Because the world should stop, just for a moment or two

I've been working on a post all day. A sentence here, a sentence there, half a sentence interrupted by someone who needs something and the perfect punchline ruined by an inexplicably truncated nap and whoo boy, I would probably make one hell of a prolific mommyblogger if it weren't for all these damn meddling KIDS. But. Then. I cannot stop thinking about baby Maddie and now, oh no, not more, not again, baby Thalon and my hands pull away from the keyboard and wrap themselves around my baby's fat little body instead, my strong, solid, healthy little boy who is drooling all over my arm -- he of course prefers my arm over the dozens of toys and rattles and lovies I've tried to tempt with today -- and I try not to imagine all the ways things can all fall apart, all the unhappy endings and missed miracles and the idea that your own heart will just stupidly KEEP BEATING even after your baby's stops and OH YEAH, let me get right back to working on a post about some dumb thing I said or did because oh, that Amalah! What has she gotten herself into now? It feels... Read more →

Oh, Hi, Afternoon Nap Just Imploded

Seriously, when you find yourself changing sheets and locking doors and confiscating various toys o' hopped-up stimulation for one kid while trapped in an endless nursing/crib/cry/nursing/crib/cry cycle with the other, eventually you need to come to terms with the fact that: 1) there is not going to be any afternoon free time during which you may flee to the computer and write about your feeeeeeeeeeelings on your blog, and... 2) as soon as you hear your husband's key in the lock you can open a beer without the whole "drinking alone and in front of the children" thing and COME ON KEY SOUNDS DON'T LET ME DOWN. Happy Friday, bitches. Here's a photo of my baby mid-crazy-bounce in his jumper thing, complete with mid-crazy-bounce eyes. Hey cool! My mama drinks out of BPA-free bottles too! In other news that I can type really fast without my brain needing to get involved: a long, long time ago it was decided that I would continue the Zero to Forty pregnancy thingie over at Alpha Mom, in the form of a postpartum guide, just "as soon as [I] settle in and get [my] act together with the two babies thing." I have not... Read more →

Asterisk, Asterisk, Asterisk

For the past three days I've been secretly dying -- quietly, and with dignity, and lots of moaning -- from what I was sure was cancer of the face bones. The pain started on the left side of my face, right above my teeth, coursing through my cheek and nose and temple and ear. It didn't particularly hurt when I bit down, there was no swelling or redness in my teeth, yet the pain would not go away with regular old Tylenol so therefore: CANCER. (Was someone saying something about drama queening? What? Me?) Okay, so I didn't actually think I was actually dying. Maybe for five or 10 minutes, tops. With two of those minutes happening sometime after 3 am, and who DOESN'T occasionally lie awake in bed in the middle of the night and diagnose themselves with cancers of various kinds, I ASK YOU. Therefore, those particular minutes do not count. I was far more terrified of the prospect that there was something wrong with my teeth, something that would require a trip to the dentist and horrible invasive procedures involving pointy metal things. So instead of calling the dentist I simply brushed and flossed and used a... Read more →

Results of the Totally Not Really a Contest Fake Contest

So, because all these goddamn unicorns keep shitting on the floor and eating the drapes, Danielle, Chad, Cara, Baileyswedishfish, Dona, SueBee AND Jessi all win. I figured I didn't actually need to say anything, since everybody just stares at the baby photos anyway, and the captions could announce my intention to run for governor of the Outer Spacian Hinterlands of Pluto and the comments would still mostly be about nomming on Ezra's cheeks. And of course, I do not blame you. He is incredibly nommable, and I haven't had anything original to say since 1992. Honorable mentions go to Kim and die Frau for trying to find something noble in my intentions (i.e., focusing on my beautiful babies' smiles instead of being all neurotic and hand-wringy). You both win leprechauns. (Speaking of hand-wringy, how awesome is it that right after I'm all, "my kid's expensive private preschool kicked him out of SOCCER!!!11!", I read this post at Sweet Juniper about the Detroit Public Schools failing children in a very profound and fundamental way, on a massive scale, and it makes me twitchy and angry and heartsick and grateful, and if you haven't read it [and the postscript] you should. It... Read more →

Contractually Obligated Shmushy Face

A NAP? TAKE A NAP YOU SAY? YOU SHOCK AND APPALL ME, MADAM. (Two new posts over at the Luvs site: Save It For the Internet, Lady and Things I Did Instead Of Writing Helpful Time-Saving Tips For You This Week.) (By the way, I really want to thank everybody who has clicked over and/or left a comment on my stuff over there. You've helped me earn a few more much-needed dollars. I'm also going to be doing some additional writing for Zero to Forty soon, which was by far the Most Fun Writing Gig Ever. And perhaps now it will be even more fun -- writing about pregnancy without, you know, having to actually be pregnant. WIN!) (And yes, I totally appreciate the irony of me coming here to post about how I don't actually have time to post here but look! Here's stuff I wrote for money. Delicious leafy money. I would like to eat it with some croutons and shaved Parmesan cheese.) (Here. Because I feel guilty now for being such a sell-out and all, I give you this unflattering photo of me, unshowered and completely free of makeup, sporting a big hickey on my cheek, courtesy... Read more →

