part one || part two || part three || part four || part five MEANWHILE, ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE SINK: "Listen, Samuel Adams Alpine Spring, we need to talk. Are the rumors true? "I'm afraid they are, fellow cheesily-named Seasonal Brew. I'm in love." "Then it's time for you to decide. Are you a beer... ...or are you a deodorant?" MEANWHILE, IN BETWEEN THE TWO SINKS: "We can't keep meeting like this, Alpine! It's too risky. If my brothers ever found out..." "But I need you, Suave Invisible Solid! I need you and your extra-effective 24-hour protection! You are my everlasting sunshine! Nothing can keep us apart!" MEANWHILE, ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE OTHER SINK: "We know what's going on. We know and it stops now. You've changed, Suave. You used to be so simple and gimmick free and powder fresh and now you and your boyfriend and non-properly hyphenated and redundant promises ARE TEARING THE ENTIRE COMMUNITY APART." "Listen, Suave. I am the BOSS OF YOU. I just took the word "Matterhorn" and decided it was a SCENT. Cuz BAM. I smell like ICE, WIND & FREEDOM. The mountain-forest-water tableau on my label looks suspiciously similar... Read more →

Once upon a time, I noticed that deodorant labels had kind of lost their damn minds. It was no longer enough for a deodorant to promise you the basic trinity of Shit You Want It To Do — keep you dry, keep you non-smelly, keep your clothing not completely streaked in white chalky goo — because suddenly one single tube was promising at least seven different things. PH balance! Active Body Responsive! Moisturizing! Skin Nurturing! Smoothing! Hair Minimizing! Continually Renewing Fragrance! 24-hour wetness stank protection so yo ass don't even need to SHOWER with this shit, baby! And it needed to do all that while also looking less like a plastic tube of B.O. balm and more like some kind of fancy ornate perfume bottle with lots of pretty swirls and metallic accents. It's hard out there for a deodorant, apparently. So also once upon a time, I combined these Overly Deep Thoughts On Deodorant Labels with my compulsion to anthropomorphize inanimate objects and create elaborate soap operas with them. (WHAT.) Thus, the Deodorant Wars were born and I managed to accrue quite a collection of deodorants purchased specifcally for the series. Most of which I shoved in a drawer... Read more →

(This entry is based on actual events.) (I mean, kind of. I made up some parts up. See if you can guess which ones!) (Also, certain events have been recreated for photographic purposes.) (I wore gloves. Ew.) (Also also, if you have absolutely no idea what in sam blessed hill is going on here, allow me to direct you to the previous entries in the Deodorant Wars Saga [linked below], which goes further and further off the rails with each ridiculous installment.) Part One / Part Two / Part Three / Part Four The official cause of death? Accidental toilet drowning. "Some clumsy dumbass probably just knocked it off the bathroom counter and into the toilet with her elbow," the coroner said. "It's a real shame. By the looks of it she had a good 10, maybe even 20 clicks left in her." I didn't think too much of it at first. Once you've been Dermatologist Tested and equipped with patented TRIsolidTM body responsive technology, you pretty much become numb to this sort of thing. I just show up to write the reports, file the paperwork. The name's Lieutenant Degree Men Clinical Protection. I'm a cop. Maybe there was a... Read more →