Septuacentenial Cupcake in a Cup

As a Very Important "Beauty Insider" member at Sephora (translation: HA HA, WE GOT YOU TO SIGN UP FOR A CARD JUST FOR FREE SAMPLES, SUCKER), I am apparently entitled to a birthday gift every year. Provided I make a purchase during my birthday month. And remember to present that stupid card. Anyway, my gift was a small bottle of shower gel. It's glittery and sparkly and smells like cupcakes. Thanks, Sephora! How did you know I was turning 12 this year? My mom says I can wear the tinted kind of Chapstick now too! (I guess I should be grateful that they DON'T customize the birthday gift too much, since if they were to base it off my recent purchases I'd probably get an anti-wrinkle cream that smells like lemon verbena. And desperation.) (Oh, and I'm 31 now. Everyone kept telling me that 31 would hit me harder than 30, but it didn't. I guess there's something about having TWO CHILDREN that makes you already feel older than dirt, what with how terriblly haggard you look next to their chubby smooth perfection [seriously, if you ever want to feel REALLY BADLY about yourself, press your face against an infant's... Read more →

But It's Tradition, Dammit

I have taken approximately 3,923,001 pictures of that child over the past three years, and I have NEVER once seen him make that face. I'm so glad I got to pay $16.99 for this once-in-a-lifetime expression of Complete & Utter Goober. (I do like how Ezra's just trying to blend in, striking the patented T-Rex-can-only-see-you-if-you-move pose. Good work, son.) Happy Holidays. We're off to introduce the new man to the family and eat a lot of pie. Read more →

A Bunch of Turkeys

(Photo-heavy post warning. Click below or skip it completely. It's like your very own Matrix blue pill/red pill conundrum!) We kept trying to call the stuffing "bread" and the cranberry sauce "jelly" and the cauliflower gratin "macaroni and cheese" and the turkey "the flesh of thine enemies" but Noah would have none of it. None of any of it. He did eat a slice of apple crumb pie. The next morning. For breakfast. You would think we have a lot of leftovers still in the fridge, but we actually don't. What can I say? I do good work, people. I also know how to really capture the spirit and mood of the day in photographs. Clearly. (Was only photographed in his swing because OH MY GOD, HE'S IN HIS SWING AND NOT SCREAMING. Jason suggested I hold him for the above photos, to which I responded: ARE YOU HIGH, HE'S IN HIS SWING AND NOT SCREAMING.) (Was also very almost accidentally mistaken for some sausage and sauteed with butter and mixed into the stuffing.) And now, the Seemingly Required Noah and Ezra Hugging As If They Liked Each Other Or Something Photo Of The Day: And now, some bonus outtakes.... Read more →


Well. We're all still alive. So that's something. I'll spare you most of the slightly horrific, nose-blow-by-blow details of my weekend, except for: 1) Chest cold, i.e. coughing up my fucking toe bones. 2) Sinus infection, i.e. OH MY GOD EVERYBODY PLEASE STOP HAMMERING ON MY FACE. 3) Double ear infection, i.e. Noah no longer getting any sympathy for his SINGLE ear infection, like WHATEVER. 4) Pinkeye, i.e. or possibly "just" the double ear infection leaking out of both of my eyes. 5) Hives from an allergic reaction to the doses of antibiotic I swiped from Noah, i.e. HIVES? YOU THINK I GIVE A SHIT ABOUT SOME PUSSY ASS HIVES AT THIS POINT? Show me anaphylatic shock and then we'll talk. Yeah. My spirit was officially broken around 5 am on Sunday morning, when I woke up with both eyes sealed shut, realizing just how sick I still was, and trying to cry because I just wanted to feel better, but being unable to cry because my eyes were fucking sealed shut. Luckily, darkest before dawn and all that. I am feeling better, save for the sensation that the left side of my face -- from my eardrums down to... Read more →


So I think I've officially lost my sense of humor about this whole House of Doom and Germs and Fluids Leaking From Everybody's Headholes thing. Perhaps I left it at the pediatrician's office this morning. Perhaps I'll call and see if anyone has noticed the smell of death coming from their Lost & Found. Today's photo, if I chose to illustrate our plight, which I won't, because it's fucking disgusting, would feature the red oozing eyes of both Noah AND HIS MOTHER, who are sporting matching cases of pinkeye. Noah is also covered in a horrible itchy rash, which I initially brushed off as a run-of-the-mill viral rash, but now appears to be an allergic reaction to -- get this -- the Method Baby detergent I bought for Ezra's clothes. We typically use the Seventh Generation Free & Clear detergent for Noah's clothes, and YES I KNOW, I don't need special baby detergent, but that Method stuff smells so damn good I was helpless to resist it. (Seriously. That shit will make you LACTATE, it's so baby-fresh-delicious.) But my mother-in-law took control of the laundry this week and actually did laundry so often that she was able to COMBINE Noah's... Read more →

