Oh, but God help us, we went to the zoo. Thefuckingzoo, yes. We've been basking in downright lovely weather for a few days, and so, because I am freaking raging batshit crazy, I suggested that hey! We should take Noah to the zoo! It's free! It's outside! We'll see some animals! Get some exercise! Check in on those goddamn pandas. I'm sure the zoo no longer fucking sucks anymore, I mean: Obama. Right? Everything in DC is magical again. Results were fairly typical. The whole place smells like poop, is STILL under construction, the pandas were sleeping, the monkeys were all sitting morosely in their cages with their sad little ape fingers hanging through the bars while assholes rapped on the glass, and a tiger roared really ferociously, usurping that one scene in 101 Dadamations where Pongo bites the bad guys as our Number One Source of Preschooler Nightmares. I... Read more →


All This & More, Thanks to the Wonder of Technology

Some of the hideous post ideas I started and trashed yesterday: "My kitchen sink is drip...drip...dripping and aaaaaahhhhhhhhhstopit!" "Dear Dog and Cat: How do manage to time your vomiting TO THE EXACT MINUTE we run out of paper towels?" "Yeah, so I WANT to write another installment in the Deodorant Wars, but I've been struggling to come up with a plot line for my new stick of Dove Clinical Protection. Who IS she, as a character? What's her MOTIVATION?" Then I was all: cop-out time! Noah photo! Belly photo! But then all the camera batteries were all simultaneously dead. Simultaneously and AT THE SAME TIME EVEN. Clearly, the blogging gods were against me, determined that I should keep at least a few damn thoughts to my own damn self. This was, judging by the above examples, probably for the best. I don't really have much else to say today, other... Read more →


"Really!"

Well. THAT sure was some damn first-trimester hair, no? Something definitely...deflatey...happened to it in between my last-minute fluff-job in the bathroom upstairs and sitting down at the judges' table. But! My arms looked pretty skinny, AND they spelled my website's name correctly in the closed captioning. Success! Two thumbs up! Fine holiday fun. Now let us never speak of this again. Well, AFTER I talk about it just a little more, because really, what the hell else do I have to talk about, short of continuing my Grand Tradition of posting about something really gross and personal and embarrassing right in the wake of some kind of major media exposure? (Hey! Once the Throwdown buzz dies down remind me to tell you about the time I almost rushed myself to Labor & Delivery because of a hemorrhoid! The time called "Tuesday!") 1) Despite the fact that I honestly really know... Read more →


THROWDOWNUP Revisited

So I should probably post a photo of my kid waving a little American flag or something...like he's doing right now! complete with peanut-butter-and-jelly smeared all over his face, because we love America up right around here! But I am a little preoccupied with the growing ball of anxiety in mah belly (just north of the OTHER growing ball of something in mah belly), because we've been officially informed that our Throwdown with Bobby Flay episode is airing tomorrow night at 9 pm. Well, it's not "our" episode or anything -- in fact, I am really hoping "our" airtime is kept to like, four minutes -- that honor really belongs to local chef Teddy Folkman of Granville Moore's. We were just the completely unqualified judges who probably gave the producer a splitting tension headache via our inability to get a sentence out on camera without saying "uhh" or "umm" or... Read more →


THROWDOWNUP with Amy Storch

In my long and illustrious career of bothering minor celebrities, I have: 1) Swiped fried calamari from Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia. 2) Screamed IMABIGFAN!! at Ted Allen outside a wine festival while waving a commemorative wine glass at him. 3) Ate fondue with Project Runway's Laura Bennett; spilled fondue on self. 4) Non-consensually hugged Alan Cumming in the bathroom line of a restaurant. 5) Stared slack-jawed at 30 Rock's Judah Friedlander while he ate ravioli with his family. LESSON FOR CELEBRITIES: if you see me, and there appears to be food involved in the scenario, RUN AWAY. A few weeks ago, Jason got an email from someone at the Food Network. They were looking for local "food people" to participate in a new travel series that would profile a local chef. I was invited too. Basically: Food Network People: We need some DC-area foodie people for this show. Google:... Read more →


Let's Go To the Zoo, Part Two

I tried to tell Bunny that the fucking zoo fucking sucks, but she didn't believe me. She'd been to the fucking zoo and had a perfectly lovely time, save for the somewhat chilly March weather (she's from California, and thinks we're all nuts for living on this coast, where your car gets snowed in and you have to wear jackets and whatever the hell). So I allowed myself to be talked into going back to the fucking zoo. We'd go during the week! In the morning! Noah is old enough now! The pandas aren't such a big fucking deal anymore! It's gonna be great! So we packed up snacks and sippy cups and loaded up the offroading strollers and drove to the fucking zoo. The beginning of the day. Full of promise and hope and overwhelming skepticism. That arrow, by the way, led us to a non-stroller accessible walkway with... Read more →


Today's Agenda

We're going to the fucking zoo. Fuck. I am wearing my most ugliest comfortable walking shoes, and yet I still inexplicably felt compelled to shave my legs. Noah appears to be preemptively underwhelmed. I will report back from the other side, no doubt with a broken spirit and several blisters. Read more →


Blogzillas

Last night I attended my very first book-launch party. No, I did not write a book. Someone else wrote a book. And then someone else decided that inviting social dorkwad idiots like myself to the launch party was a good idea. (Bloggers. We're ruining ALL the best parties these days.) So. Let's recap the evening, shall we? 5:00 pm Okay. Jason will be home in a half hour to drive me to party. And pick up Bunny, who I am dragging as my plus-one. Plenty of time to put on pretty new dress, some makeup and pull hair into easy half-up, half-down, pulled-back-bangs look. 5:01 Notice red scaly patch of eczema-like rash on cheek. Random! Weird! Apply lotion and plug in curling iron. 5:04 Remember to turn curling iron ON. Whore. 5:05 Notice red scaly patch on cheek has morphed into some kind of angry red hive. Itchy. Ignore. 5:06... Read more →


Things!

1) Hey! Localites! Next year you MUST attend the Share Our Strength/Taste of the Nation event. Was a great party. Great! So great that now, many many hours later, the only word I can think of to describe it is...great. Well, that and...fuzzy. Wine-soaked. Creamy polenta served with braised shortribs and some kind of mystery fried foodstuff on a stick that I kept seeing people with but was never able to locate, which pissed me off because one of my guiding culinary principles is FOOD + FRIED + STICKS = AWESOME. 2) Also awesome was the fact that Jason and I were invited as (bwah ha haaaa) press, which meant we were tagged with the Yellow Wristbands Of I'm So Blogging This. Didn't stop one cute little old guy from scolding me about my hair ("You have gorgeous blonde hair and look what you did to it! Why? Whyyy?"). But... Read more →