BlogHer 2012, Part One (Which Features Very Little About, You Know, BlogHer)

Oh. Hi. I went to Blogher. While there, I cry-talked about my boobs to Samantha Bee, threw a party, suffered a nervous breakdown about said party, smeared unicorn cake on the faces of friends and strangers, fell down the stairs at a Broadway theater, and then brought a life-sized Harry Potter cardboard stand-up home on the train like an idiot. This morning I woke up to the sound of Noah yelling, "STOP STARING AT ME!" at the cardboard stand-up. Then he punched it. It fell over. "HARRY POTTER, ARE YOU OKAY?" Ezra shouted. (I should mention this was all happening before the sun was up.) "HARRY POTTER IS OKAY," Ezra reported. Well, good. I guess? We are all good here too. I guess? I need a little bit more time to get my head and thoughts and photos in order, but here's one story from the very first day, which COULD HAVE been my last, because...well, you'll see: On Wednesday morning, Jason and I drove up to Pennsylvania to drop the boys off at their grandparents' house. Then we went immediately straight to the train station and finished the trip up to New York. When we got there, it was... Read more →


Things We Broke While On Vacation

1) The shower. Okay, first of all, you need to know something about our Ocean City vacations. We stay for free with Jason's great-aunt and great-uncle, who retired there. Who are very nice and gracious and welcoming, but also COMPLETELY KIND OF TERRIFYING. I mean, first, they're in-laws. Distant in-laws. That's baseline intimidating already. And all my in-laws have this quiet, measured, Germanic stoicism about them, which is the complete opposite of my family. We're a bunch of hand-talking Irish drunks with voice immodulation syndrome. Plus...well, they are very particular and set-in-their-ways and they keep their condo impeccably clean and organized, having mastered the "living in small quarters" thing to an enviable degree. And then we show up. And basically wreak havoc and disaster all over the damn place. Every year the amount of STUFF we have to lug there grows exponentially. Not surprising, given that every other year we seem to show up with a whole new family member in tow. More suitcases, more bags, more toddling towers of childproofing terror. Now with bonus lightsabering pool noodles! They like children, at least. And they especially like babies a whole lot. But they don't particularly like said babies and children... Read more →


Putt, Putt & Away

We're away AGAIN this week. Visiting family in Ocean City. I know, right? I don't really know what we're thinking, taking all these exhaustifying vacations and creating preshus childhood memories and crap. Speaking of which, the following photo is quite possibly the best representation of life with three children I have ever managed to take. And quite possibly just the greatest photo ever, flat-out: Not to oversell it, or anything. But come on. As sybdix commented (when I posted this on Instagram), this is life with three kids: Carrying one, helping another and trying not to step on the third. Yes, exactly. And any day when you manage to not drop and/or step on anyone is a raging success. The teaching/helping step is optional. Posting this week shall be light yet not-completely-non-existent. (But completely-over-hyphenated-as-per-usual.) I'm taking the week off from Mamapop, but don't let that stop you from reading all the other awesome stuff less-highly-overrated-than-me people are posting. (HYPHENS ARE THE NEW CAPS LOCK!) Oh, and my summer schedule at Alphamom is dropping down to one Advice Smackdown a week. Which is killing me because that column is like, the ONE PLACE ON EARTH where people occasionally seem to listen... Read more →


Places My Children Insisted They Were Not Tired

At the airport: On the plane: At the dinner table, night #1: At the lunch table, day #2: At the beach: At the beach: At the beach: On the bus back from De Palm Island (home of the water slides): (Not pictured: Ezra, Ike and Mama similarly tanked out in the back row.) At the dinner table, night #3: (TRIFECTA ACHIEVED.) In the crib: In the bed: (More photos at the Amalah's West blog here and here.) Read more →


Post-Vacashunzzzzzz

Oh. Hey. We went away there, for a few days. It did not suck. No. Babble and Westin hotels have been sending a few of us Babble Voices folk to various Westin resorts. They sent us to...Aruba. What the hell, right? We're such assholes. I hate us too, it's okay. I'll be writing about the trip at my Babble blog, of course, but also here, all uncompensated-like, because we took approximately four hundred thousand photos and the campaign at Babble is only five posts, and that means I might not force quite enough of the Internet to stare at my vacation photos. And that just goes against everything I believe in, frankly. First, though, is this little problem: That's roughly the amount of dirty laundry a family of five accumulates during a five-day vacation. That's also the amount of dirty laundry I would currently be tackling if the airline had not lost that particular black suitcase right there, which was our designated Dirty Gross Laundry suitcase. I suppose I should be thankful for the temporary respite from the Dirty Gross Laundry...the suitcase HAS been located, after all, and is currently en route home from an extended layover in Atlanta...but I... Read more →


Firemen! Kittens! Tequila! Oh My!

