DORK ALERT. The Gnome recommended the cheese plate, but I wasn't convinced that would be cheesy enough. So...fake pose time! Also, for the record: MoMA is at 11 West 53rd Street, in case you find yourself at the mercy of the one cab driver in Manhattan who has apparently never heard of the Museum of Modern Art and attempts to drop you off a couple blocks away instead. "I'm pretty sure that's it," he said, pointing at a random storefront. "I'm pretty sure that's a Duane Reade," I said. I was right, but we got out of the cab anyway, because after pulling up MoMA's website to track down the exact address, I learned that it was closed on Tuesdays, and thus, yesterday. Because we excel at planning. Or this was just another attempt by the universe to save us from our excruciating lameness, since we decided to go to the museum in the first place to specifically see an exhibition about kitchen cabinets. And today, provided we are not foiled by Snowmaicesleetcapocalyptico 2011 or whatever the weather is doing outside right now (I have not looked out the window yet, our hotel room is still a dark closed-up tomb... Read more →


Gnome Encounters

Oh, hi there. FROM NEW YORK CITY! *awkwardly makes some imprecise hand gesture that I'm not sure actually means anything* Jason and I have escaped the clutches of our germ-encrusted children for a little getaway this week, where we can expose ourselves to culture and an entirely new city's worth of viruses and bacteria. Especially since it is, according to some very reputable cab drivers we've spoken to, approximately negative 57 degrees outside and you are risking iciclehood just by walking outside. We arrived yesterday. So far we've: 1) Learned about the effect of cold weather on Amtrak trains, which seems to be similar to the effect of snow, ice, rain, electrical storms, wind, understaffing, overcrowding and/or cows standing around on the track. In other words: DELAYS. LOTS OF 'EM. 3) Checked into hotel. 4) Stripped hotel bed and inspected for bedbugs. 5) Found no bedbugs. 6) Ate $8 container of hotel Pringles. 7) Took a nap. 8) Had dinner with my sister and brother-in-law. 9) Bought $1.77 replacement for hotel Pringles at drugstore. 10) Slept some damn more. Today should be every bit as exciting. And more! We're actually here with a little help from Travelocity for NYC Restaurant... Read more →


This story requires some background. In fact, I'd say this story is probably a good 95% background. This is the kind of story I would submit to my creative writing professor in college and get back with the words YES, AND....???? scrawled after the ending because the denouement was basically me running out of time at library that morning and then pretending that the unsatisfying, abrupt ending was ON PURPOSE, like even the WHOLE POINT, god, nobody GETS ME, it was DEEP and SOCIALLY-COMMENTATING-Y. Anyway! It is true, I was very misunderstood. Now let's all move on and pretend that this is a vaguely accurate rendering of the great state of Pennsylvania: If you believe the original boundary-deciding people all had raging meth habits, I think it kind of works. Now, I spent the first 19 years or so of my life in this general part of Pennsylvania: Basically, if you picture New Jersey as the head and shoulders of some old dude in profile (AND I BET YOU DO NOW), I grew up tucked directly under his chin. Jason also spent a good chunk of his adolescence in the same area, only in the town where M. Night Shyamalan... Read more →


Oh, hi. I'm at BlogHer. It's exhausting. It's awesome. I just had to get talked off a ledge by a really nice lady in the Hilton Package Room, who cheerfully looked at her computer and was all, "Yes, we have three packages waiting for you." And I was like, 'THREE? THAT'S IT? OH SHIT. OH SHIT." And then I yanked out my laptop to show three dozen or so Sparklecorn-related delivery confirmations like, "BUT I HAVE EVIDENCE! LOOK AT ALL THESE FIREFOX TABS!" And then she assured me that you know what? Their computer system is kind of shit. Everything is there, after all. As usual, BlogHer is bigger than ever, sponsor-y-er than ever, and more overwhelming than ever. I had one of those panicked moments yesterday when I resorting to Fake Texting on my phone in a hallway just to mask my sudden terror at realizing that there was no one around who I knew, or who knew me, or who seemed relatively open to small talk with a stranger, and I didn't really have anywhere in particular to be and Twitter's gone Fail Whale and OH WOW I FEEL CONSPICUOUS AND AWKWARD. So I pretended to tap on... Read more →


I am feeling much better today, thank you. Not so much better, mind you, that I am capable of delivering a super-coherent blog entry or anything. I've yet to venture beyond Saltines, white rice and strawberry Jell-O, which means the best I can do for you today are some semi-deranged blood-sugary bullet points. Aren't you excited NOW. 1. Remember the tree that fell down after The Tornado That Apparently Happened While We Were In The Mall? This is what it looks like today: IT'S ALIVE!!!! No, actually, it's really not. A crew came by last week, hacked off all the branches, removed a couple of smaller trees that this one had taken out on the way down, and then just...propped it back up. And left it. You can still see the separation all around it on the ground, like a giant Christmas tree skirt, the only indication that this tree is NOT ACTUALLY ATTACHED TO ANYTHING, like it used to be. You know, like it was on the day it BLEW THE FUCK OVER. Things That Could Possibly Go Very Wrong Here: a) Another storm. b) Another EARTHQUAKE. c) Some goddamned wind. d) Passing texting/drunk/mascara-applying drivers and/or bicyclists. e) Birds.... Read more →


