While Jason is away on business, I have been on full-time PROTECT THE GARDEN squirrel trap duty.
(Unripened heirlooms still on the vine. Pretty sure he counted them before leaving for the airport. Maybe sang to them a little bit.)
And I do mean full time. I'm not sure what's going on, because we caught like, two squirrels total last year, and maybe about two this year. And then THIS BLOODY WEEK we've trapped a minimum of two squirrels a day, EVERY DAY.
(I mean, I've. I've trapped them. Apparently I am just better at it and missed my life's calling.)
My kids are running feral and pretty much the only time we leave the house is when we catch a squirrel and need to drive it over the river, through the woods, and across as many big-ass highways as possible in order to guarantee that it won't return.
I mean, go ahead and try, you little ratty-fluff-tail garbage animal, but good luck with that.
So I don't know. Population boom coupled with an overall IQ drop? Because these things will not stop getting their asses stuck in our trap. We smear peanut butter on the underside of the spring mechanism (where they can't actually get to it) so it's not even like they're getting one last great meal out of it. I swear one of them sat on the fence and watched one squirrel flail around from inside the trap, then came back a couple hours later all, "heeeyyyyyyy what's it's therrrrreeee" and SNAP.
Maybe they've heard about our luxury relocation service and are just straight-up taking advantage of us.
"Go in there, eat some peanut butter, deal with some small humans trying to treat you like a Disney cartoon, and then ahhhhh, an air-conditioned car ride straight to a nature preserve. Where the acorns flow like wine!"
Perhaps what I've been interpreting as panic is more like GIDDY UP LET'S GO VROOOOOM.
Probably not. They have all been pretty damn pissed off.
Behold, squirrels, all the fucks I give.
(Oh god don't let Jason see the green heirloom that one of the kids knocked off accidentally; I don't want to have to relocate them to a nature preserve, at least not for more than an afternoon or so.)