I was out with Noah on Saturday morning when someone asked him if he was excited for Easter. Oh. Right! That. Uhh. (Geez, Easter Bunny. Get your shit together.) A quick trip to Target for some books and candy later, we were officially ready to half-ass this holiday. I don't think anybody minded. (And yes, I'm aware they all need haircuts. That was the original Saturday afternoon plan that got bumped for Easter shopping. Because I can only accomplish one thing a day because I AM NOT A TIME MANAGEMENT WIZARD.) (Nice bedroom slippers, Amy. Thanks for dressing up for the occasion.) ALSO, IMPORTANT TRUTHER MOMENT. If you follow my husband on Facebook/Instagram, you may notice that, despite regularly posting photos of/from our back deck, SOMETHING IS CONSISTENTLY MISSING: Yes. Good work on the container garden, husband! Looks really nice and organized. Shame I have access to your camera roll... Read more →


There Is a Tire at the End of This Post

So a small handful of people expressed concerns (or rather hopes, dreams) that this blog was the source of the Stress That Is Eating Amy's Skin Alive, and that I was perhaps vagueblogging about its imminent demise/shutdown. To which I say: Sorry, Internet. You're still not getting rid of this ol' dinosaur just yet. I mean, honestly, you guys are pretty great. You are funny and kind and also I SUPER APPRECIATE how understanding and engaged you've been with the recent uptick in sponsored posts. (Which wasn't exactly planned for, and I doubt will continue much longer; it's more a result of typical feast/famine on that sort of thing.) I will continue to post here as much as a can and to also do my best to make the sponsored stuff as amusing as possible, or at least seem like something I would write about regardless. (Speaking of: Attention winemakers... Read more →


A few weeks ago, I took Ezra to Target for some good old-fashioned blowing of all the allowance money. His choices basically tell you everything you need to know about the type of child he is: A sweet ass Bumblebee Transformer and a crib for his precious baby Bloon. The Transformer almost didn't happen, however, because Ezra was very torn between it and a set of "market stuff" that he wanted to get for Bubby. It was a $7 accessory set designed for one of Target's doll lines, in case your doll wanted to shop at her local farmer's market: A wide-brimmed hat, a basket, some fruits and vegetables, plus a couple tiny little dollars. After much debating, Ezra opted for Bumblebee and decided to save up for Bubby's Market Stuff for next time. He dutifully performed all his chores and daily tasks without complaint. He was a man on... Read more →


It's Snow Day four million and three. Conditions are deteriorating. *** As is my ability to spell "deteriorating" correctly on the first second third try. *** They have eaten all the waffles and are clamoring for more waffles. HOW CAN YOU EAT SO MANY WAFFLES? No one wants to go outside and play in the snow, because fuck snow. They're all tired of snow, and would rather climb on Mom's head while she types and cause her to reflexively protect her coffee cup every 2.3 seconds because BODIES and LIMBS and FLAILING MUPPET ARMS. *** My attempt at a Pinterest-y project of making ninja masks out of t-shirts managed to amuse them, but I can't stop thinking they look more like ISIS fighters than ninjas. This is...vaguely unnerving. *** Ezra lost another tooth yesterday. I posted an Instagram of him, with a caption reminding myself to not forget about the... Read more →


My Internet is getting fixed today! At some point between the hours of 8 a.m. and 8 p.m., anyway. Thanks for that super-helpful service window, Verizon. I'll just sit here and wait for the inevitable, which is that you will not arrive during any of the many hours I am here sitting and waiting, but will of course arrive during the 15 minutes that I absolutely have leave the house to pick Ike up from school. And you'll get all huffy and impatient and I'll be all apologetic and flustered and we'll get off on the wrong foot, all because my three year old can't "drive" or "cross major intersections by himself." Yet, anyway. Let's not get off on the wrong foot, Imaginary Huffy Verizon Authority Figure. *** Speaking of Ike, he has decided that he is done with preschool, and the fact that he is not allowed to attend... Read more →


