Road Rash

Question: Have you ever gotten to a point where you are so thoroughly stressed out that you wake up every morning covered in a rash? And then you become convinced that the rash is from bedbugs, but bedbugs that exist ONLY on your side of the bed and ONLY bite you, and then you get even more stressed out and stop sleeping because GAAAAHHHH bedbugs and also persistent, recurring anxiety dreams. And then during the day you're basically a sleep-deprived anxiety zombie whose hands shake uncontrollably every time you think about all the things that are making you feel so overwhelmed, to the point that you can barely even type or hold a pen or apply topical ointment to your super-attractive stress rash? Yeah, me neither. (But I can confirm that no, we most definitely do not have bedbugs. So that's a plus.) Anyway. Changes afoot, big decisions to ponder. Necessary and positive changes, obviously, to address everything going on in that first big run-sentence-laden paragraph up there. I'm still trying to decide what and and when to get into specifics, though, and I'm sorry about that. (No, not pregnant. No, not divorcing. No, not signing up for fucking Pinterest... Read more →


A Very Important & Artistic Photo Exhibition

Sometimes, when I finally get around to clearing out the thousands of photos I've allowed to accumulate on my phone, I discover something special. Something mysterious, unique and bold. Photos taken by someone other than me, by someone with a keen visual perspective and something to say. The latest are presented below, with comment and full artistic interpretation... Through the Glass Coffee Table The exhibit is not afraid to start off challenging. What is this? Where was this taken? Why the hell is this on my phone? Through the Glass Coffee Table, Revisited, With Legs A blurry glimpse of a child's legs and sneaker gives the viewer some perspective, but still no answers. Much like there is a sleeve, but no hand. There is a rug, but it is not our rug. Boy With Green Phone At this point, viewers who are familiar with this particular artist's work (and his family's recent trip to West Elm for pillow shams) will start to make sense of the series. Here, a child remains oblivious to the carefully curated trappings of consumerism behind him, and perhaps even finds it a bit distasteful as he pinches his nose to ward off the scent of... Read more →


WHOOMP

As of this morning, Ike's snowpants still had the tags attached. Even though they are snowpants that I myself did not even buy, but were handed down unworn from my nephew several years ago, and were originally intended for Ezra. I'm happy to say those snowpants finally got put to some good, heavy-duty use. This was Ike's first "real" time out playing in "real" snow. As in, snow that's more than a heavy dusting, and not half-melted by the time we got our collective acts together to get out in it. I think he's napped though every other play-in-the-snow opportunity this winter. This time, though. 15 inches! Enough to just open the front door and toss him into the nearest drift. It's safe to say he's a fan. Ezra, on the other hand, originally spent less time out in the snow than I spent getting him dressed for the snow, once he realized that his dad had every intention of retaliating his snowball-throwing. NOT COOL, DAD. He stomped back in and stripped down in a huff, though I was able to tempt him back out with this jaunty little guy: Ezra selected his carrot nose and hat, and named him... Read more →


My Organizational Skillz, Let Me Sh-OOH LOOK SOMETHING SHINY

So Ezra's (ZAH! ZAH!) first day of school went very well, provided you don't bring up the part where I forgot to go get him at the end of the day. Oh, you're gonna bring up that part? FINE. You're a bitch, though. Figure 1: Glorious light-filled angel babies who deserve better Noah's bus arrives around 3:25/3:30. But it arrives maaaybe a block away, just around the corner, over there-ish. *points over shoulder at office window just to really clear it up for the folks reading at home* Thus, "picking Noah up" usually goes something like this: 1) La la la worky work work work type type 2) OH SHIT LOOK AT THE TIME 3) Dash downstairs and out door 4) OPTIONAL BONUS ROUND: Put on shoes, be showered, vaguely presentable, etc. 5) Be at least down to the corner by the time the bus is pulling up to the stop, so Noah can see me and be secure in the fact that his mother loves him and cares enough be in the general vicinity of his bus and would never, ever just completely forget our daily homecoming ritual. Ezra's new extended school day ends at 3:00, but there is... Read more →


This Land

Back when I thought we "needed" to move, a bigger backyard was probably on the top of my list of "reasons." You know, for the kids. So they'd have room. To play. (Because....clearly. They don't have that. At all.) Our backyard isn't perfect. It's on the larger size for our townhouse community but still not what I considered ideal for three growing children, or for entertaining more than like, two additional people. We're not allowed to have swingsets or playsets that are taller than the fence. The drainage isn't great so the grass is perpetually dead on that one side and a couple hours in the sprinkler means the whole yard is vaguely swampy for the next two days. The soil is crap. Our gardening options are limited to what we can grow in containers on the deck. Blah blah, whine whine, nit, pick. I remember my childhood backyard being huge. I remember endless stretches of grass and a tree swing and a secret fort in a wide hedge of bushes and having room for a swingset AND a slip-n-slide AND a sandbox AND endless adventures. I wanted something like that, for them. (Though I fully admit I was being... Read more →


