It's been one of those days/weeks when personal blogging feels especially self-absorbed. I have news coverage from South Carolina open in all my other browser tabs and then I come HERE and like...what do I even write about? The biggest problem I encountered all week is that we're down to only one working iPhone charger so Jason and I are constantly fighting for custody of it, and I ordered a few more but they haven't arrived yet because the next-day shipping from Amazon Prime is taking soooooo looooonnnnnng yoouuuuuuu guuuuuuuyyyyyysssssss. Yeah. Okay, self. I guess I'll just post some pictures and try to think about things that are not terrible. This week's "Are We Really Moving Or Is Jason Just Pulling An Elaborate Prank On Amy To Get Her To Clean Shit Up" project was organizing the shelves in the basement. This, believe or not, is the "AFTER" and is the result of many hours of sorting and purging and (of course) at least one overly dramatic-looking injury: Note that basement photo does include the shelves in the corners. Those are still a damn mess. But look! There's an EMPTY shelf! There's no shit piled up on the floor except... Read more →


Last night, after dinner but before Game of Thrones straight-up murdered my soul, I asked the boys to stand together for a photo. I really don't know what I was expecting. Other than a perfectly accurate picture of what life is like around these three. Which is exactly what I got. Ike looks to Ezra... Ezra looks to Noah... Noah does his own thing and does not care if anyone can see him... And Ike needs a haircut. Just another typical night in the Storch household. Noah and Ezra will be home from school in approximately 45 minutes, and then shit will get real. I'm just glad they like each other. For now, anyway. Read more →


The first great crisis of Spring Break 2015 is here and happening, and has the ranks thoroughly divided. A single Lego minifigure is missing. It is apparently a VERY IMPORTANT minifigure, because its status as lost has rendered Noah's entire Hero Factory collection useless, because he cannot play Hero Factory without this minifigure. They have told me this minifigure's name 14 billion times, but I still have no idea who or what they are talking about. I think it's red? According to Noah, the minifigure was last seen in Ike's possession. Ike maintains that he put it back in Noah's room where it belongs. Again, according to Noah, this is a damned dirty lie because he's looked "everywhere" in his room and it's not there. I remain neutral, because I'm pretty sure looking "everywhere" involved little more than standing in the center of the room and sort of idly glancing around, the way he also looks "everywhere" for his shoes, which are typically three feet away and in his direct line of sight. And yet also nowhere to be found! Strange, that. After more fruitless searching (at one point they attempted to use Ike like a search dog, making him... Read more →


I was out with Noah on Saturday morning when someone asked him if he was excited for Easter. Oh. Right! That. Uhh. (Geez, Easter Bunny. Get your shit together.) A quick trip to Target for some books and candy later, we were officially ready to half-ass this holiday. I don't think anybody minded. (And yes, I'm aware they all need haircuts. That was the original Saturday afternoon plan that got bumped for Easter shopping. Because I can only accomplish one thing a day because I AM NOT A TIME MANAGEMENT WIZARD.) (Nice bedroom slippers, Amy. Thanks for dressing up for the occasion.) ALSO, IMPORTANT TRUTHER MOMENT. If you follow my husband on Facebook/Instagram, you may notice that, despite regularly posting photos of/from our back deck, SOMETHING IS CONSISTENTLY MISSING: Yes. Good work on the container garden, husband! Looks really nice and organized. Shame I have access to your camera roll online though. NICE TRY WITH UR LIES. Starting to wonder, though: Are we really watching the tire, or is the tire watching us? This has been TIREWATCH 2015: THE TIREWATCHENING, brought to you by your friendly neighborhood assholes who didn't even bother dyeing real Easter eggs this year and who... Read more →


Noah spotted the photo on my computer screen immediately. Of the dozen or so colorful Windows live tiles cheerfully flipping around with updates, he zeroed right in on that one in particular. “Spock!” he shouted. He spotted the headline a few seconds later, before I even had a chance to even finish my internal groan of “ohhhhh nooooo.” “He died? Spock died?” His voice dropped at least eight volume levels, and his always amped-up body froze. There was no way or reason to sugarcoat it, so I explained that yes, the actor who played Spock had died earlier that day. This month marks the four year anniversary of my dad’s death. It really doesn’t feel like that much time has passed, and yet when I do the math and realize that Noah was only five years old when he lost his Pop Pop, it feels like an eternity. He was a baby! Noah remembers, and will talk very objectively and matter-of-fact about it, which is a nice way of way of saying that yeah, My Quirky Kid Is Quirky and doesn’t always phrase things in the most sensitive manner. “Your dad died. It’s too bad you don’t have a dad... Read more →