Whoa. What happened there? Days turned into weeks and now it's February and even my family members are texting me now like, "Uh. You alive? Everything cool?" I was in Florida this week for work, a long series of 17-hour days and no free time and the best part is that I get to do it AGAIN next week, to a different part of Florida. This week was Orlando. I brought the kids some free maps of Legoland and Harry Potter World from my hotel as souvenirs, because I am an amazing parent who never leaves room in her suitcase to bring them back anything good and/or wildly overpriced. (Except for YAAASSSSSSSS more Hyatt soaps. Although this week the maid figured out my hoarding game and cut me off after two soaps. Dammit.) Within an hour of arriving at my hotel, I watched a guy trying to flirt with the... Read more →


Best Performance by a Supporting Baby Tooth

I am so angry about The LEGO Movie Oscar snub right now I can't even finish this sentence. Except that I guess I did. Oh. Okay. Moving on. *** Ezra has his very first loose tooth — a much-anticipated event, marred by the fact that it announced its looseness with a fairly large amount of blood. "MY TOOTH IS FALLING OUT!" he wailed from the top of the stairs last night, over and over again, in a panicked, screeching voice. (Ezra's personal attention-seeking flavor of Middle Child Syndrome is high-pitched Theatrical Wailing/Shrieking. About everything. All the time. It's great.) I went to investigate and aaaaahhhhhhhhhh Aaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh AAAAHHHHHHH there was blood all over his face and hands. NOTHING bleeds more profusely than a tiny, inconsequential wound to that child's face or mouth, by the way. When Ezra was a klutzy toddler he'd trip and faceplant on things, which would bash his... Read more →


Oh yeah, look at me, blogging SO MUCH MORE, just like I promised. I am nothing if not hella consistent with being a huge goddamn flake. Anyway, here are some things that happened: 1) Jason indeed got snipped. He has offered to write a guest post about the experience, and I have accepted that offer, provided I am allowed to interrupt his entry with a lot of Parenthetical Editorial Comments. Please to expect follow-through on this idea at some point in late 2016. 2) While that procedure was literally in progress, I went and met my friend's brand-new baby boy. I held him, smelled his head, and even changed an up-the-back poop diaper like an old pro. Then I handed him back to his parents and drove home, possibly while singing DAMN IT FEELS GOOD TO BE A GANGSTA because nope, never again, not happening. 3) And oh. Right. Christmas.... Read more →


Due to my delicate condition, I outsourced the yearly trek out for the Mall Santa photo to my husband and mother-in-law last week. I shuffled around semi-usefully just long enough to get the boys in sweaters — as "sweaters" are about as close as we get to "dress clothes" around here, since collared shirts require ironing (fuck dat), and everything else they own proudly features a) a garishly colored, licensed cartoon character on it, b) some sort of orange-y red Mystery Stain, or c) both. So! Sweaters for everybody! Or...wait...unless... Crap, does everybody even own a sweater at this point? Turns out, they do! I was amazed. They all even seemed pleasantly coordinated, which...huh. A few minutes after they walked out the door, I realized that I'd just sent at least two children out wearing the same sweaters they wore in last year's Mall Santa picture, because that's the last... Read more →


We took the boys to a Christmas tree farm this weekend. We came home with a very beautiful tree, a bag of kettle corn, and a gigantic sticky puddle of spilled hot chocolate all over the minivan. Have you ever gone on a family outing, taken a ton of pictures and then realized — once you were home — that basically every photo you took is an outtake, with somebody being a weirdo in every single shot? Just me? Okay then. Cheesy Facehole Board, Attempt #1: From L to R: Ezra's making a pirate face, Noah's eyes are closed, my hulking shadow is distracting, and Ike is... Oh, Ike is just LOVING this. Cheesy Facehole Board, Attempt #2: This time we have Suspicious Side Eye, Squinty Scrunch Face and Kid Who Smells Something Terrible. Cheesy Facehole Board, Attempt #3: I don't even know what's going on with Ike's face in... Read more →