Moving Forward By Staying Still

I'd start this post out with the usual barrage of OMG and I can't believe it but frankly, if this ISN'T the face of a newly minted second grader, I don't know what is. I guess this is as good a point as any to mention a little side plot line in our lives that certainly didn't FEEL little, even though I chose not to blog about it, but: We were planning to move. We've since changed our minds. Oh my God, 10 words to sum up over SIX MONTHS of crazy offline craziness. That's so not fair. We decided over the winter to put our townhouse on the market and look around for a single family in the same general area. We set an end-of-the-school-year deadline for ourselves and completed a monstrous to-do list of painting, fixing, improving, decluttering (or decrapifying, as we usually called it), you name it. All the stupid little piddly house shit you know you need to do but...don't. (Apologies for including "you" in my procrastination process, if you are not the sort who lets stupid little piddly house shit pile up around you until you are boxed in by shit mountains.) I packed and... Read more →


I Can Haz Cat? No I Cannot Haz Cat.

If it were up to ME, today's entry would have been the story about my new cat. Unfortunately, OTHER PEOPLE IN MY HOUSE do not subscribe to the "finders keepers also she really, really likes me!" philosophy of pet adoption. I was watching TV and kept wondering when someone on the show was going to acknowledge the crazy high-pitched meowing happening just offscreen. When it never happened, it dawned on me that OH. That there is a real cat. Who is definitely not MY cat, who is plenty prone to yowling but who has a much deeper voice. But damn, that is some loud-ass meowing. I got up to investigate, by which I mean I walked confusedly around my house with a dumb baffled look for awhile, because...cat? Hello cat? Are you there? Yes, This Is Dog, etc. And then I discovered a cat pacing in front of our kitchen window. It saw me and amped up its already desperate-sounding meowing. I walked out the front door and it ran right to me, purring and rubbing and sqwinching and in the 15 seconds it took me to pick it up and bring it inside I was already like, "WHELP I... Read more →


The Plastic Wrap That Ate New York City

Happy Monday, Innernets! How was your weekend? Ours was fine! I learned two things: 1) When Ike comes down with his big brother's cold, he gets this hilariously gigantic cough -- CAAAAHHH-UGH CAAAAAHH-UGH-UGH-CAH -- and sounds exactly like an old man having a top-volume coughing fit at a quiet restaurant. So the next time you hear a cough like that and start looking for the person to scowl at, like GO OUTSIDE, DUDE, NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR YOU COUGHING UP YOUR LUNG, be forewarned that it could be my baby. 1a) I mean, you can still scowl at him, if you want. He won't care. Old-man cough badger don't give a shit. 1b) CAAAAHHHHH-UGH-GGG-CAH-UH-ETC. 2) Before you bundle your children up and send them outside to frolic in a couple inches of freshly fallen snow, you should PROBABLY confirm that the white stuff on the ground actually is snow. As opposed to a deadly, pointy mix of 10% snow and 90% ice. And you should confirm this fact through a testing method OTHER THAN watching your six-year-old pelt your three-year-old in the face with an iceball. 2a) He's fine! The cut didn't even need stitches. 2b) (dies) 2c) Though... Read more →


The Mom in the Mirror

On a scale of one to 10, how corny would it be to kick off a blog entry with expressing gratitude to a supreme diety for the fact that it is currently Friday? Eleventy hundred? Ish? Fuck it. TGIF, man. Tee gee eye eff. I have no idea why this week felt particularly rough, but it did. There isn't any one thing to point to and say THAT. RIGHT THERE. That's where my week went off the rails and into the realm of I hate everything and am going back to bed and I would like to see anyone try and stop me because I will fuck your shit up. I had a cold, but got over it pretty quickly. Ezra kicked a kid at preschool, but his teacher was all, "Yeah, they're all kicking each other right now. Kids! Whattaya gonna do?" We missed the bus one morning and I yelled at Noah for refusing to put his shoes on the first seven times I asked and at Ezra for taking his shoes OFF right as we were trying to leave, but then we caught up with the bus at the next stop a block away and I felt... Read more →


It's Tradition, Dammit

Hey, so you know what happens when you get an email from your blog provider that reads, "The credit card on your account expired. Please provide a new one within X number of days or else you won't be able to post on your blog?" And then you forget to provide a new card within X number of days? You totally are not able to post on your blog! Just like they said! I know, right? And then you're like, OKAY FINE, WHERE'S MY WALLET and you can't find your wallet and you're like, SCREW THIS, IT'S A HOLIDAY ANYWAY and you put it off again and then you find your wallet the next day and finally update the card information...only to realize that this exact anecdote about mildly suspenseful credit card hijinks is the ONLY INTERESTING THING YOU HAVE TO TALK ABOUT ON YOUR BLOG. And then you're like, I REALLY SHOULD REEVALUATE MY LIFE. ALSO STOP USING CAPS LOCK SO MUCH. But hey! I've been saying both of those things since I started this blog back in 2003. And hell, if I can't even be bothered to find my wallet within a perfectly reasonable, specified time frame, I'm... Read more →