BECAUSE I'M STILL NOT OVER THIS. Q: So why did you name her "Bluen?" A. Because she wears blue pajamas. (OMG) Q. Why did you add the "N" to her name? A. Because I did not want to name her Blue. (HEADDESK) Q. Is she still "Bluen" when she wears her pink party dress? A. Yes. (IT'S ALL SO CLEAR NOW) Q. How do you spell "Bubby"? A. (HOLY FUCKING SHIT I THINK I'M HAVING A STROKE) Read more →

The first great crisis of Spring Break 2015 is here and happening, and has the ranks thoroughly divided. A single Lego minifigure is missing. It is apparently a VERY IMPORTANT minifigure, because its status as lost has rendered Noah's entire Hero Factory collection useless, because he cannot play Hero Factory without this minifigure. They have told me this minifigure's name 14 billion times, but I still have no idea who or what they are talking about. I think it's red? According to Noah, the minifigure was last seen in Ike's possession. Ike maintains that he put it back in Noah's room where it belongs. Again, according to Noah, this is a damned dirty lie because he's looked "everywhere" in his room and it's not there. I remain neutral, because I'm pretty sure looking "everywhere" involved little more than standing in the center of the room and sort of idly glancing around, the way he also looks "everywhere" for his shoes, which are typically three feet away and in his direct line of sight. And yet also nowhere to be found! Strange, that. After more fruitless searching (at one point they attempted to use Ike like a search dog, making him... Read more →

I was out with Noah on Saturday morning when someone asked him if he was excited for Easter. Oh. Right! That. Uhh. (Geez, Easter Bunny. Get your shit together.) A quick trip to Target for some books and candy later, we were officially ready to half-ass this holiday. I don't think anybody minded. (And yes, I'm aware they all need haircuts. That was the original Saturday afternoon plan that got bumped for Easter shopping. Because I can only accomplish one thing a day because I AM NOT A TIME MANAGEMENT WIZARD.) (Nice bedroom slippers, Amy. Thanks for dressing up for the occasion.) ALSO, IMPORTANT TRUTHER MOMENT. If you follow my husband on Facebook/Instagram, you may notice that, despite regularly posting photos of/from our back deck, SOMETHING IS CONSISTENTLY MISSING: Yes. Good work on the container garden, husband! Looks really nice and organized. Shame I have access to your camera roll online though. NICE TRY WITH UR LIES. Starting to wonder, though: Are we really watching the tire, or is the tire watching us? This has been TIREWATCH 2015: THE TIREWATCHENING, brought to you by your friendly neighborhood assholes who didn't even bother dyeing real Easter eggs this year and who... Read more →

There Is a Tire at the End of This Post

So a small handful of people expressed concerns (or rather hopes, dreams) that this blog was the source of the Stress That Is Eating Amy's Skin Alive, and that I was perhaps vagueblogging about its imminent demise/shutdown. To which I say: Sorry, Internet. You're still not getting rid of this ol' dinosaur just yet. I mean, honestly, you guys are pretty great. You are funny and kind and also I SUPER APPRECIATE how understanding and engaged you've been with the recent uptick in sponsored posts. (Which wasn't exactly planned for, and I doubt will continue much longer; it's more a result of typical feast/famine on that sort of thing.) I will continue to post here as much as a can and to also do my best to make the sponsored stuff as amusing as possible, or at least seem like something I would write about regardless. (Speaking of: Attention winemakers of the world. I have upcoming sponsored posting spots available on my editorial calendar. Please to send me some alcohol.) (Ha ha ha "editorial calendar." Like this shitshow is that organized.) If anything, I still want to follow-through on that whole "posting/writing more" thing, even without the ads/sponsorships/whatever. Those sure... Read more →

A few weeks ago, I took Ezra to Target for some good old-fashioned blowing of all the allowance money. His choices basically tell you everything you need to know about the type of child he is: A sweet ass Bumblebee Transformer and a crib for his precious baby Bloon. The Transformer almost didn't happen, however, because Ezra was very torn between it and a set of "market stuff" that he wanted to get for Bubby. It was a $7 accessory set designed for one of Target's doll lines, in case your doll wanted to shop at her local farmer's market: A wide-brimmed hat, a basket, some fruits and vegetables, plus a couple tiny little dollars. After much debating, Ezra opted for Bumblebee and decided to save up for Bubby's Market Stuff for next time. He dutifully performed all his chores and daily tasks without complaint. He was a man on a mission. Market Stuff. Market Stuff! (In case you're curious, his chore responsibilities include: making his bed, putting his laundry away, setting and clearing the table, loading the dishwasher, doing his homework, plus help with general toy/clutter and keeping his room clean.) He also ate two or three apples every... Read more →

