean girls (and boys) are out there and woe to those who can't be or say something positive. It's so easy to be an asshole behind the anonymous keyboard. It takes courage and love to reach out and be supportive and tell someone they matter, they are loved, they would be missed and tomorrow will be better and if not tomorrow, then the day after.

"Dooce did it first" is probably my favorite sentence of all time tho. :-)

Amy A

You are so strong and so courageous! You focus on YOU for as long as it takes. Your kids will be fine and your husband can handle things more than adequately, it appears. I’m so very sorry you got to that horrible, horrible mental place, but you will be okay going forward, I promise. The shit storm that is currently happening in my own life has been more than put into perspective when I compare it to your struggle, dear girl
Thinking of you and sending you virtual hugs. XO

Claire Blaylock

Since I read your post yesterday I can’t stops thinking about you Amy. Your blog got me through two pregnancies, a cross country move, and my own battles with mental health. I want you to start feeling relief from all the pain, and I want you to rest. Recover. And I’m so glad you are here- do we know each other IRL? no. But regardless of that fact, I think of you often and I just hope you find peace.

Kim

I’m in the middle of some stuff right now and resolved last night to call my therapist, but then decided this morning not to because ‘I should just quit the drama.’ Thanks for writing this.

ChrisL

Keep putting one foot in front of the other. We do care if you are here and are so happy you stayed! I have been reading your blog for many, many years and think of you as a faraway friend. Do not ever feel as though your not important or that your issues are not important. You are!

Amy A

I hope you realize that when I wrote ‘mental place’ I meant pertaining to the brain. I realize in retrospect that could have been interpreted to mean otherwise, so I sincerely hope that wasn’t the case. XO

CB

Amy, I've been reading your blog since before Ezra too. and I suffer from depression and anxiety as well. you are not alone and depression lies. don't forget.

and I just worked up the nerve to call to make my son a haircut appointment. couldn't do it yesterday as I had already called to make a doctor's appointment for my daughter. two in one day? as if.

Nicole Barlass

Thinking of you and sending hugs! You are valued and incredibly important.

Julie W

I am glad you are still here. ♥️I have so much to thank you for. Because of your honesty while dealing with IEPs I was more together as a spec ed parent. If I ever see you in our neighborhood target I apologize in advance for invading your space to say hello. ♥️

Lisa Moschkau

There's a couple of these services that let you text instead of call: https://www.crisistextline.org/.

I don't know why that's so much less stressful for me, but it is.

Eliza

I've been reading your blog since you lived in DC and I didn't yet. Back when, my partner Rob wrote with Jason on DCFoodies and we even got to hang IRL a couple times. I'm glad you're here. And look at Beau, he's super glad you're here!

Emily

Dear Amy,

I’ve been reading you since before Noah was born when I was a single university student (in Canada!) and barely had anything in common with you. When I was pregnant last year I went back and read your pregnancy calendar and it was still so good and relatable and funny! After your post yesterday I kept suddenly thinking of you and I was so upset. If you weren’t here, I’d be devastated. This was really poorly written but I just wanted you to know we care and we love you and we are so glad you stuck around.

Joni Sutherlin

Never commented before. Never felt the need to. Definitely feel the need to now.

I was stunned and emotional when I read what happened to you. And then I was afraid. Afraid of what would have happened if you hadn't stumbled down those steps to get help. That would have been a news story I did not want to read.

I've been reading your blog for a long time. It's something I look forward to and I'm oh-so happy that I can continue to do so. Whatever demon stepped up and told you it was okay to go down that rabbit hole, it's a liar. Do not listen.

Allow yourself to wake up every day knowing that it may be tough but it's worth it. Pretty soon it's not so tough and you see the joy that was just waiting there for you.

Everyone has time for your shit. We're happy to listen. Just keep talking.

Tari C

❤️

Mick

You are loved. I've been reading since Noah was a baby (with, apparently, makes me practically a newcomer around these parts) and, of all the blogs I've started and stored reading, yours is the single, solitary one I still check twice a day (yes! Because what if Amy posts something AFTER I check in the morning!). I love your stories. I love your realism. I love your kids. I love you, insofar as one Internet stranger can love another. And I guess it's pretty obvious that everyone else feels the same way.

Andrea

Such love to you. Read you for years and years and years - thank you for your words, and hugs to you and yours.

