Under Contract

So that's done. Ish. Still have the inspection/appraisal gauntlet to get through (YOU BEST BEHAVE, HOUSE), but we accepted an offer last night. And broke more than a few hearts in the process, unfortunately, including a woman who literally barged into the house with her agent five minutes before our agent arrived with a stack of offers. They insisted that our agent encouraged them to come (a total lie, turned out), then they looked around and wouldn't leave and then the woman started crying when it became clear that no, SERIOUSLY, you do not have a chance at buying this house, please just go, okay? So that was...weird. We close in 30 days, three days before school starts. We're touring 17 goddamn houses tomorrow. (We're moving kind of far away, if you haven't guessed that already. We're staying in Maryland but moving far enough away that driving there is a significant time commitment. Basically cashing out of a crazy inflated low-inventory sellers' market and heading to much calmer, cheaper pastures. IN THEORY, anyway.) I have no idea how or if this is all going to work out, so I'm trying to just not think about it too hard so I... Read more →


On Sunday morning, the day of our Open House, we woke up to a bedroom full of wasps. Wasps. Not hornets. We'd already dealt with the hornets. And now there were dozens of freshly hatched little wasps all over the (Schüco brand, professionally installed in 2007, 10-year warranty transfers to new owner) windows. This shit is getting BIBLICAL. We spent the entire morning smashing wasps with rolled-up magazines and vacuuming up their corpses, then went on a fruitless search for the source of this latest plague. We searched the attic, closets, vents, window frames, roof, gutters, trees, you name it. No nest or hive in sight. The wasps simply appeared out of nowhere, were promptly and violently dealt with, and we haven't seen another one anywhere since. BUT STILL, INTERNET. BUT STILL! WHY IS THIS HAPPENING? I'm sorry we hurt your feelings, Townhouse. It's not you! You're lovely. Everyone who has come to see you thinks you're lovely! It's just us. Please. Stop. You've punished us enough. Please don't fall apart or catch on fire or have a million rats fall out of the ceiling like in Ratatouille. After killing the last wasp, Jason and I just stared at each... Read more →


It happened. It's happening. Sign in the yard, house officially goes on the market in an hour or so. First showing is already booked approximately 15 minutes after that. Me right now: Also me right now: So I just need to sell this house, find a new house, buy a new house, then pack up everything in this house and move it to the new house. And then like, get the kids enrolled in new schools and find someone who can cut my hair. Piece of cake. All of it. I'm sure. Holy fuckballs, what were we thinking? Read more →


The house is getting photographed for our listing this afternoon. It's happening! It's all finally happening! As of yesterday, however, this was all still happening: WELCOME TO OUR HOME! HAVE A BIKE OR SEVEN! I HAVE NO IDEA WHERE TO PUT THIS CRAP! ALL CRAP-STORING OPTIONS ARE CURRENTLY FILLED WITH OTHER CRAP! WHAT, YOU EXPECT THEM TO EAT BREAKFAST WITHOUT BRINGING ALONG A ZOO? *EYELID TWITCH* *WEIRD FOREHEAD VEIN THING* GO HOME, APPLIANCES. YOU'RE DRUNK. AND DON'T FIT ANYWHERE UNTIL I THROW OUT A WAFFLE IRON. AAAAAAARRRRGGGGHHHHH I JUST CLEANED THIS UP GAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH THIS TOO WHAT ARE YOU EVEN DOING, STOOL? THIS VACUUM BROKE FIVE YEARS AGO PEOPLE. WHAT IN THE EVER-LOVING FUCK IS WRONG WITH US? STOP. PLZ STOP. STAHHHHHHHHHHP. BLURRY HUMMINGBIRD HANDS IN FULL EFFECT, Y'ALL! ... ... You have got to be literally kidding me. OH HELL TO THE FUCK NO. I CAST THEE OUT STOMACH DEMON I REBUKE THEE I CAPS LOCK YOU FROM ORBIT. (He's fine. Totally fine. A little indigestion from too many snacks at the neighbor's house mixed with some good old-fashioned dramatics. And my brain is slowing resolidifying itself from a melted liquid form! Hooray! EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OKAY!!!!!!!!) Read more →


Wow. I am so frazzled right now I completely forgot to blogshame my amazing husband about this: While he was away last week, I decided to be SuperNice SuperWife and organize his closet for him. Or maybe for me, and my sanity, because he kept saying he would do it but then wouldn't, even though I was CLEARLY staring at him hard enough to SET HIM ON FIRE. I'd already tackled my closet and shelves, purging mercilessly along the way, in hopes that nosy prospective homebuyers would be wowed by my organizational skills and the illusion that OMG LOOK AT ALL THAT SPACE WE SHALL NEVER EVER OUTGROW ALL THAT SPACE HOORAY! Suckers. Here's all the crap I pulled out: (Okay, so I know it's unwise to be publicly ragging on my house right before we attempt to sell it, but I feel like the closet thing is a trick we all do, we all know we all do it, and yet we all fall for it, every time. The previous homeowners did it. The homeowners of our next house will do it. I'm doing it right fucking now and I still wander around open houses randomly peeking into artfully... Read more →


