The Wednesday Redirect Smackdown!

Hey! Kids! The Wednesday Advice Smackdown is up over yonder at Alpha Mom.

The Alpha Child, seen here being raised in captivity.

And there's actual original content that will probably include a lot of bad words coming to this very site later today.*

*No warranty is implied by use of the word "today." Today is void where prohibited and your mileage may vary. The author of this site takes a very subjective view on the definition of "today," because to hold the word "today" to some kind of set block of hours would be attempting to define time itself. It would also be incredibly insensitive to our overseas audience if we were to automatically assume "today" fell into a North American time zone. And it would not take into consideration the unpredictable sleep habits of the average eight-month-old human or the fact that the author of this site is a lazy, lazy bitch.

The Wednesday Advice Smackdown!

Live! And in person!

(Also, Snarkywood is back from the near-dead, featuring the bleeding eye sockets of Chloe Sevigny, appropriately enough.)

Wednesday Advice Smackdown Special Thursday Edition

Reason #47549234 Why IKEA Is Out To Destroy Me: This morning, as I went to retrieve my keys from our adorable PAVO cabinet (I painted it purple! I am so craftsy!), the little dowel-like knob thing went flying through the air and landed in places unknown. After crawling around on the floor for some time, cursing IKEA and dust bunnies and this job that makes me leaving the fucking house in the first place, like do they not understand what a damn challenge that is, I gave up and attempted to open the key cabinet without the knob.

MOTHER OF GOD, IT WOULD NOT OPEN. IT WOULD NOT SURRENDER MY KEYS. I used my fingers, a pen and a fork in an attempt to jar the stupid thing open, while thinking that hey! What I could really use to open this thing would be a nice, pointy key! Fuck you!

I finally yanked the whole cabinet off the wall and shook it violently until my keys came unhooked and blew the door open from the inside. My keys are Jack Bauer, apparently.

Then I collected my keys, baby and bag (more on THAT later, grr) and stepped outside, only to accidentally kick the rogue knob (which had rolled UNDER my front door and out onto the stairwell landing) down the stairs, where it bounced and bobbed down TWO FLIGHTS before I found it and stompily took it back upstairs, unlocked my front door and hurled it blindly into the living room, where I will deal with it LATER.

So. Who has a question for me? Preferably one that lets me yell a lot?

Dearest Amalah,

I'm in need of some really really good advice. Firstly, i have medium-length and layered hair. Naturally, my hair is frizzy and wavy. Put together 'layered' and 'frizzy', and what you get is volume. Now what i would like to have is frizz-free hair and soft, natural, separated waves. I think I want to use Bed Head, but I'm still not sure which product to use. Either Small Talk or Hard to Get...but which one of them will give me the desired result?

Now, Small Talk de-frizzes hair and also gives hold. But it also gives volume, and I don't want that. As for Hard to Get, it gives texture and separation, but I assume it does not de-frizz hair. So what do you think I should use? Team up Control Freak and Hard to get?? Thanks in advance.

Avanti

P.S I don't want to use the Catwalk mousse coz i want 'soft, natural' curls.

You do not want Small Talk OR Hard to Get. Small Talk is mostly for thickifying and volumizing, and yes, "thickifying" is totally a word, shut up. Hard to Get is a finishing paste, more along the lines of a pomade, and is to be used very, very sparingly. It also does nothing for curls.

You do want to use a Catwalk product, but yay! It's not a mousse. It's the Curls Rock Curls Booster, and it's a lightweight spray that defrizzes and defines curls. Spray it on wet hair before using a diffuser, or spray it on dry hair and scrunch.

If you've got extra-stubborn frizz, add in the Curls Rock Leave-In Moisturizer, which further defrizzes and defines, but has the added benefit of a detangler. And if you're one of the curly-haired girls who doesn't like to shampoo your hair every day, but finds that your hair is a little dry on the second day, this is the stuff to use.

And while we're on the subject of curly hair, a lot of people asked me how I got my hair to do the thing it is doing in this entry, since I actually have very straight, fine hair. So I will tell you, because I am feeling chatty and helpy.

Two products that will change the life of every faux-wavy-hair girl out there: Bumble & Bumble Surf Spray and Catwalk Frisky Scrunching Gel. Oh, my lands.

First, I blow-dry my hair straight with a wide, flat paddle brush, lifting at the roots. Then I take a medium-sized and very hot curling iron and wrap small pieces of hair around the ENTIRE iron. Don't open up the...thing you usually open. You know. Wrap your hair and hold the ends as close to the iron as you can without burning your fingers. Let set for a bit and then pull the iron away. This creates, in the words of my beloved hairdresser, the "modern ringlet." Instead of fluffy poodle curls you get hair that's just kind of wavy and bent.

Do as many of these as your arms can stand and then lightly spray one of the two products I mentioned earlier all over. Scrunch. You're done.

The Bumble & Bumble product is better for this look, in my opinion, but it's pricey, and if you've got oily hair it probably adds more build-up and "grit" (the whole idea is that it makes your hair kind of beachy and salty) than you want. In that case, go with the gel.

Obviously? Not so much of an everyday look. I only attempt this when we're going out, and even then I usually end up with an abbreviated version because I sort of have a baby who may be more important than my hair. I know!

(Cagey? I so wanted to do my hair all pretty like this for our lunch, but I never got around to it because MY child threw his tantrum at home. But just so you know, you are Curling Iron Worthy, at least in theory.)

Amalah, love -

I am going nuts. A year ago I decided to stop playing Happy Hippie and started actually getting my hair cut and styled. I've kept it pretty short, shoulders or above, but I got very tired of that and so I have begin growing it out. This is not going well. I have thickish, wavy (I live in Texas, so translate "wavy" to "ball of frizz") hair that is now to my shoulders, more or less. It's gotten better since I started following your advice on shampooing roots, conditioning ends, but that kind of also points out that There Is More To Be Done. But what?

I think I need real bangs, but I'm not sure. I think I need better de-frizzing products. I know I need to trim off the ends. And for sure I need a new style while I'm growing it out that won't make me want to just pull this all into a ponytail (because I have heard awful stories about constant ponytails and one's hairline and oh my god I don't want to go bald heeeeeeeeeeeeeeelp!). Can you guide a girl who doesn't know what to do with misbehaving hair that badly needs a great style? I enclose a picture that should never see the light of day because it is hiiiiiiiideeeeeous.

You will be my heroine forever if you can help me nail down the final steps to lovely hair.

Lissa
 

(Am I still your heroine if I give you advice like, six months after you asked for it? No? Yeah, didn't think so.)

Part the first: As usual, you are being too hard on yourself. Your hair looks healthy and not frizzy at all. So yay for that.

Part the second: Um. I just poked around your site and your Flickr photos and saw that you got bangs. Which...well, that was kind of my advice. You needed bangs, and now you have them, and I like them very much. Also your rack, but that's another matter altogether and I am NOT bitching about breastfeeding today, no I am not.

Anyway, I have no idea if you still have any problems regarding frizz, but I will say this: anyone who has a problem with frizz should start by adding a weekly deep-conditioning treatment and a good leave-in conditioner before moving on to specific anti-frizz styling products. I like the Alterna Caviar and Bumble & Bumble Deeep conditioners and the Catwalk Fast-Fixx leave-in spray. You may still need something extra, or you may be like me, who used to goop lots of anti-frizz stuff in her hair before starting the deep conditioner/leave-in conditioner regimen and discovered that oh! Not so frizzy after all! Just thirsty.

Dearest Amalah,

My dear friend has been with her man for three years. I have never particularly cared for him, but of course, she doesn't know that. I liked him even less when he tried to pick up my roommate, not realizing that I knew her and heard all about the transgression. His girlfriend never found out. That was a year and a half ago, but last week, I found his profile on My Space, billing himself as "single," and I accessed several of his flirty and suggestive communications with semi-nude internet girlies. Like I said, I've never trusted this guy. I'd like to tell my best friend, but will she take my word over his? Also, she's been through a lot lately--when is the appropriate time to bring this up? Internet hookups are on the road to cheat-dom, am I correct? If you could help me out, that would sort of make my life complete. Many thanks.

Laura

Oh, the never-ending dilemma over Whether To Get Involved Or Not.

While it's entirely subjective and on a case-by-case basis, I am generally in favor of Getting Involved whenever cheating is, well, involved.

Because I would want to know. First, because I would be furious if my friends let me be made a fool of by some cheating dickweed, and secondly, because HELLO, diseases and shit.

Think about it: if she's been with this guy for three years, there's a good chance that they are no longer using condoms. And if he's out there trying to pick up random girls (in real life, not just online), there's also a good chance that he's succeeded. And while I may be making sweeping generalizations here, people who cheat don't usually have their partner's sexual health at the top of their priority list.

