December 12, 2014
So hey, here's some great timing. Right after pledging to turn over a new blogging leaf, I get to announce something that is all but guaranteed to alienate and/or annoy a very large chunk of whatever readers I have left.
Internet, I've decided to get some work done. In the cosmetic surgery meaning of the phrase.
It's also happening tomorrow. At the crack o' dawn. T-minus a not-significant number of hours.
(To say I've procrastinated writing about this is a bit of an understatement, I guess. Can you blame me?)
During my pregnancy with Ike, I developed an umbilical hernia. (You can Google that one.) Instead of going away, it's gotten increasingly tender and uncomfortable. Two different doctors recommended surgical correction before it gets any worse, as it can cause some nasty complications and become a whole medical emergency thing. (DON'T Google that one.)
During my pregnancies with ALL OF THEM, my abdominal muscles separated pretty significantly, and my skin scretched out and nothing ever went back to how or where it was before. After kicking my ass into gear this year with diet and exercise, my muscles are strong but still several inches apart, and the extra skin is even more pronounced — that a perma-shelf/pouch/spill-over muffin top that I'm sure many of you are all too familiar with. I love many things about my post-pregnancy body (my boobs! my complexion! having hips!)...but not that, not so much.
And you know what? I was like, "If I'm going to have abdominal surgery for the FOURTH FREAKING TIME, I would like to look a little better afterwards. Especially if I'm not getting a nice distracting new baby out of it."
So I'm getting the hernia repair and a tummy tuck. I am excited but mostly freaking out and wondering what the hell I was thinking, because it sounded awesome in theory but now there's no backing out and it sounded so great in theory and now it's going to hu-u-u-rt and be different and stuff and gaaaahhhh.
(I'm also getting that stupid ear lump from a couple years ago removed — once I learned that it wasn't anything concerning I went straight back to ignoring it. Time saving tip: Just let your Weird Body Things pile up and stack 'em into a single surgery.)
And I guess there's not much else to say. I thought about not even saying anything publicly because I knooooooowwwww, I'm Vain-y McVainerson, but that feels crappy and disingenuous. I made a choice and I will own it. Like, what? I'm going to suddenly start telling people that after three pregnancies and three c-sections, my body mysteriously decided to de-pooch itself three and a half years later? My lands! It's a bikini body miracle! You just gotta do some crunches, ladies.
(Though apologies to anybody who knows me IRL and is getting the whole "OH HEY HAVING MAJOR SURGERY BRB" news here. It's been a very weird topic to bring up.)
Also DAMN, I picked up my post-surgery prescriptions already and if I stick to that whole "I WANT TO BLOG MORE" commitment next week I am going to writing while high as a fucking kite, y'all. So that should be amusing for everybody, I suppose.