Question: Have you ever gotten to a point where you are so thoroughly stressed out that you wake up every morning covered in a rash? And then you become convinced that the rash is from bedbugs, but bedbugs that exist ONLY on your side of the bed and ONLY bite you, and then you get even more stressed out and stop sleeping because GAAAAHHHH bedbugs and also persistent, recurring anxiety dreams. And then during the day you're basically a sleep-deprived anxiety zombie whose hands shake uncontrollably every time you think about all the things that are making you feel so overwhelmed, to the point that you can barely even type or hold a pen or apply topical ointment to your super-attractive stress rash? Yeah, me neither. (But I can confirm that no, we most definitely do not have bedbugs. So that's a plus.) Anyway. Changes afoot, big decisions to ponder. Necessary and positive changes, obviously, to address everything going on in that first big run-sentence-laden paragraph up there. I'm still trying to decide what and and when to get into specifics, though, and I'm sorry about that. (No, not pregnant. No, not divorcing. No, not signing up for fucking Pinterest... Read more →

Happy New Year From the Village Idiots

We stayed home on New Year's Eve. Grilled up some steaks, made some baller sweet potatoes, sent the kids to bed at the usual hour, settled down on the couch to watch a movie, be exceedingly boring, etc. After blowing through enough wine and cocktails to bring down an elephant on a metal band's tour bus, we decided to switch to bubbly for the big countdown moment. Jason opted to amp the excitement up even further with a champagne-bottle sabering demonstration. It was very important to him that I record this moment. (Language NSFW. We talk like I write! HAPPY 2015 MOTHERFUCKERS!) Read more →

Oh yeah, look at me, blogging SO MUCH MORE, just like I promised. I am nothing if not hella consistent with being a huge goddamn flake. Anyway, here are some things that happened: 1) Jason indeed got snipped. He has offered to write a guest post about the experience, and I have accepted that offer, provided I am allowed to interrupt his entry with a lot of Parenthetical Editorial Comments. Please to expect follow-through on this idea at some point in late 2016. 2) While that procedure was literally in progress, I went and met my friend's brand-new baby boy. I held him, smelled his head, and even changed an up-the-back poop diaper like an old pro. Then I handed him back to his parents and drove home, possibly while singing DAMN IT FEELS GOOD TO BE A GANGSTA because nope, never again, not happening. 3) And oh. Right. Christmas. Childhood magic and joy and wonder and beef bourguignon. And holiday headlocks in matching candy cane jammies. 4) My recovery from the surgery continues. 4a) Incisions are all scabbed over and incredibly gnarly looking, so vanity is not at a high point right now, just yet. I've been taking pictures... Read more →

We took the boys to a Christmas tree farm this weekend. We came home with a very beautiful tree, a bag of kettle corn, and a gigantic sticky puddle of spilled hot chocolate all over the minivan. Have you ever gone on a family outing, taken a ton of pictures and then realized — once you were home — that basically every photo you took is an outtake, with somebody being a weirdo in every single shot? Just me? Okay then. Cheesy Facehole Board, Attempt #1: From L to R: Ezra's making a pirate face, Noah's eyes are closed, my hulking shadow is distracting, and Ike is... Oh, Ike is just LOVING this. Cheesy Facehole Board, Attempt #2: This time we have Suspicious Side Eye, Squinty Scrunch Face and Kid Who Smells Something Terrible. Cheesy Facehole Board, Attempt #3: I don't even know what's going on with Ike's face in this one. Either the sun was in his eyes or this is honestly what he thinks counts as a "smile" these days: Cheesy Facehole Board, Attempt #4: Ezra has now graduated to talking like a pirate, Noah is about to mime projectile vomiting because that's never NOT funny, and I... Read more →

Jason and I got tattoos yesterday. Match-y ones. Romantic, mushy, sentimental ones. Aren't we cute when we think we're still kinda cool and not just super lame and old? This is a Celtic symbol for new beginnings. Which I guess is kind of funny, since we've been together for so long, and plan to be together for much, much longer. We're not starting anything "over," we're not overcoming a rough patch or anything dramatic like that. This is more about What's Next. We're done having babies and our family is complete. It took us awhile to really feel at peace with that choice, but once we embraced it, the What's Next took a clearer shape. And so far, it's awesome. We're done making excuses as to why we can't eat right/lose weight/get healthy. We're done taking each other for granted in that sneaky, benign way that creeps up on you when you stop paying attention. We're done just being Mom and Dad, sitting on the couch watching TV while discussing the grocery list. We're still Amy and Jason. We're still up for new things, new adventures. And goddamn, we're still so stupid in love with each other. We've had the... Read more →

