Ha ha, look at me. I'm funny. WHAT THE WHAT THE FRESHEST OF HELLS NO NOT AGAIN JASON PLZ I AM BEGGING YOU OMG WHAT Touché, you ridiculous bastard. (FML! Hope everybody enjoys their holidays this weekend! I am frantically emailing teachers [so many teachers, holy shit] last-minute gift cards while pretending that was my plan all along and not because I forgot and then I have to go buy food for Christmas dinner and take Beau to the groomers and the kids to see Rogue One [MOST IMPORTANT] and yes, replace a tire on the minivan because there's a slow leak and I am a grown-up who is in charge of my car, my destiny and also my motherfucking foyer.) Read more →


The day has come, the assholes said. To talk of many things: Of ships, and shoes, and sealing wax, And Craiglist ads, and tires. (Okay that last line might need some work. Am simple drunk-ass blogger, not poet, after all.) But YES. The day has come, little walruses. TIREWATCH 2015 is officially over. Someone bought the tire. It's gone now. (Our last moment together, before Jason came to pick it up and/or it rolled right the fuck off the picnic bench like an ungrateful bastard.) We got one hundred dollahs for the tire. Worth it? Jason thinks so. The rest of the world who had to put up with this nonsense online might say otherwise. Bye Tire. I should have named you Felicia. This has been TIREWATCH 2015: THE TIRE WATCHENING, brought to you by your friendly neighborhood asshole who really, really hope none of the neighbors saw her posing a fucking tire at a picnic table and pouring it a glass of wine at 2:30 in the afternoon while giggling like an idiot because HA HA LOOK TIRE THINKS IT'S PEOPLE. Read more →


This post is sponsored by Adams™ Flea & Tick Control Products THINGS CEIBA NO LIKE: 1) MAILMAN 2) FOOD THAT IS NOT WAFFLES 3) CHILDREN WHO NO SHARE WAFFLES 4) WHEN CAT STEALS BEST SUNBEAM SPOT 5) FLEAS AND TICKS Things Max is not particularly a fan of: 1) Online meme-y catspeak that really demeans us all, if you think about it 2) Not being fed right this second 3) Or this second 4) Dog getting up in his face while he’s just trying to chill in a sunbeam 5) Fleas and ticks I remain neutral on the great sunbeam turf war but at least I’ve got them thoroughly covered on number 5, thanks to Adams™ Flea & Tick Control Products. Oh yeah. IT’S ON. While I can’t think of ANYTHING that ISN’T terrible about a flea infestation, I will say the WORST part is the re-infestation, right when you think you’ve got the situation under control. Or noticing the OTHER pet, who was just fine the first million times you checked, suddenly scratching like crazy. COME ON. We’ve been really pretty fortunate that our pets have stayed mostly pest-free, but I like to think it’s because we’re not idiots... Read more →


It happened! It really happened! You can now own an important piece of amalah.com history: The tire is for sale on Craigslist. Does anyone need a tire? This particular kind of tire? Is that a good price for a tire? Who knows! Who cares. Someone please come buy this stupid tire so I can finally stop doing stupid shit like this: This has been TIREWATCH 2015: THE TIREWATCHENING, brought to you by your friendly neighborhood assholes who literally filmed like seven different versions of this video with different sad songs playing in the background, ultimately proving once and for all that the tire is not even close to my biggest problem right now. IMPORTANT UPDATE, 1:49 p.m. In response to this post, Jason just sent me the following video: Funny. Very funny. You realize the entire neighborhood knows we're batshit crazy now, right? Read more →


Rainy drab days around here. Starting to feel a little sorry for the tire. He seems lonely. Or perhaps I am simply jealous that the tire is at least getting some peace and quiet and isn't trying to work while this is happening six inches from its laptop and also not pictured is all the SCREEEEEEAAAAAMMMMMINGGGGG: At least they're (mostly) wearing helmets? This has been TIREWATCH: THE TIREWATCHENING, brought to you by your friendly neighborhood assholes who are starting to project their encroaching sense of ennui on the tire, while also referring to the tire as a "he," and oh my God, school needs to start up again before I have a complete break from reality and move the tire into my foyer and like, put a decorative candle and a tray for my keys on top of it him. Read more →


