I had a weird dream last night -- not VERY weird, as my weirdest weird-ass dreams go, but still -- where I looked out my front door to discover that one of our garage doors was sitting at the far end of the driveway, banged up to hell. I ran outside and a crowd of neighbors had already gathered, explaining that this sort of thing "happens all the time," thanks to a crazy woman in the neighborhood who likes to pull into empty, open garage door bays in hopes of sneaking into houses and wandering around.* Sometimes, they said, she'll close the garage behind her to hide her car, then back out in a panic before you catch her, destroying the door in the process. "You should keep your garage doors closed," they said. "So I should call the police," I said. "Nah," they said. "It happens all the time. What's the point?" Then I noticed a crew was already working on repairs -- an oddly oversized crew I had not called or hired, veering things into Money Pit-fueled anxiety dream territory -- but who assured me I didn't need a rate quote or anything because they "had the best... Read more →


By Friday night, things felt distinctly more "back to normal" around here, that is to say, a complete and utter disaster of my own making. Ike had been invited to a birthday party at a friend's house, and while the invitation clearly said "pool party," I was weirdly plagued with doubt as to what that actually meant, as I have not attended a pool party since probably junior high. Like, is it a real pool? Or something more like we would do, which would fill up a kiddie pool and set up an off-brand Slip n' Slide in the backyard? Am I supposed to wear a bathing suit, or just Ike? But all I own are bikinis? Is that inappropriate? WHAT'S THE ETIQUETTE HERE I'VE COMPLETELY FORGOTTEN HOW TO SUBURB. I also realized that since moving, no one has come across any of our pool or beach-related gear, including floaties or backpacks or goggles or pool noodles or any of the 20 million sand toys we own. I made another last-ditch effort to find it all in the storage area before giving up and thus showing up to the pool party (YES IT WAS A REAL POOL WHO HONESTLY THINKS... Read more →


ANSWER: Just one, but it'll cost ya a Lego table. Oh the brickmanity! Amazingly enough, I had absolutely nothing to do with this. Jason decided to install one of those fancy app-controlled, color-changing light bulb systems and thoroughly misjudged the strength of the crappy MDF and cardboard table while swapping out bulbs in the ceiling. The crash was tremendous. (He's fine. So are the light bulbs.) Note, however, that all the Lego plates survived intact, furthering my belief that even after a global fiery apocalypse, there will still be Legos to step on. Also, as my children work to salvage and remove as many plates as possible, this is officially the most attention this table has gotten since I made them the damn thing. And so we say goodbye to the last remaining vestige of the Isle of Sodor. I shall of course be replacing it with something from IKEA, because life is a flat circle and also Jason spent all our money on designer light bulbs. Read more →


Jason spent almost the entire weekend at work, supporting a round-the-clock launch of multiple Very Important Website-y Things or Something Or Other, I Dunno. Like, they booked him a hotel downtown and everything, although they probably shouldn't have bothered, as I got a text message announcing his arrival (and intention to grab a couple hours of sleep before heading back to the office) at 5:35 a.m. on Sunday morning. Thus the boys and I were left to our own devices, and given some Recent Events and Experiences, I mostly opted to not venture outside, or attempt doing anything at all, besides a shit-ton of laundry and Netflix. (And a water balloon/water pistol fight. WHICH I WON.) Specifically, Orange is the New Black, which I KNOW came out like, five million Internet weeks ago but I was trying to patiently wait until Jason's job allowed him to join me on a binge-watch session. Unfortunately for poor J, I reached the end of my patience rope this weekend and texted him the following warning shot: And even more unfortunately for J (and several other people who are all probably very sorry they ever gave me their phone numbers), I'd ALSO hit some... Read more →


I got pulled over on Friday morning. I haven't been pulled over in a damn decade at this point -- no tickets, no warnings -- and I was completely caught off-guard by the sight of flashing lights in my rearview mirror. Whaaaaat. I hadn't been speeding, I'd used my turn signal for a lane change, didn't run a red light, so I was pretty baffled as I pulled over and watched the cop car come to a stop behind me. Maybe a brake light was out? Eh? Whatever it was, it was most likely something in the realm of "slight pain in the ass" as opposed to BITCH U GOIN TO JAIL NOW. And while my brain remained mostly calm and logical, the rest of my neurological system decided to freak the absolute fuck out. My Essential Tremor turned up to 11, and I began involuntarily shaking like a leaf from head to toe. By the time the officer approached the window I could barely get my license out of my wallet or roll down the window. My head was bobbing, my legs were bouncing, I was a damn mess. He looked concerned. The very first question he asked was... Read more →