Plus, you're her friend.  You did the right thing not going to her with the general "I just don't like him" business, because if that was all you had on this guy, I'd tell you to keep your mouth shut. But you have a MySpace profile and other online evidence, and dude, she needs to know. It sucks and she may shoot the messenger first, but you have to let her know.

Send her his profile and the stuff you found. Keep quiet about the roommate thing, for now anyway.  Let her deal with one thing at a time.

Oh, and from my own personal experience with Getting Involved When Your Friend Is Dating A Lying Cheating Jerkwad, be prepared: She might forgive him. She might get mad at you. Be patient though, because six months later she might find some damning evidence of her own, like say, HIS STASH OF GLOW-IN-THE-DARK CONDOMS, belatedly kick his ass to the curb and then email you an apology, because damn.

Hey now! That story wasn't appropriate for children!

Dear Amalah,

Last March I went to Texas with Habitat for Humanity to build houses for people who wanted houses. Saintly, right? Except I abused my body in the worst possible way by forgetting to apply sunscreen until the second day, and by that time, the damage had been done. To this day, both shoulders are pink and wrinkly-looking and bear brown spots.

(Here's a note to tell you that I just pulled on the collar of my turtleneck--without closing the door to my office--to verify that my shoulder description was on target. Also, I considered taking pictures in order to give you crystal-clear visual but realized that sending you images of my bare skin just might cause you to take back your original e-mail.)

On May 12 of this year, I will finally get myself married. I am wearing a strapless dress once again and have no intention of tanning. The shoulders, they need to look good for the close-ups. Can you recommend anything?

Frema

Okay, one day I am just going to write an advice column that reads like this:

Sephora.com. The end.

Sephora's website has semi-customized product recommendations to go with every goddamn problem you can think of.

Look!

Just click on your problem, answer some questions, and ta-da! A nice line-up of products appears, and yeah, I'm sure they're paid placements, but they really help narrow down the overwhelming list of skincare options out there, and in most cases, give you confidence to find a cheaper alternative.

I think the type of product you need is somewhere in the Body: Uneven Skintone & Texture section. (There's also the Body: Loss of Elasticity section if your shoulders are honest-to-God wrinkly, but I'm guessing that's probably just an illusion created by the sunspots.)

Unfortunately, I have not personally tried any of the products Sephora recommends there. I've never heard of the most expensive option (MD Skincare), the Dermadoctor product certainly SOUNDS promising, and the Peter Thomas Roth product contains jojoba beads, which I can vouch for: those suckers polish and moisturize like nobody's business. I think the Fresh and the Sephora products are load of nice-smelling crap and wouldn't do a thing for you.

So! I am getting very tired and kind of confused about what I was talking about!

If you feel like splurging, go for one of the Sephora recommendations. But I personally would recommend going here and buying a bottle of their ($10!!) Body & Face Spa Polish, and then making an appointment with a dermatologist.

That polish also contains jojoba beads, just like the expensive scrubs, and I've actually used it. The site is run by our own Amalah.com commenter LotionBarBunny, who totally sold me on their very cool $7 lotion bars and then sent me a slew of free samples along with my order, because she rocks and was probably hoping I'd plug her site. And I am, because it really, truly is great stuff, and you cannot beat the prices. The shea butter fucking CURED Noah's baby eczema in two applications, and the spa polish is the first scrub I've been able to use since Noah's birth that evened out my red, splotchy skin tone on my face and upper arms.

(Edited to add, because the link keeps going wonky, that her rep number is 7227.)

Highly recommended, although I am equally serious about the dermatologist appointment to see what advice he or she might be able to offer.

Here's some advice for you: How about you get me off the damn ground already?

And now, Dear Internet, I come to YOU with my own dilemma.

Since my fall, I've been trying to streamline the amount of crap I carry in every day.  Behold, the shit I lug around:

Bag #1, the Daycare Bag: three or four bottles of formula, ice pack, container of cereal, spoon, some bibs and an extra outfit.

Bag #2, the Breastpump Bag: an Avent Isis pump and two containers.

Bag #3, the Purse: wallet, phone, hairbrush, powder, lipgloss, other assorted pursey things.

And on days when I run errands or meet friends after work? Bag #1 becomes a full-on diaper bag, with wipes and diapers and burp cloths and toys.

So here's my problem: I really, really only want to carry one bag. I know I can do it.

My regular diaper bag doesn't work because it only has one internal pocket for a bottle, and it's not even insulated. It's totally a nursing mother's bag, is what I've discovered. Also, it's impossible to keep shit organized in it. His bottles would sink to the bottom and probably leak, there's a key ring but no place for a wallet, and honestly, it's way bigger than what I need or feel like dragging into the office everyday.

Jason's diaper bag is super awesome and functional, but a backpack looks kind of dumb with my suits and heels and stuff.

Thus, I've been using this:

 

Y'all, I got that bag for FREE from the hospital. It is nylon. It is shapeless. It is from the makers of Similac and has a damn plastic bear dangling off a zipper. It offends me on many levels.

But the inside has a pocket for four bottles and an icepack. It's lined in plastic for easy clean-up. It has lots of pockets on the outside to keep my lipgloss and cellphone handy. It's not huge.

But God. It's ugly. And it makes me kind of sad.

So I need a bag. Yet I have no time to hunt for a bag. So I am asking the Internet to go shopping for me.

(I know y'all are bored! I see you refreshing!)

So, today's challenge: Try to find a cute, small-to-mid-sized diaper bag that does not really look like a diaper bag for under $100. Under $50 would be heaven. Under $25 might make me want to marry you. It must hold everything I've mentioned, bonus points if there's room for diapers and wipes and super-gonzo-bonus points if it has wicked organizational features. And I plan to carry this to WORK too, so nothing Winnie the Pooh or whatever the fuck else.

Although I don't care what kind of material it is or who makes it. Just...you know...cute.

And no plastic teddy bears. GAH.

Wednesday Advice Smackdown

To anyone who witnessed my late-night freak-out in yesterday's comments section: Noah does not have the chicken pox. He has a little cold (goddangdingdamndaycare) and a poorly-timed, yet ultimately unrelated rash. He is also teething, and this angers him greatly, so he screamed for SIX HOURS last night, well past my bedtime, so I got a little bleary-eyed and paranoid and turned a couple little red bumps on his elbow into OH MY GOD, A POX IS ON THEE.

And me, since as I've mentioned before, I never had the chicken pox and learned when I was pregnant that the vaccine I got seven years ago has worn off completely. And I can't get re-vaccinated until I completely quit with this delusional breastfeeding thing I do. So...stay away from kids! Kids with rashes!

Anyway, I was wrong and insane, just like I asked you to pray for. Not that there should have been much of a doubt about my insanity.

To wit:

I can't get up! But I can poop the minute you zip this thing up, so there.

Aw. I'm fairly mean.

ANYWAY. LET'S DO A SMACKDOWN. FEATURED THIS WEEK, QUESTIONS I RECEIVED BACK IN JULY.

JUUUULLLLYYYY.

What are the odds that any of these people are still reading? I would say none-to-nonexistent.

Dear Oh Wise Amalah,

We're closing in on 2 years of infertility and am transferring, well, not all, but a lot, of my baby-longing towards the idea of getting a dog. But my husband is being very annoying and pointing out that no one's home 11 hours a day and I? Am La. Zy. I promise to walk the poor thing, three times a day and more on weekends, Dad, I swear! But the truth is, I probably won't, and he knows it.

But....I want something to snuggle. Cats aren't possible, he's allergic. I think you went through something similar when you got Ceiba. How did you finally win him over? Is there any hope for me, or should I give up and start treating my stuffed dog like it is real? And then be ostracized as the Crazy Lady in the Neighborhood dragging my stuffed dog around on a least?

Thanks,
Jamila

Jason caved and agreed to get a dog because he was sick of all the weeping. Yes.

Well, it's a little more complicated than that, but yes, Ceiba is our Obligatory Infertility Dog, adopted right when we were feeling especially beaten down and hopeless. We'd just failed spectacularly with Clomid four straight months in a row and were learning that a unfortunate side effect of this relatively mild fertility drug is that it MAKES AMY LOSE HER DAMN MIND. Like split from reality, even Tom Cruise is tossing starter packs of Zoloft at her and backing slowly out of the room brand crazy.

And I weepily told Jason that I wanted a dog. Max is great and cuddly and all, but...too low maintenance to be a real substitute baby, if that makes any sense. Plus a dog would be something new and shiny and would get me outside on long walks where I might actually talk with people and maybe realize that I would not automatically die if I left the house sometimes.

And Jason said that yes, we should get a dog. And a dog, we did get, and lo, she is SUCH A PAIN IN THE ASS.