And Everything Else

My dad is back in the hospital. On Monday night he had a coughing fit while taking his medication (nothing super out of the ordinary -- he chokes very easily since losing his larynx to cancer) and aspirated a pill into his lung. He's now being treated for aspiration pneumonia. The good news is that he appears to be responding very well to the treatment and we're hoping he'll come home today. My parents got to "see" the baby via webcam a few hours before the accident, and I spoke with him on the phone yesterday and as always, he sounds great. *** We're all sick too, although in a much less dramatic pneumonia-ish way. Noah came down with a bad, baaaaad cold last week -- he woke up wheezing on Thursday, and because Daddy was home scored himself a trip to the DOCTOR, where Daddy was told that it was indeed just a bad, baaaaaad cold. As we all know, Mama would never have taken him to the doctor, but would have instead smeared some Vaseline on his chest and called it a day. *** I did take Ezra to the doctor yesterday, obviously because he's new and shiny... Read more →

My Patented Formula: Post a Half-Assed Tantrum Then Frantically Backpedal When I Get Called on the Half-Assed Tantrum

Thank you, everybody, for your comments yesterday, and for indulging my moment of triumphant self-pity. I came very close to not even mentioning the situation at all, both because I thought some stiff-upper-lipitude would make it easier for my mom (I think, in fact, she was relieved to see that I actually DID want them down, since I guess I'd been a little TOO quick to assure her that I was fine! Fine with this! Don't you dare worry about me, because I am FINE!) and because I Know How Posts Like That Sound. Get some perspective! Things could be worse! Quit whining! Which. Of course. A couple of you pointed that out. In SUCH a nice way too. My intention is not to win gold medals at the Pain Olympics. My intention is to...I don't know. Throw words at the Internet to see what sticks, and yesterday I was very, very sad and things were hitting me in a bizarre delayed-reaction style -- my poor dad! my poor mom! what if this doesn't get better? who is going to take care of them? I'm not ready to take care of them because I still need someone to take care... Read more →

And the Village Burned to the Ground

I talked to my mom yesterday. My dad is not doing well. He's unsteady, dizzy, forgetful. A heart monitor found an arrhythmia. Everything keeps getting worse instead of better. The doctors think his symptoms are the results of his fall this past June and not the reason for his fall. They don't actually have any real clue why he fell but the fact remains that he might very well fall again. My mom stands helplessly by, knowing that she can't leave him, even though she can't catch him, either. My head spun off in a million directions -- a million questions for the doctors, potential solutions to their living situation that would grant them the luxury of being able to leave the house, lamenting the lack of family near them, rehashing the conversation Jason and I had over the weekend wondering whether we should confront the inevitable and move back to Pennsylvania because clearly no one else will -- even though I could really only stammer my sympathies and a suggestion that Peapod might be have cheaper delivery fees for groceries than Acme. Mostly I just tried to dismissively wave off the real reason my mom had called. I understand.... Read more →

PopPop & His Boo Boo Hurt All Better, reports area toddler

Oh, Internet Peoples. Thank you for everything this week, the comments and emails and positive granola mother earth vibes or whatever it was y'all sent out. You guys are the wind beneath my wonderwall, or something. My dad is FINE. Once again he pulled through something that could have very well killed him in record time and was eating hamburgers within 24 hours and bemoaning the lack of extra ketchup. He was discharged late yesterday because of a never-ending string of last-minute MRIs and EKGs and heart-monitory things in futile attempts to figure out why he fell (we still don't know, which is very frustrating, but I'm hoping one of the bazillion follow-up visits and consultations we've had to schedule will eventually reveal something). But for now, he is home and healing and complaining of nothing but a headache (you know, from all the SKULL FRACTURES AND WHATNOT) and that TiVo cut off the ends of all his Phillies games while he was gone. My mother originally ordered me NOT to visit, on account of my delicate with-child condition, and I immediately pish-poshed her and tossed myself and my kid in the car and drove up there, where I proceeded... Read more →


Thank you all so much for the prayers and kind thoughts. Noah and I got here yesterday afternoon and he promptly peed through every blessed pair of pants I packed. I've done laundry twice already, although one of those times may have been more because I forgot to add detergent. Maybe. I cop to nothing. I got to visit with my dad last night -- he's conscious but not feeling super great (NEWSFLASH! NO WAY! WOW!), and looks like he and the pavement got into quite the barfight. He's still in the ICU and undergoing a zillion tests to determine the cause of his fall (he didn't trip, it was more of blackout and a dead drop to the ground), but a CAT scan revealed that the bleeding in his brain is NOT getting worse. So. There is that, and y'all feel free to cue up the ER theme music in your heads right now. Doo doo doop doop, or however it goes. I made some fabulous ratatouille for dinner last night, and then we ate the hell out of some ice cream. Noah climbed on my head at 6 am this morning and Baby Tivo is present and accounted... Read more →