ANSWER: Just one, but it'll cost ya a Lego table.
Oh the brickmanity!
Amazingly enough, I had absolutely nothing to do with this. Jason decided to install one of those fancy app-controlled, color-changing light bulb systems and thoroughly misjudged the strength of the crappy MDF and cardboard table while swapping out bulbs in the ceiling. The crash was tremendous. (He's fine. So are the light bulbs.)
Note, however, that all the Lego plates survived intact, furthering my belief that even after a global fiery apocalypse, there will still be Legos to step on. Also, as my children work to salvage and remove as many plates as possible, this is officially the most attention this table has gotten since I made them the damn thing.
And so we say goodbye to the last remaining vestige of the Isle of Sodor.
I shall of course be replacing it with something from IKEA, because life is a flat circle and also Jason spent all our money on designer light bulbs.