The Day of the Beepening

Beep. Beep Beep. Beep. Jason and I were both working from home when the beeping started. It wasn't loud, but it wouldn't stop. Beep. Beep Beep. Beep. Jason didn't hear it at first, but of course after I asked what is SAM HILL is that BEEPING it was all he could hear. Beep. Beep Beep. Beep. It definitely wasn't anything in our house, and after opening the window it got noticeably louder. I went outside, but the beeping took on a weird echo-like effect in our quiet neighborhood and seemed to be coming from everywhere. It wasn't a car alarm, but after spotting a construction crew repairing the sidewalk up the street, I figured it must have something to do with them. Really annoying, but would probably stop soon. Plus, I needed to leave for my piercing appointment, so I didn't have to listen to it anymore ANYWAY. Have fun, Jason! Jason did not have fun. Jason was going BONKERS. The beeping would not stop. There was no escaping it. You couldn't help but fixate on it. You could hear it everywhere in our house. And in between the beeps your brain would stupidly think, "oh, maybe it'll stop this... Read more →


The late-30s life crisis continues. I am officially ridiculous. Sorry, Mom. :( A friend asked for company/moral support during her piercing appointment, and that quickly spiraled into me finally getting the navel piercing I've wanted ever since I was 16. Which was over 20 years ago. Okay, self. Now let's get off the teenage wish fulfillment train before it takes us a NKOTB reunion concert. I should note that this is the EXACT scenario that led to me getting a terribly regrettable tattoo when I was 19 years old. I went with a friend for support and was like, MEEEE TOOOO but I only had $50 and awful ideas so I got JASON tattooed on my back hip. It now looks more like JBLSHN because the work was so shitty and I picked a stupid font to begin with. I want to get some cover-up work done on it but haven't yet because every time I go to a tattoo parlor I'm like YAY STAB ME SOMEWHERE INSTEAD. And then every time I get something pierced I remember HOW MUCH I HATE GETTING THINGS PIERCED. I don't mind the actual procedure (and this one was especially easy because after a... Read more →


It's been one of those days/weeks when personal blogging feels especially self-absorbed. I have news coverage from South Carolina open in all my other browser tabs and then I come HERE and like...what do I even write about? The biggest problem I encountered all week is that we're down to only one working iPhone charger so Jason and I are constantly fighting for custody of it, and I ordered a few more but they haven't arrived yet because the next-day shipping from Amazon Prime is taking soooooo looooonnnnnng yoouuuuuuu guuuuuuuyyyyyysssssss. Yeah. Okay, self. I guess I'll just post some pictures and try to think about things that are not terrible. This week's "Are We Really Moving Or Is Jason Just Pulling An Elaborate Prank On Amy To Get Her To Clean Shit Up" project was organizing the shelves in the basement. This, believe or not, is the "AFTER" and is the result of many hours of sorting and purging and (of course) at least one overly dramatic-looking injury: Note that basement photo does include the shelves in the corners. Those are still a damn mess. But look! There's an EMPTY shelf! There's no shit piled up on the floor except... Read more →


Go Amalah, Go!

THRILLING HAIR UPDATE: I posted this in the comments section of yesterday's post, but as I'm probably the only person who reads them, I'll repeat myself. Thanks to all my fellow oily-scalped laaaaaaadddddies for all the advice and tips. I most definitely own dry shampoo and have been using it for many years. I have tried all the brands and spent ALL THE MONEY. (My favorites are Lush No Drought, although I recommend transferring it to an applicator bottle like this , because the original packaging sucks, and Not Your Mother's Clean Freak or Batiste But dry shampoo just hasn't been cutting it for me for months now -- I use it at night; wake up with an actual oil slick on my head. I wash my hair in the morning; need to apply dry shampoo by late afternoon. That's entirely too much product, not to mention the daily use of my expensive color-safe shampoo, which STILL causes my color to fade since I only use semi-perm. (Hair is way too fine for ammonia-based colors. Breaks right the fuck off. Plus semi-perm adds a little volume at the roots for some reason.) ANYWAY OH MY GOD ISN'T THIS ALL SO... Read more →


Yesterday was Ike's last day of school, so naturally I set new lateness records for the year, both for dropping him off and picking him up. I had one final day that required me to hold our shit together and I couldn't hack it. Shrug. It's noon right now and Ike is happily reading a book out loud to me while I work. We're doing super great! Okay, fine. It's a sticker book. It has no words so I have no idea what he's talking about. He's still in his pajamas, his buttcrack is hanging out because I think he's technically wearing Ezra's pajamas, and he's probably hungry. He asked to go to a restaurant but I can't go anywhere because I am Trying To Break The Greasy/Oily Scalp Production Cycle, which the Internet said requires going three days without washing your hair, followed by baking soda rinse on day four. Today is day four, post-rinse. MY HAIR LOOKS LIKE ASS. THANKS INTERNET. MAYBE I SHOULD HAVE TRIED RINSING IT WITH COKE. So all in all, summer vacation is off to a good start. Especially since I was under the mistaken assumption that the public schools also ended this week,... Read more →