Hey! So anybody remember that little trip I took up to New York City, the one I wasn't allowed to tell you anything about at the time? And a few of you kept occasionally asking me just what in sam hill that was all about and I ignored you until y'all just gave up and stopped asking, because I WILL BREAK YOUR SPIRIT AND YOUR ATTENTION SPAN? Anybody? No? Excellent! Perfect time to bring it back up, then. So after all the secrecy and embargos and hush-hushness about it, I am thrilled to report that I have been cast as Marilyn Monroe in a new Broadway musicaHA HA JUST KIDDING. No, actually I went up to watch a commercial being filmed. A tequila commercial. Now, yes. Tequila and I have had a rocky relationship. We broke up in college and I've occasionally tried to make it work, we've been on but mostly off, because I KNOW tequila can be kind of a jerk but...he's so pretty! And tasty! And he goes so well with tacos! And so I allowed myself to be once again be seduced by the handsome rogue of tequila and convinced to run off and spend the... Read more →


The Beach House, So Far

A few Instragram favorites...apologies if you already saw these on Twitter, but you know. I'll post something more new-ish tomorrow. Right now I have to go see a couple boys about a sandcastle. Read more →


BlogHer Part One But Not Really

God, isn't BlogHer just the worst? First, we all bore our readers with ZOMG I'M GOING TO BLOGHER posts. Then we go to BlogHer and don't post anything because we're so busy and crazy or can't get on the hotel wifi or are basically, just drunk as shit the whole time. Then we come home and don't post anything because we're so tired out from BlogHer. Or if we do post anything, it's all, "ZOMG I'M SO TIRED FROM BLOGHER." And then followed by some random crappy photos we took with our phone that don't make any sense because you totally had to be there and stuff. Ugh. I hate when bloggers do that. *** This is a photo I took of my roommate taking a photo of the leftover room service cart full of half-eaten breakfast items that we pushed in of Jason Mayo and TwoBusy's room across the hall from ours. Because. I don't know. WE HAD TO. The morning after Sparklecorn. Still covered in eye makeup, glitter, unicorn tattoos and a vague sense that I embarassed myself and future generations in a wide variety of ways, the least of which was climbing on a table and taking... Read more →


And Then Suddenly, BlogHer!

OH RIGHT THAT. I leave tomorrow. I am not packed. I am not caught up with any of my deadlines for later in the week. I am undeniably sick with a cold and woke up this morning to an Attack Of The Eyebrow Zits, Like WTF I Never Get Eyebrow Zits But IT SURE DOES FIGURE. I am currently calling my hair salon every hour on the hour to inquire about cancellations because my roots are visible from space and my color has faded to a drab strawberry blonde that does not look particularly good on me, although it sure does coordinate with the zits around my eyebrow. (!!!!ZITSWTFBBQ!!!!) Yesterday I spent -- no exaggeration -- five solid hours on the phone attempting to rectify an emergency posters situation for Friday night's legendary BlogHer/MamaPop Sparklecorn shindig, as in we had no posters because of a communication kerfluffle, and I needed to order so many posters that my online shopping cart was crashing AllPosters.com. That's a crapton of posters, you guys. So five hours, it took to manually order each and every poster over the phone. Five hours of qualifying to a sales rep named Allison that yeah, okay, yes, I... Read more →


Like Sand In A Swim Diaper...

So. We're going to the beach tomorrow. I have been quietly and not-so-quietly freaking out about this trip for months now. Two adults. Three children. One challenging five year old. One tempestuous two year old. One BABY. Five days. Two boobs, one minivan, 156 miles, three hours, two bedrooms, one bathroom, seventeen million pounds of luggage and not nearly enough bottles of wine. Right now I'm packing. I'm kind of like this: There's just so much crap to drag along now, and it's up to me to remember every last bit of it, because Jason likes to pack as if we're heading for a stint on Survivor instead of comfy family vacation. A bathing suit and some rice! A toothbrush! Sunscreen if you're fancy! If I asked Noah to pack for the beach he'd toss one shoe, two red t-shirts and 500 Lego pieces into a suitcase and call it a day. Ezra might stick with the task a little longer, but would probably pack a lot of plastic food, a dozen stuffed animals and an outgrown Halloween costume. And don't tell Ike, but he's pretty much the most useless one of them all. God. So I'm here ping-ponging around... Read more →