We love her to death, don't get me wrong. She's our baby girl and we try to do right by her. But it's tough, since we don't have a fenced yard and have to walk her and she's gotten very poorly socialized in the wake of her broken leg confinement, and as a result she HAAAATES strangers and needs to be retrained. (Although I won't lie, I find her aggressive grandstanding hilarious, because it's such an IMPOTENT FURY. Like a pissed-off ferret.)

But Ceiba saved my life last fall, and that's not an exaggeration. She brought Jason and I closer together and calmed me down and is just SO CONFUSED about who Noah is and why I don't let her lick his puke. And who knows, maybe focusing my energies on her had something to do with the mysterious and against-all-odds "natural" ovulation that allowed me to conceive Noah without the aid of Clomid or an IUI (our next step in the baby quest).

But...you both need to want a dog. They are a huge responsibility and a lot of work. Just like...a baby! How about that. 

So I guess I don't really have any actual advice. Which is why this question sat in my Inbox for months while I scratched my head and tried to think of a way to say that yes, dogs are really great but also huge pains so be really really sure you want one and will still want one once you have the baby but dogs ARE great practice for babies but they don't magically walk themselves and need less attention once there's an infant in the house.

Huh. I guess I just said what I thought. Although maybe I'll add that you could also consider getting a bunny or one of those weird hairless cats instead, you know, for the litter-box benefit.

(Ceiba used a litter box for a few weeks. It did...not really work out too well.)

Rat Dog On Linoleum, circa October 2004

I have 12-year-old boy hair and I'm a girl. Of nearly 25. Stupid hair cuttery. I wanted a pixie cut; the lady gave me the same haircut I see on preteen boys everywhere. Including the fade up the side. Now, this was a few weeks ago, and it's now starting to grow, but now it looks all WEIRD and SHAGGY. I want it to grow, and be longlonglong, because I'm tired of looking like the lead singer from Weezer, but I don't know what to do with it in the interim stage. So...hmm? Any ideas?

Heather

Well. Considering poor Heather wrote this question back in, again, JULY, I'm guessing her hair is well on its way out of Bad-pixie-cutville and hopefully looking more respectable. But I will answer this question anyway, for the annals of history.

1) Pixie cuts? Are very difficult to pull off. And about 75% of the women who request them should...not.

2) THEREFORE: A pixie cut at the Hair Cuttery? Not to pile on with what you already know, but please stand still while I throw bottles of Pantene at you for a minute.

3) ERGO: The only solutions to a bad haircut are:

    a) Get a better haircut.
    b) Buy hats.

I've gotten bad haircuts. I've gotten bad haircuts topped with bad at-home dye jobs followed by another bad haircut to cut as much of the bad at-home dye job off as possible. This is why I own Coach crusher hats and an adorable little beret. And maybe a straw cowboy hat that SHUT UP, I look totally cute in it.

A pixie cut is hard to correct immediately after because...well, there's just not much left to work with. So while you wait, you can mess around with funky styling products like fibers and pomades and try to find a workable look, or you can wear a hat.

But regardless, you get yourself a good stylist. GOOD. Non-discount-chain good. And you start seeing him or her every six to eight weeks to shape and trim your hair. Yes, it will be a long time before you have longlonglong hair again, but super-short hair left to just GROW, like unattended weeds?

Forget Weezer. Think Dudley Moore. GAH.

The boy, his hair came out of the womb looking this good.

Amalah,

I need some advice about my working wardrobe.  I'm starting a business where I will be going into people's homes to provide computer support.  What would be appropriate to wear so that I look:  professional, but not matronly; friendly, but not like I'm there to clean the garage; knowledgeable, but not [too] geek-like?

To add to my dilemma, I'm a woman who is 5'11", so I don't want to emphasize my already intimidating height.  (My target market is senior citizens, who tend to be short.  Why is that, btw?  Why don't you ever see a really tall old lady?)  I really am quite nice and harmless, but at this height, it can be hard to project that "I'm not going to hurt you" image.  Also, since I may have to actually crawl around on the floor to reach all those computer wires, I obviously have to wear pants.

I've thought that khaki pants with a nice-ish polo shirt or something would be acceptable (although boring), but then I saw that horrible Merry Maids commercial featuring the two khaki-clad maids merrily dancing around with their vacuum cleaners and whooping it up, and I vowed to never let khaki near my body again.  (Maybe I'm being too extreme?)

I generally can manage to clothe myself adequately, if not super-stylishly, for most occasions, but this has got me a bit stumped.  I'd like to be at least a WEE bit stylish!

Thanks for any advice, except the kind like my mother offers, which would involve polyester.

Pam

While yes, it's really not the best look, a polo shirt and khakis have sort of become the uniform of professionals of the non-suit-wearing variety who still don't want to wear jeans. It's acceptable for casual Friday and trade show booth staffers and IT workers who spend a lot of time crawling around on the floor to make sure your Internet connection is even PLUGGED THE FUCK IN, YOU MORON, CHECK THAT NEXT TIME YOU PAGE ME.

Most old people would think you are extremely lovely and non-scary if you show up wearing neatly pressed khakis and a tucked-in polo shirt. Most young people would just think you're wearing a work uniform, particularly if you get your company's logo stiched on your shirt. (Which is a great way to beg absolution for wearing something you otherwise wouldn't. "See the logo? It's for work! Not a conscientious fashion choice here!")

It's also a very low-maintenance look, what with the no dry cleaning and the easy ironing.

Although I hear you. Boring. And those Merry Maids scare me with their zest for vacuuming and blindingly white sneakers.

But...I generally don't get too worked up about my own work wardrobe. I have to wear suits. And hose. And heels. And blah, whatever. I buy perfectly acceptable suits and maybe dress them up with a cute top and I try to keep my shoes sort-of fashionable, but I am not killing myself to make a bold statement at an office where I am bound to a dress code that bugs me, because why do I have to wear a suit? We have no clients! We publish things! We have websites! No one cares about my appropriate hosiery!

So here's what I would wear, if I were you: yes, some type of easy-iron, non-dry-clean-only khakis. I mean, jeans are just not professional, black pants will be a lint-and-other-people's-pet-hair NIGHTMARE, skirts are out, so...yup, khakis are it.  But I'd try to find a flattering lower-waist cut with NO FRONT PLEATS, MY LORD and a boot-cut leg. Try the Gap, which makes pants just for the tall girls, and curvy girls, and short girls, and even the pregnant girls, THANK GOD.

(Whoa, really doling out the little-known shopping secrets here, aren't I?)

High-waisted chinos with pleats and tapered legs are NOT your friend. They are not anyone's friend. They should die and go to hell. Or JC Penneys.

As for a top, I'd wear a slim-fit polo. You know, the girlie style that you don't really need to tuck in. Like Lacoste, or Ralph Lauren. (And places like American Eagle and Gap will have cheaper versions, of course.) It's preppy and neat without being the total IT geek cliche style polo.

Also nice: a button-front collared shirt, especially with the three-quarter-length sleeves.

Oh, and no white sneakers. You buy cute leather flats. They should match your nice leather belt. And you're done. Basic, a little boring but absolutely not scary to any little old people, who will at least be a good regular reminder to take your calcium every day, tall pretty girl.

Also recommended: houndstooth with owl socks.

Dear Wise and Compassionate Queen Amalah,

I have a little issue at work, and I thought you, in your infinite wisdom and knowyness might have some valuable advice for me. See, I have this corker, who is generally nice, and trained me very well when I joined the team and all, and everything seemed good and happy. As time went on and I learned more and took on more responsibility, she...stopped working. Then, I did mostly everything. Eventually, my lovely supervisor (I mean that, she's great) had a talk with the slacker, and instead of things changing, she became petulant, whiny, and given to making excuses for anything and everything while giving everyone puppydog eyes and acting kind of beaten down. Very "poor me" with passive-aggressive baloney mixed in.

So, management has been dealing with the situation, and either she will take care of business, or eventually she'll be gone. That's fine. In the meantime, she's suddenly started to try to bribe me, I think, mostly with food and Starbucks. I like food and Starbucks, don't get me wrong, but she's making me really uncomfortable - I don't want these things from her. We have to all be friendly, as my team consists of only four people, and we all depend on each other, so I really can't just come out and tell her to cut it out. She won't take no for an answer; in fact she rebuffs it with a declaration that we are "friends."

She is 25 years my senior, acts like a child, and I have never, ever, indicated that we were more than congenial coworkers. She's ridiculously sensitive, so telling her that splitting her lunch with me gives me the heebies will result in major fallout. Thank you for any advice, even though I don't think I've adequately expressed the weirdness of this coworker and her food gifts.