This is our garden. We have sage, a batshit amount of parsley, two pots of chives, and a big mishmosh of rosemary, thyme, dill, and marjoram. Beans, bush tomatoes, and peas. Two sacks of potatoes. Delicious little radishes. Tons of not-quite-ripe strawberries that are straight-up torturing my children. Cherry tomatoes, carrots, beets... ...and a fucking squirrel trap. Squirrels became a big problem for us last year. We were super-ambitious and planted about twice what we have this year. They ate every single tomato. We'd go outside and find our big, gorgeous heirlooms lying in the dirt, half gnawed on. If there weren't any tomatoes, they went after strawberries, squash, melons...whatever else they could wring a little liquid out of on dry, sunny days. It was just two squirrels in particular. One had a bald spot on its butt and one had lost the tip of its tail. We named them Asshole and Stumpy. We'd see them on the fence and send Ceiba out to yap at them, but they'd immediately come back when the coast was clear. We tried everything. Those bobble-headed owl statues, special repellent sprays and predator scents, offering water and food on the OTHER side of our... Read more →


In Which We Learn Our Door Lock Does Not, You Know, LOCK

FADE IN: INT MASTER BEDROOM - NIGHT MOM and DAD are present. (CENSORED CONTENT) The door, previously believed to be securely locked, suddenly opens. CHILD stands in doorway. MOM: OH SHIT DAD: (grabs covers) CHILD: Mom? Why were you making that sound? MOM: What? No. NO. I have no idea what you're talking about. Go to bed. CHILD: No, I heard a sound. A sound like... CHILD does remarkably decent impression of Meg Ryan's famous "I'll Have What She's Having" scene from When Harry Met Sally. DAD: (bursts out laughing) MOM: (buries face in hands) CHILD: Why were you making that sound, Mom? MOM: Honey, I'm fine. We'll talk about it more in the morning. It's a...grown-up thing. CHILD: Ohhhhhh. Growing pains! I get it. MOM: Wha-? Uh. Sure. CHILD: Sorry about your growing pains, Mom. DAD: (is still laughing) MOM: Can you go back to bed, sweetie? CHILD: Okay, good night! MOM & DAD: SHUT THE DOOR PLEASE. FADE OUT Read more →


BETRAYAL BY CHOCOLATE: THE IKE STORCH STORY On Friday night, Jason and I were hanging out on the back deck after dinner. The boys were instructed to get pajamas on before picking out a movie to watch. Noah and Ezra were allowed to make a pit stop at the candy bowl for dessert; Ike had refused to eat any dinner so he was to go directly upstairs. Suddenly, we heard some very, very distressed crying coming from the kitchen. Ike was sitting by the candy bowl and wailing. "What's wrong, what happened?" I asked. "IT'S HOT!" he cried. "What's hot?" "NOTHING!" That was a damn dirty lie and we both knew it. "Did you eat something you weren't supposed to, Ike?" "NO," he sobbed. "YES." Yes, indeed. Out of all the clandestine candy options he could have gone with, he'd chosen very, very poorly: I purchased this chocolate at food & booze festival we attended a couple months ago, and I purchased it because the ghost peppers are like built-in portion control. It is physically impossible for me to shove all this chocolate in my mouth hole and that's a good thing. One or two small bites is about all... Read more →


BECAUSE I'M STILL NOT OVER THIS. Q: So why did you name her "Bluen?" A. Because she wears blue pajamas. (OMG) Q. Why did you add the "N" to her name? A. Because I did not want to name her Blue. (HEADDESK) Q. Is she still "Bluen" when she wears her pink party dress? A. Yes. (IT'S ALL SO CLEAR NOW) Q. How do you spell "Bubby"? A. (HOLY FUCKING SHIT I THINK I'M HAVING A STROKE) Read more →


Oh my God. You guys. You guys. I was looking through Ezra's monthly writing journal and just found this: ... ... Bluen. Not Bloon. Bluen. Blue with an N. Because. Because she's..wearing blue. MY MIND IS BLOWN. OR MAYBE IT'S BLOONED. SORRY TO YELL BUT I'M JUST HAVING A HARD TIME WITH THIS. EVERYTHING I KNOW IS WRONG. I NEED TO LIE DOWN. Read more →