Having a Great Time, Wish You (and Everybody Else in the World) Were Here

We're here. I am more than a little concerned that this place is far too good to be true, and that it is all a dream, perhaps some kind of hallucination after I had a psychotic break in the hallway outside customs in the Montego Bay airport, because our flight ran out of immigration forms at row 27, and all five us were in row 31, and thus had to fill out all five forms while sitting on the floor of a long narrow hallway, loose passports and children and backpacks spread all over the place, trying to fill in the correct information but we were rushing too much and kept making mistakes, like putting Ezra's passport number on Ike's custom form because the baby photos on their passports look too much alike. And then everybody had to go pee at different times and Jason kept missing signature fields and like, three extra flights arrived and lined up while we were still stuck in that hallway and ARGLE BLARGLE GAH GAH GAH WE ARE NEVER GETTING OUT OF HERE EEEEEEEEEEEEE. Of course, we did get out of there, eventually. We emerged exhausted and frustrated and annoyed at everything and remained... Read more →

T-Minus a Bunch of Hours or Something

We leave for Jamaica tomorrow morning. Which: NO COMPLAINTS. I SWEAR. I AM TOTALLY CHECKING MY VACATION PRIVILEGE. But our packing and final preparations are complicated slightly by the fact that Jason is currently in Ohio, and won't be back until very late tonight. So it's pretty much all on me. Which is all but guaranteed to end super badly. I'd make a joke about somebody not having any underwear but underwear is far too obvious of a thing to forget, plus I've checked everybody's underwear stash already and it's all good and there. Which means the thing I've forgotten is probably even worse, like pants, or all of my clothing. So not much time for dicking around here today — I've pre-written a nice stash of Advice Smackdowns, so if you were concerned about missing a day's worth of questionable advice, don't worry about it. I've got you and your terrible life choices covered. But I need to finish packing, care for my children, and talk Ezra down from the ledge he's climbed over what he should put in his backpack. I was thinking everybody could bring their best bedtime stuffed toy(s), some doodling notebooks/crayons and maybe a small... Read more →

The Art of the To-Do List, Amalah Style

1) Ike's third birthday is on Sunday a) HOLY CRAP WHAT b) Buy Ike's birthday present Figure out what he is even talking about when he says he wants a "pirate treasure" for his birthday, then buy whatever the hell it is, provided it is not, in fact, an actual pirate treasure because I'm trying to keep things under like, twenty bucks. c) Make a cake or cupcakes or maybe just thaw out a couple of those banana muffins I made last week that he seemed to really dig. d) Clean the house before family descends on us tomorrow and judges the filth. e) Finish Ike's birthday video, cry about it, post about it, gaaahhh maaahhh baby is gonnnne 2) Next week is insane a) Two different preschool "graduation" ceremonies that I don't dare skip b) End of preschool year picnic c) Wait, once preschool's over my children will, like, be here in the house with me? All day? All the time? That doesn't seem right. d) Noah's field day e) One last IEP meeting to finalize next year's code and plan, during which I should probably sack up and admit to his teachers that Noah will be missing the... Read more →

Happy Souvenirs & Fruit-Flavored Memories

I came here to post something happy and exciting and now I'm crying. Dang it, eyeballs! Long story short, and let's just get the justified feelings of jelusbitchpants out of the way: We're going back to Jamaica next month. Back to Bluefields Bay Villas. We went there four years ago, had the most unbelievable time, I blogged about it, and afterwards a whole bunch of you guys also decided to go there (and were nice enough to mention that you found them through my blog). I've stayed in touch with the owners off and on, and they've always been super-nice and open to the idea of us returning, but I always felt weird about specifically asking, like I was being grabby and inviting myself, until finally they called me and were like, "YO. STOP BEING A DORK. HOW'S THIS JUNE?" EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEOMGGGGG. So that happened, but that's not why I'm crying. After we settled on dates and I booked our flight (full disclosure: Bluefields is covering the all-inclusive accommodations, we pay for our airfare, I receive no additional monetary compensation for posting, and everything I choose to post is my own and not being reviewed or influenced, yadda yadda), I asked... Read more →

We're Home! Now I Need A Vacation.

Greetings from slightly-more-than-halfway-through Spring Break 2014, which shall forever be known as the time I decided it would be a good idea to go back to Colonial Williamsburg for a couple (non-sponsored, on our own dime) days. Despite what you may have read elsewhere, let me assure you that attendance levels at Colonial Williamsburg are JUST FINE, BORDERING ON BEYOND BONKERS right now. Since our last trip was solidly in the low season, we arrived with a false sense of confidence and at a distinct disadvantage to everyone else, who showed up with things like "plans" and "dinner reservations" and "the ability to actually look at and read the map, rather than just sort of walking to where you generally remembered things happening last time, even though everything was moved around to accommodate bigger crowds." (And on Tuesday, when it rained all day, you can add "ponchos" and "more than one goddamn umbrella" to that list.) (And on Wednesday, when the temperature dropped like, 40 degrees, add "coats for Mom and Dad, who both potentially caught their respective deaths.") We did arrive with an inordinate amount of attitude and sass, however. (The oversized hipster sunglasses are some conference swag Jason... Read more →


