A Pregnant Woman's Ultimate Dream TV Wish List

Or, A List of TV Shows That Don't Actually Exist Yet, But Totally Should Or Or, Why I Should Be In Charge of a Television Network Already Or Or Or, Why I Should Probably Never Be In Charge of a Television Network This post is brought to you by XFINITY from Comcast. Watch all your favorite shows from anywhere with XFINITY TV. The views expressed here are solely those of the author and do not necessarily represent the views of Comcast or its partners. MAN V. (PREGNANT LADY) FOOD In which Adam Richman is challenged to explore and partake of some the craziest, weirdest pregnancy cravings from across the country. Forget pickles and chocolate ice cream, we're talking the seriously gross stuff you eat right out of the fridge when no one's home, like bologna-wrapped summer sausage or black olives dipped in pudding. Got a secret desire for a Wendy's Frosty using barbecue Pringles instead of a spoon? The ever-adorable Adam won't judge, he'll join in and declare it delicious. And in fact, you look so good and pretty and maternal right now, why don't you go ahead and order another one, super-sized this time? A BABY STORY SUPERCUT Takes... Read more →

Surviving in the Desert

I don't talk about my in-laws that much. I mean, do I? I don't think I do. FUN FACT: I have probably deleted all of about...three or four blog entries, tops, ever, since I started this site (counts on fingers...oh my GOD) seven years ago. But I still remember the very entry I deleted. It was about visiting my in-laws, and despite sound incredibly tame and ridiculously nice compared with the kind of screeds you saw flying across the average anonymous Blogspot blog back in those Wild West days, I deleted it at Jason's request. So I've been good, right? Other than occasionally holding them up as a case study for the Advice Smackdown, I feel like I've barely mentioned them. So I'm due! I can talk about my in-laws for just a little bit. It's my Christmas wish. DISCLOSURE: This post is brought to you by XFINITY from Comcast. Watch all your favorite shows from anywhere with XFINITY TV. The views expressed here are solely those of the author and do not necessarily represent the views of Comcast or its partners. (Hey, so. I know. Two sponsored-content-type posts in a row. This usually never happens, and really wasn't supposed... Read more →

Superbowl Sell-Out Spectacular!

Jason and Amy watch the Superbowl Halftime Show. An only vaguely embellished transcript. Jason: Why isn’t anyone else doing a halftime show? Like MTV usually does something. Amy: Who knows. Who cares. They all suck. Jason: We could watch the Lingerie Bowl on pay-per-view. Amy: (silence) Jason: Oh. The regular halftime show is MTV. Sellouts. Amy: Jessica Simpson! Aaaaeeeiiiiii!!! Jason: Nice majorette costume. Amy: She’s stupid dumb. Jason: Look, here’s the least embarrassing member of the Jackson family! Amy: And she’s gone goth! Or gladiator. Jason: She is so not dancing. Amy: You mean singing? Jason: Yeah, that too. Amy: P. Diddy! Aaaeeeeeeeiiiiii!! Amy: P. Diddly Iddly, as Flanders would say. TV: Oh Diddy you’re so fine you’re so fine you blow my mind... Jason: Those are words no one should ever have to hear. Amy: Uh oh, Nelly’s coming! The cheerleaders are switching teams! I sense a tussle! Jason: This is a good song. Amy: Yeah, like over a year ago. Jason: Too bad when Nelly was on SNL he was practically tone deaf. Amy: Yeah, the acoustics must be much better in Atlanta. Jason: (snort) Amy: BA WID DA BA DE BANG DE BANG DIDDY Jason: And next... Read more →

Short Bits and Follow-Ups

After looking at my stats and referrers, I must conclude that Tolkien was mistaken: all who wander here ARE lost, actually. While amalah.com is rife with keywords, it's horrifically devoid of actual content. So I shall address a few Google search terms, because I'm bored: Ford fuel pump recall: Yeah, you know what? Don't bother. Even though the cause of this recall (car stalls or nearly stalls in low gears on low fuel) has been well-documented and complained about since the Focus was first produced, Ford just issued the notice...but still, the parts won't be available until next month. If you car stalls, the best they'll offer you is an "interim" repair, which sounds way scary and sketchy -- like duct tape, gum and a blowtorch. When I took my car in for the Battery Incident, I asked about the fuel pump recall. Yeah, uh-huh. Got the car back with the following note on my bill: Fuel pump recall: Parts may be in next month. Ford, it’s a RECALL, for god's sake. It’s the car equivalent of YOU called ME. And then asked who the hell I was and why you were speaking to me. And then kept me on... Read more →

