Hi! Hi hi hi. How are you? I am fine. Everything is fine. Very very busy with non-blog work and then we had to travel to New York for a family wedding on Saturday and oh, absolutely, the whole thing started out as a planned day trip and ended up being a complete and utter clusterfuck as per my usual travel exploits, and while I suppose it would make for a classic Idiots Doing Idiot things story, the real reason things unraveled on us as badly as they did obviously kills the potential/appropriateness of humor. Long story short: Getting out of Manhattan and onto the very last NJ Transit train of the night was no easy feat on Saturday, and involved several unnecessary and/or aborted Uber rides, a lost credit card, a frantic sprint on and off the subway and a lot of REALLY oblivious, slow-moving Mets fans. None of... Read more →


I ate shellfish for the first time when I was 19. It took about three times before the Allergy Lightbulb went on over my head. I'd get a smattering of hives, a loopy/lightheaded feeling, and then finally, after a fateful all-you-can-eat shrimp bingefest at the beach, I got violently ill and threw up. Okay, I get it. I bought some Benadryl and immediately felt better after chugging it right in front of the cashier. No big deal, I didn't even like shrimp that much; I just ordered the all-you-can-eat because it was a really good deal. (Which I didn't even get to really capitalize on, as my reaction set in while I was still on my first serving.) Since I'd only ever tried shrimp, I never thought of it as a proper "shellfish allergy," though, and years later went on to try all the other delicious options out there without... Read more →


OKAY YOU TWO. LISTEN THE FUCK UP. For second and hopefully final time, LEGOS ARE NOT KITTY LITTER. THIS IS NOT A LITTER BOX. (It's also not full of Baby 0-6 month sized clothing, which you shouldn't pee on either because NOT A LITTER BOX.) We have two actual litter boxes, which both see fairly frequent and successful use, given how often I'm cleaning them out, and yet here we are. The boys started complaining that one of the Lego bins "smelled bad" and sure enough, someone (or sometwo) had peed in it. Now, usually this would be the sum of the story, and where the post would end, but because my life is EXTRA GLAM these days, it does not. Because midway through my disinfecting process, I noticed the water level started dropping. Because... Which meant... I'm starting to suspect that I am not good at doing things. (For... Read more →


It's 11:32 a.m. on Friday night now, and I just woke up 15 minutes ago. And it was glorious. And it's been that way all week, I have to admit. We dropped the boys off at their grandparents last weekend, spent one night in Philly (and still managed to squeeze in three different cheesesteak outings), and have spent the rest of the week here at home, sans kids. The first morning I woke up super early to phantom kid voices and that sense of OH SHIT WE'RE PROBABLY RUNNING LATE FOR SOMETHING. We stayed up super late for no other reason than we COULD, heading out to restaurants and bars and clubs just because LOOK AT US, WE'RE NOT PAYING FOR A BABYSITTER. And then we started sleeping in later and later until here we are today, bordering on full-time nocturnal. In the hours in between, we painted Noah's bedroom... Read more →


Yet Another Important Update On The Ongoing Cat/Box Situation: Somebody peed in the box. So now nobody gets to play in the box anymore, this is why you can have nice box things, you are gross guys, etc. Of course, the matter of WHO peed in the box is a mystery for the ages. So many bladders, so much nonsense. Speaking of mysteries (and nonsense), can someone tell me WTF this is? This is in our upstairs hall linen closet. It is some sort of pushable red button up near the top shelf. It has mystified us all ever since we moved in, although we have (SO FAR) all managed to resist the urge to PUSH THE RED BUTTON, OH GO ON PUSH IT, JUST SEEEEEEE, WHAT'S THE WORST THAT COULD HAPPENNNNNN? We didn't notice it during the inspection or anything and mostly forget that it's there but then I... Read more →


I had a weird dream last night -- not VERY weird, as my weirdest weird-ass dreams go, but still -- where I looked out my front door to discover that one of our garage doors was sitting at the far end of the driveway, banged up to hell. I ran outside and a crowd of neighbors had already gathered, explaining that this sort of thing "happens all the time," thanks to a crazy woman in the neighborhood who likes to pull into empty, open garage door bays in hopes of sneaking into houses and wandering around.* Sometimes, they said, she'll close the garage behind her to hide her car, then back out in a panic before you catch her, destroying the door in the process. "You should keep your garage doors closed," they said. "So I should call the police," I said. "Nah," they said. "It happens all the time.... Read more →


By Friday night, things felt distinctly more "back to normal" around here, that is to say, a complete and utter disaster of my own making. Ike had been invited to a birthday party at a friend's house, and while the invitation clearly said "pool party," I was weirdly plagued with doubt as to what that actually meant, as I have not attended a pool party since probably junior high. Like, is it a real pool? Or something more like we would do, which would fill up a kiddie pool and set up an off-brand Slip n' Slide in the backyard? Am I supposed to wear a bathing suit, or just Ike? But all I own are bikinis? Is that inappropriate? WHAT'S THE ETIQUETTE HERE I'VE COMPLETELY FORGOTTEN HOW TO SUBURB. I also realized that since moving, no one has come across any of our pool or beach-related gear, including floaties... Read more →


ANSWER: Just one, but it'll cost ya a Lego table. Oh the brickmanity! Amazingly enough, I had absolutely nothing to do with this. Jason decided to install one of those fancy app-controlled, color-changing light bulb systems and thoroughly misjudged the strength of the crappy MDF and cardboard table while swapping out bulbs in the ceiling. The crash was tremendous. (He's fine. So are the light bulbs.) Note, however, that all the Lego plates survived intact, furthering my belief that even after a global fiery apocalypse, there will still be Legos to step on. Also, as my children work to salvage and remove as many plates as possible, this is officially the most attention this table has gotten since I made them the damn thing. And so we say goodbye to the last remaining vestige of the Isle of Sodor. I shall of course be replacing it with something from IKEA,... Read more →


Jason spent almost the entire weekend at work, supporting a round-the-clock launch of multiple Very Important Website-y Things or Something Or Other, I Dunno. Like, they booked him a hotel downtown and everything, although they probably shouldn't have bothered, as I got a text message announcing his arrival (and intention to grab a couple hours of sleep before heading back to the office) at 5:35 a.m. on Sunday morning. Thus the boys and I were left to our own devices, and given some Recent Events and Experiences, I mostly opted to not venture outside, or attempt doing anything at all, besides a shit-ton of laundry and Netflix. (And a water balloon/water pistol fight. WHICH I WON.) Specifically, Orange is the New Black, which I KNOW came out like, five million Internet weeks ago but I was trying to patiently wait until Jason's job allowed him to join me on a... Read more →


I got pulled over on Friday morning. I haven't been pulled over in a damn decade at this point -- no tickets, no warnings -- and I was completely caught off-guard by the sight of flashing lights in my rearview mirror. Whaaaaat. I hadn't been speeding, I'd used my turn signal for a lane change, didn't run a red light, so I was pretty baffled as I pulled over and watched the cop car come to a stop behind me. Maybe a brake light was out? Eh? Whatever it was, it was most likely something in the realm of "slight pain in the ass" as opposed to BITCH U GOIN TO JAIL NOW. And while my brain remained mostly calm and logical, the rest of my neurological system decided to freak the absolute fuck out. My Essential Tremor turned up to 11, and I began involuntarily shaking like a leaf... Read more →