So we need to talk about Max. He turned 17 in October, and while we've been saying things like "if he's still here in a year we'll be incredibly lucky" for...well, several years now, there's no denying his age-related decline has officially accelerated over the past couple months. He is moving slower, and less. His appetite is unpredictable and oh my lands, he's just so tiny and frail and...old. The weight loss is the worst. He once topped the scales at a whopping 15 pounds of mostly muscle. He now weighs barely 7. He is skin and fur and bones. Holding him feels like holding a fragile and weirdly elongated kitten. The thing is, he's not sick. Or in any pain or discomfort (other than your typical age-related complaints, like stiff joints, fading eyesight/hearing, and a highly delicate digestive system). I mean, I'm sure if I took him to the vet and had them run a bunch of tests that they'd find SOMETHING, but...well, this probably sounds horrible but I don't want to put him through any of that. I don't even want to put him through the ride in the car. (He gets easily stressed and violently carsick.) And... Read more →


We have (some) cabinets! That was as of last night, actually. By the time I left to take Ike to school we already had a few more, and the foyer looked like it was getting the final prep for tile. IT'S ALL HAPPENING. It turns out getting your kitchen remodeled is a bit like being pregnant. "How long will it take?" is the new "So what's your birth plan?" and then everybody really just wants to talk about how they were in labor for 175 hours before an unmedicated breech birth and also THEIR kitchen remodel started five years ago and STILL isn't done, so ha ha good luck with your "two to three weeks" and also your vaginal delivery. So far, so good, is all I can and will say. It probably helps that we're not doing any major structural changes, and also that the house isn't that old so we're free of the "WHOOPS THAT'S A LOAD BEARING WALL THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT BEARING THE LOAD" snafus you get with older (or previously remodeled but maaaaybe not done very well) houses. (Our old condo in the city was built as a dormitory for war workers in the... Read more →


This post is sponsored by Adams™ Flea & Tick Control Products THINGS CEIBA NO LIKE: 1) MAILMAN 2) FOOD THAT IS NOT WAFFLES 3) CHILDREN WHO NO SHARE WAFFLES 4) WHEN CAT STEALS BEST SUNBEAM SPOT 5) FLEAS AND TICKS Things Max is not particularly a fan of: 1) Online meme-y catspeak that really demeans us all, if you think about it 2) Not being fed right this second 3) Or this second 4) Dog getting up in his face while he’s just trying to chill in a sunbeam 5) Fleas and ticks I remain neutral on the great sunbeam turf war but at least I’ve got them thoroughly covered on number 5, thanks to Adams™ Flea & Tick Control Products. Oh yeah. IT’S ON. While I can’t think of ANYTHING that ISN’T terrible about a flea infestation, I will say the WORST part is the re-infestation, right when you think you’ve got the situation under control. Or noticing the OTHER pet, who was just fine the first million times you checked, suddenly scratching like crazy. COME ON. We’ve been really pretty fortunate that our pets have stayed mostly pest-free, but I like to think it’s because we’re not idiots... Read more →


Some work-from-home days are more amusing than others. My home office is a goddamned disgrace right now, completely cluttered and messy and disorganized, and naturally my solution is to simply ignore the problem and work somewhere else, like at the kitchen counter. I'm sharing my workspace with a few stray Bioncles and breakfast crumbs, but overall it's a much more soothing environment. Of course, working in the kitchen means my brain is only a few feet from the refrigerator and it KNOWS it, so I didn't make it very long before the snack cravings took over. I decided to have a slice of BBQ chicken lunch meat, because lean protein and portion control and the five pounds my ass managed to gain in Vermont. Then I went to the bathroom. (Okay wow sorry I thought this story would be funny but my god it's taking forever and is full of boring build-up details like and then I went to the bathroom.) When I came back, Max was on the kitchen counter, chowing down on the lunch meat. He looked at me and went calmly back to eating. About a minute later he batted the empty bag onto the floor. And... Read more →


Would you like to know how to get lipstick off of a cat? Blue Dawn. Blue Dawn is how to get lipstick off of a cat. how to get lipstick off of a cat blue Dawn is how to get lipstick off of a cat fuck yeah keywords blue Dawn gets lipstick off cats get lipstick off of a cat with blue Dawn I'm pretty sure this isn't how SEO works anymore Amy how to get lipstick off of a cat blue Dawn there's no stopping me now because I know how to get lipstick off of a cat you know how BLUE DAWN that's how do I think there's super heavy search engine competition for "how to get lipstick off of a cat" or something (FYI blue Dawn in how you get lipstick off of a cat) no I just want to help anyone else who needs to get lipstick off of a cat because apparently getting lipstick on a cat is a thing that can happen in your life and you just need the Internet to tell you that blue Dawn is how you get lipstick off of a cat blue Dawn cat blue Dawn lipstick blue Dawn... Read more →


