Question: Have you ever gotten to a point where you are so thoroughly stressed out that you wake up every morning covered in a rash? And then you become convinced that the rash is from bedbugs, but bedbugs that exist ONLY on your side of the bed and ONLY bite you, and then you get even more stressed out and stop sleeping because GAAAAHHHH bedbugs and also persistent, recurring anxiety dreams. And then during the day you're basically a sleep-deprived anxiety zombie whose hands shake uncontrollably every time you think about all the things that are making you feel so overwhelmed, to the point that you can barely even type or hold a pen or apply topical ointment to your super-attractive stress rash? Yeah, me neither. (But I can confirm that no, we most definitely do not have bedbugs. So that's a plus.) Anyway. Changes afoot, big decisions to ponder.... Read more →

Fat Hot Ham: Liveblog Edition

A little background on some Inside Amalah Humor from the Olden Days: One time I tried to keep a dream journal/ideas notebook on my nightstand. One morning I woke up with pen ink all over the sheets and FAT HOT HAM scrawled on the paper. True story from the olden, lo-fi days. These days I've taken my inexplicable nonsense all high-tech and digital. Now I keep a running list of possible blog topics on the Notes app on my phone. You know, in case I have a Brilliant Idea that I will otherwise completely forget about 10 minutes later, and certainly won't remember when I'm actually sitting at my computer staring at a blank New Post screen. At that point, I'll only remember that I HAD an idea, some kind of idea, but beyond that, nothing. Something Maybe? Probably? Hmm. Not that the Notes I manage to get down... Read more →

It's Snow Day four million and three. Conditions are deteriorating. *** As is my ability to spell "deteriorating" correctly on the first second third try. *** They have eaten all the waffles and are clamoring for more waffles. HOW CAN YOU EAT SO MANY WAFFLES? No one wants to go outside and play in the snow, because fuck snow. They're all tired of snow, and would rather climb on Mom's head while she types and cause her to reflexively protect her coffee cup every 2.3 seconds because BODIES and LIMBS and FLAILING MUPPET ARMS. *** My attempt at a Pinterest-y project of making ninja masks out of t-shirts managed to amuse them, but I can't stop thinking they look more like ISIS fighters than ninjas. This is...vaguely unnerving. *** Ezra lost another tooth yesterday. I posted an Instagram of him, with a caption reminding myself to not forget about the... Read more →

Second (and last) long-ass business trip on the month is over. Nothing like working a ton of 17-hour days in a row and then coming home all, "OH MY GOD I ACCOMPLISHED NOTHING AND NOW HAVE SO MUCH WORK TO DO." It's good to be home again. And to not have to go ANYWHERE else for a good long time, except maybe to go buy some wine. It's also good to have blog readers who Really Get You. Big thank you to Kristen who MAY or MAY NOT have used her important J-O-B connections to hook me up with a very special room service delivery of ALL OF THE HYATT SOAPS. Seriously. Look at all these fucking soaps. (Not including the three additional non-packaged soaps in active rotation in my soap dish, shower and travel toiletry bag. YASSSSSS.) So I suppose I finally have enough soaps to stop panicking about... Read more →

Would you like to know how to get lipstick off of a cat? Blue Dawn. Blue Dawn is how to get lipstick off of a cat. how to get lipstick off of a cat blue Dawn is how to get lipstick off of a cat fuck yeah keywords blue Dawn gets lipstick off cats get lipstick off of a cat with blue Dawn I'm pretty sure this isn't how SEO works anymore Amy how to get lipstick off of a cat blue Dawn there's no stopping me now because I know how to get lipstick off of a cat you know how BLUE DAWN that's how do I think there's super heavy search engine competition for "how to get lipstick off of a cat" or something (FYI blue Dawn in how you get lipstick off of a cat) no I just want to help anyone else who needs to get... Read more →

(AKA SHIT I FORGOT TO INSTAGRAM) (AKA IT'S ANOTHER SNOWWWWW DAYYYYY) Noah made this in art class. It's a bell. A holiday bell. I mean. What did YOU think it was? Come on now. OBVIOUSLY you grab the pink part and shake it, and then there's a smaller blue ball inside the big blue ball part that kinda...dings or something. You perv, you. *** This was me a couple weeks ago, rocking out with my fanny pack pain pump. I never left the house with it (other than to the doctor's office), and now that might be my single biggest regret of this whole surgery experience. Look at it! It's magnificent. So sassy. Perfect for cell phone, keys, etc. If I still had it I'd wear that shit everywhere. RIP fanny pack pain pump. *** I gave our trusty Ikea high chair away to a friend, and once Ezra noticed... Read more →

Happy New Year From the Village Idiots

We stayed home on New Year's Eve. Grilled up some steaks, made some baller sweet potatoes, sent the kids to bed at the usual hour, settled down on the couch to watch a movie, be exceedingly boring, etc. After blowing through enough wine and cocktails to bring down an elephant on a metal band's tour bus, we decided to switch to bubbly for the big countdown moment. Jason opted to amp the excitement up even further with a champagne-bottle sabering demonstration. It was very important to him that I record this moment. (Language NSFW. We talk like I write! HAPPY 2015 MOTHERFUCKERS!) Read more →

Memories of C-Sections Past

My surgery was originally scheduled for December 9th, a Tuesday. I was to arrive at a nearby surgical center mid-morning, all casual-like, basically the back entrance to where Us Vain Types would typically show up for consultations ("can you make me look like *this*?" while pulling back on skin), to buy super-fancy skin care products, or to get various toxins injected into various body parts. A freestanding medical mullet: Spa party in the front, surgical bloodbath in the back. But then, during my pre-surgery shower (with that horrible drying Hibiclens anti-microbial soap that my skin has STILL not forgiven me for using), I noticed my phone was blowin' all up on the sink counter. Call after call, followed quickly by a voicemail notification. A pipe had burst somewhere in the building overnight, and there was water leaking into a far corner of the OR. Surgery: cancelled. Womp-womp. Since I'm not... Read more →

I have determined — after a thoroughly comprehensive, scientific process —that the World's Best Face Soap is the round KenetMD-branded "Cleansing Bar" you get in Hyatt hotel rooms. I've always had a bit of thing for free hotel toiletries, but my love of this particular soap has officially crossed into deranged. I've been unable to find for sale anywhere, despite much detective work — Hyatt sells their shampoos and lotions but not the soaps, the manufacturer sells the "Massage Bar" but not the "Cleansing Bar" and they are NOT THE SAME THING, BELIEVE ME I KNOW MY HOTEL SOAPS — and maybe even hassling/creeping out a copywriting client in the hospitality procurement industry, like, hey this is weird but do you ever get free soap samples can you get me some soap hey I need some soap c'mon man soap soap soap. NO, AMY. PLEASE STOP TALKING ABOUT SOAP. *picks... Read more →