Storches On Safari

I have written (many, many times) already about my love/hate relationship with the zoo. Here's the Tl;dr summary... THINGS I LOVE ABOUT GOING TO THE ZOO: 1) The idea of going to the zoo. THINGS I HATE ABOUT GOING TO THE ZOO: 2) Everything else. But today I am happy to report that I have done it. I have SOLVED THE ZOO. I solved the zoo by not actually going to the zoo, but instead getting my hair cut (and various patches of body hair forcibly yanked out, because TREAT YO SELF) while my crazy husband took our children to the zoo. All three of them. By himself, alone, with just his two measly arms and two puny eyeballs. Just...cuz. I dunno. He just woke up Saturday morning and decided to take them to the zoo. He took our double stroller, some bug spray, two diapers, half a package of baby wipes, one sippy cup and three baggies of Goldfish. He said he took them because he needed to prove to himself that he COULD take them. (Similar to the time he texted me a picture of Noah, Ezra and six-week-old Baby Ike at a restaurant while I was at... Read more →

The Book of Jackass

For our anniversary, we did our typical thing of better parenting through abandonment (patent pending) and once again left the boys with the grandparents while we got a hotel room in D.C. and did all sorts of scandalous things like SLEEP IN and READ BOOKS and BUY ALLERGY MEDICINE AT CVS. Back when we were first married, we would sometimes talk about how we would celebrate the big milestone-type anniversaries. We were VERY ambitious: I think we decided that at 10 years we'd throw a big party and renew our vows at a vineyard (on top of a mounnntain), and at 15 years we'd go to Italy. Then the actual milestones come up and we're like, what? We barely tolerated our original wedding, why did we think we'd ever feel some buring desire to do that again? And while a trip to Italy still sounds pretty awesome...well, The Book of Mormon was in town this weekend, no airport or passport or the ability to ask for Zyrtec in Italian required. (And thanks to my husband's awesome photo-taking skills, I may or may not have gotten all dressed up...or shown up in my pajamas. THE WORLD WILL NEVER KNOW.) Unlike some... Read more →

AB Chao Design Camp DC: Hoarding, Crying & Other Assorted Awesomeness

So remind me to tell you about the time AB Chao bought me a shot of bourbon and drunk-dialed Heather Armstrong. And then promptly shoved the phone at my drunken ass while I shrieked in panic. I JUST WANTED A PICTURE. YOU CAN'T DISAPPOINT A PICTURE. Later, I burst into drunken tears at the table while explaining to all the other lovely DC Design Camp attendees how AB and I know each other because you guys. You guyyyyyyssss. This. This right here. This lady and you people and the Internet and blogging and the ENTIRE PATH OF MY LIFE, plus also the universe and everything. Yes. I am very fun at parties. Always bring a towel, mostly because I will definitely spill something. (Yesterday it was coffee. I got up mid-session to refill my coffee and unscrewed the lid on an apparently still very full to-go container and coffee just fucking erupted out of the thing, all over me and the floor and like, inside drawers and cabinets and shit. And once again, I stood there doing little else besides PANICKED SHRIEKING because I have no coping skills.) LAY OFF ME I'M TRYING. My point is that I had a... Read more →

What's Black & White & man this sucks

Well, which IS it, Cereal Box? WHICH IS IT? Not all black and white? Or pretty black and white. YOU CAN'T HAVE IT BOTH WAYS. STOP TOYING WITH ME. Especially in light of the National Zoo's devastating loss of the newborn panda cub this weekend. Which: No joke or snark, I am UPSET. I am feeling genuine feelings of feelingsosity and I don't like it. This goes against every word I've ever written about The Fucking Zoo and how it Fucking Sucks because it's Outside and Full Of Nature and Pooping Things and also Uphill In Every Possible Direction. But there it is. I am really terribly sad and bummed about the poor tiny wittle baby panda and the poor sad mama panda and DAMMIT, NATURE. YOU REALLY ARE THE WORST. Also the worst: Me, for deciding to tell Noah about the baby panda yesterday morning, while he pondered the above cereal box and asked questions about pandas and hey! Speaking of pandas! There's a brand-new miracle panda baby at the zoo that we can maybe go see in a couple months! And of course Noah — since he is NOT a bitter jaded Zoo-person like his mother who thinks... Read more →

Rock Out With Your Kraut Out

This post is sponsored by Kraut Rocks I've written about the semi-complicated process of sponsored posts. I love them, I need them, I also kind of fear them because I tend to overthink them. What if the client hates it? What if you guys hate it? Cue the self-doubt-fueled writer's block gaaaaahhhhhhhhh. But then sometimes a sponsored post comes along that involves hanging out with an old friend, gossiping, drinking beer and cooking mussels and hot dogs and sauerkraut over an open flame on a bar counter wait WHAT. There's a month-long sauerkrautaganza going on in D.C. right now called Kraut Rocks. Top Chef's Spike Mendolsohn is the host and several other local chefs are featuring their take on sauerkraut on their menus. I was asked to write a post about it. Amy's Mouth: Sure! Why not? Amy's Brain: Why not? You mean other than the little fact that you don't particularly like sauerkraut? Amy's Wallet: QUIET, YOU FOOL. At first I thought maybe I would do a cooking demonstration of my own, or we could visit one of the participating restaurants and photograph me attempting to gain a new appreciation of sauerkraut the superfood, but then when I saw... Read more →

