Weekend Vignettes

For reasons that I believe can go mostly undocumented, we thought the dog had salmonella on Saturday. We found stray mussel shells from a disastrously ambitious dinner scattered in the yard; puddles of sick scattered pretty much everywhere else. She's actually just fine, but I just wanted to mention it anyway because I had to clean up a LOT of barf. You know. Just in case Ceiba ever reads this website one day. I cleaned up your barf, and I didn't like it. And now you never call! Ingrate. *They ALL DIED before we could cook them. I set them on a paper towel for ONE MINUTE and every goddamn mussel decided to commit ritualistic suicide rather than face the hot pan of death. I was going to drown you in WINE, you bastards. WINE. We should all be so lucky to die such a death. *** In other best-left-to-the-imagination news, we have a mouse in our kitchen. And clearly, the most useless-ass pets EVER. *** Scene: Every Saturday Morning In Our House, Ever Jason: Anything you want to do today? Amy: I want to go to Ikea. Jason: We're not going to Ikea. Amy: (dramatic flailing) Fin. *** You... Read more →

Okay, so a lot of you demanded to see photos of the headband. A lot of you do not have much goin' on for you, these days, I'm guessin'. Anyway, I wasn't intentionally holding out on you, I just...um...haven't been washing my hair much this week, in order to test out some new dry shampoo and various oily-scalp things for the Advice Smackdown. Results have been...mixed. Helmet-head-ish, with a side of Ye Olde Timey Powdered Wig. You know, REALLY PRETTY. Really ready for a close-up self-portrait to be published across the land. I bought it at H&M after watching entirely too much Top Chef, because that one girl always wore double headbands like this one, only not really like this one at all, as you can see close up: Even the girl on Top Chef had re-thought the headbands by the reunion show. I should have learned a similar lesson, including the fact that this fucker HURTS MY HEAD. Anyway. The glittery headband is just all around Bad Idea Jeans, I realize that now. Moving on! It is now time to talk about how ugly my kitchen is. See, when we moved into this house, we were completely thrilled with... Read more →

Here, I drew you a picture of our trip a new pediatrician this morning: (Click to embiggen and like, really DRINK IN the artistry of those brushstrokes) After regarding the mailbox for awhile and determining that it was, in fact, a standard blue United States Postal Service mailbox and NOT a pediatric practice with a bitchin' infant drop-off system, I figured we should head towards the nearest actual office building. Which as you can clearly see, is Not The Doctor. Not Our Doctor, anyway. There were many doctors in it, and I'm sure they are lovely doctors, even if the design of their building leaves something to be desired, as...I don't know, I figured DOORS are usually somewhat adjacent to PARKING LOTS and basically ended up circling the entire building -- like some kind of suburban obstacle course designed by MC Escher -- before finding the door. Which was Not The Door To The Doctor Anyway. The Doctor was at 101313 Major Big Ass Road. Not The Doctor was 101310 Major Big Ass Road, although the building number was -- YOU GUESSED IT -- not anywhere near the goddamn door, but sort of diagonally facing the road, and blocked by... Read more →

I spent all weekend planting things. OUTSIDE things. OUTSIDE, where there are bugs. Worms. Dirt. Nature. After working diligently for two whole minutes I commented to Jason that this wasn't so bad. This wasn't so bad at all! We've spent the last 10 months or so going back and forth about whether we really want to stay out here in the suburbs -- we kind of hate it, honestly -- and we were *thiiiiiis close* to making an offer on a condo in our old neighborhood (hell, practically in our old building) right after Ezra was born (hell, he was still pruny and gory) but then waffled for five minutes because HELLO, pruny gory baby and our house wasn't ready to sell (despite our best psychotic nesting efforts) and then the condo went under contract and All The Stuff With Noah happened and finally we both admitted that yes, we really really really do want to move back to the city but it's just not the right time yet, maybe next year, in the meantime, let's get outside and plant some goddamn tulips. So there I was, planting things -- some bulbs for next year, some shrubs and groundcover and... Read more →

Famous Last Words

FRIDAY: "I don't think I've got the nesting thing as bad this time, you know?" "Oh yeah, you're much calmer. You haven't even said a single word about replacing the kitchen cabinets." SATURDAY: I made us drive two states and like, four counties south to look at houses, because I thought we could cut our mortgage in half and get a single family home with a garage and a whirlpool tub in the master bath and you know what we could do with all that extra money every month? We could replace the kitchen cabinets! I am brilliant! This is a brilliant plan! I've got a stack of realtor.com printouts and a good feeling about this one zip code, which is ridiculously extra cheap and I'm guessing it's just because other people have never HEARD of this zip code and not for like, a real valid reason like you need to keep a cattle prod handy to keep your neighbor's herd out of your tomato garden. SUNDAY: Okay, so that didn't go super well. I'm not ready to give up. I have a NEW stack of realtor.com printouts and a few different neighborhoods triangulated on the GPS. We won't drive... Read more →