Whoa. What happened there? Days turned into weeks and now it's February and even my family members are texting me now like, "Uh. You alive? Everything cool?" I was in Florida this week for work, a long series of 17-hour days and no free time and the best part is that I get to do it AGAIN next week, to a different part of Florida. This week was Orlando. I brought the kids some free maps of Legoland and Harry Potter World from my hotel as souvenirs, because I am an amazing parent who never leaves room in her suitcase to bring them back anything good and/or wildly overpriced. (Except for YAAASSSSSSSS more Hyatt soaps. Although this week the maid figured out my hoarding game and cut me off after two soaps. Dammit.) Within an hour of arriving at my hotel, I watched a guy trying to flirt with the concierge, who apparently is attending college for healthcare management. He wished her luck in a tough field, then walked away, but stopped to bellow "BECAUSE OBAMACARE" at me and my slightly startled (and non-eavesdropping) coworkers. "BECAUSE OBAMACARE" became one of many team refrains for the week and our go-to excuse... Read more →


Oh yeah, look at me, blogging SO MUCH MORE, just like I promised. I am nothing if not hella consistent with being a huge goddamn flake. Anyway, here are some things that happened: 1) Jason indeed got snipped. He has offered to write a guest post about the experience, and I have accepted that offer, provided I am allowed to interrupt his entry with a lot of Parenthetical Editorial Comments. Please to expect follow-through on this idea at some point in late 2016. 2) While that procedure was literally in progress, I went and met my friend's brand-new baby boy. I held him, smelled his head, and even changed an up-the-back poop diaper like an old pro. Then I handed him back to his parents and drove home, possibly while singing DAMN IT FEELS GOOD TO BE A GANGSTA because nope, never again, not happening. 3) And oh. Right. Christmas. Childhood magic and joy and wonder and beef bourguignon. And holiday headlocks in matching candy cane jammies. 4) My recovery from the surgery continues. 4a) Incisions are all scabbed over and incredibly gnarly looking, so vanity is not at a high point right now, just yet. I've been taking pictures... Read more →


Due to my delicate condition, I outsourced the yearly trek out for the Mall Santa photo to my husband and mother-in-law last week. I shuffled around semi-usefully just long enough to get the boys in sweaters — as "sweaters" are about as close as we get to "dress clothes" around here, since collared shirts require ironing (fuck dat), and everything else they own proudly features a) a garishly colored, licensed cartoon character on it, b) some sort of orange-y red Mystery Stain, or c) both. So! Sweaters for everybody! Or...wait...unless... Crap, does everybody even own a sweater at this point? Turns out, they do! I was amazed. They all even seemed pleasantly coordinated, which...huh. A few minutes after they walked out the door, I realized that I'd just sent at least two children out wearing the same sweaters they wore in last year's Mall Santa picture, because that's the last time I gave a crap about sweaters. Note that I possibly bought them those sweaters while they waited in line with their father, ripping tags off and shoving them over their heads while all around us, families arrived with children in velvet dresses and sport coats and tiny babies in... Read more →


We took the boys to a Christmas tree farm this weekend. We came home with a very beautiful tree, a bag of kettle corn, and a gigantic sticky puddle of spilled hot chocolate all over the minivan. Have you ever gone on a family outing, taken a ton of pictures and then realized — once you were home — that basically every photo you took is an outtake, with somebody being a weirdo in every single shot? Just me? Okay then. Cheesy Facehole Board, Attempt #1: From L to R: Ezra's making a pirate face, Noah's eyes are closed, my hulking shadow is distracting, and Ike is... Oh, Ike is just LOVING this. Cheesy Facehole Board, Attempt #2: This time we have Suspicious Side Eye, Squinty Scrunch Face and Kid Who Smells Something Terrible. Cheesy Facehole Board, Attempt #3: I don't even know what's going on with Ike's face in this one. Either the sun was in his eyes or this is honestly what he thinks counts as a "smile" these days: Cheesy Facehole Board, Attempt #4: Ezra has now graduated to talking like a pirate, Noah is about to mime projectile vomiting because that's never NOT funny, and I... Read more →


Over the past week, we have attended three different parent/teacher conferences. Which I guess makes sense, given that we have three different children, but still. What a damn timesuck that ends up being. Something to consider for any ongoing family planning purposes, you guys. . All three conferences were fairly uneventful. Ike enjoys learning about animals and seems very comfortable "exploring the classroom space." (Translation: wandering around like a hopped-up ping-pong ball.) He is going through a "big vocabulary development phase." (Translation: He never ever shuts up.) Occasionally he can be quite "independent" (stubborn, difficult, made of NO, the perfect embodiment of every 3 year old ever) but is easily "redirected" (look Ike, it's something shiiiiiny!). He is not a big fan of the Montessori "Practical Life" activities. (Translation: Table dusting? Floor mopping? Silver polishing? WTF decade do you people think this is? Child labor laws and Dyson vaccuums. Look 'em up, assholes.) Noah enjoys...oh, throws up hands, Noah enjoys school and has the best teacher in the universe who responds to his occasional rigidity with all the calming flexibility of a gentle, graceful birch tree, who absolutely adores him and says things like, "oh, my heart!" when describing his... Read more →