On Valentine's Day proper, I took some cold medicine, a nice long nap, and declared myself miraculously healed...just in time for us to stick with our original grand romantic plan of seeing a drag show with a big group of friends. (Today, to all those friends, I am so, so sorry if I touched you or breathed on you. I tried not to, for the most part. But turns out I vastly overestimated my recovery and have been paying for that night ever since, because this cold is horrrrrrible and my entire body hurts from all the coughing and sneezing. Noah is better but now Ezra is home sick, Ike is sniffling, and Jason is away in California until tomorrow but also complaining about a cough.) (Sorry to California, too, then.) But anyway, back when I momentarily thought the worst was behind me, we saw some drag queens. The show was called "Love Can Be a Drag," do you get it do you get it I got it okay good. Jason took over a dozen pictures of me and I hated every single one and couldn't understand why I looked so pale and puffy and haggard in them, which should... Read more →


Happy Valentine's Day! It's going GREAT. Noah came down with a pretty bad cold on Sunday, I got it yesterday. Last night was Jason's customary home-cooked, multiple-course Valentine's-dinner-that's-not-on-Valentine's-day-SO-THERE-OR-SOMETHING extravaganza. I coughed and sniffled my way through it, then gave us both a miserable nights' sleep (cough cough hack wheeze cold hot cold hot couch) and an equally hellacious morning because neither of us could bear to face the day on like 40 minutes of sleep. (On the other hand, there were homemade pork belly buns. Jason went to Momofuku without me recently and took a pretty impressive stab at recreating them for me, AS HE SHOULD. Then there was creme brulee, my favorite dessert in the world, which I did not photograph because I was too busy eating it. There are two more in the fridge which will make a nice balanced lunch and afternoon snack.) I'm doing some work and drinking some tea laced with Zicam and then joining poor Noah in a much-needed nap. He's feeling better than yesterday but still not super great, and I realized he's missing his very last elementary school Valentine's Day party ever. And I was so prepared!! At least I flaked on... Read more →


Wellllllll, look who got her shit together this year. Just look at this shit, and how together it all is. I completely forgot about the boys' school Valentine's Day parties last year (and every other year, to be honest), which resulted in 2) a mad last-minute rush to a ransacked Target and the purchase of the world's most objectively ugly/lame Valentines, 2) an $800 car repair and 3) three kids up way past their bedtimes filling them out while I stressed out over spelling errors because we literally did not have an extra card to spare and ugggghhhhh they were super-glossy cards that you couldn't use a pencil on whyyyyyyyyyyy....I vowed to be more on top of things this year. I added these three Valentines sets to my Amazon cart on February 15th, 2016 and clicked "Save For Later." Then I created a reminder in Google Calendar for January 31st, 2017 that said MOVE VALENTINES TO CART AND BUY NOW WITH ONE-CLICK HURRY DO IT DON'T BE DUMB. (Please note that my day-to-day life and organization levels still operate at the normal level of "complete and utter clusterfuck.") But hey. Valentines are done. With a whole day to spare! I... Read more →


CREEPER CAT, PART ONE It's okay, Cat. Just over here eating dinner. Can you stop staring at the back of my head like that, Cat? D'awwwwwww nevermind I like your toes Cat. CREEPER CAT, PART TWO It's okay, Cat. Just in here taking a bath. Okay that's definitely enough please go away Cat. UNIMPRESSED CAT, PART FOUR MILLION AND THREE It must be exhausting to be so loved, ugh. SHOULD I BE CONCERNED ABOUT MY CHILDREN'S ONGOING VERBAL ABUSE OF ALEXA, PART WHO KNOWS CLIMATE CHANGE IS REAL AND HERE TO KILL US ALL, PART HELPLESS SOBBING Us on Tuesday night: "This is so romantic and I love it out here this is the best purchase ever and we should totally come out here every night from now on blah blah blah" vs. Us on Thursday night: "OH MY GOD IT'S COLD WHY AM I SO COLD OH GOD WE TURNED THE HEAT OFF AND KICKED OFF ALL THE BLANKETS AND NOW IT IS 5 A.M. AND I AM A HUDDLED SHIVERING BALL OF FREEZING NO DON'T PUT YOUR FEET ON ME DON'T PUT YOUR FEET ON ME GO TURN ON THE HEAT AND PUT ON SOME SOCKS AND OH... Read more →


I recently realized that the Alexa app on my phone logs each and every command/question/request the boys make of Ezra's beloved Amazon Tap. I scrolled through about a month's worth and it was...illuminating. And so today I present a long, winding look at exactly how the young minds of today are interacting with and pushing the limits of Voice Service Technology. alexa play the angry birds soundtrack When's my birthday? When is my birthday? When is October the fifteenth? How much longer until Christmas? alexa play the angry birds soundtrack Say it What time will be after four oh five? What time will be after four oh six? How do you make the color purple? How to you make the color orange? What happens if you combine the color red with yellow? What do the colors red and yellow make? Come on alexa play the angry birds soundtrack What how do you make the color white? What what? What is a cowboy? What is a cowgirl? What is a cowgirl? I said cowgirl not cowboy How long of a fall would it be if he fell down from a cliff? What do you hear? Can you drink anything? What happens... Read more →


