This morning I had my first big kick-off meeting with my newest freelancing gig, which once again highlighted that after a decade of working from home, there is nothing harder in the world than waking up, showering, putting on actual proper clothing, and getting my ass out the door on time anytime before noon. Which, I know is exactly what literal bajillions of people manage to do just fine every morning, and really: Color me genuinely impressed. Like serious props, guys. I don't know how you do it, because I'm terrible at it. The main issue this morning was the completely self-inflicted crisis of not having much in the way of a Professional Wardrobe anymore. I have one nice black suit, a couple okay dresses, a bunch of really, reallllllllly old separates that scream "business casual circa early 2000s" and absolutely zero office-appropriate shoes to pair with any of it. And yet I never, ever remember how limited my options are until I have a meeting to be at in like, an hour. The office I was visiting is business casual so the suit felt like overkill (not to mention my black footwear choices are either sandals/flip flops or stilettos/fuck-me... Read more →


It's Spring Break! And it's shaping up to be a disaster. Well, disaster-ish. That hysterical blind-to-privilege mommyblogger definition of disaster. The children have no camps! No activities! They are all just HERE. In the HOUSE. With ME and EACH OTHER and my DEADLINES. I did this to myself, yes, entirely. My new contract gig still hasn't set a start date so I didn't want to plunder our flexible spending account just yet for childcare expenses. I figured I could get away with reducing my hours across existing clients a bit this week, maybe just work half days if possible. But then this morning the news came in that my background check is done and lo, I am not a criminal unworthy of writing web site copy, and they have like a hundred and four projects they want me to work on immediately once the final rubber-stamp comes down. Okay. This could get interesting, very quickly. I sat down with the kids this morning and went over the day's schedule and some detailed instructions. No screen time or TV until chores are done. You will play outside as much as possible, I mean it, you will not mimic your mother's pale,... Read more →


But Do They Test For Stupid?

We've been home almost as long as we were gone in the first place, and yet the post-travel chaos continues. Only one suitcase is unpacked (and the toiletry bag really only moved from Point A to Point B(athroom), so only partial credit there), I'm still doing laundry and we have yet to restock the fridge or pantry. The kids all came running into our room this morning in a mass panic because there was no cereal. NO CEREAL. What are you even DOING, adults? You have ONE JOB and it is to PROCURE A STAGGERING AMOUNT OF CEREAL FOR OUR FACES. (Nevermind all the waffles, pancakes, oatmeal, fruit and eggs. No cereal = breakfast is a pile of garbage.) But oh! Speaking of jobs. I am (fingers crossed) about to start a big brand-new work project with a big brand-new client. I say fingers crossed because I got my resume in front of them well over six months ago for this project and eventually sort of gave up on it actually happening, but now it is. (No, it's not Amalah/Internet/Jackass/Funtime related, it's part of my secret identity/side hustle as a Capable Adult Human who gets shit done and knows how... Read more →


Hellweek v.23734961230.2

Tuesday night I came down with what I initially thought was a stomach virus, but has since turned out to be a mild case of food poisoning. And while I'm still not back to 100% (can drink water just fine but can't eat anything without disastrous consequences), once I realized it was NOT something that would ping-pong around the entire household, resulting in a week or more of bodily fluid hell, I was downright relieved. So I ate some bad chicken at a restaurant over the weekend! The kids all ordered pancakes off the brunch menu! Jason got a steak salad! It's just me! Everybody else is gonna be fine! THIS IS THE BEST NEWS EVER! Or more accurately, this is the most Mom I've ever Mommed. I am celebrating my own wretched but non-contagious food poisoning. We have hit Peak Mom and surprise! It's DISGUSTING. Tonight we're supposed to get in the car and drive seven hours to Vermont. I should be better by then, right? Or at least super skinny? Shit. This is probably gonna suck. Read more →


Happy Monday! Today I am best visually represented by this photo: Which is to say fat, cozy and in no mood to extricate myself from this couch groove. Mostly because of this, which Jason made on Friday night. (I helped! I made rice and prepped stuff and also kept his drink glass filled.) Homemade saag paneer and rotis. Enough to feed an army, or at least all of us throughout the entire weekend and again for me, for lunch today. (We made the cheese using this super easy DIY kit, the saag is a bit of a mash-up of these two recipes, and this is the bread.) Saturday morning I went to the YMCA to work out, then promptly came home and shoved another bowl of it in my face. Goals! We also took the kids out for some local exploring. Our poor little downtown continues to steadily recover from the flood, and the boys' favorite vintage toy store has finally reopened. (You might remember the owner as the hero dude from this video.) (The sidewalks aren't as pretty as they used to be, but I'll take this over GIANT GAPING DOOM CHASMS.) The kids were SUPER excited to see... Read more →


