One T-Junction Short of a Track

You know how some bloggers come back after a few days of not updating and talk about how BUSY, SO VERY BUSY they were, and you think, "I bet you were not really that busy." Well, I was not really that busy. The other half of Noah's train table finally arrived, as did a bunch of Thomas the Tank Engine recalls-in-the-making train sets. I should have known I was getting in over my head when I read the user reviews on Amazon...someone would complain that a certain piece had "two female ends" and thus wouldn't fit to form a circular... Read more →


Chuck Effing Cheese

Guess what! We went to Chuck E. Cheese yesterday. It went super well. Oh fine, Noah actually did have fun -- his own Noah-ish kind of fun; the kind that involves just sort of wandering around aimlessly and suspiciously, perhaps occasionally deigning to go down a slide.... Pausing, of course, to read the Toddler Zone Safety Guidelines on the wall first. Or to play with the boring toys that other kids ignore in favor of the ones with GIANT SMASHING HAMMER THINGS... Seek the tomb of a knight a pope interred? WTF? Or to watch the giant singing rat from... Read more →


Weekend: Horror Movie Edition

Molarball: The Return; or Just When You Thought It Was Safe To Eat SpaghettiOs Again Also known as Friday, the day Noah had a coughing/choking/hacking-lung fit right after lunch and projectile vomited a plate of pasta, half a cheddar cheese stick and an entire sippy cup of juice. And if you think this stuff looks gross coming from the bottle, just wait until you see it come BACK UP. Exorcist remakes, take note. We've got incoming molars, people. And we are just fucking THRILLED about it. Birthday Party: Part Two: The Planninging; or Take Your Fucking Theme And Shove It... Read more →


So You've Gone and Dropped Your iPhone in the Toilet: Some Handy Steps & Pointers

1) If you have not yet dropped your iPhone in the toilet, consider NOT dropping your iPhone in the toilet. This is a solid course of action, in my opinion, and one that can be easily achieved by not keeping your iPhone in your back pocket, unless your back pocket has a button, but if that's the case, you probably aren't cool enough to own an iPhone in the first place, no? If displacement of object x (where x = a fucking expensive phone) is forced by the downward velocity of object y (where y = your pants), object x... Read more →


Or: An Important Reminder Why I Should Probably Shut Up About Flight of the Conchords Already

So the first thing you need to know about going to see Rent on Broadway is that there is a crazy line before the show. It snakes around the block. It crowds the sidewalk and yes, all those people have tickets. As I mentioned on Friday, we actually saw Rent before, ages and ages ago. Probably the first cast after the original cast left. It was good. We clapped and I cried and then we got on with our lives. I don't believe there was a line. As we approached the theater Jason went pale. Jason hates lines. He hates... Read more →


Let's Go To the Zoo, Part Two

I tried to tell Bunny that the fucking zoo fucking sucks, but she didn't believe me. She'd been to the fucking zoo and had a perfectly lovely time, save for the somewhat chilly March weather (she's from California, and thinks we're all nuts for living on this coast, where your car gets snowed in and you have to wear jackets and whatever the hell). So I allowed myself to be talked into going back to the fucking zoo. We'd go during the week! In the morning! Noah is old enough now! The pandas aren't such a big fucking deal anymore!... Read more →


Blogzillas

Last night I attended my very first book-launch party. No, I did not write a book. Someone else wrote a book. And then someone else decided that inviting social dorkwad idiots like myself to the launch party was a good idea. (Bloggers. We're ruining ALL the best parties these days.) So. Let's recap the evening, shall we? 5:00 pm Okay. Jason will be home in a half hour to drive me to party. And pick up Bunny, who I am dragging as my plus-one. Plenty of time to put on pretty new dress, some makeup and pull hair into easy... Read more →


The Many Loves of Amalah, Part Fin

SO. I TAKE IT Y'ALL LIKE SEEING INDULGENT BABY PHOTOS AND SUCH, EH? AND SEVERAL OF YOU REQUESTED MORE? WELL, I WILL GIVE YOU MORE. BUT I WILL NOT STOP YELLING BECAUSE I AM AN OVERLY VERBAL THREE-YEAR-OLD WHO IS REALLY PISSED ABOUT SOMETHING. Specifically, many of you requested "mall bangs" photos. And really, I looked. But I could not find any mall bangs photos. This is not to say that I did not wear mall bangs, because I did, and lo, they were multi-layered and gravity-defying, but I just don't seem to have any photos of said bangs in... Read more →


The Many Loves of Amalah, Part Four

Read Parts One, Two and Three right heah. (Hmm, I’m starting to get into the realm where maybe I should consider making up names for these people. I mean, I know there are septeventy billion Joshes in the world, but I prefer not to get sued by the one out there who knows how to Google and maybe happens to be a big lawyer or something.) (Although I know for a fact that this Josh is not a big lawyer, because I know how to Google. But more on that later. Plus, Miss Doxie will be my lawyer and she... Read more →


The Many Loves of Amalah, Part Three

Or, Church Youth Groups Ruin Young Lives After seventh grade, you might say that I had it coming. A nice big cosmic slap of karmic retribution across my snooty little backside. In eighth grade, it came. My school lost its lease at the end of seventh grade. The public school district needed the building back. My school did not really have its act together and didn’t start looking for a new building until like, July. Not surprisingly, that didn’t work out too well and the school closed its doors. (Or, “the school did not reopen its doors” if I’d like... Read more →