The Joys of Owning a Home You Don't Want to Own Anymore

Hi. I'm a wreck. This moving idea. It's a terrible idea. I think it might be the single worst idea we've ever come up with, and that includes the matching tattoos and that time we went to IKEA just to buy napkins. It's definitely happening though. We just need to shit to STOP BREAKING. The dishwasher managed to turn itself into a Big Whole Saga Thing, because of course it did. The hose-y part took longer to arrive then expected, and on Friday the repairman showed up and was completely unable to pull the dishwasher out, blaming the floors and countertops boxing it in too tightly. His suggestion? Just buy a whole new dishwasher and take a hacksaw to the legs of this one. I managed to not cry in front of him, settling with a long, drawn-out whispered "fuuuuuuck." Jason came home later, and five minutes later had the stupid dishwasher out. It's being repaired, finally and for real, right now. Unless I just jinxed everything by typing that sentence. (CTRL-C-ing that shit, then deleting. I will paste it back in once the repairman leaves and I can confirm that yes, it is working. SUCK IT, UNIVERSE.) (YAAAASSSSS FIXED.)... Read more →

I have no idea what to write about, because I am having troubled coming up with any string of words or letters or even basic sounds that would come close to what life is like around my house right now. This is the closest I've been able to come: GAHGAHAGHAHFOSDLHJKAWIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE (needsmoreEEEEEE)KJALZPP;A,K293,A,NA,N>>>"*@#&DKJN I should copy/paste that so I can have it handy for the next person who asks, "So how's it going?" The house is almost ready to sell. Once the dishwasher get repaired tomorrow, because OF COURSE the dishwasher choose this very moment to break. (But it's fixable! And we are getting it fixed! Have no fear, prospective homebuyers. It just needed some little hose-y part replaced and we have ordered a top-of-the-line little hose-y part and will have it professionally repaired by a licensed and bonded hose-y part expert. Spared no expense! We also refinished the deck!) In the meantime, I am literally spending hours every day handwashing a million dishes, instead of tackling the last few to-do items before we list. 1) WASH WINDOWS. 2) HIDE A SHITLOAD OF SHIT IN ATTIC. 3) VACUUM LIKE AN INSANE PERSON. 4) CHUCK ALL THE BIKES/SCOOTERS/SKATEBOARDS INTO OUR NEIGHBORS' BACKYARD, BECAUSE... Read more →

It's been one of those days/weeks when personal blogging feels especially self-absorbed. I have news coverage from South Carolina open in all my other browser tabs and then I come HERE and like...what do I even write about? The biggest problem I encountered all week is that we're down to only one working iPhone charger so Jason and I are constantly fighting for custody of it, and I ordered a few more but they haven't arrived yet because the next-day shipping from Amazon Prime is taking soooooo looooonnnnnng yoouuuuuuu guuuuuuuyyyyyysssssss. Yeah. Okay, self. I guess I'll just post some pictures and try to think about things that are not terrible. This week's "Are We Really Moving Or Is Jason Just Pulling An Elaborate Prank On Amy To Get Her To Clean Shit Up" project was organizing the shelves in the basement. This, believe or not, is the "AFTER" and is the result of many hours of sorting and purging and (of course) at least one overly dramatic-looking injury: Note that basement photo does include the shelves in the corners. Those are still a damn mess. But look! There's an EMPTY shelf! There's no shit piled up on the floor except... Read more →

So we are maybe starting to hypothetically think about moving. Again. Deep down, I know how this will end: We spend a few months purging and cleaning and powering through the house repair/improvement to-do list, completely exhausting ourselves, then tour a couple houses that cost a bajillion more dollars than we can afford that also need like, a roof and floors and kitchen cabinets and ERMAHGERD THERE'S UGLY WALLPAPER EVERYWHERE, and then we look at each other and decide you know what? Let's just stay put for a little while longer. But now Jason's on a new long-term project at work that has rendered our super-convenient/central location irrelevant, because he's driving for hours every day. We have new neighbors in the rental next door who are sloooooowly driving us insane in a myriad of first-world-problem ways. We still have all the same old complaints about space/privacy/townhouse living as ever, plus over the past year we've sort of fallen in love with an area further out from the city with excellent schools, lots of stuff to do, and housing prices that are not nearly so bonkerpants. So I don't know. It still all sounds entirely too ambitious/drastic for us, to actually... Read more →

Remember that time we painted a chalkboard wall in our kitchen? Remember how nice it looked at first? Yeah, me neither. From top to bottom: 1) Our grown-up behavior chart, which was abandoned (on a Wednesday, apparently) a good six months ago. 2) The ghostly remains of an Ike/Ezra behavior chart, which only tracked one behavior, which was Get Out Of Bed In The Morning And Put Clothes On Without Mom Losing Her Shit At You. There are zero stars awarded to either, so Ezra helpfully wrote "Ty" a couple times to keep us up-to-date on who was "winning." 3) A very pretty flower that I think our babysitter drew. No one in this household has those skillz. 4) I don't know who drew all those boobs around the light switch. Wasn't me. 5) Assorted scribbles and doodles. Ike says they are "battle machines." Ezra drew a "calendar" for Ike so he could assign one of the colored behavior codes they use in kindergarten. From the looks of all the pink and yellow, Ike is not having a good month. Here's the thing: Behavior charts work really, really well for my kids. Always have. We target a small handful of... Read more →

