ANSWER: Just one, but it'll cost ya a Lego table. Oh the brickmanity! Amazingly enough, I had absolutely nothing to do with this. Jason decided to install one of those fancy app-controlled, color-changing light bulb systems and thoroughly misjudged the strength of the crappy MDF and cardboard table while swapping out bulbs in the ceiling. The crash was tremendous. (He's fine. So are the light bulbs.) Note, however, that all the Lego plates survived intact, furthering my belief that even after a global fiery apocalypse, there will still be Legos to step on. Also, as my children work to salvage and remove as many plates as possible, this is officially the most attention this table has gotten since I made them the damn thing. And so we say goodbye to the last remaining vestige of the Isle of Sodor. I shall of course be replacing it with something from IKEA, because life is a flat circle and also Jason spent all our money on designer light bulbs. Read more →

Jason spent almost the entire weekend at work, supporting a round-the-clock launch of multiple Very Important Website-y Things or Something Or Other, I Dunno. Like, they booked him a hotel downtown and everything, although they probably shouldn't have bothered, as I got a text message announcing his arrival (and intention to grab a couple hours of sleep before heading back to the office) at 5:35 a.m. on Sunday morning. Thus the boys and I were left to our own devices, and given some Recent Events and Experiences, I mostly opted to not venture outside, or attempt doing anything at all, besides a shit-ton of laundry and Netflix. (And a water balloon/water pistol fight. WHICH I WON.) Specifically, Orange is the New Black, which I KNOW came out like, five million Internet weeks ago but I was trying to patiently wait until Jason's job allowed him to join me on a binge-watch session. Unfortunately for poor J, I reached the end of my patience rope this weekend and texted him the following warning shot: And even more unfortunately for J (and several other people who are all probably very sorry they ever gave me their phone numbers), I'd ALSO hit some... Read more →

Yesterday, a brief errand out with the boys abruptly turned scary, slightly dangerous and mind-numbingly boring, all at the same time. (UNIVERSE TO AMY: STOP GOING OUTSIDE.) When we left the house I saw some clouds rolling in. "Looks like it's going to rain," Noah observed. And indeed, by the time we arrived at Target a few minutes later, it was starting to drizzle a bit. Five minutes after that, my phone (and the phones of dozens of fellow shoppers) began to buzz and screech with a tornado warning. A tornado? Really? That seems...excessive. Chill, weather alert thing. We continued shopping and showed up at the register with that typical sort of Weird Target Haul of Rando Items -- we were technically there for dish detergent and sponges, yet ended up with a pair of shorts, band-aids, a candle, hair ties, and birthday cards for Jason. (Happy 40th, honey! BTW your 7 year old picked out the card calling you an old man, not me.) By the time we approached the register some RATHER INTENSE WEATHER was going on outside. And inside things were starting to fritz out accordingly. The self-checkouts were "cash or giftcards only," and then after getting... Read more →

I got pulled over on Friday morning. I haven't been pulled over in a damn decade at this point -- no tickets, no warnings -- and I was completely caught off-guard by the sight of flashing lights in my rearview mirror. Whaaaaat. I hadn't been speeding, I'd used my turn signal for a lane change, didn't run a red light, so I was pretty baffled as I pulled over and watched the cop car come to a stop behind me. Maybe a brake light was out? Eh? Whatever it was, it was most likely something in the realm of "slight pain in the ass" as opposed to BITCH U GOIN TO JAIL NOW. And while my brain remained mostly calm and logical, the rest of my neurological system decided to freak the absolute fuck out. My Essential Tremor turned up to 11, and I began involuntarily shaking like a leaf from head to toe. By the time the officer approached the window I could barely get my license out of my wallet or roll down the window. My head was bobbing, my legs were bouncing, I was a damn mess. He looked concerned. The very first question he asked was... Read more →

Thanks to all the snow days, Noah and Ezra's school added a full extra week to the year. However, I am officially calling foul on this extra week, because it appears to be utter bullshit. There's no homework, band practice or library visits. Desks were thoroughly emptied on Monday. Every notebook, workbook, and folder already came home. Even Noah's paper textbook covers are sitting in the pile, along with all their crayons and pencils. We live close enough to the school that I can hear playground noise practically non-stop. When I asked Ezra what he was even DOING at school I got a convoluted report of extra story time, movies and building a fort out of empty boxes in the art room. Noah simply shrugged and said, "Nothing." Which, fine! It's like a week of daycare, for free! But honestly I think we'd all just rather sleep in a little bit and not have to worry about finding clean shirts and matching socks and packing lunches even though today and tomorrow are HALF DAYS and yet lunch still happens at school and that will never make sense to me. (At least Ezra agreed to buy his lunch and use up... Read more →