Can't Blog, Wii-ing

I don't know if any of y'all have heard about this "Wii" thing -- I'm not sure how much "buzz" it gets from the "kids" on their "webbylogs" or anything -- but I have to say, Nintendo just might be on to something here. Illiterate people read it here first! So Monday's entry aside, I really did buy Jason a birthday gift -- ye Gods, I am not that heartless -- and while this is definitively the final nail in the Not-Going-to-Blogher Coffin, the poor guy really did deserve a great big toy this year, and I don't think we're QUITE at the point where me taking a solo trip to California for four days would constitute a birthday present, IN SPITE OF me being completely annoying as all shit to live with. (ALTHOUGH! Perhaps I could sell tickets for public performances of my hulking pregnant self awkwardly flailing around the room playing "tennis" while screaming THAT WAS IN, MOTHERFUCKERS at the bobbleheady figures on my TV. That might just finance the airfare.) I am not really a big video game person. The last game I played was Grand Theft Auto III, and I only made it about halfway through... Read more →

We're LATCH Compatible

So, we've shared a lot this week -- we've loved, laughed, learned! -- and I think we've all made some excellent progress towards Better & Fulfilled Marriages, most specifically in the areas of trust, vulnerability, communication and compromise, but I would just like to say that sometimes it is still all about the winning. While Jason's suggestion of going a few months without a car payment was indeed fiscally responsible, and while I have no doubt that his offer to "work from home anytime [I] needed the car" was both sincere and well-intentioned, I calmly and rationally and lovingly explained that if I had to clear AND justify every single vehicular-based movement with him for so much as a goddamn week, I would stab him in the ears with a fork while he slept. Sorry, I cannot blog today. I am far too busy thinking of places I can drive my hot new sensible momcar to. Look out world, it fits TWO carseats and features rugged all-weather mats for maximum stray-Cheerio collection. Wicked sweet, dude. Perhaps I shall go challenge some area minivans to a street race. Read more →

The Cider Fridge Rules

Camera status: saved! A dry micro-shammy thing that was probably purchased off an infomercial many moons ago, back when I used to stumble home from bars and watch infomercials 'til morning -- damn, what a wild, crazy diamond I was back then -- lifted the crayon off the screen in about two minutes flat. The viewfinder was a tad more difficult, since Noah managed to really mash the crayon in there, but with a little help from a revolutionary new product (order now and get DOUBLE YOUR ORDER!) called a Q-tip, I was able to clean that up as well. I possibly should have tried this, or you know, ANYTHING AT ALL before turning to the Internet, but...well, problem-solving is not my forte. I am not an Everyday Household Products As Practical Solutions Viking. I prefer to 1) panic, and 2) leave the problem for someone else to solve, lest I grab the Goof Off and allow it to leak into some tiny yet highly-sensitive electronic crevice and have the whole camera blow up in my hands like the Death Star, faster than you can bullseye a womprat. Case in point: the rising levels of apple cider in our basement.... Read more →

Let's Just Call This One "Tuesday"

Yes, Internet, I fully and openly admit to coasting. Both emotionally and editorially. I have not updated since Thursday, greedily allowing the comments to build and build and pile up, checking in every hour or so to boggle at the number and inform Noah that OVER 200 PEOPLE -- WAIT 250! WAIT WAIT 271! -- give a rat's ass about the fact that he had a good day at the Mock Preschool For Children Who Can't Talk Good And Wanna Learn To Do Other Stuff Good Too. Also? We've just been so good over here. Noah's little day of victory lifted us all -- even Noah seems to be happier and more confident, like...like he's some kind of actual human being whose quality of life is affected by his speech and sensory problems. And here I thought all this stuff was dumped on ME for the sole purpose of pissing ME the hell off. Huh. He's talking up a storm and busting out with some fairly random vocabulary -- I guess that one time we made mucus Christmas cookies made a fairly big impression on him, because he's constantly asking about the ROLLY PIN and COOKAYS. Mostly the COOKAYS. "Cookay?"... Read more →

Air of Mystery

While there are very few topics I consider off-limits for this blog, I made the random decision ages ago that I would not publicly document the potty-training process. Thus, please accept my baffled, sort-of impressed and mostly stony silence today. I don't know what I am doing, but that boy will do anything -- GODDAMN ANYTHING -- in exchange for dessert. *** I spent most of the weekend planting bulbs in the garden. Me. Planting bulbs. In the dirt, where there are worms and it was cold and I forgot to change my pants so I was the asshole planting bulbs in low-rise skinny jeans who every once in awhile would remember to yank down on her sweatshirt, but wouldn't take her gardening gloves off so her entire back and half of her ass were covered in dirt by the end, and honestly, what are the odds ANY of those bulbs are going to bloom in the spring? Bad. Slim to none. And I am quite bitter about it already, and I spent the morning sending real estate links to Jason, subtly suggesting that we move back into a condo, because eff. This. Dirt. Shit. *** Speaking of Jason, he... Read more →