Pea

(I bet you good cash money that this woman's ass has been canned since Pea sent me this question, but since I am determined to get to every question possible and not get distracted by new shiny ones coming in [the question queue is closed, by the way], I will answer this question anyway, and Pea is free to tell me that I am completely useless in the comments section.)

Obviously there's a lot more going on than just unwanted food and coffees here: this woman is useless, she's dragging your team down and it's obvious that she's trying to get an "in" with you because friends don't fire friends, or because she wants someone to wallow in the whole put-upon-ness pity routine she's got going on. "See what a nice person I am? Can you believe how they treat me? Tell me you can't believe how they treat me, because I am nice."

It's sad. You know it's sad. You've correctly called a bribe a spade here, or something.

The whole "she's a big baby and I want nothing to do with her" business is one issue, because you can't force management to get off the pot and fire her already, and with a four-person team there's not much room to just hit the big old IGNORE button in the meantime. It sucks, but...it's work, and I think every office has someone like this -- someone who makes you want to punch yourself in the damn face -- and this is why God created the half-price happy hour special.

Which leaves us with trying to solve the whole "No thanks, I'm not really thinkin' Arby's" business.

I'm trying to envision the exchange here -- does she go out and buy lunch that you didn't order, or is she cutting her tuna fish sandwich in half and forcing it on you? Is she saying, "Hey, I'm off to Starbucks, can I bring you something?" Or just showing up, white chocolate mocha in hand?

If she's just showing up with Starbucks, it's annoying, but there's not much you can do, other than say you aren't drinking caffeine or only take skim milk or whatever. But that would probably only work for one day, and she'd pull the puppy-dog eyes because SHE IS YOUR FRIEND, YOU SHOULD TELL HER THESE THINGS.

It's like when Krispy Kremes show up at my office. I don't really want donuts, I really don't need donuts, but...I eat the donuts. But I don't bring in donuts to reciprocate. Because...well, I didn't ask for the donuts, and honestly, the last thing this office needs is more donuts. So take the coffee, assert that she really shouldn't have done it, but thank you, and be done with it. Don't feel guilty about not bringing her coffee ever, because...you didn't ask for the coffee, and it will just further fuel Ms.CrazyPants' belief that you are friends.

As for the sharing of the lunch? Or buying you lunch? I can see why that skeeves you out. A cup of coffee is a friendly gesture, but lunch? Thanks, I've got my own. And that's just what you've got to say. Bring your lunch from home every day, even if it kills you.

When she offers food, pull out your little brown bag and say NO THANK YOU. If she insists and puts food on your desk, tell her that seriously, you packed a generous lunch and you just aren't going to eat that, and hand it back. If she refuses, just leave it on your desk and then put it back on her desk at the first possible occasion, with another firm, "Thank you, but I'm full, and this will just go to waste."

If she's going out and buying you a sandwich that you didn't ask for, try to beat her to the punch and go buy your own lunch -- and only YOUR lunch.

And of course, you can try countering the passive-aggressiveness with your own: you're on a diet, you've developed a food allergy, you've become irrationally particular about food, blah blah blah, but...

In the end, it comes down to saying no. You have to frame it nicely because it's work, but...no.

I don't want your stupid food! Your stupid food is stupid and I stick my tongue out at your stupid food!

The Advice Smackdown question queue is CLOSED. New questions are no longer being accepted, as I still didn't answer the remaining July questions, and then there's August, and September, and months after that, and I really suck, so here, have another baby picture to distract you from the suckage.

What? We're very proud of his tongue-sticking-out skills. We are looking into getting him a scholarship in smartassery.

Wednesday Advice Smackdown

Dear Internet.

Re: the whole Cease & Desist thing. We're done. Over it. Move on. Now go eat a damn sandwich.

Love,

The Foodarazzi

Anyway, how's about an Advice Smackdown? Remember those? Weren't they sort of amusing once, a long long time ago?

(Be honest: Do y'all really like the Smackdown? Are you just sending in all these questions to humor me? Would you be sad if it went away or is the whole thing just cutting into your baby picture crack habit?)

(By the way, the Noah photo essays are, apparently, a "trainwreck." The Internet is so nice! And so full of people with very rich and rewarding hobbies.)

(Yeah, I took the link down because I think they just orgasmed all over themselves with glee and ego over the little flurry of traffic they got, so they went apeshit with the personal attacks on me and my "e-cock" or whatever. I...don't really get what I ever did to these people, so I'm just going to back away from the whole thing verrry slowly. Wow.)

Anyway, use the comments section to vote for either 1) Save Our Smackdown, or 2) Kill It Dead Please, for the Love of Bacon.

Dear All-Knowing Amalah, Mother to Quite Possibly the Most Beautiful Baby in All the Land,

Winter reeks havoc on my skin! My t-zone gets so dry, and thanks to being raised by a hippie mother I am clueless when it comes to all things makeup and skin related. Can you give a poor girl some guidance and point me in the direction of a good moderately priced moisturizer?

Kate

Hmm. The key here is what, exactly, you consider to be "moderately priced."

Moisturizers can be obscenely expensive, falling just short of anti-aging treatments on the cosmetic price scale. I use Ahava moisturizers (the Matifying Moisturizer for oily skin, to be exact), and at $28, it's money well spent for my tempermental, combination skin.

If it's just your t-zone that's dry (and your cheeks and neck are okay), then I'd suggest you try their basic moisturizer for normal to dry skin. It's also $28, but I swear, it will last a very long time. Ahava makes thick, creamy and almost-concentrated moisturizers that require a light touch.

I have a friend who swears by the "very dry" version, which costs $42. Her skin would actually crack and flake in the winter, and she STILL buys me the occasional martini as a thank-you for telling her about the Ahava line two years ago.

Considering most of the high quality (read: non-drugstore) moisturizers at Sephora average between $35 and $50 (and go all the way up to $570, holy mother of crap), I think $28 can qualify as moderately priced.

Of course, for the cash-strapped among us, there's always Cetaphil. Wonderful, miraculous Cetaphil. I'll use the cleanser in the winter when my skin gets raw or chapped (and on Noah's tush), and while I don't think it has the same staying power as a "real" moisturizer (your face may re-dryify itself by lunchtime), it's super gentle and best of all: super cheap.

Readers? Any suggestions to fill in the price gap between $6 and $28?

Hi Amy-        

I saw today a piece on tabloid tv regarding the resurgence of the headband.  All the stars are doing it, should I?

Melissa S.
Martinsburg, WV

I will not lie: some girls look so totally gosh-danged adorable wearing headbands.

Unfortunately, I am not one of them.

Even more unfortunately, I refuse to accept this and will still occasionally buy a headband and (even worse) attempt to wear it.

It does not end well, because I usually spot my reflection in a store window or something and realize that oh my GOD, I look like an MORON and I yank off the headband and shove it in my purse and then I'm left with a  headband dent in my hair the rest of the day.

So if you want to try a headband, you have my blessing, but I advise you to be really, really comfortable with your headband so you don't change your mind five minutes after leaving the house because it only takes five minutes to achieve a permanent headband dent.

Dear Amalah,

I came across your site by accident one day last winter, when blogging was still, to me, something that they mentioned on CNN once in a while, and since then I've been hooked.  I absolutely love it! (and had a very sad moment when I realized that I had, indeed, read every archived entry, and had no more that I could use to distract me while waiting for an update...)

I started looking at your blogroll and started reading a few of the links there, too.  And now I think I'd like to expand my horizons even further...But I don't know exactly how one goes about finding interesting blogs, if you know what I mean.  So, how did you find all the blogs that you like to read?? Also, I would like to find some in other languages because I am really geeky that way (well, German, since that is my other language, and maybe French as well, since it would probably help me improve...), and while I realize that you might not be able to give personal recommendations, I thought you might have general ideas of how to go about looking, or your readers might have some ideas...

Thanks so much!
Lena

Ha. One of the first questions I get from people after they find out about my website (and yes, I have someone in my life who calls it a blob too, and I am so jealous of Dooce's new masthead because I was TOTALLY going to do something blobbery like that, only more ugly probably, and now I can't, and this sentence has gone on just long enough), is usually along the lines of, "So...how do people...find your website? Like, search engines?"

No, only people who are searching for "damn flour beetles kill die hate" find me through search engines.

Most people find me through other blogs. But this confuses the questioner even more, because how do people find THOSE blogs?

It's like the chicken or the egg thing, except that here, it's just a really bored person with a high-speed internet connection at work who came first.

I find blogs to read by visiting the blogrolls of blogs I already read. Like, my links page lists sites that I read and have followed for awhile and with a few exceptions (type a cough cough), they all update regularly and are basically my reading recommendations to y'all.

I also have an unlisted blogroll that I keep in my browser: it's mostly made up of my regular commenters' blogs and other sites I've just found and maybe even a trainwreck or two.