I don't mean to alarm anyone here, but apparently Thanksgiving is like, really super soon. I know, right? THIS IS BRAND NEW INFORMATION. EVERYBODY PANIC. But it really did JUST occur to me this morning, and yet here I sit, tappity tap tapping on the glowy Internet box instead of getting my house somewhat company acceptable or making grocery lists or reminding my husband for the millionth that it's his turn to pick up the turkey at the farm, because every year I go, I time it wrong and arrive right when the line is at its most insane. Then I typically lose five hours of my life and at least one child. (The obvious solution of buying a previously frozen turkey instead of a fresh one, however, is completely unacceptable to me and I would thank you all to shut your whore mouths about it. Let me be alone with my whining! Stop trying to solve my problems!) My house is a total disaster right now. It's clean and all, but just about every surface needs a good decluttering, and everywhere I look I see a Thing that is supposed to go Somewhere Else, but there's already Another Thing... Read more →

The time has come to bid a fond, final farewell to the beloved, fantastical, fucked-up Isle of Sodor. Our neighbors threw a party this past weekend and I met a mom who lives down the street. A mom with a little boy; a little boy who was running around with trains in both hands and determined to make every other non-train item he encountered (toy cars, carrot sticks, a dog) into choo-choos. She was very pregnant. I sensed weakness. "Sooooooooooo have you guys bought any Thomas trains for him yet?" BAM. DONE. All our trains are belong to you, now. SHUT UP AND TAKE MY TRAINS. Despite being SO SURE that investing in a bajillion miles of train track was a worthwhile plan because "every kid we have will play with them!", it didn't really work out. Ezra was only mildly interested in them, while Ike could not care less about them. He only wants to play with and watch what his big brothers are currently into, and skipped right over Thomas completely. And so our collection has been sitting in a heap while other toys and clutter piles up around them on the train table, taking up a large... Read more →

So this finally, officially happened. Friends of ours are expecting and took the crib away this weekend, which was a weird mix of "aww" and "good riddance, giant heavy-ass thing we never use anymore." We've had that crib in our house for about nine full years, and while it wasn't always in constant use for nine full years, we at least had plans in place to fill it with another baby eventually. So it stayed up and assembled the whole time. No plans. No babies. Smell ya later, crib. This isn't really an official "after" photo of Noah's tiny new room, since it only reflects what we accomplished in a single weekend, which isn't much. Wait, no: We accomplished 1) going to Ikea to purchase this bed/desk combo, 2) reveling in the fact that ALL THREE of our children are height/age eligible for the children's area, 3) getting paged back to the children's area after 10 damn minutes, 4) booking back to the children's area expecting an Ike-related potty disaster, only to be told "He's not listening. We have rules. He has to leave," and I immediately assumed "he" was "Noah" and internally debated pulling the special needs card, until... Read more →

So here's what you missed, during the Great Blog Outage of a Few Days of 2014: Me as a real-time walking exhibit of Pinterest Fail, because I decided to get obsessive over Easter eggs for some reason. Easter is not my holiday jam. I always forget about it, and when it comes on the heels of a week-long break from school I'm generally just sort of over life in general. My own mom used to go All Out for Easter — baskets were like a mini-Christmas morning! there was a cake shaped like a bunny and a big fancy meal and candy freaking everywhere omg candy candy candy! — so I'm not sure what happened. I suck at it. (Maybe because my love of holidays now is firmly carb- and entree-driven and I'm just not really that into ham.) Before spring break, Ezra's preschool class dyed Easter eggs, once again reminding me that my kids' teachers have so much more energy and patience than I do, because I cannot even remember the last time we dyed eggs: I buy the plastic kind and fill 'em with whatever bagged candy is on sale. (Though to be fair, this is Ezra's teacher's... Read more →

Ceiba has decided that she will no longer eat Floor Cheerios. This is a real problem, actually. This is the equivalent to a Roomba suddenly deciding that it will only vacuum up certain kinds of dust bunnies, and deliberately navigating itself around the other kind. This basically goes against her understood Prime Directive as a dog in a house with small children: Help me keep my damn floors clean. She's done an excellent job, historically. Every time we travel without her I invariably have a moment of profound befuddlement after our first meal, as I survey the mess under the high chair or table, wondering who the hell is supposed to clean that up? And then: Oh. Right. We're roughing it! How primitive! But now, she will not touch the Cheerios. Or the Trader Joes' Os. Or the Generic Big Ass Bag o' Osie Os. Honey nut, multi grain, whatever. If it is some kind of grain-based o-shaped cereal she will sniff dismissively before ignoring it completely. What else you got? I'm really more in the mood for something bacon-y. Or perhaps a nice raw-chicken-tainted paper towel from the garbage? (Meanwhile, one time I spilled an entire cup of flour... Read more →