I left for California on Thursday, by the way, although it hardly seems worth mentioning, since I'm back already. I spent about 36 hours in San Diego; it rained for approximately 34 of them; I left my hotel room maybe three whole times. One of those times was to speak to a room of about 50 pregnant or breastfeeding moms about the current state of mommyblogging, during which I am sure I came across as some kind of dinosaur, smacking my gums together while talking about Teh Olde Days, back before ads or sponsored posts or Twitter or Instagram or Amazon drones or whatnot. IN MY DAY, WE DIDN'T EVEN CALL THEM BLOGS. WE WROTE IN OUR ONLINE JOURNALS. SOMETIMES WE POSTED WISH LISTS AND SENT EACH OTHER BOOKS. BOOKS THAT WERE MADE OF PAPER, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE. About 15 minutes before I was scheduled to speak, I got a text from Jason: shit Noah had a half day This was...not news to me. This was...not supposed to be news to Jason, either, as we'd had several discussions about the day's logistics before I left. I texted back. Yes? Why? There was no response, which was not exactly reassuring, especially... Read more →

Great Storch Family Tornado of Destruction Summer Tour 2013 Photo Recapalooza

So. The beach. The beeeeeach! We got back on Saturday and it already feels like a hojillion years ago. Okay, maybe not that long. Just a lot longer than four piddly little days, though. But you know me. It's all zero to hyperbole, all the time. I didn't really plan to go the full week without posting; it just sort of happened. I realized I've blogged daily or at least semi-regularly through every single vacation or trip I've taken for the past 10 years and decided that I was tired of doing that. Though to be fair, I would not have taken quite a few of those trips if it hadn't been for this here double-u-double-u-dot-website-thing. I have not completely misplaced my gratitude, by any means, it's more like my posting fingers came down with a heady case of laziness and a slight laptop allergy. Besides, there was so much to DO besides sit on the couch — a rather uncomfortable wicker couch with craft-store-foam cushions covered in that same nautical striped fabric that every beach rental in the world has, along with the same seashell accessories and ocean-y sayings all over the place. Did you know that an ocean... Read more →

Great Storch Family Tornado of Destruction Summer Tour 2013

For some unfathomable, completely mysterious reason, we were...not...invited back for a visit with Jason's great-aunt and uncle at the beach this summer. I guess the Great Storch Family Tornado of Destruction Summer Tour 2012 was just too rockin' out. Too radical to the max. Some peeps just can't hang with our flow, our awesomeness, or our overall uncanny resemblance to a traveling mosh pit full of pointy toddlers. So we're going it alone this year. Our usual beach house partners in crime couldn't make it either, thanks to "work" and "no time off" or possibly "DEAR GOD YOU HAVE SO MANY CHILDREN TO KEEP TRACK OF." This means 1) there will probably be a lot less late-night kitchen experiments involving reheated Velveeta, and 2) I have to remember to pack everything myself, since I'll have no one to bum forgotten essentials from. That shouldn't be a big deal but let's all remember who we're talking about here. Last year I forgot washcloths and feminine products. The year before I forgot pillowcases and food. Obviously, there are things like "stores" and "stuff" at the beach, but I try to make it a point not to go to "stores" and "stuff" with... Read more →

The Search for George Washington

This post is sponsored by Colonial Williamsburg. Book your stay at colonialwilliamsburg.com Whenever I take my children someplace new, I learn something new about them. You'd think I'd remember this and take them to new places more regularly, but instead I tend to overthink trips and destinations and convince myself that no, they're not old enough for that place or well-behaved enough for that one. I get bogged down in logistics (car? train? hotel? packing? gaaaaah?) and completely underestimate my kids' capacity to find something fun about...well, pretty much any place on earth. This past weekend I learned that Noah is quite the fan of George Washington. I had no idea. He ran up to every single costumed person and asked them if they knew George Washington. He chased after several older men on the off chance they were George Washington, only to be more than a little deflated to learn that they were not. I can't lie: At one point there were tears. TEARS. He wanted to meet George Washington that badly. Ezra, on the other hand... ...was much easier to please. (Though that still didn't stop Jason from spoiling him rotten at the gift shop, with a COMPLETELY... Read more →

This Hobbit Be Mobbin'

In spite of...all that happening, I really had a terrifically wonderful time in Vegas. Jason and I successfully and repeatedly committed a good six out of the seven deadly sins — save for wrath, I think. Never really felt too wrath-y, except for that one moment where I thought I overheard a pack of drunk guys calling me a "hobbit" on my crutches and I was all, "EXCUSE ME, ARE YOU SERIOUS?" And then they were all, "What? Nah! We said you were "mobbin' it" on those crutches cuz you were going so fast and shit." And then I was all, "Oh, okay, sorry. It's just been kind of a long day." And then they walked away and I was all, "Wait. Is "mobbin' it" even a thing? I am not sure that's a real thing." Anyway, I still do not know if "mobbin' it" is or is not, in fact, a thing you can do on crutches, but I am entirely too busy to look it up on Urban Dictionary because of the whole post-vacation home suitcases children email work KABLOOEYNESS. (Which you KNOW is actually a thing.) I am mostly off the crutches now and can walk pretty... Read more →