*peeks head around door*
*eyes room nervously*
Is it...is it safe? Is everyone...healthy? Can I sit down and relax for a minute without...you know...having to talk about the vomit and the vomiting and the vomiting on top of various surfaces up to and including my own neck? Can I at last possibly maybe change the frigging subject already?
The coast looks clear. For now. Hurry! WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT MY HAIR.
The last time I yammered on about the topic, you may remember, I was going through what I affectionately and accurately described as my Chia Pet period. I was pregnant with Ike and my head had decided to grow a new pelt of wispy stick-out-y hair all over the place. I even illustrated the situation for you.
The problem miraculously solved itself at some point, right when I stopped paying attention. I'm not sure what happened: Either the short bonus hairs all fell out later in the second trimester, or they grew super-fast and started laying flat and blending in, more or less. By the third trimester, my hair once again achieved its typical pregnancy-induced awesomeness. Indeed, on the day Ike was born, I was sporting a bunch of ugly new sun spots and freckles and no longer had any jawline definition to speak of, but goddammit, my hair looked pretty fabulous.
And then it all fell out. Like ALWAYS, every time. Around six weeks postpartum my hair began to shed with a vengeange and I was soon back to having a head of limp, fine hair that refused to do anything interesting.
HAIR ONE: What do you want to do today?
HAIR TWO: I dunno, what do you want to do today?
HAIR ONE: I dunno, I asked you first.
HAIR TWO: I dunno, I just want sit here and hang, all flat-like and stuff.
HAIR ONE: Didn't we do that yesterday?
HAIR TWO: Yeah.
HAIR ONE: Okay. So I should tell the blow-dryer and the hot rollers to go fuck themselves, right?
HAIR TWO: Whatever. I'm drunk.
But I was expecting that. It happens. It's annoying and drain-clogging and always lasts juuuuuust up to the point where you start getting vaguely alarmed by how much you're shedding, but then it evens out and you're left with approximately the same amount of hair you had pre-pregnancy.
But after six months or so, I noticed...something.
There, up around my hairline, was the bizarre return of the Chia Pet hair.
At first I thought it was breakage, but no. After wetting it down and examining it, I am dealing with a perfectly uniform-in-length fresh crop of growth that crosses my entire forehead, my temples, and goes around my ears and across the back of my neck. It's thickest up by my hairline, but if I part my hair on the sides there's a substantial peppering of it there, too. And it all sticks straight up and out so I look like I had an encounter with an electrical socket, or perhaps a weed whacker.
(The longish section in the center is a widow's peak/cowlick thing I've always had, but which also prohibits me from just getting a nice straightforward swath of bangs to cover up the stupid stick-out-y new hair, because it grows completely sideways. So I go for "sideswept" and just hope I don't anger it, because occasionally it does decide to stubbornly go in the opposite direction.)
(Also let's ignore my eyebrows. I'M AWARE. I'M JUST VERY BUSY.)
Will this hair...keep growing? And eventually catch up with the rest of my hair, like (I assume) the first patch of wonky hair did? Will I perhaps keep sprouting new layers of hair every year or so, like a magical everlasting Chia Pet? Or this maybe something breastfeeding-hormone-ish related? (And no, I am not pregnant. NO. DON'T EVEN. I WILL BAN YOUR ASS SO HARD.)
But no matter what, I can blame it on my children, right? Because I can live with pretty much anything as long as I can blame it on my children.
UPRISING IN DISTRICT 12! WE SHALL NOT BE SILENCED BY TYRANNY OR HAIRSPRAY! WE WILL MAKE YOU WALK AROUND LOOKING LIKE THIS ALL THE DAMN TIME AND YOU WILL SHRUG AND USE IT AS AN EXCUSE TO PUT ON SWEATPANTS.