An Open Letter to the Oxygen Network

Oxygen! Again with the Roseanne episodes labeled as Absolutely Fabulous! Oy with the poodles already! What the eff is your problem? See, here's how the happy world of TiVo is supposed to work. I tell TiVo to record all eps of AbFab. You tell TiVo when AbFab is on. But no, you tell TiVo that AbFab is on when really, it's Roseanne. This is where the entire system breaks down, Oxygen, and as far as I can tell, the blame is solely in your court. What do you need me to do, Oxygen? Help me help you. I want to watch your network. Yes, I'm going to fast-forward the commercials but I will watch your network! Should I use reverse psychology and record Roseanne episodes? Should I write a letter to The Oprah telling her what fuckwits you are? Do you have an 800 number I can call to tell you to knock it off? Do you need a program fact checker to make sure you're sending the right information to the TiVo-program-guide-bot? Seriously, do it again and I will destroy you. I mean it, I'll...I'll...I'll post more tantrums about you! Don't mess with the Almighty Amalah and her little... Read more →

TiVo Betrayal

Woke up this morning and was absolutely beside myself with glee when I discovered that TiVo had recorded an old ep of Absolutely Fabulous for me last night. TiVo, sweetie darling, how did you know? So after finally chasing Jason away from his zillion old Star Trek episodes (Starring! Captain! James T. Kirk and a cast! Of! Thousands!) I settled down to watch the Brit-style drunken debauchery of Edina and Patsy and secretly note how similar my friends and I can be to them sometimes...and...and... ROSEANNE?? The hell? Damn you Oxygen channel! Not only does 99% of your programming suck but you mislabel Roseanne as Absolutely Fabulous?? Hate, hate, HATE you so much. It was supposed to be the ep in Morocco where they sell Saffy into white slavery and then have all sorts of hashish-induced visions INCLUDING the one where we find out Pats may have possibly been a man for a period of time. And instead you give me a post-shark-jump Roseanne wih the wrong Becky and everything. You hear me Oxygen? HATE! Read more →

Holiday Cheer & Commercials

I love Christmas so much. Am such a dork, really. I love decorating the tree, putting up lights, non-mall-parking-lot-shopping, trying to get other people to bake cookies for me, TNT's all-day marathon of A Christmas Story, and of course, presents. And then two days later, birthday presents! And then it's all over for me, for a whole year. Boo. Poor, poor Christmas baby. So in the spirit of over-compensation, I milk the entire month of December for all it's worth. So who am I to complain about holiday commercialism? A girl with a blog and a deep-rooted need to complain, that's who. There are certain holiday commercials that show up every freaking year and They Must Be Destroyed. They're the "you-know-it's-Christmas-when..." in the worst possible way. Like, I kinda look forward to the Staples Back-To-School commercial with the dad prancing around the store to "It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year" (now that the back-to-school season no longer applies to me, anyway). And I accept the inevitable increase in ads for electric razors and lottery tickets (seriously? people give those? lame!). But then there's the Body Fantasies ads. These commercials get heavy rotation every December (in fact I'm not... Read more →

I'm Not A Survivor, But I Play One On TV

Ok, everybody MUST go read Television Without Pity's recaplet of last night's episode of Survivor, which was like, the best thing EVER. The full recap should be a hoot, since the recaplet includes the best sentence ever written about Burton. "He is seriously the tooliest tool that ever tooled." My god, that's literary genius. I won't even attempt to describe Burton after that. Jon? Hate him with every fiber of my being, which makes me hate him even more because he's not worth spending that kind of emotional energy on. My only hope is that after his 15 minutes as Johnny Fairplay/Rotten/Fuckface are up, he'll never get laid again because the entire female population has seen just how repulsive he really is. Lil? A self-righteous pipsqueak. I want her to go away. Darrah? No personality to speak of, and an annoying voice to boot. But three immunity wins in a row? Damn, don't mess with tiny Southern morticians, y'all. Sandra? Loved her at first, then not so much. Started out the ep on a low point by threatening to sabotage the camp in a babyish tantrum hissyfit. But how could you not root for the girl who gave us the... Read more →