There are blog "directories" that list blogs in other countries and languages, but personally I've never found a site I'm really interested in through one. They're kind of like the blog yellow pages, while I prefer to let my reading list evolve organically through friendly recommendations.

So keep visiting the recommendations of bloggers that you already read, and pretty soon you'll have a list of sites so long you will never get anything done ever again and will basically be chained to the Internet 24 hours a day.

And to speed that prcess up, let's go to the phones. Readers? Any good German or French blogs out there?

Okay listen, I have a couple more questions I want to answer and YES, I have baby pictures to include, but I left the camera at home and also I kind of have a job now. So I'm going to post this drivel now and let you get started with the recommendations and the Smackdown votes and the yelling at me for the lack of baby pictures, and then when I get home I will post the rest, I SWEAR.

Unless I forget! Ha!

Update! A Bazillion Hours Later!

I didn't forget, honest. It's just that at home there's a cranky hungry baby and cranky hungry cat and a dog that crapped on the carpet and no food and no clean dishes and then an Indian food delivery and the dog got out when the delivery guy got here and ran down the stairs yap yap yap yapping and got trapped in the trash room and I couldn't find her and I left the baby in his swing and the Indian food on the coffee table and the baby was screaming and the dog was howling and the cat got into the Indian food and is now puking all over the damn place.

But here are your baby pictures!

Hell, they're better than mopping up curried cat puke.

This one dates all the way back to CHRISTMAS, which was like, forever ago, and it's documenting Noah's first viewing of a Baby Einstein DVD, and my sister's not-super-impressed reaction to Baby Einstein, but HA HA, THIS IS HER FUTURE TOO, as she's having a baby boy in March.

(I ask you, does she look six months pregnant? NO. SHE DOES NOT. HATE.)

(Except not, because I am besides myself with excitement because Noah is going to have a little cousin and I get to scare the crap out of my big sister with the little-boys-pee-in-your-MOUTH stories.)

You know, Noah was a little surprised at how much attention the whole Buck's Fishing and Camping thing got yesterday, and hopes that his jaunty hunting cap does not cause similar controversy.

The Naked Turtle.

Feet! Big feet, by the way. Big feet that do not fit into any of those little twee socks anymore and since I haven't had time to go BABY SOCK SHOPPING, and yes, it will be a whole separate shopping trip, Noah is wearing some too-big socks that his Grandma bought (thinking he'd use them like, next year sometime), and he's all trash baby in daycare with the losing of socks left and right and yeah, I'm THISTHISCLOSE to wrapping ponytail holders around his ankles to keep his damn socks on.

Noah and Red Lion, seconds after Noah punched Red Lion DOWN, YO, and seconds before Noah barfed on Red Lion.

Poor Red Lion.

My boy, he is lovely.

And drooly.

Wednesday Advice Smackdown

Hey Amalah,

So how is that two-month-old Amazon baby of yours scaring the shit out of you today?

Also, get a haircut. GOD.

Love,
Amalah

Y'all! The child ROLLED THE FUCK OVER. WHEN I WAS NOT PRESENT, BECAUSE I AM NEGLECTFUL AND NEED MY COFFEE.

So Noah and I were hanging out in bed, watching The Price Is Right, which he loves, and I refuse to feel badly about that, because I make it educational, what with the prices and the capitalism, and we do this great little COME ON DOWN dance and ANYWAY, I AM NOT THE ONE ON TRIAL HERE.

So there was a commercial break, and I realized that I hadn't put kibble down for Ceiba yet, the poor downgraded baby, and also that I would like some coffee. So I left Noah squarely in the center of the bed and dashed downstairs to feed the dog and make a 30-second cup of pod coffee.

And lo, in that timeframe, the genius child had rolled over onto his tummy and was working VERY HARD on flipping back over again.

Am doomed. Doomed!

Anyway, let's take some of your questions before Noah learns to type and takes over this whole stupid operation.

Dearest Amalah,

Oh Queen of the Internet, who do I love thee? Let me count the ways!  First of all, I love your totally zany style of writing.  How is it possible you write for a financial publication?!  Second, I love that you have absolutely no shame about what you write up on your blog, even though you know your coworkers read it.  You are my hero!

So, Queen Bee, I do pretty please need your help.  I have recently been transplanted from New York City to Amsterdam.  I know, awesome right? I am loving it.  (And feel free to come visit!)   Here's the thing:  I am a 25 year old chick and this move was the result of a fairly big promotion for me.  Translation: I am scared as shit and need to keep my shit together!   I am a young chick in a world of middle aged paunch-bellied white business men.  Seriously, on a commuter flight to Helsinki (!) recently, I realized I was the only woman as well as the only person under 45 on the flight.  Europe is old school like that.

OK, I am getting around to my question I promise.  I did what I have to do:  I improved my posture, pared down my make-up to the essentials, upgraded my wardrobe with fabulous slacks, belts, buttoned shirts, business suits and heels.  I look awesome!  But I have one big glitch: my bag!  I carry a cute tiny laptop, but I still carry it in the damned free black Dell shoulder bag.   Ew, it is SO ugly!   And so... ordinary.  So Amalah dear, Lady With An Eye For Lovely Purses, could you help me find a professional women's tote that is polished, professional (but young, not stuffy!) functional, not too heavy, and all in all wonderful in all its soft touchable professional goodness? 

Also, what color should I get?  I often wear brown and pink-ish combos as well as black and purple/wine combinations.  Also - it needs to be able to hold 1 -2 manila paper files as well without crushing them.

And kisses to that delicious baby of yours!

Love,
Joke (YES that is my name, for Pete's sake, it's not pronounced like the noun ok!)

Well, there's certainly no shortage of lovely, lovely totes out there. A nice, classic leather bag would be your best bet -- super professional, timeless and it'll last damn near forever so you can justify a bit of a splurge.

You didn't mention a price range, although I'm assuming a Hermes Birkin bag is out of the question, and if I'm wrong about that, then I hate you, like I hate Rory Gilmore. Also, starving people. Christ.

(See? My extravagance does have limits. Although my judging does not.)

Obviously, my first choice is the Coach Hamptons Leather Business Tote. If your laptop is small and your folders are not legal-sized, this should be the right size. Not huge, definitely professional, and despite the stupidness of Coach's website, is available in a wine-colored leather that will go with both brown and black outfits. (Dark red, cream or other warm-colored leathers are the way to go if you're trying to find one bag to go with everything.)

If $398 is out of your budget, this bag (or similar versions from past seasons) is generally available at Coach outlets or, with a little patience, on eBay for about half that price.

And for a cheaper option, I think that the right person (i.e. one with a more eclectic professional wardrobe) could pull off carrying this fun tote from Lacoste. It's not leather, but it's cute and simple and would double as a good weekend or travel bag. Also: perfect for the klutzy girls among us who routinely spill their Starbucks on their handbags.

Which I have never done. No. Not ever.

(HA. MORE LIKE FOUR MILLION HUNDREDTY TIMES.)

More questions to come, but the baby is done recharging his scary, brilliant brain and is now awake and ready to terrify his mother some more.

Amalah,

I just broke up with my boyfriend of three years. I still love him but its obvious that we both want different things out of like and have different interests. The three years we were together we were on and off and this is the third and final time we're going our separate ways.  Over the last three years I've been to several colleges and now I am back home. It's hard to meet people in my one and only class (a nursing class at a community college)  because there are only five men who are older/not my type/and married. The problem is I've lost touch with the few and really good friends I had back home. I need advice on how to get out and get a life, meet new people, and get over the relationship that should have ended a long time ago.

Thanks for everything,
Anonymous

I always get a little twitchy when people send in questions about dating and breakups and whatnot, because I'm guessing they've missed the critical part of my biography where I've been with Jason since I was 19 years old, and pretty much decided that I was going to marry him by our second date. So all my dating experience is confined to high school and my freshmen semester of college -- hardly the most together and mature times in my life.

So my breakups tended to fall into one of the following categories:

1) I did the dumping, which meant I never really liked the guy anyway, but was just using him to make my best friend jealous and/or ensure a date to a formal function of some sort and/or he had a car and I needed a ride. When I broke up with him, I generally had someone new lined up, because I could not face life without a boyfriend, because life without a boyfriend was NOT WORTH LIVING and a clear sign that I was destined to DIE ALONE WITH TOO MANY CATS.

2) I was dumped, and usually in a relationship that was way, way past its expiration date anyway, but because life without a boyfriend was not worth living I stayed put and COMPLETELY LOST MY MIND when he dumped me. Like, I would cry all the time and even let him see me cry, because maybe he would take me back out of pity. Or I would stop eating and make sure he knew I'd stopped eating, because maybe he would take me back out of fear. Or I would take up with the first loser who showed any interest in me because maybe he would be jealous of me and my new loser, or something.