The beach. The beach is what up. Just FYI. Point the first: My children -- my lousy, wretched, terrible children -- have insisted on waking up at 6:30 am every morning of this mini-vacation, and for that I am ready to...uh...I don't even know what I'm ready to do to them, I'M TOO TIRED FOR RETRIBUTION. Point the second: Shovels. Shovels as big as toddlers. Madness! Point the third: We're smuggling about half the beach home in our children's thigh rolls and underwear pockets. Don't tell anyone. Point the fourth: We're leaving today, so I better get back out there with my big-ass shovel. Read more →


22 Hours in Philly

So. Yeah. That was fun. Those of you on the Twitthing already know, and probably feel like you know too much. But for everybody else: I got sick. Like, really terribly embarrassingly, what-do-you-MEAN-I-have-to-ride-in-an-elevator-to-get-to-a-bathroom sick. (Over the weekend, Ezra had one of those mysterious out-of-nowhere barfing incidents, where he just puked up an entire meal and then went on with his life just fine. Flash to 72 hours or so later, and INCUBATION COMPLETE! FULL ADULT-SIZED VIRUS MORPH ACHIEVED! NOW IS THE TIME TO DIE!) So. Yeah. I woke up yesterday feeling...not great, but not terrible. A little off. I blamed a shitty night of sleep, since I woke up multiple times convinced that I'd overslept and missed my 8:30 am presentation, only to look at the clock and see that, no, it's 3:15 am, jackass, simmer down. I tried to eat a bagel and just...couldn't. I blamed this on the fact that it just wasn't a very good bagel, ignoring even more signs that my body was getting ready to revolt. (I would make a terrible protagonist in a Dan Brown novel, don't you think?) The rest of the morning was a blur -- the first session went okay, even... Read more →


So...I'm leaving in just a couple hours on an honest-to-God business trip, with a suitcase and everything, like a fancy business woman, who regularly gets asked to speak at social media conferences. Social media! Have you heard about this shit yet? I think it might turn into something one of these days. The Hulk, probably, or that thing from Cloverfield. But no lie, I'm going to be at immunize.org's Social Media Summit in Philly, co-paneling sessions about...blogs. And Facebook. Mostly on a pretty basic level, which, THANK GOODNESS, because otherwise I will run out of web-related expertise in the first 10 minutes. Still, though. I should probably write down some notes, or at least make sure Facebook hasn't reset my password or something. "And this is the login screen! All you do is...wait, fuck, hang on." The funny thing is that public speaking doesn't phase me in the slightest. Speaking in front of a room full of people, riffing about topics that I may have just a smidge more than a passing knowledge of? Cake! Pie! Bring it! Meanwhile: TRAVEL. OMFG. WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE. So I am currently channeling all my copious amounts on anxiety onto an... Read more →


Oh, so hey. Remember when we went on that awesome vacation? Way over a month ago? Yes, that. I finally went through our photos and uploaded 100 or so of my favorites to Flickr. We took 700 photos, by the way. Each frolic on the beach or dip in the pool necessitated at least 150 near-identical shots of the children, apparently. It's like we planned to create an Our Vacation Flip Book when we got back, lest we forget a single precious arm movement. Anyway, you can view the set here. Don't everybody rush over at once. Also, if you're thinking about taking a trip to Bluefields, here's the deal: 15% rate reduction with $100 spa credit for new full-week reservations with rental dates between now and November 1, 2010. Code is AMALAH. Go to their reservations page, or call (202) 232-4010 or vacations@bluefieldsvillas.com. Yay! Read more →


On the first day of our vacation, I took Noah to the beach. Just us. Jason was putting out one last work fire. Ezra was...well, he was eating, having already figured out that 1) all the food here was delicious, and 2) he could get into the kitchen via an always-open back door, and that there was ALWAYS someone in there cooking something, and they were ALWAYS happy to give him a taste, like an over-eager puppy begging for scraps. So Noah and I went to the beach. I might as well have taken him to the dentist, because he did not want to go to the beach, because of the ocean. He did not want to go near the ocean. He did not want to look at the ocean or hear the ocean. NO OCEAN. He stood as far back on the sand as he possibly could, practically climbing up a wall of rocks in his bare feet, adamant about the NO OCEAN part. The ocean in Jamaica is not like the ocean here, which knocked Noah over two summers ago and he has refused to go near since. (He holds a mean grudge, I've learned.) It's calm, shallow.... Read more →