It's Snow Day four million and three. Conditions are deteriorating. *** As is my ability to spell "deteriorating" correctly on the first second third try. *** They have eaten all the waffles and are clamoring for more waffles. HOW CAN YOU EAT SO MANY WAFFLES? No one wants to go outside and play in the snow, because fuck snow. They're all tired of snow, and would rather climb on Mom's head while she types and cause her to reflexively protect her coffee cup every 2.3 seconds because BODIES and LIMBS and FLAILING MUPPET ARMS. *** My attempt at a Pinterest-y project of making ninja masks out of t-shirts managed to amuse them, but I can't stop thinking they look more like ISIS fighters than ninjas. This is...vaguely unnerving. *** Ezra lost another tooth yesterday. I posted an Instagram of him, with a caption reminding myself to not forget about the Tooth Fairy. Other people chimed in and we all bonded over occasionally forgetting about the Tooth Fairy, even though this time -- THIS TIME -- I totally wasn't going to forget about the Tooth Fairy. *** I forgot about the Tooth Fairy. However, after I remembered this morning, it seemed... Read more →

My Internet is getting fixed today! At some point between the hours of 8 a.m. and 8 p.m., anyway. Thanks for that super-helpful service window, Verizon. I'll just sit here and wait for the inevitable, which is that you will not arrive during any of the many hours I am here sitting and waiting, but will of course arrive during the 15 minutes that I absolutely have leave the house to pick Ike up from school. And you'll get all huffy and impatient and I'll be all apologetic and flustered and we'll get off on the wrong foot, all because my three year old can't "drive" or "cross major intersections by himself." Yet, anyway. Let's not get off on the wrong foot, Imaginary Huffy Verizon Authority Figure. *** Speaking of Ike, he has decided that he is done with preschool, and the fact that he is not allowed to attend kindergarten at his brothers' school has taken over as the latest Three Year Old Worst Injustice In The World, At Least Since This Morning When He Was Served Milk In The Wrong Cup. (Yes. STILL with the wrong cup. And the dark blue plate. We've also added: Non-Ninja-Turtle Underwear is... Read more →

Whoa. What happened there? Days turned into weeks and now it's February and even my family members are texting me now like, "Uh. You alive? Everything cool?" I was in Florida this week for work, a long series of 17-hour days and no free time and the best part is that I get to do it AGAIN next week, to a different part of Florida. This week was Orlando. I brought the kids some free maps of Legoland and Harry Potter World from my hotel as souvenirs, because I am an amazing parent who never leaves room in her suitcase to bring them back anything good and/or wildly overpriced. (Except for YAAASSSSSSSS more Hyatt soaps. Although this week the maid figured out my hoarding game and cut me off after two soaps. Dammit.) Within an hour of arriving at my hotel, I watched a guy trying to flirt with the concierge, who apparently is attending college for healthcare management. He wished her luck in a tough field, then walked away, but stopped to bellow "BECAUSE OBAMACARE" at me and my slightly startled (and non-eavesdropping) coworkers. "BECAUSE OBAMACARE" became one of many team refrains for the week and our go-to excuse... Read more →

Best Performance by a Supporting Baby Tooth

I am so angry about The LEGO Movie Oscar snub right now I can't even finish this sentence. Except that I guess I did. Oh. Okay. Moving on. *** Ezra has his very first loose tooth — a much-anticipated event, marred by the fact that it announced its looseness with a fairly large amount of blood. "MY TOOTH IS FALLING OUT!" he wailed from the top of the stairs last night, over and over again, in a panicked, screeching voice. (Ezra's personal attention-seeking flavor of Middle Child Syndrome is high-pitched Theatrical Wailing/Shrieking. About everything. All the time. It's great.) I went to investigate and aaaaahhhhhhhhhh Aaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh AAAAHHHHHHH there was blood all over his face and hands. NOTHING bleeds more profusely than a tiny, inconsequential wound to that child's face or mouth, by the way. When Ezra was a klutzy toddler he'd trip and faceplant on things, which would bash his gums or send his teeth into his inner lip, and by the time he stood back up it was already a scene from a horror movie. To this day most first aid efforts with Ezra typically involve 15 minutes of just trying to find where all the blood is even... Read more →