Lori

Wait, after all you've been through, you made a PHONE CALL? High five, fist bump, mad props. That shit is not easy.

Carol

Amy,
I have been reading your blog also since I suspect you just about started it. Through your pregnancies and the death of your father. I'm not sure why I got hooked on it, but I did big time. I've never missed a post. We have nothing in common. I'm a 72-year-old retired woman with a grown son and a husband. But somehow I felt I connected with you. Your humor has always added a little special spark to my day. I've always loved how you speak/write so openly about your life.

I was so happy to see another post today, because frankly the one yesterday broke my heart. I even went in to tell my husband what had happened to you, as if you were a friend of mine and he listened to your story. I've been thinking about you all morning. I don't think you can even imagine the numbers of people you have influenced/affected.

Amy, please keep on choosing life and doing all you can to get well (as hard as it may be.) Your family (those beautiful boys) and your friends would be devastated without you. And so would all your readers.
((hugs))

Tiffany

You are so loved. You are a part of the fabric of so many lives. And we are so glad that you’ve figured out how to STAY. I’m coming up on the ten year anniversary of my attempt and I know the courage it takes to stay. To be authentic. To be brave. To be happy. The faceless internet is here. Much love.

Wendy

As someone who works in the mental health field, and who worked on a psych unit for a brief period, I'm looking forward to reading about your experience... I'm also somewhat local (northern VA), but I'm guessing you were at Shephard Pratt? In any case, I believe that inpatient psych units are in a crisis period, and I'm very anxious to get a patient's experience - especially a patient who I trust will be raw, honest and real. The more light that can be cast upon mental health, the better. It is SO HARD to find competent, compassionate, caring people to enter this field - and budget cuts all around are making inpatient units more acute and dangerous than every before; and staffing them with qualified staff is next to impossible. Add in managed care making it next to impossible to get authorizations to treat people beyond the "i want to kill myself period..." The mental health (and substance use) continuum of care is in a crisis; it is a subject that I can get very, VERY passionate about.

Rachel

I found you through that Mom’s Daily Dose thing ages ago and immediately loved your writing and voice, both of which have gotten even better as the years have gone by. I always look forward to reading you and feel I know your entire family personally. You matter, you are amazing, and I am so unbelievably glad you asked for help. Thank you for being you.

Connie Bowers

You are amazing and so strong. Your shit is IMPORTANT. Not just for us in the ether reading your words, but everyone you interact with. it seems wrong to thank you for your struggles (or at least sharing them) but I'm doing it anyway, because i GET IT. It is hard to believe our day to day struggles are a big deal when someone out there has it worse. But someone else having it worse doesn't negate or minimize your struggle. Our brains lie to us, our bodies betray us, it doesn't matter if we are in war torn areas or middle america suburbs. it is still hard.
I'm so glad you are still here. I'm so glad you are getting help. You are so important in this world.

Misha

Well, Cait's comment made me cry... she said it beautifully. I had a doctor say to me a few months ago: "What you need to do is ask you self: what do you need, sweetheart? and just like we do for our kids and our loved ones, you need to gently give that to yourself. Snacks, a warm nap, a bottle of water... it's all valid." I'm hoping you can ask yourself: what do you need, sweetheart? And look at all these people here to listen in with care and love and admiration. xoxo

Jess

Yay! Thank you for still being here. Stay with us. We love reading you and we are all better with you here in this world. So much love to you and your family!

Julia

Prayers, comfort, hugs, and strength....sending it all to you with warm thoughts <3

Janet Newhall

One precious moment at a time! I hope you're writing like your normal, awesome, hilarious self because it feels right, and not because you think you have to, because you most definitely don't. Keep repeating to yourself, I deserve love, I am capable of love, the world is better with me in it. Much love and good vibrations :) xoxoxoxoxoxox

Patty

You are so dear and you matter. Thank you for sharing with those of us who think we know you through this blog.

Brooks

Sometimes processing news takes a bit of time and the search for words, the right words, takes even longer. So many more have said it some much more eloquently, but for all that you have shared in the blobs, for all that you have given without asking anything in return, for all that you are, thanks for being you and thanks for being here to slog through it all with the rest of us.

