Ike had his weight check and successfully gained a pound. Not a huge amount, but enough to satisfy his pediatrician for now. He also shot up ANOTHER inch in height, so I think we have our answer as to where his body prefers to utilize it's calories: Towards total devotion to the fine art of outgrowing all his damn clothes. Meanwhile, I gained like five pounds during the same time period, as the switch to whole milk string cheese did nothing to impact my personal string cheese consumption. Luckily! I am healed enough to ride my bike every day again! Which was a thing that started happening this summer, much to my own lazy ass' surprise. And it was one of the first things I whined about after breaking my elbow, perhaps because I knew that I'd prove perfectly capable of eating string cheese left handed. I am staying off hills and could probably get smoked by a toddler on training wheels, but still. I am outside doing a thing! Back in the realm of the Inside Kids, Ezra came home from school last week and announced that he was taking up the violin, as it has been his life... Read more →


(But first, an elbow update: Good tidings and huzzah! My latest x-ray revealed enough healing for me to ditch the splint and sling and focus on getting my range of motion back. I'm not allowed to lift anything heavier than a cup of coffee [official doctor's orders] and it's still pretty painful and gimpy-stiff, but my arm is freeeeeeeee from the mummy wrappings and I will definitely not need surgery. I am currently taking bets on how long it will take the five gloriously long fingernails I managed to grow during my weeks as a one-armed lady of leisure to break off. I'm guessing I'll lose at least one by the end of this post.) As I mentioned earlier, I somehow got talked into attending the Maryland Renaissance Festival/Faire thing on Monday. It's...not really my thing, to put it mildly, but I figured the kids would like the jousting and at the very least I know I enjoy watching both Shakespeare and people letting their nerd flags fly. And beer. There is beer. This is an acceptable outing. These outfits are also acceptable. Ike brought the hat from home and we rented the rest of the pirate garb. And you... Read more →


Well, hi! Look at me, typing and working. I am now allowed to take my arm splint off for UP TO 20 MINUTES A DAY for typing and work. Do you know how much I'm going to accomplish in that precious 20 minutes? Probably not very much! There is so much going on and so much to talk about and write about (omg Texas r u ok luv u plz have some money so v sorry), but today I'm just going keep things as myopic as possible and point out that Noah, my Noah, your Noah, OG Blog Baby Noah, is officially a middle schooler. Congratulations, we are all ancient now. Be careful out there today. Don't break a hip. (Affiliate link plug here but like, I'm being "authentic" and shit: We got him one of those Gizmo Gadget GPS watches last month and it is an excellent little doohickey. If you've got a kid on the Spectrum or any kid, really, who wants/needs more independence and freedom but isn't ready for a full-featured phone with data and games and distractions and all that, I highly recommend it. Noah loves it.) (Mentioning it mostly because 1) he's obviously wearing it,... Read more →


(HA HA SUCKERS, of course Imma talk about my stupid elbow.) Another week, another doctor's visit, X-ray and this time, a bonus ultrasound. We can now add "tricep avulsion" to my diagnosis, which basically means my tricep muscle cracked off a tiny piece of my olecranon (aka ye olde nubby pointy bit) in what I like to imagine was a fit of super-strong tricep Hulk rage. Also I have a HUGE hematoma under there too, literally bigger than all the elbow bones put together, so I look forward to watching my elbow turn 500 different shades of purple in the weeks ahead. It'll be like watching the eclipse all over again! SEGUE TIME. Here is my elbow out in the wild. Please note my ability to hold a beer remains unaffected, blessed be to the alcohol gods. A friend of ours scored us three kids' vouchers for free Orioles tickets for them and deeply discounted tickets for us, which meant we could take the money we saved on tickets and blow it all on hats. Lesson learned, do NOT wait to panic-buy five hats at the baseball stadium because you didn't pay attention to where your seats were and anticipate... Read more →


Late last summer, I discovered dozens of wild raspberry bushes in the woods behind our fence in the backyard. There were only a few stray berries left by that point, but Ezra and I did our best to harvest every last one we could. And I promised him that we'd pay better attention this year and maybe we'd get a few more. We started out picking just what we could reach through or over our fence, since we were a little wary of all the bugs and thorny things back there. (Of course we collected them in half of a Lego Star Wars planet. WTF else would you use?) Then one day, after watching Ezra pine for the dozens and dozens of bright red berries just beyond our reach, I said screw it, and hoisted him (and then my own ass) up and over the fence. Turns out, it's magic back there. Yes, there are thorns and mosquitoes and uneven rock paths. There are prickly vines to duck under, that catch and snag your hair and clothing and refuse to let go. There's a small stream that fills your shoes with muddy water, if you take a bad step on... Read more →