So my first advice would be to not do any of those things.

Overall, you sound like you have the right idea -- you know the relationship needed to end and while it's sad, you aren't in denial about it or trying to mash your life into a shape that would better fit into his.

One big glaring issue I have with your letter is that I think when you say you want to "meet people" you are really only interested in meeting people who are men. For example: Everybody in your nursing class is a person, and potentially a person you could be friends with and "get a life" with, but you're tossing the entire thing out as a viable social option because you've already sized up and rejected the five men in the room.

So are you really interested in a social life -- one with friends and new interests and independence -- or are you really just looking to meet a new guy to plug the big relationship hole?  Because the first one is easier, and healthier, and I find that people who get all desperate and attend clubs and activities for the express purpose of meeting someone to date are usually left disappointed because there's just this whole DESPERATION aspect to it all.

You know the types -- they show up at Habitat for Humanity or a young professionals association not really for the joy of being there or to "meet people" (OF BOTH SEXES), but with this not-so-secret agenda of sizing up every other attendee as a potential mate.

So listen -- even though you sound like you've got a handle on why the relationship ended and aren't holding onto any hopes of reconcilation, you've been through the wringer, emotionally speaking. Three years of an on-and-off relationship? Different schools and finally back at home? Those are tough things to deal with. Give yourself a break and throttle back on the "meeting people" anxiety and maybe try to find some girlfriends to go out dancing with.

Call those friends you've lost touch with and tell them you're back in town, how about catching up over a beer some night? Find a study partner in your class. Propose a happy hour. Head to the student union and look for some groups that interest you. (I spent a semester at a community college, and honestly? There were enough clubs and outings and events to rival the big universities.) Join a book club, attend a protest, do some volunteer work.

And you'll meet people, I promise. Just remember that those people don't all need to be cute boys.

More questions to come, but a certain cute boy in snowman jammies requires my attention.

Okay! Maybe not so much with the more questions thing.

Questions for future sure-to-be-similarly-truncated Smackdowns can be sent to advice@amalah.com.

(Please note that the question queue is...well, it's extremely long at this point. About two months-ish. So you may want to go elsewhere for your pertinent advice needs, like what to do if your hair is on fire.)

Wednesday Advice Smackdown

Oh Internet, I was so looking forward to the first Non-Sleep-Deprived Advice Smackdown today, as our sleeping-through-the-night streak was up to five glorious nights in a row, but alas, it is not to be.

Noah has a cold and so do I.

Now I get why I'm sick: I'm exhausted, I haven't eaten a full, hot meal in ages, and I have a 12-pound linebacker leeching calories and nutrients from me at every possible occasion.

On the other hand, I've damn near killed myself to pump precious precious antibodies into Noah every two to three hours for nine and a half weeks and yet the kid still can't fight off the first cold that floats his way.

I'm starting to feel like I have been seriously beaten with the short end of the breastfeeding stick.

Anyway, last night involved lots of tending to a hysterical little baby who couldn't breathe and not so much sleep.

(He's feeling just fine this morning, of course, while I'm warmed-over phlegm on toast.)

(And that's THIS week's version of the same "why my advice sucks" song and dance that I preface every Smackdown with, blah blah, cough cough.)

I have dutifully read your previous smackdowns on the subject of hair, but I still have problems because, as you might say, HATE. Like yours, my hair is long, straight, and oily, but I have learned to style it, and I often get compliments on it. I still have problems, though. Oh, yes.

The main difference twixt thy hair and mine is that I don't really battle split ends as long as I get regular trims. BUT MY SCALP. I have had dry, at-times flaky scalp since I was 16. At the time, I was wearing ugly-ass navy blazers to my uniform-enforcing school and the flaking HAD TO STOP, so I used dandruff shampoos. First Head and Shoulders, then the foul/foul-smelling Neutrogena Tar Shampoo, expensive ones, cheap ones, designer, knock-off, nothing helped. This made me think I had some sort of cancer and was going to die of Massive Scalp Arrest. I studied up and, unless I completely mis-read my own symptoms, I don't have life-threatening issues, just dryness.

Recently, I tried PureOlogy Hydrate conditioner which MINTY FRESH YUM. But it costs so much (boo for first home mortgages, and then yay, I guess) and it doesn't really help as a hair mask weekly for ten minutes like the salon pro claimed. I thought maybe stripping my scalp of yuck by massaging Pureology Purify shampoo on it a couple times per week would help, but nah. I'm currently using this Tea Tree Special Shampoo and Special Conditioner (distributed by Paul Mitchell, GAH) sometimes, but meh. The problem is that I currently reside in Maryland and my hair is SO FREAKING OILY here. Gross. Just gross. I have to wash it every day or the second day I have to pull it up and pretend it's hair spray holding my hairs back.

I have tried to listen to fashion mags and know-it-all advice columnists sent from HEAVEN but what can I do? More moisture? LO, I AM FRIGHTENED! Conditioner only on the ends? THE PAIN, THE FLAKITY-FLAKING! As long as it's been cleansed and moisturized with decent product, my scalp doesn't hurt, but then there's still the oil and weighed-downedness and occasional flaking. Most of all, I still have the dream of some product that makes my hair and myself happy and not at ALL-OUT WAR daily. So, Oh Good-Hair Guru, can I give peace a chance with a good product? And what if it's a technique or weekly regimen? And if it's not that, is it because I don't drink enough water or get some nutrient in my diet, or because I sometimes kick my cat in my sleep?

Desperate Near DC

Get thee to a dermatologist STAT. Oh my God.

Listen, your scalp is screaming for a prescription-strength, medicated product. Pain? Flaking with excess oil? You've got yourself a nice little fungal problem there, and no salon product is going to help that, and BOO to your hairdresser suggesting the Pureology product as a solution, because NO. Just NO.

You could try the over-the-counter version of Nizoral, if you haven't already, but since this is a problem you've struggled with for years, you might want to skip that and go for the prescription-strength version, or perhaps a prescription steriod lotion or hydrocortisone cream.

Will these make your hair pretty and fragrant? Hell no. They suck, and you may have to use them quite a bit until your scalp fully heals (twice a day even), but it'll be worth it in the end, I swear.

After a nice, intensive scalp treatment kills the infection (and that's what even regular dandruff is, so don't feel all gross and dirty -- it's not like lice or something you could have prevented), you can keep it at bay by using the OTC Nizoral once in awhile or a hot oil treatment. And avoid the heavy moisturizing shampoos and conditiors -- opt for a lightweight clarifying one.

I'm currently using Rusk Sensories Clarifying Shampoo and Calm 60 Second Hair Revive Conditioner and am happy with them both. They're very gentle on your scalp and hair, which makes them ideal for girls like us who MUST SHAMPOO EVERYDAY lest we look like bedraggled oil patches. Like I look today! Garrrgghhh.

Could you recommend a good line of make-up brushes that isn't ridiculously expensive? I'm particularly looking for a good blush brush, and a good powder brush.

Also, is there a way to search your site, because I think you've answered this question before....

And btw, Noah is beyond cute.  Seriously. I'm not just saying that so you'll answer my question. Because I don't like lying, and let's face it, not all babies are cute, no matter what nice people say.

Thanks,
Melissa

I have answered this before, and yeah, I'm really just too lazy to dump some code for a search bar into the sidebar, so I usually just use Google to find specific entries. Like "amalah makeup brush" or "amalah stupid dumbass moron."

A search for "amalah makeup brush" turned up this entry about Target's line of brushes by Sonia Kashuk.

A search for "amalah stupid dumbass moron" yields like, 300 results.

More questions to come, but now I must search those 300 results because I'm now oddly paranoid that other people are calling me a stupid dumbass moron.

Hello Amy!

Love your blog and your darling baby! What about 'Sheer Cover' the line that Leeza Gibbons and Melissa Gilbert hawk? It sounds good, too, yet, no way do I want to sign up for anything that keeps coming MONTHLY or whatever. Off to read comments to see if this is covered.

Thanks!!
--HD

As a rule, I stay away from anything that's hawked via infomercial -- ESPECIALLY cosmetics.

(Although I admit I HAVE bought some stuff from informercials, but it goes on my tile grout, not my face.)

(God, I love the cleaning product informercials. It's like a horror film with a porn movie ending: OH NO! DON'T POUR ENGINE GREASE ON THAT POOR LADY'S COUCH! I CAN'T LOOK! WAIT! IT'S TOTALLY CLEAN NOW! OH MY GOD! DO IT AGAIN! AGAIN!)

(Rinses sponge, lights cigarette, sighs contentedly.)

But! Makeup? I don't trust any product line that isn't sold in a store where I can go and sample it before I buy. Or anything without a simple return policy -- so I'm not paying double shipping and handling if I don't send it back within like, 48 hours.