Halloween was such a non-event this year it hardly seems worth mentioning. Except know...Halloween was such a non-event this year. Noah decided a couple months ago that he wanted to be a Ninja Turtle. He didn't know which one, and lately being asked to make a choice between several options or to pick a "favorite" really stresses him out, so we randomly picked Raphael for him. And Leonardo for Ike by mistake; he asked for Michaelangelo but I screwed it up and bought the wrong one. (I am getting really terrible at this stuff; a selective form of toy-and-cartoon-related dementia, or just a willful ignorance to hand over my remaining precious brainspace to the names and rich cross-merchandizing backstories of loud and obnoxious cartoon characters. Meanwhile my children want to talk about absolutely nothing else besides Teenage Transforming Mutant Ninja Angry Birds. Or something. I dunno. I'm rereading The Hunger Games, get off my lawn/battle arena.) Noah and Ike were thrilled with their costumes, at least, and Noah was especially comfortable wearing his and pretending to actually BE Raphael. Still not a big fan of Halloween decorations, either on houses or in stores, but considering the nearby mall hauled... Read more →

Here's a tricky bit of pregnancy math: Of all three pregnancies, I gained the least weight with Ike. Mostly thanks to the fact that I spent at least six months of the pregnancy actively barfing, and felt nauseous for all nine. I think the final weigh-in clocked my total gain at like, 10 or 12 pounds. Seven pounds of which were the actual baby, so I felt pretty confident that I'd be back to my pre-pregnancy weight in no time. Three years later, I'm still not there. Those 10 or 12 pounds just...stayed, even after the baby and all his baby-related accessories had vacated. And then those 10 or 12 pounds became 15. This past winter, it was more like 20. I stopped weighing myself after that. And if we were talking about my weight pre-Noah, well. OMG. Three years later, it finally occurred to me that oh. This is going to keep on...going up, like that, if I don' something? About it? I guess? Well, okay. It had technically occurred to me that I needed to do something before now, but the whole actually doing something never quite got off the ground too successfully. I'd make some big grand... Read more →

Back in May, we had another lovely family photo session with the lovely Wendy of Blue Lily Photography. Our shoot was in Rock Creek Park in the early evening, so we decided to head into the city a little early and get dinner at our favorite pizza spot. We all got dressed up, spruced up, and made it to the restaurant just in time to beat the dinner rush and snag a big table in the back. As soon as we sat down, I surveyed my dapperly dressed offspring and was like, oh, shit. I'd had them all wear their nice collared shirts to dinner, and I'd brought zero back-up outfits in case of a spill or other disaster. And by "disaster," I mean "thing that basically happens every single meal of our lives, and is as predictable as the moon and the stars and U R AN IDIOT, AMY." My children — Ezra and Ike in particular — rarely leave the dinner table looking like they need anything short of a good hosing off, or a go through the nearest carwash. They are messy, klutzy, dribbly eaters. Sure, the shirts were all just random things I'd grabbed at Old... Read more →

I am having some technical difficulties today. Said difficulties involve my scanner being a punk-ass little bitch who won't scan for shit. Technically speaking, of course. Sorry if that went over anybody's head. I've decided that I can fix the scanner by acting like I don't actually need to scan anything for my blog post today. (WHISPER SPEAK: Even though for my original idea, I totally did, dammit.) I am resorting to employing reverse psychology with a hunk of office equipment because I've already tried unplugging it and turning it back on and that didn't work. So mind games it is! I bet you're sorry now, scanner. Of course, this leaves me with not a whole hell of a lot to talk about. Um. Ezra broke a lamp in the living room and so we went to Ikea to buy a new lamp for the living room? But the kids' play area was closed for renovation just in time for Ike to be potty trained and possibly tall enough (if you count his hairz; I was hoping to talk them into counting his hairz) to join his brothers in the play area? And so what we thought was going to... Read more →


I left for California on Thursday, by the way, although it hardly seems worth mentioning, since I'm back already. I spent about 36 hours in San Diego; it rained for approximately 34 of them; I left my hotel room maybe three whole times. One of those times was to speak to a room of about 50 pregnant or breastfeeding moms about the current state of mommyblogging, during which I am sure I came across as some kind of dinosaur, smacking my gums together while talking about Teh Olde Days, back before ads or sponsored posts or Twitter or Instagram or Amazon drones or whatnot. IN MY DAY, WE DIDN'T EVEN CALL THEM BLOGS. WE WROTE IN OUR ONLINE JOURNALS. SOMETIMES WE POSTED WISH LISTS AND SENT EACH OTHER BOOKS. BOOKS THAT WERE MADE OF PAPER, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE. About 15 minutes before I was scheduled to speak, I got a text from Jason: shit Noah had a half day This was...not news to me. This was...not supposed to be news to Jason, either, as we'd had several discussions about the day's logistics before I left. I texted back. Yes? Why? There was no response, which was not exactly reassuring, especially... Read more →