It's Friday! Therefore, time for what doesn't happen quite enough to constitute a "tradition" but happens just enough to maybe be a "thing," here are some photos I took this week that didn't quite find their way into their own post. Did you know they made a Broadway musical about the Titantic? Like a TAKES ITSELF SUPER SERIOUSLY LES MIZ-STYLE OPERATIC SPECTACLE MULTIPLE TONY AWARD WINNING musical? That opened the same year as Titanic: The Movie came out has absolutely nothing to do with Titanic: The Movie? Much like David S. Pumpkins, it's its ownnnn thang. I somehow had no idea, and probably would have accused you of lying presenting alternative facts, but now I can confirm it does exist, as I have seen Titanic: The Musical with my own eyes. (Not on Broadway, obviously. But in Northern Virginia, OBVIOUSLY.) (I do not think I was supposed to take this picture. Do not tell anyone, especially the Internet.) My review: The staging was impressively 100% amazing, especially since the original Broadway production was NOT designed for this small, theater-in-the-round 360° setup. The cast was uniformly excellent, as was the orchestra, which somehow managed to cram onto a tiny gangplank near... Read more →


Hi! Hi hi hi. I am writing this, live and in-person from New York City, but on my phone because I cannot get the hotel's WiFi to work. So I shall be brief because this feels like I'm typing a really really long text message and the only times I write really really long text messages is because I'm either super mad at someone ("here is everything I would say to you on the phone but won't because I don't call people on the phone!! thus I shall attempt to resolve our conflict in the least productive way!!")...or if I've been ignoring their text message for a long time and have to explain my bullshit reasons for doing that. So since I'm not mad at anyone, let me state that my bullshit reasons for ignoring my blog are 1) yesterday was my birthday, 2) Jason surprised me with a little just-us getaway to NYC, and 3) I'm 39 now, Jesus. I feel like that will be an excuse for a lot of things, going forward. The weather here has been gorgeous so we've mostly just done a lot of aimless walking, shopping and drifting from wine bar to wine bar.... Read more →


Ha ha, look at me. I'm funny. WHAT THE WHAT THE FRESHEST OF HELLS NO NOT AGAIN JASON PLZ I AM BEGGING YOU OMG WHAT Touché, you ridiculous bastard. (FML! Hope everybody enjoys their holidays this weekend! I am frantically emailing teachers [so many teachers, holy shit] last-minute gift cards while pretending that was my plan all along and not because I forgot and then I have to go buy food for Christmas dinner and take Beau to the groomers and the kids to see Rogue One [MOST IMPORTANT] and yes, replace a tire on the minivan because there's a slow leak and I am a grown-up who is in charge of my car, my destiny and also my motherfucking foyer.) Read more →


So this arrived a couple days ago. An early (and gigantic!) Christmas present from Jason's parents. It is a ladder. A proper, tall-enough ladder that will allow us to 1) paint some of the stupid-high walls and ceilings, 2) dust the ceiling fan blades, and 3) decorate the top of our Christmas trees without the use of a rake and Swiffer Duster extend-o handle thing. (That does not extend enough to dust the ceiling fan blades, ironically enough.) It is so fancy it comes with a whole DVD on how to use it. This is officially the most grown-up gift we have ever received. Or maybe the most obvious of hints to get our shit together. (Nahhhhhhhh.) But seriously, painting! Can possibly realistically happen! Goodbye beige and various beige-y shades of brown! Say hello to...oh God, hopefully not something that looks like a different color at first but then mostly comes out beige once it's on the whole wall. I should probably get the ladder out of the box and out of the foyer first, although y'all know our incredible track record on that sort of thing. And with that, #LADDERWATCH has officially commenced! Peace and blessings to your family... Read more →


My phone, as I more or less suspect, was completely FUBAR'd. The motherboard was damaged along with the screen, so...I got a new phone. And that's...kind of all I've got. I spent a tortuous amount of time yesterday trying to come up with something else to write about, as there's not really much of a plotline to buying a new phone. I had to go to two Verizon stores? Because the first one was fresh out of iPhones? Which I only learned about after waiting (and waaaaaaaiting) for the one lone salesperson to finish up with a couple who thought, hey, while we're here, let's ask this guy every tech support question we can think of, even ones that aren't even phone related, and also get his opinion on whether our online banking could ever get hacked by the Russians. PLOT TWIST: There was another, bigger Verizon store one shopping center over that still had plenty of iPhones. Suburbia! CONCLUSION: I got my phone from there and spent all weekend trying to remember all my various app logins. Then we watched Westworld while eating Velveeta chili dip and chicken wings. Oh and on Saturday there was an inexplicable amount of... Read more →