Let's Go To The Zoo, Part Four

I believe I have made my feelings about the zoo known already. Several times, in fact. Wait, here's one more. So going to the zoo yesterday was the very definition of insanity, or completely understandable because my in-laws were visiting and getting out of the house is unbelievably critical because otherwise we all sit around while my mother-in-law helpfully folds my underwear in the living room and my father-in-law watches his laptop defrag for a couple hours. Not this time, I decided. So help me God, we will go to the fucking zoo and like it. CAN YOU NOT SENSE OUR COLLECTIVE JOY? WAKE ME UP WHEN AMERICA REALIZES THAT PANDAS ARE THE MOST BORING ANIMALS EVER. Noah and Ezra, to their credit, had less than zero interest in those dumb overrated pandas anyway. They wanted snakes. Lots of snakes. Are we at the snakes yet? Yeah, elephants, okay, whatever, OH DEAR GOD PLEASE TAKE US TO THE SNAKES. Amy: If I'd known they were that into snakes we coulda just stayed home and sent 'em into the basement with a shovel and some flashlights. Jason: A...shovel? Amy: I don't know. It just sounded right. Wiffle bats, maybe? We spent... Read more →

Crowd Control

We spent the weekend -- the entire weekend, for reasons I cannot remember -- going places and doing things with and for the kids. All three of 'em. SPOILER ALERT: Going places and doing things sucks. On Friday we hauled everyone to the movie theater for Cars 2. (The boys loved it. LOVED IT! And I did not completely hate it! And the screaming baby in the theater did not belong to me! A victory all around, except for the part where we got out the door so incredibly late that popcorn had to count as everyone's dinner.) On Sunday we went to the pool. (I wore a bikini! That nobody saw, because I did not take the maternity dress I wore as a cover-up off for even a single minute. I sat in the shade and held the baby for a secondary layer of postpartum-belly-camouflage.) And wedged in between: Saturday. Oh, my heavenly lord. On Saturday we trekked into DC proper for a big barbecue battle-slash-street-festival. I hoped to eat some decent ribs and have a beer or two; I spent the entire afternoon pushing a double stroller around the kiddie section of the event, which was far, far... Read more →

(Not Yet) Born This Way

Or, I Was In The Very Front Row At A Lady Gaga Concert While Six Months Pregnant And All I Got Were Some Crappy Camera Phone Photos My ticket said NO CAMERAS, in very big capital letters. So I did not bring a camera, lest the Imaginary Authority Figures decided to yell at me. They DID yell, kind of, but not about the camera thing. Jason bought me these tickets way, waaaaay back last summer for our anniversary, and included a upgrade to a special Little Monsters package, which meant we got to get in before anybody else and snag the primo floor real estate up front. At first, this did not seem to be much of an upgrade at all, since it ALSO meant my friend* and I got to start standing up a full FIVE FREAKING HOURS before Lady Gaga actually came on stage. Five hours. Of non-stop standing up, minus exactly two incredibly hurried pee breaks. Not exaggerating. I can't even spend five hours SITTING down before I feel wiped out enough to move to full-on LYING down. Our spesul sort-of VIP status meant nothing to the event staff, however, who screamed at us repeatedly that if... Read more →

Don't Stand So Close To Me

Weirdest pregnancy symptom yet: Claustrophobia. Well, not even that, exactly. Kind of combination of a fear of crowds (demophobia!) combined with a violent knee-jerky reaction to invasions of my personal space. Like, if you accidentally bump into me in the grocery store aisle, don't be surprised if I start involuntarily shrieking and karate-chopping the shelves of soup cans. Jason noticed I seemed increasingly jumpy right from the start. I'm usually a big-time hugger, and very demonstrative and in-your-face with my compulsive need! For affection! Because I like you! Hi! Gimme a cuddle! Instead, ever since getting all knocked up, I would startle if he brushed into me and sort-of flailingly seek to extricate myself from bear hugs and whenever the boys would do their patented EVERYBODY PILE ON MOMMY couch trick I'd slither to the floor and escape, and not in a HA HA FUN MOMMY way. More of a BACK THE HELL OFF ME, YOU ANIMALS way. And then things got serious a few weeks ago, when I foolishly waited too long to head downtown for the Rally to Restore Sanity and/or Fear. I knew it would be bad, but not...that bad. I couldn't leave for the Metro until... Read more →

One Step Closer To My Dream Of One Day Thoroughly Annoying Tim Gunn In Person

On Friday night, I went to a party. A non-kid-birthday, grown-up-fancy party! And I, of course, proceeded to act like a toddler the entire time. Part the First: I decide to wear my new shoes. I attempt to drive a stick shift in my new shoes. Six blocks and three stall-outs later, I kick them off and drive barefoot instead. Part the Second: I arrive early because I am a blogger of considerable influence who is also Internet-Friends with one of the VIP guests, Laura Bennett of Project Runway/Daily Beast/Your Local Bookstore . I bump into the person who invited me in the first place, give her an awkward hug of thanks...and accidently stomp on her bare feet with -- oh my God -- those stupid fucking shoes. Part the Third: I attempt to give Laura directions to the event via text message, belatedly realizing that my phone auto-corrected my mistyping of "Elm Street" into "Elmo Street." Part the Fourth: There was wine. It was free. Part the Fifth: Socialite/Professional Fancy Party Person Tinsley Mortimer was another VIP. Laura and I decide to get our picture taken with her. She's busy holding an interview, but we don't let that stop... Read more →