(Mah Innernetz went down on Tuesday morning and was finally restored late last night. No work, no play, just futile router rebooting every hour on the hour and racking up massive data overages from Verizon Mobile while waiting on Verizon FIOS to get its shit together, trapped in a super frustrating ouroboros of corporate bullshit.) First of all, happy birthday to this guy: Here he is with his birthday present, which I 100% had nothing to do with: In addition to Friday night soccer*, Jason's newfound return to outdoorsy-sportsy-ness now includes bike riding. Like on trails and dirt and stuff. He is currently scouring Craigslist for a bike for me, which is adorably misguided. To give you an idea of the last time I rode a bike, please consult this terrible blog post from 2003, only the fourth post ever published on this site, back when I had no clue what I was doing and wrote a lot of angry Open Letters to strangers and stores and the Oxygen Network. I do not particularly want a new bike. I'd really rather get a new dishwasher, as our current one is barely functioning and I am like five minutes away from... Read more →


It's the last day of school! You're mere hours away from summer vacation! Now line up outside so I can take one of a photo and do that "look how you've grown/changed" comparison thing. Look excited, or something. Wow. Tough crowd. (According to MY compare/contrast thing, Ike's hair is longer and he's wearing shoes he outgrew in January, Ezra's legs have grown approximately 25 inches, and Noah's been wearing the same dang shirt since August. Sounds about right.) Read more →


It's been a momentous couple of days around here, starting with Noah's elementary school graduation on Friday. Which...okay, we all showed up dressed for that "casual classroom party" vibe and instead discovered that OH NO THIS SHIT IS FULL ON SERIOUS POMP AND CIRCUMSTANCES. Girls were decked out in fancy dresses; some of the boys were in suits and ties. The mom next to me was all dressed up and brought balloons and roses. I wore workout clothes and brought my phone. Thankfully Noah spent most of the ceremony in the last row so no one could judge his shorts and Minecraft t-shirt...at least not until the super fomal certificate processional at the end. D'oh. The best part -- BEST -- was when the principal announced he'd received a very important letter for the graduates and read some kind of form letter about dreams and accomplishments and America blah blah blah. "Sincerely," he read, and then paused dramatically, "Donald Trump." Dead fucking silence. A few people rolled their heads back to suppress laughter and everybody else stared at the floor. I glanced at my forearm and swallowed an obnoxious snort. The graduates were not impressed. It was fairly delicious. Noah... Read more →


Jason was lucky enough to take a couple days off this week, and spent them either 1) getting at least one of the two children responsible for most of the screaming/tattling/HE'S BREATHING MY AIR sort of hullaballoo out of my hair, or 2) spending quality one-on-one time with our middle and youngest children, reinforcing good positive attention behaviors with a side of spoiling and all that jazz. Technically a bit of both, I suppose. Both days involved the aquarium and copious amounts of dessert. Jason also sent the following photo as evidence of Ezra's Scrabble prowess, but in doing so revealed himself to be a dirty cheat who plays acronyms and two-letter words the second I'm not around to challenge that shit. (Note: Jason won't play Scrabble with me anymore.) Last night it was my turn to treat a kid to a special time out, and I landed either the best or worst assignment, depending on how you look at it. I took him to see DanTDM Live at the Baltimore Hippodrome. Who is DanTDM, you might ask? A perfectly reasonable question that I'm still not sure I can answer. DanTDM is a small and highly energetic British human who... Read more →


It's Spring Break! And it's shaping up to be a disaster. Well, disaster-ish. That hysterical blind-to-privilege mommyblogger definition of disaster. The children have no camps! No activities! They are all just HERE. In the HOUSE. With ME and EACH OTHER and my DEADLINES. I did this to myself, yes, entirely. My new contract gig still hasn't set a start date so I didn't want to plunder our flexible spending account just yet for childcare expenses. I figured I could get away with reducing my hours across existing clients a bit this week, maybe just work half days if possible. But then this morning the news came in that my background check is done and lo, I am not a criminal unworthy of writing web site copy, and they have like a hundred and four projects they want me to work on immediately once the final rubber-stamp comes down. Okay. This could get interesting, very quickly. I sat down with the kids this morning and went over the day's schedule and some detailed instructions. No screen time or TV until chores are done. You will play outside as much as possible, I mean it, you will not mimic your mother's pale,... Read more →