I Know

Look, I just...I KNOW, okay? I've been trying to write -- really, really trying -- but my baby has suddenly decided that sitting still is completely unacceptable. We must walk! Pace! Go places! Walk over there! Now walk back again! Show me things! I want to see windows and ceiling fans and interestingly pointy potted plants! Have you not seen those diaper commercials? I AM NOT A BRICK, I AM A HUMAN BEING. NUTURE MY INTELLECT, BOOB LADY. Speaking of diapers (hey! what?), I do have new posts up at the Luvs site. I've pretty much given up on the true "time-and-money-saving tips" theme and am now hoping to educate by examples of what NOT to do, unless you want the simplest task to end in disaster. It's the Amalah Way! Recent disasters include gift wrapping and creating an art gallery for Noah's preschool projects. Honestly, I'm amazed I can manage to walk upright most of the time. Anyway, I shall keep trying to figure out how to type while doing the baby-pace-and-butt-tap dance and will post again very soon. Hopefully this afternoon. I've got Big Ideas involving my kitchen counters and a figure-eight walking path. (Seriously. Even in the... Read more →

The Tuesday Redirect

So my maternity leave officially ends this week, all around. Just in time for all our family to depart and for me to suddenly be thrust into solo double-hammer-time parenting for the very first time. Not really sure which rocket scientist worked THAT schedule out. Oh, wait, it was me. Right. Okay. *wanders off stage right, audience hears muffled cries of "STUPID, STUPID" and some head-slapping sound effects* Ahem. Anyway! I'm back at the Advice Smackdown (thanks to Sarah of Whoorl and Kelly of Mocha Momma for filling in the last couple guest-author spots), although I admit I'll be cheating a bit longer by only answering easy questions. So those of you who have submitted questions that require actual brain power and thinking, just hold onto your horses there, missy. I'd say it'll be at least mid-December before my mind catches up to my typing fingers. In the meantime, mush and nonsense, ahoy! Baby sucking on Daddy's pinkie finger = mush. Baby wearing floppy-eared puppy booties = nonsense And on that note, this week's Time & Money-Saving Tip is up at the Luvs MomSpeak site. It's about pee-pee. Yes, it is. I'm certainly not expecting another 136 comments on... Read more →

Housekeeping Not Involving My House

Honestly, I could do an entire photo essay about nothing more than the various large, gaping holes in my walls and ceilings at this point. There are at least seven of them, and I am getting better at ignoring them every day. It's like hands-free breastfeeding. It just takes practice. Anyway. Website housekeeping! Exactly the kind of post everybody hates, but please. I just had a baby. I bought clothes and diapers for a linebacker and gave birth to a peanut. I thought the two Miracle Blankets we received as gifts (thank you Michael and Amy!!) would be enough but now! I know! You can never have enough Miracle Blankets! Miracle Blankets are a gift from God himself! The gift of sleep and silence and showers -- all in a miraculous blanket form! I came into the bedroom this morning to find the dog sleeping on our LAST! CLEAN! MIRACLE BLANKET! and I nearly killed her right then and there, but then I remembered that Ezra is our second child, and that I could maybe use the lint roller on the blanket instead of rewashing it, but then I couldn't find the lint roller and just sort of shook it... Read more →

With Friends Like These

Let me tell you something about Sweetney. Okay, a few things. You know how I am. Internet friendships get a bad rap sometimes. They burn fast and bright, but are ultimately, kind of disposable, if you want them to be. Someone can be your bestest friend that you've ever bested one day -- and then suddenly it's been six months since you emailed them and Jesus, you can't just email them NOW because what are you going to say you've been DOING for the past six months? They read your blog. They know your email has probably been working at least 50% of that time and YOU SPECIFICALLY TWITTERED THAT YOU WERE DOING EXACTLY DIDDLY SQUAT ON MULTIPLE OCCASIONS so you can't even be like, "Oh, GEE, I've just been so busy! What with! And the...thing. With the place." And it's not like you're mad at them or stopped caring or reading their blog or's just flat-out easier to neglect friendships based around the Verdana typeface. Particularly if you have the attention span of a gnat. ...look! I bought a new fruit basket at Target. It's just like the other fruit basket we have, except oval instead of... Read more →


Internet: 1 Amy: 0 I am now "tweeting" to my "tweeps" on this thing called "twitter" and jesus ham god in a blanket, I want to punch myself in the face. Feel free to now abandon twitter en masse for shark-jumping, oh-my-god-it's-so-two-weeks-ago reasons. Or let me bug you via "cellular phone" with important updates like NOAH, WE HAD FROZEN PANCAKES I MADE IN THE TOASTER FOR BREAKFAST, YOU MUST EAT SOMETHING APPROPRIATE LIKE FROZEN PIZZA I MADE IN THE TOASTER FOR LUNCH. (Shit! 158 characters! How do you people stay so concise? Does this mean I may have to start breaking my thoughts up into [HORRORS!!] separate sentences? Like with [GASP!!] periods and shit?) (Oh my God, WHAT HAVE I DONE?) Read more →