Rule number two is to stay away from anything that costs $29.99 A MONTH, PLUS SHIPPING AND HANDLING, whether you actually need them to send you more stuff every month or not. Please. No one uses that much foundation in a month, except maybe for this lady.

And rule number three: Leeza Gibbons and Melissa Gilbert? Schwaa? Hardly the beauty icons of our age, no?

More questions to come, but I am now overcome with the desire to crack out my old school OxyClean and scrub my bathroom tile for awhile.

Amy:

Thanks so much for all the great links and recommendations on maternity clothes. I, too, drooled over the selection at Maternity 9 on the pike, and might have splurged a bit.  I'm closing in on 39 weeks, and looking ahead to days at home and attempts at nursing.  Do you wear nursing bras and/or clothes?  Are they worth the $$$.  I got a couple pairs of nursing pajamas from Motherwear, but frankly, the selection of clothes that allow for discreet nursing leave a lot to be desired.  And, my breasts have grown so much during my pregnancy, I'm cautious to buy nursing bras NOW for fear that they will be too small when my milk comes in. 

How did you handle this?  Thanks.  Love your site, love your writing and Noah is adorable.

Betty

(Note: Betty just submitted this question today, and I'm answering it because I hold a special place in my cold, tarry heart for 39-week pregnant women because it's the longest and most miserable week of their lives when there is little left to do except scan photos of radioactive cheese casseroles. Everybody else gets stuck in the Mysterious Black Hole Otherwise Known As The Wednesday Advice Smackdown Queue.)

The nursing pajamas are a good call -- I bought a nursing gown from Aimee and absolutely LIVED in it for the first couple weeks of Noah's life, until he pooped on it. Then I realized that I should probably wash it.

Other than that, I don't own any actual "nursing clothes." At home, I just yank my shirt up or wear a lot of cardigans and zip-up hoodies. And out in public...well, I've only nursed out in public twice because Noah is so laid back about eating these days. Boob or bottle, breastmilk or formula, he really doesn't give a damn, just long as I get SOME KIND OF FOOD SOURCE in his mouth within a few seconds of his initial demand.

The first public nursing experience was at the veterinarian's office, when Ceiba was getting follow-up X-rays on her poor Bionic Leg and they took a lot longer than I thought they would and Noah was SCREAAAAAAAAMING and I was in an exam room with this little window to the central pharmacy and all the pharmacy employees were looking through the window and commenting on the poor screaming baby and I finally could not take it anymore and cowered in the corner under a blanket and managed to get Noah latched on with minimal boob exposure.

The second time was just yesterday when I successfully (!) managed to attend a Reel Moms screening, but that probably doesn't count because it was dark and duh, it was just one big baby-feeding party in there.

You do need a couple nursing bras though -- they really are comfortable and convenient and blah -- but ignore everyone who says to buy them now.

I bought a couple cheap nursing bras from Target while I was still pregnant, and yeah, I completely guessed wrong on the size and ended up throwing them all away. (With the exception of a little nursing tank -- adore that one.) So honestly? Wear your sports bras at first until you can go and get properly fitted after your milk comes in.

I was lucky enough to get a coupon for 20% off at Sy-lene's in Chevy Chase from my lactation consultant, so I went there and got fitted and bought three nursing bras, and I have to say, I love them. They had pretty-ish ones with matching panties (and oh, how I hate that word, almost as much as "moist" and "blog," although if you put all three words together you get a fairly awesome name for a porn site) and without the coupon they were about the same price as your average bra at Victoria's Secret. Highly recommended, fine holiday fun.

For non-local readers, perhaps we could get some good online suggestions for nursing bras and brands in the comment section? Fire away, know-it-alls.

Good luck, and be prepared to wear these bras ALL THE DAMN TIME, EVEN TO BED, WHICH HOTT!

Also hott: colds, congestion and FIERY SORE THROATS FROM HELL. No more questions today. Ugh. Send your questions to advice@amalah.com and I will maybe answer them if I am not dead by next Wednesday. Send soup.

Wednesday Advice Smackdown

Today's Smackdown comes with a warning: The sleep deprivation thing has hit me SO MOTHERFUCKING HARD. Would you like to know how hard?

This hard: Yesterday I decided to go to one of those Reel Moms movie screenings. I decided to see Walk the Line. I decided to see it in Virginia.

Except: I did not correctly read the location of the theater and assumed it was playing at this one mall in Tyson's Corner called the Galleria.

Except: The mall I first went to? Was NOT the Galleria. So I got back in the car and drove to the Galleria.

Except: The Galleria does not even have a movie theater.

After another REALLY CONFUSED phone call to Jason, I asked him to look up the Reel Moms page on Lowe's website and tell me where in hell this fucking theater is, and hurry up, it's pouring down rain. And I may have cursed a little more than that, as I loaded the carseat back in the car and folded up the stroller for literally the FIFTH TIME IN A HALF HOUR.

The theater was not even in a mall. Why did I think it was in a mall? Well, because I was driving to the SUBURBS. All movie theaters are in malls in the suburbs, right? It's like, a zoning thing maybe?

No. Theater was somewhere else. I had two minutes to get there. And as I was making a very wrong and stupid left turn when I needed to go right, my phone rang again.

Jason: You know...Walk the Line isn't even PLAYING at that theater anyway.

Amy: WHAAAAAT.

Jason: Yeah, it's Yours, Mine & Ours.

Amy: FUCK THIS, I'm GOING HOME.

Now, Internet. I beg you. Go to this webpage and see how SO TOTALLY NOT COMPLICATED THIS WAS. Theater names, addresses and even a PICTURE of the MOVIE THAT IS PLAYING. Do you see anything about the Tyson's Galleria? Do you even SEE THE WORD GALLERIA ON THAT PAGE?

You do not, because I was hallucinating the whole blessed thing.

Jason: Why didn't you just go to Georgetown? It was definitely playing in Georgetown.

Amy: (wails, is totally lost in the suburbs) I DON'T KNOW. POSSIBLY BECAUSE I DIDN'T FEEL LIKE PARALLEL PARKING.

Next Tuesday: I'm going to Georgetown! Hopefully I won't have to parallel park.

Today: Advice! Which you really shouldn't listen to.

Hi Amalah!

I feel like I know you because I am a frequent reader, and had to get some advice on this.. I am having a baby boy(!) at the end of January, and am plagued with worry that something will happen to him!  (It has been a long and bumpy road to have this baby.)  I bought a crib mattress at a garage sale, and would have been more than happy to use it, until I read a website that said that used mattresses grow fungus which gives off toxic fumes that kill your baby! 

So I gave the mattress away and am in the market for a new one.  I discovered the Halo Active Airflow crib mattress, which is a really high tech mattress (and expensive) to keep your baby alive.  My husband has given in to my paranoia, and has agreed to buy this mattress if we REALLY need it.  What kind of crib mattress did you buy?  Should we give in to the high-tech mattress?

Thanks!
Ellen

P.S. Although I could talk him into the $200 mattress, I could not talk him into the Petunia Pickle Bottom diaper bag.  Ugh, men.

Honestly, I'm having a hard time thinking of something that's a BIGGER waste of money than a super-expensive, high-tech crib mattress. Maybe designer label baby clothes...or that dumb white noise machine thing we bought, but at least that was only $30, and we've had some nice moments freaking each other out with the creepy-sounding "womb" setting.

But seriously, you don't need that mattress.  I fed my SIDS paranoia with the Halo SleepSacks and a sleep positioner, both of which I abandoned after a few weeks, because 1) duh, a nice fleecy set of footie pajamas works just as well, with the added benefit of having ARMS, and 2) Noah never, ever slept in his crib.

Sure, he'd take a catnap in there occasionally, but at night he slept in his Pack N' Play in our room. Which has no mattress to even speak of, and yet he's alive and well.

And then he destroyed my whole anti-Attachment Parenting attitude by sleeping with us, in our bed.

Three fitful hours of sleep in the bassinet vs. six glorious hours curled up with us? What would you do?

And yes, I know all the drawbacks of co-sleeping -- I used to preach them myself -- and I've seen the study linking co-sleeping to SIDs and blah blah blah. We're very careful. And very happy. And very much planning to move him down to his actual crib once he's sleeping through the night.

(His actual crib, by the way, has the Serta Perfect Sleeper mattress, along with a really good waterproof mattress pad, and silly expensive bedding, but at least I recognize that the bedding is 100% for my benefit.)

Anyway, my point is: be prepared to adapt in ways you never thought possible. Ways that will probably save you 200 bucks on a gimmicky mattress.

More questions to come, but I have to go put Noah down for an unattended nap in the laundry basket, surrounded by loose blankets washed in undiluted Clorox, with perhaps a dryer sheet to suck on.

