The Worst Thing Ever That Actually Really Wasn't

I have been writing posts nonstop in my head since Friday -- nothing I ever intended to commit to the keyboard and publish, just a endless series of disjointed paragraphs that bounced from topic to topic and argued with straw men and imaginary bureaucrats. On and on, my brain kept going and talking and spinning. It kept me awake and anxious at night and distracted and disconnected during the day -- all the signs of an obviously superior coping mechanism. Those of you who follow my sporadic dispatches over at Twitter probably Know Of What I Speak. Here, like a... Read more →


Diagnosis: Idiot

(Apologies in advance for the screediness of this post. I slipped in my socks and fell flat on my ass while attempting to kick a foam soccer ball into a miniature goal in my living room this morning, so perhaps it's my wounded pride [and backside] lashing out at its inner child, or some such.) (For something more fluffy, feel free to visit the Luvs Momspeak site for my entry about Ghetto Fabulous Bargain Baby-Proofing.) I currently find myself irrationally angry at Denis Leary. Okay, let me back up. Denis Leary was on The Daily Show last week, where he... Read more →


Preschool is the new KHAAAAAAANNNN!

Oh, goddammit. We're all sick again. I'm not sure a six-week-old with a cold is any more or less pathetic than a three-week-old with a cold, but I do know that they are a hell of a lot more indignant about it. Our Thanksgiving plans have been jettisoned, what with illness striking down every branch of our family tree. (My mother seems to think she needs to protect the baby from her own case of the flu -- it's kind of adorable that she doesn't realize that it's actually US who are the traveling band of pestilence, sent from the... Read more →


Oh, just...BAH

First, the insanity report: I took both boys to the doctor's office today for check-ups. Approximately seven hours later I emerged from the little exam room, only to smack face-first into a wall, probably from a combination of plunging blood sugar* and the disorientation that comes right after one loses one's soul, as mine flew out the window sometime around the moment right after both boys had their meaty thighs stabbed with needles and started screeeeeeeeeeaming and screeeeeeeeeeeeeeaming and I figured WHAT THE HELL, LET'S BREAK SOME FACIAL BONES WHILE WE'RE AT IT. *My plans to eat lunch before the... Read more →


NOT FUNNY, CONTINUED

Well. We're all still alive. So that's something. I'll spare you most of the slightly horrific, nose-blow-by-blow details of my weekend, except for: 1) Chest cold, i.e. coughing up my fucking toe bones. 2) Sinus infection, i.e. OH MY GOD EVERYBODY PLEASE STOP HAMMERING ON MY FACE. 3) Double ear infection, i.e. Noah no longer getting any sympathy for his SINGLE ear infection, like WHATEVER. 4) Pinkeye, i.e. or possibly "just" the double ear infection leaking out of both of my eyes. 5) Hives from an allergic reaction to the doses of antibiotic I swiped from Noah, i.e. HIVES? YOU... Read more →


NOT FUNNY

So I think I've officially lost my sense of humor about this whole House of Doom and Germs and Fluids Leaking From Everybody's Headholes thing. Perhaps I left it at the pediatrician's office this morning. Perhaps I'll call and see if anyone has noticed the smell of death coming from their Lost & Found. Today's photo, if I chose to illustrate our plight, which I won't, because it's fucking disgusting, would feature the red oozing eyes of both Noah AND HIS MOTHER, who are sporting matching cases of pinkeye. Noah is also covered in a horrible itchy rash, which I... Read more →


Possibly the Most Foul-Mouthed Entry I've Ever Published & That's Fucking Saying Something

Oh my God. Oh my FUCKING God. No, seriously. Sit down. Are you sitting? I have to tell you something. I will probably sputter and swear and knock over your coffee. Then I'm going to need you to stand up and shake me. Or slap me across the face. So I had an OB appointment this morning. Not with my regular OB, but the new doctor he just brought on as a partner -- you know, just in case I go into labor before my SCHEDULED C-SECTION and my doctor isn't available. I liked her! A lot! She took her... Read more →


Drama, Thy Name is Toddler

Or Toddler, Thy Name is Drama. I don't really know. The point is: I am five minutes away from FedExing my child to China. Noah has been, no lie and no exaggeration, throwing one solid tantrum since early yesterday, with only the occasional breathing break. THINGS THAT HAVE MADE NOAH FALL TO THE FLOOR AND WEEP BIG FAT TEARS INCONSOLABLY IN THE PAST 24 HOURS: 1) Asking for more Cheerios, being reminded of the gigantic pile of Cheerios directly in front of him. 2) Asking for more milk, being reminded of the very full cup of milk directly in front... Read more →