The first great crisis of Spring Break 2015 is here and happening, and has the ranks thoroughly divided. A single Lego minifigure is missing. It is apparently a VERY IMPORTANT minifigure, because its status as lost has rendered Noah's entire Hero Factory collection useless, because he cannot play Hero Factory without this minifigure. They have told me this minifigure's name 14 billion times, but I still have no idea who or what they are talking about. I think it's red? According to Noah, the minifigure was last seen in Ike's possession. Ike maintains that he put it back in Noah's room where it belongs. Again, according to Noah, this is a damned dirty lie because he's looked "everywhere" in his room and it's not there. I remain neutral, because I'm pretty sure looking "everywhere" involved little more than standing in the center of the room and sort of idly glancing around, the way he also looks "everywhere" for his shoes, which are typically three feet away and in his direct line of sight. And yet also nowhere to be found! Strange, that. After more fruitless searching (at one point they attempted to use Ike like a search dog, making him... Read more →


I was out with Noah on Saturday morning when someone asked him if he was excited for Easter. Oh. Right! That. Uhh. (Geez, Easter Bunny. Get your shit together.) A quick trip to Target for some books and candy later, we were officially ready to half-ass this holiday. I don't think anybody minded. (And yes, I'm aware they all need haircuts. That was the original Saturday afternoon plan that got bumped for Easter shopping. Because I can only accomplish one thing a day because I AM NOT A TIME MANAGEMENT WIZARD.) (Nice bedroom slippers, Amy. Thanks for dressing up for the occasion.) ALSO, IMPORTANT TRUTHER MOMENT. If you follow my husband on Facebook/Instagram, you may notice that, despite regularly posting photos of/from our back deck, SOMETHING IS CONSISTENTLY MISSING: Yes. Good work on the container garden, husband! Looks really nice and organized. Shame I have access to your camera roll online though. NICE TRY WITH UR LIES. Starting to wonder, though: Are we really watching the tire, or is the tire watching us? This has been TIREWATCH 2015: THE TIREWATCHENING, brought to you by your friendly neighborhood assholes who didn't even bother dyeing real Easter eggs this year and who... Read more →


There Is a Tire at the End of This Post

So a small handful of people expressed concerns (or rather hopes, dreams) that this blog was the source of the Stress That Is Eating Amy's Skin Alive, and that I was perhaps vagueblogging about its imminent demise/shutdown. To which I say: Sorry, Internet. You're still not getting rid of this ol' dinosaur just yet. I mean, honestly, you guys are pretty great. You are funny and kind and also I SUPER APPRECIATE how understanding and engaged you've been with the recent uptick in sponsored posts. (Which wasn't exactly planned for, and I doubt will continue much longer; it's more a result of typical feast/famine on that sort of thing.) I will continue to post here as much as a can and to also do my best to make the sponsored stuff as amusing as possible, or at least seem like something I would write about regardless. (Speaking of: Attention winemakers of the world. I have upcoming sponsored posting spots available on my editorial calendar. Please to send me some alcohol.) (Ha ha ha "editorial calendar." Like this shitshow is that organized.) If anything, I still want to follow-through on that whole "posting/writing more" thing, even without the ads/sponsorships/whatever. Those sure... Read more →


Question: Have you ever gotten to a point where you are so thoroughly stressed out that you wake up every morning covered in a rash? And then you become convinced that the rash is from bedbugs, but bedbugs that exist ONLY on your side of the bed and ONLY bite you, and then you get even more stressed out and stop sleeping because GAAAAHHHH bedbugs and also persistent, recurring anxiety dreams. And then during the day you're basically a sleep-deprived anxiety zombie whose hands shake uncontrollably every time you think about all the things that are making you feel so overwhelmed, to the point that you can barely even type or hold a pen or apply topical ointment to your super-attractive stress rash? Yeah, me neither. (But I can confirm that no, we most definitely do not have bedbugs. So that's a plus.) Anyway. Changes afoot, big decisions to ponder. Necessary and positive changes, obviously, to address everything going on in that first big run-sentence-laden paragraph up there. I'm still trying to decide what and and when to get into specifics, though, and I'm sorry about that. (No, not pregnant. No, not divorcing. No, not signing up for fucking Pinterest... Read more →