As a generally optimistic person (or just a naive dumbass), I naturally assumed that there was nowhere to go but up after the Monday morning clusterfuck. And yet I was in no way surprised when Tuesday morning kicked off promptly with Ike projectile vomiting at the breakfast table. I'd just smugly finished packing his bag for the day (INCLUDING HIS LUNCH GO ME) and turned around just to see it happen. An entire cup of milk, all over his nice clean bathing suit and matching(!) swim shirt, his chair, the floor, just everywhere. And so instead of a second day of summer camp -- a precious day, one of only 10 days I'd ponied up for childcare for him all summer -- Ike spent the morning getting a bath and ushered back to bed. Then he voluntarily relocated to the floor outside the bathroom after the next wave hit him 20 minutes later. And that was our morning. By mid-afternoon he'd perked up enough to sip water and watch some Super Why, then had a little dry cereal and another nap. By dinnertime he was running around like a lunatic all I WANT TACOS AND CANDY I'M STARVING. So. He... Read more →


In retrospect, I'm not sure why I thought it would be a good idea to schedule a doctor's appointment on the same morning Ike started summer camp. I mean, I can see it from the perspective of a normal human being, like: 1) Ike's summer camp is basically no different than Ike's preschool, except we walk in a different door to a different classroom. 2) The doctor's office is only five minutes away from Ike's summer camp. THEREFORE AND ERGO, it is perfectly reasonable to assume that I should easily be able to drop Ike off at 9:30 and be on time for a 10:00 appointment, barring some kind of never-ending string of minor timesucking disasters. Riiiiight. Let's review. Minor timesucking disaster #1 occurred when they called to confirm my appointment and cheerfully informed me that, as a new patient, I actually needed to arrive no later than 9:30. In my head I went "hmm" but my mouth agreed that sure, I will be in two places at once, no problem. Disaster #2 occurred when I waited until this morning to look at the list of items Ike needed to bring to camp. I'd remembered to pack his lunch but... Read more →


So on the one hand, it's probably some form of public service to immediately let visitors know that yes, a crazy person lives here. On the other hand, I'm totally HA HA-ing myself, Nelson style right now. What a dork. Look at how it's trying to blend in with the furniture all casual-like. (I am also simultaneously fretting about the corner placement, because I bet they'd rather have it in front a window or sliding door. But then you don't even need to come inside to know that the pets run this bitch.) Beau is both casually ignoring the influx of Cat Stuffs while also eyeing me like he knows something's up. (Their foster mom texted me a whole slew of new pictures, including them in a big ol' cuddle pile with her dog. I'm getting a cuddle pile guyzzz!!!!) Ike and Ezra, however, are OBSESSED with the cat tower and seem particularly entranced by the string of dangling balls. Um. Okay. Guess I've been overthinking Christmas. If the cats like it half as much as my human children do I'll consider it a worthy, yet still utterly ridiculous, purchase. (Monday is Catday! And they have names! Jason and kid-approved... Read more →


This morning Ike insisted on bringing his current-new-favorite-toy-ever in the car on the way to preschool. It's a crappy plastic toy from a Happy Meal (come at me bro) and also kind of creepy: It's the dog from Adventure Time, but his torso has been replaced with a rigid plastic spring. So he...kind of wobbles? You can...sort of stretch him out but not really that much? It's literally hours seconds of fun WTF! Now Ike has never seen Adventure Time. Noah went through a incredibly brief phase where he watched it, and we have at least one t-shirt and pajama set from that period floating around the hand-me-down chain somewhere. But it never really stuck. Probably because I actually found it to be somewhat entertaining, and my children are allergic to any children's television programming that DOESN'T make my eyeballs and eardrums recede into the depths of my skull. Anyway, this toy has been the Best Thing Ever for a good 24 hours now, but on the way to school Ike realized he didn't know the dog's name. So he asked me. "Oh, um, hmm," I replied, drawing a blank. My brain immediately loaded up the show's theme song, which... Read more →


At some point after Ike was born, I took a pretty big step back from the "blogosphere community." It was partly deliberate (newsflash: some people be crazy, or at least crazy exhausting, also I hate Twitter with the fire of All Of The Suns). But mostly I just didn't have the emotional or practical bandwidth for a ton of long-distance virtual friendships or conference hopping, and all the online gossip/cliquish-ness that occasionally plagues both. Too many kids and freelance gigs and loads of laundry to worry about imaginary Internet reputation points any more. So while once upon a time, 99% of my friends were people I'd met via some Internet-related connection, I'd say the opposite is true these days. Most of my friends never heard of my blog until we've gotten to know each other and I have to awkwardly explain what it is that I "do." None of them give a shit about how many Instagram or Twitter followers I have/had, and as a result of this shift I like to think I do a better job of reaching out in person these days (rather than just posting shit on the blog/social media and letting life events dribble out... Read more →