Swing Low Sweet Crazy Person

AMY: Thanks for getting the baby swing down from the attic... JASON: No problem. AMY: *under breath* ...three freaking months after I originally asked you to but whatever. JASON: What? AMY: Nothing! AMY: *busies herself with refastening freshly-washed cover to baby swing* AMY: *tries to attach swing seat to swing frame, makes horrible discovery* AMY: THE SWING IS MISSING A PART! JASON: What? AMY: MISSING! A PART! THIS WON'T ATTACH! THE LITTLE THINGS THAT GO ON THE OTHER THING AND KIND OF...POP? OUT? THOSE THINGS! OR WAS IT A SCREW? EITHER WAY! THERE IS SOME ESSENTIAL MISSING THING! JASON: *looks* Yeah, you're right. I'll look up in the attic again, I guess. AMY: Okay. AMY: *waits* AMY: ... AMY: *waits more* JASON: What? AMY: OH MY FUCKING GOD. (PS. NO BABY YET.) (PPS. OR WORKING SWING.) Read more →


I feel like I'm at That Point already, where I need to check in at least every day with some kind of NO BABY YET alarm. Even though I'm still technically three weeks away from the dead last of my assorted due dates. (June 5th. Though May 30th and June 2nd also have reasonably good chances of being correct. Take your pick.) But oh, my lands, my uterus is getting SO GOOD at this Big Tease routine, to the point that I'm actually waking up each morning a little surprised to still be pregnant. Yesterday I started getting contractions at the farmer's market (which was just SO VERY hippie Earth Mother of me, don't you think?), every 20 minutes, like clockwork. They continued during a trip to the playground, throughout an ENTIRE reenactment of Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, as performed by Noah And A Bunch Of Kids... Read more →


So. You may be happy to hear that I finally up and packed a damn hospital bag. (You may also be mildly ambivalent, profoundly disinterested, or experiencing nausea and dry mouth. Side effects may vary, please consult your doctor.) Packing the bag, I believe, is the sure-fire way to prevent a repeat of Tuesday's events, and guarantee that absolutely NOTHING of baby-and-labor-related interest happens until June 1st, when we are scheduled to go in and get 'im. The first time I packed a hospital bag I used one of those checklists from the Internet. (Many of which, I've noticed, still mention FILM. Like several times. Make sure your camera has FILM. Bring extra FILM. The hospital gift shop will overcharge you for FILM. It's like a glimpse into childbirth circa 1994!) Anyway, the checklist I consulted was a very, very looooooong checklist, and I ended up hauling a tremendous amount... Read more →


So apparently I very much accidentally made the end of Monday's post sound a little...misleadingly cliffhanger-y, as many of you misinterpreted my "awkwardly backing out of a topic about how crazypants I am in order to go search of better hand-me-down bin labeling materials" as "I JUST WENT INTO LABOR DUN DUN DUUUUUN." I was totally planning to tease y'all about that, by the way. Oh! You guys! Are so cute! I forget how labor-trigger-happy the Internet gets whenever it gets within spittin' distance of a due date! At least, that's what I PLANNING to write yesterday. Right after I took a shower. But then I started to step into the shower, and...what's that? On the floor? Pooling between my feet? And running down my legs? Um. Okayyyy. Quick change of plans, I guess? Now, my water never broke during either of my previous pregnancies. With Noah, it was broken... Read more →


I spent most of the weekend alternately convinced that 1) I was going into labor, or 2) never going to go into labor until I FINISHED ORGANIZING ALL THE CLOSETS EVER. Saturday night: Very Serious-Looking Self-Portrait With Toilet Paper & Assorted Hand Soaps (And A Very Bad Angle Of My Kickass Mother's Day Gift, Dammit). Taken at some point during three hours' worth of contractions, at times coming as little as three minutes apart. I figured the best way to put a stop to that nonsense was to pack my hospital bag, but then decided to take a quick bath first -- just in case, so I could shave some essential areas -- and BAM. The contractions stopped as soon as I got in the tub, which...was good! I'm still a week away from full term! I have to wash the car seat cover, and that one baby blanket I... Read more →


PREGNANCY PRO TIP: Once your belly reaches a size where it starts provoking unsolicited comments/predictions from strangers regarding your due date and/or the likelihood of you "making it" to said due date and/or shit like "another MONTH, plus some? whoo-boy, get ready for a 15-pounder there, mom," consider dressing in clothing that allows you to blend into the wall color. I find it incredibly slimming. Read more →


Why is today still spring break? Why wasn't one whole week off from school enough? Why this one extra stupid day -- the same day, of course, that I traditionally spend alone and gleeful as I thoughtfully and judiciously "edit" the contents of my children's Easter baskets because THAT BUNNY HAD NO RIGHT TO BE SO GENEROUS -- of stir-crazy kids running around the house begging for peanut-butter eggs? And honestly, I'm not so sure Noah is particularly thrilled with being home with me anymore either. He's bored and done and over it too. Especially since I won't let him ride his little brother like a donkey anymore or swaddle the dog like an infant. I am No Fun, you guys. And he is done with me, professionally. *** You know what IS fun, though? The new car. The kids looooovvvvvve the new car. They want to live in the... Read more →


Guess what! Guess what guess what! I AM FEELING SLIGHTLY KIND OF A LITTLE BETTER. Definitively, objectively so, even. (Still in bed, however. I left the house exactly once this week, to take Noah to karate, but I sat down the whole time. I PROMISE.) (The previous parenthetical written for 1) my mom, and 2) several of you adorable people, who have been leaving clucking comments of concern and ordering me not to do anything at all, YOU MEAN IT.) The turnaround came from the proper combination of drugsdrugsdrugs, in my case an antibiotic and 12-hour maximum strength Mucinex. The problem, however, is that one of these drugs lists "tiredness" as a side effect and the other one lists "drowsiness." Taken together, I have been experiencing something that can only be described as "HOLY SHIT COMPULSIVE ALL-CAPS EXHAUSTION." Thus, every time I go to write anything I keep *zzzzztt!* doing... Read more →


The fun continues. If by "fun" you mean "AMY IS SICK AGAIN AND TALKING ABOUT BEING SICK AGAIN." Which I am guessing is not at all what you meant. So. 33-week OB appointment this morning. Highlights for discussion included: 1) The flu, the aches, the misery, the two-week-old cough that's getting worse instead of better, probably because I keep thinking I feel a little better and then immediately rush back out into the germy world to Get Shit Done and/or Not Neglect My Children and/or Completely Overdo It (see: the rest of this entry). 2) More weight loss thanks to coughing fits leading to vomiting fits several times a day, and a doctor who finally stared at my weight numbers and made a face, like, HMMMMM, but then went on to insist that it won't affect the baby... 3) BUT since it's obviously kicking the ever-loving hell out of me,... Read more →


Because I am pretty sure this pregnancy JUST WON'T COUNT without at least one unwarranted, after-hours trip to Labor & Delivery, I went and diagnosed myself with pre-eclampsia last night and called my doctor's answering service in a panic. I'd had a headache all day that was getting worse by the hour, and I was feeling increasingly woozy and tired and out-of-it. My body was a mess of weirdly unspecific aches and pains in my back and sides and shoulders and maybe my abdomen or maybe my uterus, I don't know, it just allll hurts, and I was having these really ridiculously violent coughing fits where I would basically cough until I threw up. By the time I realized I was ALSO running a fever, I was convinced that I was dying of pre-eclampsia or HELLP syndrome or an acksploded gallbladder or something else bad and awful and very dramatic,... Read more →