The rr key on my keyboarrd is sticking. Not every time, so I keep forgetting about it, and then rrealize a second too late that I've just sent an email or article or blog post into the worrld with a bunch of r-rrelated typos. It's great. Rreally grreat. Luckily this dump doesn't really care for stuff like "editorial standards" or "prroofreading" or "grammarr that doesn't fold and collapse in on itself under the weight of the seventh line of a single run-on sentence" or "CAPS LOCK IS LAZY AND SHOUTY," so I should be okay. rr. r. rrrrrrrrrrrr. (STOP IT, ASSHOLE KEY. ARRRRRGH.) Anyway. How's everybody's week? Mine is boring, although I'm trying to pretend it's not March because March is a very bad, not rreally grreat month for me, historically speaking, what with it being long and cold and grey and oh right, the month where everybody and everything I love dies. Not to be dramatic, but well, March can suck it. Rey was making some vomit/heaving noises this morning and I was like, DON'T YOU EVEN START WITH THAT I CANNOT. (It was a hairrball.) Last night we trried to make falafel pita sandwiches and something went very,... Read more →


On Valentine's Day proper, I took some cold medicine, a nice long nap, and declared myself miraculously healed...just in time for us to stick with our original grand romantic plan of seeing a drag show with a big group of friends. (Today, to all those friends, I am so, so sorry if I touched you or breathed on you. I tried not to, for the most part. But turns out I vastly overestimated my recovery and have been paying for that night ever since, because this cold is horrrrrrible and my entire body hurts from all the coughing and sneezing. Noah is better but now Ezra is home sick, Ike is sniffling, and Jason is away in California until tomorrow but also complaining about a cough.) (Sorry to California, too, then.) But anyway, back when I momentarily thought the worst was behind me, we saw some drag queens. The show was called "Love Can Be a Drag," do you get it do you get it I got it okay good. Jason took over a dozen pictures of me and I hated every single one and couldn't understand why I looked so pale and puffy and haggard in them, which should... Read more →


Happy Valentine's Day! It's going GREAT. Noah came down with a pretty bad cold on Sunday, I got it yesterday. Last night was Jason's customary home-cooked, multiple-course Valentine's-dinner-that's-not-on-Valentine's-day-SO-THERE-OR-SOMETHING extravaganza. I coughed and sniffled my way through it, then gave us both a miserable nights' sleep (cough cough hack wheeze cold hot cold hot couch) and an equally hellacious morning because neither of us could bear to face the day on like 40 minutes of sleep. (On the other hand, there were homemade pork belly buns. Jason went to Momofuku without me recently and took a pretty impressive stab at recreating them for me, AS HE SHOULD. Then there was creme brulee, my favorite dessert in the world, which I did not photograph because I was too busy eating it. There are two more in the fridge which will make a nice balanced lunch and afternoon snack.) I'm doing some work and drinking some tea laced with Zicam and then joining poor Noah in a much-needed nap. He's feeling better than yesterday but still not super great, and I realized he's missing his very last elementary school Valentine's Day party ever. And I was so prepared!! At least I flaked on... Read more →


Wellllllll, look who got her shit together this year. Just look at this shit, and how together it all is. I completely forgot about the boys' school Valentine's Day parties last year (and every other year, to be honest), which resulted in 2) a mad last-minute rush to a ransacked Target and the purchase of the world's most objectively ugly/lame Valentines, 2) an $800 car repair and 3) three kids up way past their bedtimes filling them out while I stressed out over spelling errors because we literally did not have an extra card to spare and ugggghhhhh they were super-glossy cards that you couldn't use a pencil on whyyyyyyyyyyy....I vowed to be more on top of things this year. I added these three Valentines sets to my Amazon cart on February 15th, 2016 and clicked "Save For Later." Then I created a reminder in Google Calendar for January 31st, 2017 that said MOVE VALENTINES TO CART AND BUY NOW WITH ONE-CLICK HURRY DO IT DON'T BE DUMB. (Please note that my day-to-day life and organization levels still operate at the normal level of "complete and utter clusterfuck.") But hey. Valentines are done. With a whole day to spare! I... Read more →


CREEPER CAT, PART ONE It's okay, Cat. Just over here eating dinner. Can you stop staring at the back of my head like that, Cat? D'awwwwwww nevermind I like your toes Cat. CREEPER CAT, PART TWO It's okay, Cat. Just in here taking a bath. Okay that's definitely enough please go away Cat. UNIMPRESSED CAT, PART FOUR MILLION AND THREE It must be exhausting to be so loved, ugh. SHOULD I BE CONCERNED ABOUT MY CHILDREN'S ONGOING VERBAL ABUSE OF ALEXA, PART WHO KNOWS CLIMATE CHANGE IS REAL AND HERE TO KILL US ALL, PART HELPLESS SOBBING Us on Tuesday night: "This is so romantic and I love it out here this is the best purchase ever and we should totally come out here every night from now on blah blah blah" vs. Us on Thursday night: "OH MY GOD IT'S COLD WHY AM I SO COLD OH GOD WE TURNED THE HEAT OFF AND KICKED OFF ALL THE BLANKETS AND NOW IT IS 5 A.M. AND I AM A HUDDLED SHIVERING BALL OF FREEZING NO DON'T PUT YOUR FEET ON ME DON'T PUT YOUR FEET ON ME GO TURN ON THE HEAT AND PUT ON SOME SOCKS AND OH... Read more →