The Joys of Owning a Home You Don't Want to Own Anymore

Hi. I'm a wreck. This moving idea. It's a terrible idea. I think it might be the single worst idea we've ever come up with, and that includes the matching tattoos and that time we went to IKEA just to buy napkins. It's definitely happening though. We just need to shit to STOP BREAKING. The dishwasher managed to turn itself into a Big Whole Saga Thing, because of course it did. The hose-y part took longer to arrive then expected, and on Friday the repairman showed up and was completely unable to pull the dishwasher out, blaming the floors and countertops boxing it in too tightly. His suggestion? Just buy a whole new dishwasher and take a hacksaw to the legs of this one. I managed to not cry in front of him, settling with a long, drawn-out whispered "fuuuuuuck." Jason came home later, and five minutes later had the stupid dishwasher out. It's being repaired, finally and for real, right now. Unless I just jinxed everything by typing that sentence. (CTRL-C-ing that shit, then deleting. I will paste it back in once the repairman leaves and I can confirm that yes, it is working. SUCK IT, UNIVERSE.) (YAAAASSSSS FIXED.)... Read more →


I have no idea what to write about, because I am having troubled coming up with any string of words or letters or even basic sounds that would come close to what life is like around my house right now. This is the closest I've been able to come: GAHGAHAGHAHFOSDLHJKAWIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE (needsmoreEEEEEE)KJALZPP;A,K293,A,NA,N>>>"*@#&DKJN I should copy/paste that so I can have it handy for the next person who asks, "So how's it going?" The house is almost ready to sell. Once the dishwasher get repaired tomorrow, because OF COURSE the dishwasher choose this very moment to break. (But it's fixable! And we are getting it fixed! Have no fear, prospective homebuyers. It just needed some little hose-y part replaced and we have ordered a top-of-the-line little hose-y part and will have it professionally repaired by a licensed and bonded hose-y part expert. Spared no expense! We also refinished the deck!) In the meantime, I am literally spending hours every day handwashing a million dishes, instead of tackling the last few to-do items before we list. 1) WASH WINDOWS. 2) HIDE A SHITLOAD OF SHIT IN ATTIC. 3) VACUUM LIKE AN INSANE PERSON. 4) CHUCK ALL THE BIKES/SCOOTERS/SKATEBOARDS INTO OUR NEIGHBORS' BACKYARD, BECAUSE... Read more →


It's been one of those days/weeks when personal blogging feels especially self-absorbed. I have news coverage from South Carolina open in all my other browser tabs and then I come HERE and like...what do I even write about? The biggest problem I encountered all week is that we're down to only one working iPhone charger so Jason and I are constantly fighting for custody of it, and I ordered a few more but they haven't arrived yet because the next-day shipping from Amazon Prime is taking soooooo looooonnnnnng yoouuuuuuu guuuuuuuyyyyyysssssss. Yeah. Okay, self. I guess I'll just post some pictures and try to think about things that are not terrible. This week's "Are We Really Moving Or Is Jason Just Pulling An Elaborate Prank On Amy To Get Her To Clean Shit Up" project was organizing the shelves in the basement. This, believe or not, is the "AFTER" and is the result of many hours of sorting and purging and (of course) at least one overly dramatic-looking injury: Note that basement photo does include the shelves in the corners. Those are still a damn mess. But look! There's an EMPTY shelf! There's no shit piled up on the floor except... Read more →


So we are maybe starting to hypothetically think about moving. Again. Deep down, I know how this will end: We spend a few months purging and cleaning and powering through the house repair/improvement to-do list, completely exhausting ourselves, then tour a couple houses that cost a bajillion more dollars than we can afford that also need like, a roof and floors and kitchen cabinets and ERMAHGERD THERE'S UGLY WALLPAPER EVERYWHERE, and then we look at each other and decide you know what? Let's just stay put for a little while longer. But now Jason's on a new long-term project at work that has rendered our super-convenient/central location irrelevant, because he's driving for hours every day. We have new neighbors in the rental next door who are sloooooowly driving us insane in a myriad of first-world-problem ways. We still have all the same old complaints about space/privacy/townhouse living as ever, plus over the past year we've sort of fallen in love with an area further out from the city with excellent schools, lots of stuff to do, and housing prices that are not nearly so bonkerpants. So I don't know. It still all sounds entirely too ambitious/drastic for us, to actually... Read more →


Remember that time we painted a chalkboard wall in our kitchen? Remember how nice it looked at first? Yeah, me neither. From top to bottom: 1) Our grown-up behavior chart, which was abandoned (on a Wednesday, apparently) a good six months ago. 2) The ghostly remains of an Ike/Ezra behavior chart, which only tracked one behavior, which was Get Out Of Bed In The Morning And Put Clothes On Without Mom Losing Her Shit At You. There are zero stars awarded to either, so Ezra helpfully wrote "Ty" a couple times to keep us up-to-date on who was "winning." 3) A very pretty flower that I think our babysitter drew. No one in this household has those skillz. 4) I don't know who drew all those boobs around the light switch. Wasn't me. 5) Assorted scribbles and doodles. Ike says they are "battle machines." Ezra drew a "calendar" for Ike so he could assign one of the colored behavior codes they use in kindergarten. From the looks of all the pink and yellow, Ike is not having a good month. Here's the thing: Behavior charts work really, really well for my kids. Always have. We target a small handful of... Read more →