Ike had his first "real" birthday party this weekend, aka the kind of party where we sacked up and invited his entire preschool class to an actual organized party, rather than just half-assedly inviting a bunch of our friends over to barbecue and eat cupcakes in the backyard. Five years old calls for a proper birthday party, I think. Ike chose a pizza-making party at a local restaurant, blatantly copy-catting his classmate who had the same party not that long ago. But hey, the party package included invitations, cookie decorating, pre-made goody bags and I didn't have to clean up a thing. I like how you roll, child. Jason did have to pitch in and help with some dough shaping, which apparently was MUCH harder than it looked, AMY, STOP LAUGHING. Poor Noah was having a fairly severe sensory freak-out over the tie-dye wall decor and getting flour on his hands, and also a touch of I'm too big for this shit existential crisis, but participated anyway to make Ike happy.* I offered Ike the choice of whatever kind of cake he wanted, figuring he'd pick something that would require a professional decorating job, but no. He wanted a plain... Read more →

It's Friday! Seems like a good day to laze out and just post random photos of my pets. Especially since there's currently a tail on my keyboard and a butt on my mouse. The cats have settled in, I'm happy to report. They have stopped hiding completely and now join Beau as a little troupe of shadows who follow me around all day, demanding attention, food, and lap real estate. I've never had two cats or littermates before, and it's been FOREVER since we had a cat that still acted as kitten-like as these two, so they are filling our lives with much hilarity and pratfalls. Catfalls? Ew, stop that, self. Miss Rey has managed to not fall out of anymore windows, but consistently finds other trouble to get herself into, like getting her ass stuck in an ottoman or locked in closets or falling into the toilet because she's so mesmerized by the flushing. True storiez. Despite her spectacular Queen Bitch Cat facial expressions, there's really no deliberate naughtiness or evil behind all her mischief. It's more like she's just kind of a klutzy airhead who doesn't understand how life works. (Oh my God, she's me.) She's...not the smartest... Read more →

As a generally optimistic person (or just a naive dumbass), I naturally assumed that there was nowhere to go but up after the Monday morning clusterfuck. And yet I was in no way surprised when Tuesday morning kicked off promptly with Ike projectile vomiting at the breakfast table. I'd just smugly finished packing his bag for the day (INCLUDING HIS LUNCH GO ME) and turned around just to see it happen. An entire cup of milk, all over his nice clean bathing suit and matching(!) swim shirt, his chair, the floor, just everywhere. And so instead of a second day of summer camp -- a precious day, one of only 10 days I'd ponied up for childcare for him all summer -- Ike spent the morning getting a bath and ushered back to bed. Then he voluntarily relocated to the floor outside the bathroom after the next wave hit him 20 minutes later. And that was our morning. By mid-afternoon he'd perked up enough to sip water and watch some Super Why, then had a little dry cereal and another nap. By dinnertime he was running around like a lunatic all I WANT TACOS AND CANDY I'M STARVING. So. He... Read more →

In retrospect, I'm not sure why I thought it would be a good idea to schedule a doctor's appointment on the same morning Ike started summer camp. I mean, I can see it from the perspective of a normal human being, like: 1) Ike's summer camp is basically no different than Ike's preschool, except we walk in a different door to a different classroom. 2) The doctor's office is only five minutes away from Ike's summer camp. THEREFORE AND ERGO, it is perfectly reasonable to assume that I should easily be able to drop Ike off at 9:30 and be on time for a 10:00 appointment, barring some kind of never-ending string of minor timesucking disasters. Riiiiight. Let's review. Minor timesucking disaster #1 occurred when they called to confirm my appointment and cheerfully informed me that, as a new patient, I actually needed to arrive no later than 9:30. In my head I went "hmm" but my mouth agreed that sure, I will be in two places at once, no problem. Disaster #2 occurred when I waited until this morning to look at the list of items Ike needed to bring to camp. I'd remembered to pack his lunch but... Read more →

This post is sponsored by Hologic, Inc., the makers of the Genius 3D MAMMOGRAPHY exam. This Sunday is National Cancer Survivors Day, and while cancer has managed to take quite a lot from our family over the years, I’m super grateful for the One That Got Away. My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer back when I was pregnant with Noah. A lump, a mammogram, a biopsy, a mastectomy. A terribly all-too-common story—one in every eight women will develop breast cancer in her lifetime—albeit with the silver lining of early detection. When breast cancer is found early, the five-year survival rate is nearly 100 percent. Of course, when you’re in the throes of a suspected cancer diagnosis, it’s always a terrifying timeline. How long has it been there before anyone noticed? How fast is it growing while we wait for results? How early is early enough? This year marks her 11th year as a breast cancer survivor. She was at the hospital the day Noah was born, and has been cancer-free ever since. She’ll be spending this Sunday here at our house, celebrating Ike’s birthday. As my own 40th birthday looms ever closer, that “one in eight” statistic looms larger.... Read more →