Brandi

Hi Amy - I cried as I thought about you last night. Before you start thinking I'm some amazingly kind and empathetic person, I was really just crying for myself. I was a regular reader in the beginning, pre-kids and really appreciated hearing the voice of someone like me, young and living in the DC area and coping with work stress and adulting and mental health issues. I still check in every couple of months or so to catch up and see how big the boys have gotten.

I've done the hospital mental ward thing twice. My experiences were really terrible and sadly, did nothing for me. BUT I worked it out eventually through trial and error and having been having some good years lately. I think that you scared me so much because I felt like it could have been me...and it makes you realize -- although everyone with mental illness knows this feeling deeply -- you're never totally out of the woods, and you always need to pay attention. But you've got a crazy good support system, I mean, look at all these comments! You are not alone and I'll be following your journey as you move forward. Much love!

Leah

Amy, I have read your blog forever - so glad you keep blogging when so many have stopped. I have never commented but please know I value your words, your humor, your point of view. You have made me laugh thousands of times. If that isn't worth something, I don't know what it. You have a gift. Thank you for continuing to share it with us. I am so happy you found help and are now inspiring others to do the same. I am so glad you are safe.

megan

Thank you for being so brave and so strong, and most importantly, still HERE. Unbeknownst to you, we've been internet buddies since before Noah :) Sending you all the love and good juju and other uplifting shit...*hugs*

Julie in TX

I didn't get a chance to comment yesterday, but I want to echo the outpouring. You are loved and needed. We are elated you are still here.

Kate

Adding my voice to the chorus. Another member of the a team here (anxiety team, we are so making t-shirts). I'm so glad you got help, I'm so glad it wasn't too late. I've lost a few friends to suicide in the last few years and it's so incredibly heartbreaking and sad. They were so unwell and couldn't get the help they needed. I'm grateful for my own sake that you were not among their number. My own sake because I love reading what you write, I love seeing all the ups and downs of family life. Much love from this Aussie in Sweden.

Dawn

Re: Keeping it together to take the kids to school.

Saw a great post this morning about how it doesn't matter what you grab onto when you're floating in the ocean. The idea is to choke up the damn water and breathe.

https://medium.com/s/story/when-they-leave-8eb15cc2ee1f

Also, happy you're here to tell us about it.

Amy

I don't want to add to the overwhelming crush of us ol' internets commenters, but I do want to take a moment to thank you. I've been reading your stuff and laughing aloud at work for years, even before I had a child of my own. I took your advice on babies (all of it, from what to pack at the hospital to what type of diaper cream to use) and your solutions are always the ones I try first. Last week, when I checked your website every. single. day. - I wondered where you were. I know you always joke that no one really cares when you don't update, but that's just not true. When I read your update, I was shocked. I couldn't imagine a world without you in it. I'm so glad you made it down to Jason. I'm so glad that you're still here. For your family. And, selfishly, for us. Keep punching those dark thoughts in the throat - you don't need them keeping you down.

Meg

Great job!!!! I too am so glad you got help. I have really counted on you in my dark times of motherhood and self doubt and questioning. Your voice always sounds so much like the one in my head (heeeeeyyy...).
You are loved the world over by people you've never met. That would be true with our without this blog, but please know that while my heart sunk when I read your last post, it soars reading this. You've got this. You're doing the thing.

Bonnie

Amy, I found your blog via your pregnancy calendar 7 (how is my baby almost 7?!) years ago. Your blog and Advice Smackdown have gotten me through two successful, albeit miserable, pregnancies, one devastating miscarriage, postpartum depression, general anxiety, and the ongoing saga of my daughter's sensory and behavioral issues, IEP, and eventual diagnosis. I've commented maybe ... once? Many days last week I wondered why you hadn't posted a new entry yet, thinking maybe school was out and you were all vacationing already. I'm sorry the reality was much worse. I'm grateful you're still here.

Thank you for sharing so much of your life with us. I hope you continue to do so for many years to come.

Kristin

Been reading your blog for so long that I feel as if I almost lost a friend. You mean so much to so many people. Your health and happiness is important, not just to your family but to the world. Don't ever doubt that.

Sue W.

When those voices in your head get too loud, PLEASE pull up these last 2 blob posts and read them. I think all of these voices will drown out the ones in your head.
One step at a time. One day at a time.
Beau is the handsomest big-eared neatly trimmed pupper ever!

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