Ugh. What an awful week. Way to go, 2015. Way to go. I feel stupid even telling this story right now, but since I don't think there will be an Official Moment When It's Okay To Blog About The Time My Child Painted Our Cat With The Contents Of My Makeup Bag, let's just get throw this crap out there like a shiny, distracting set of jangly keys. So. Tuesday. It was a snow day around here, and a long-ass one at that. Jason and I were in the kitchen making dinner. We'd already blown through our Blue Apron meals for the week and had to fend for ourselves with the menu-planning, which predictably led to us choosing and committing to a delicious-looking chicken recipe while completely missing that it involved an HOUR and FORTY-FIVE MINUTES of active cooking time. The boys were all in the foyer, building a giant amusement park out of Duplo blocks. Because of course they were. Because the bin of Duplo blocks was only IN the foyer in the first place because I'd promised it to a friend with younger toddlers. Because my children hadn't even opened it in a good six months. They'll never... Read more →


This post is sponsored by Fancy Feast® Broths. This post is also going to talk about cat barf. Like a lot. Sorrynotsorry. Maximillian Thunderdome will be celebrating his 16th birthday this year. 16 years of being RIGHT HERE, directly underfoot, begging for food. Food that — in most cases — would not agree with his system, and would promptly get regurgitated all over the throw rug. Or the bathroom floor. Or our bed. My office chair, a pile of laundry, you name it, this cat has barfed on it. After a ton of trial-and-error, we eventually figured out a diet and feeding schedule that works — wet food ONLY, fed in small, dainty portions spaced out five to six times a day. Ceiba now must be fed outside, and outside ONLY, lest Max gain access to her kibble and wreak havoc on his digestion, because he has not a single lick of sense. No treats whatsoever, and definitely nothing special, like licking a mostly-empty tuna fish can. It's really pretty sad. Food is like, all this poor guy has** and we have to micromanage all the fun out of it. And don't even get me started on how skinny he... Read more →


Okay. So yeah. This probably looks kinda bad. Like he's got the poor cat in a chokehold. Like the poor cat can't wait to get away from this grabby lunatic. In reality, Max is just getting all the love he can get before Ike gets distracted by something else. And even then he's like, "It's okay. I'll just wait here. I love you too, Kid." DISCLOSURE: This all happened on Wednesday. So here is what is happening right now, in real time: sup ladiez. im snuggly and awesome. Read more →


Ceiba has requested an opportunity to respond to yesterday's post. GURL, CRY ME A FREAKING WATER DISH. U HAZ NO IDEA THE WEEK I HAZD. WHEN I WAS INSIDE I WANTED OUTSIDE. ONCE I GOT OUTSIDE I NO LONGER WANTED TO BE OUTSIDE AND YET I REMAINED OUTSIDE AND IT WAS AWFUL. SAME DEAL WITH UR BEDROOM DOOR, GURL. WHY U CLOSE IT? GOOD NEWS IS I HAZ ALMOST FINISHED SCRATCHING OFF ALL THAT NEW PAINT U PUT ON IT. UR WELCOME. I REMAIN UNABLE TO STOP THE MADDENING FLOW OF MAIL NO MATTER HOW MUCH I FEROCIOUSLY BARK LIKE FEROCIOUS DESTROYER OF MAIL. YEARS, I HAVE BEEN AT THIS. SO MANY FUTILE, WASTED YEARS. AM GREY FROM STRESS OF IT ALL. TELL THE MEDIUM ONE THANX FOR BRUSHING ME WITH THE WOODCHIP, THO. WAS WEIRD BUT ALSO KINDA WORKED AND I DUG IT. THAT ONE OKAY IN MY BOOK. WE PALZ AND SHIT. BUT BACK TO MY PROBLEMZ. 1. WHEN U GUYZ MADE MEATBALLS THE SMALL ONE ONLY FED ME TWO MEATBALLS. OUTRAGE. 2. I AM REALLY TIRED OF CHEERIOS. TELL CHILDREN TO DROP SUMTHING DIFFERENT. 3. BTW STOP CALLING ME 'ROOMBA' THAT JOKE STOPPED BEING FUNNY 40 HUNDRED... Read more →


God, even *I* can't handle that last post anymore. Subject change! Subject change! I'm fine I'm fine I'm fine hand flaps hand flaps deflecting humor GAH. Moving right along. Some of you may be interested in hearing that yes, I still do have a cat. And he is still as delightfully, clichedly cat-like as ever. He will not hunt mice or stink bugs or crickets, but goddamn it, those motherfucking blind cords are gonna get themselves a vicious mauling and shredding. YOU SHALL NOT MENACE MY FAMILY, BLIND CORDS. He's 14 now, which: Not a fan of thinking about that. His stomach is a lot more sensitive and he's gone from being a solid muscular tank of a cat to one who is...thin. Lightweight. More delicate and bony. He's old, basically. But still happy and cuddly and enjoying his life of non-stop leisure mixed with fresh sink water, uppity fancy canned food and the occasional catnip high. He remains unfailingly patient with the children, especially Ike. (Who calls him "Cah." Usually moments before hurling his body over Poor Cah and grabbing fistfuls of fur.) He will seek out Noah and Ezra for more appropriate levels of affection, and will happily... Read more →