OMG! I don't think she's joking! Help!

Dear Amalah,

I have two questions for you, since you know everything.  One is baby related, and one is advice smackdown related.

First, I love the baby blanket you've been photographing Noah on - the blue one with what looks like xoxo crocheted into it.  Is it hand crocheted?  If so, do you happen to know where I can get the pattern?

Second, I am in desperate need of handbag help.  I am a graduate student, with a very limited budget, but I really, really want to get a nice, supple leather handbag.  I can't afford to get a new one every season, so I'd like to get something black, and timeless, and big enough to hold stuff but not a honkin' grandma-size bag.  Oh, and I want it all for under $300.  Can you, in your infinite wisdom, suggest something that fits the bill?

Thank you!
Lily

Okay, the beautiful blue blanket: It was a gift from fellow blogger Bethiclaus.  I'm sure she could help you find the pattern, although be patient and gentle, for she is now pregnant.

(And let me use this opportunity to showcase two other handmade knitty/crochety gifts from readers: another lovely little blanket from MamaKaren, and an absolutely delicious little hat and bootie set from Isabel.)

(Isabel is pregnant now too. Coincidence?)

(Watch out, Karen!)

Could you not just EAT HIM?

ANYWAY. On to the purse talk.

I have this one, from Coach, which comes in at just three dollars under your limit, so it counts. Its lovely, soft and classic with just a few touches (the contrast stitching and silver hardware) that make it not totally and completely boring, like this one. Yawn.

But there are so many brands and shapes and just all-around lovely bags out there, and I fully admit my brand loyalty to Coach is irrational and probably sick. Check out Nordstrom.com and go to their handbags section -- you can select from several categories of bags and then refine your search by color. Ta-da! Lots of choices, without being completely overwhelming and littered with crap bags. Here's a selection of leather bags that come in black.

My favorites? This little satchel by Michael Kors, the Cole Haan Village Hobo, and the Tassel Tote by Dooney & Bourke.

More questions to come, once Noah recovers from the EXTREME BORING BORINGNESS of all the purse talk.

I'm so bored I could drool a little.

Dear Amalah,

My friend Isabel and I have a question for you.  We recently have stumbled across… well, let's just call it "unanswered blog etiquette".   As an experienced blogger, we turn to you for advice.

Isabel recently found a blog of a high school friend of hers.  She thinks its hilarious and will continue to lurk.   Which I totally understand because if I find someone's journal?   I will totally read it.  In secret.    But this is the blog world – in all its weird secret yet public state.    So my comment to Isabel was, she should "out" herself to her friend.  Let her know she found the blog, you know?   But… now I am not so sure anymore.  And neither is Isabel!   

So – what does blogging etiquette say?  What do you say?   When you stumble across the blog of someone you know (especially if you get the feeling they would probably be weirded out if you were reading it) – do you let them know you found them?

Help us!

Sincerely,
Joke and Isabel

I would want to know. Of course, with my fool name and photo plastered all over the place, I have to generally assume that people I know are already reading.

A few people from high school and college have contacted me after finding the site, and (so far) I've been thrilled to hear from all of them. One of them even has a blog.

But I'm probably different than a lot of bloggers, since I'm not anonymous. If I was, perhaps it would unnerve me to have high school classmates coming out of the woodwork. Perhaps it would be the reminder I needed that anonymity on the Internet is never guaranteed and that maybe I should be more careful if I really and truly didn't want to be recognized.

If I found the site of someone I knew? I probably would email them and be all, "Hey! Hi! Remember me? I have a website too!"

If it was someone I hated? Well, I might not. I might just lurk and make fun of them, because I'm a bitch. Or I might email them and be all, "Hey! Hi! Remember me? You made my life hell in junior high and now my website gets more hits than yours!"

Because again, am a bitch. And also petty and small.

The proper etiquette is to out yourself. But blog etiquette is, in general, a subjective mess.

If this blogger was actually your friend, then I'd say you should do the right thing and out yourself.

If this is someone who you maybe kind of don't like and maybe get some small enjoyment from reading their pathetic little scribblings, well, it's your karma and you can be a bitch if you want to and will get no judgment from me.

Got a question? Was I mean to you in junior high? advice@amalah.com, losers.

Wednesday Advice Smackdown

Oh man, I'm so torn.

On the one hand, it's Wednesday, which means that logically, I should write an Advice Smackdown.

On the other hand, I have a batch of what may be the most adorable, Internet-melting baby photos yet.

I mean, for real:

I wonder if I can somehow combine the substance of a Smackdown with the cheap thrill of a baby photo essay and create what could be the ULTIMATE ENTRY, one that would please the old-school readers AND the ones who curse any entry that is not a baby photo entry and who are still bitter that I haven't finished Part Two of Noah's Birth Story, which I KNOW, OKAY? I'll get it done before his first birthday, I swear. I thought it would be fun to write about my hospital stay and my Roommate From Hell Who Would Not Stop Discussing Her Diarrhea and how I got yelled at for sneaking Illegal Ice Chips, but it's turning out to be more boring than fun, and I only like fun things.

Like big goofy baby smiles! GOD.

Anyway, the first question in today's Smackdown is actually a big fat generic response to the dozens of questions I've received about Bare Escentuals, the mineral-based makeup that QVC will. Not. Stop. Advertising. All. Damn. Day. And. Why. Do. I. Forget. To. Fast. Forward. Commercials. When. I. Have. TiVo?

Everybody is fascinated by the marketing for this stuff. Except me, because I have a fairly firm rule about products that do cutesy things with the spelling of their name like that. ESCENTUALS? GEDDIT? It's ESSENTIAL but it has a SCENT so we'll call it ESCENTUALS! It's ONEDERFUL!

(Seriously, one time Jason brought home a bag of this natural wheat-based kitty litter called Swheat Scoop and the very sight of that bag sent me into near conniptions every day and I finally threw it out and decreed that we were never, ever buying it again, because that is the DUMBEST MOST AWFUL NAME EVER.)

Ahem. Anyway.

So I have not personally tried the Bare Escentuals line, but two of my real-life fellow product whore friends have, and they both hated it. Among their complaints: an overly complicated application technique, inferior coverage and too much shimmer.

But! Because the Advice Smackdown is not (entirely) gossip and heresay, I went the extra mile for you people and consulted the Powerhouses of Online Product Reviews: Real Girl of Real Girl Beauty and Melissa of DeLush.

Melissa's experience with the brand is limited, but she gave her initial impressions:

"We've been wondering about it too.  My mom uses it and says she like their shadows and blush (I've heard great things about the shadows).  But you know I stood in Sephora for 20 minutes one day debating whether or not to get the face kit thingy they have now that supposedly has everything you need in it to get started.  (A bit more than you probably need if you ask me, but I guess a good deal otherwise.) 

I finally decided to get the mineral veil (which devotees rave about) and I must say, it made me ITCH.  My face felt weird.  Also, I got the new tinted one, and it was pretty orangey.

I know it's all in the application (when it comes to their foundation, too) but it seemed like so much work, plus I didn't have a great experience with the mineral veil.  Maybe we at DeLush really should review this stuff once and for all..."

(Amy says: Yes! You probably should, and please subtract points for the horrific QVC commercial with the woman singing in the high screechy voice about hey-hey hey-hey what a sunny day or whatever because SHUT. UP.)

Real Girl went above and beyond the call of duty and actually WENT TO SEPHORA to try some additional samples before offering her full opinion, which WHAT A SACRIFICE PEOPLE, SHE COULD HAVE BEEN KILLED. Or left completely broke. Anyway, here's her lowdown:

"Sephora, I love you so. Especially when you greet me by my name--"That Girl Who's Always Asking For Samples."

I've tested and examined three Bare Escentuals products now from the i.d. line. The most interesting was the bareMinerals Foundation SPF 15.  (It's a powder! And a foundation! A powdation!) I get a lot of emails from readers with very oily skin asking me how they can use sunscreen without using lotion, and this foundation would definitely be an option. It's got titanium dioxide as its first ingredient and zinc oxide as well, and those are both the most powerful mineral sunscreens on the market.

Would I recommend this powder over normal sunscreen? Not so much. The layer might be too thin or not quite uniform, but for someone who doesn't already use lotion or a liquid foundation with SPF 15 or higher, this would be a fine option. So -- got oily skin and are scared of normal foundations and sunscreens? Give this powder foundation a try.

I also took a look at the Tinted Mineral Veil which is a perfectly fine loose powder blush for fair-ish skin, but I don't see why it would be better than any other loose powder blush. It's a little creamier, I guess, than most powders.

As for the other blushes?  Lordy go easy! That's some sparkle even Mariah Carey wouldn't have used in "Glitter."

Ok, now to the major critique. The Bare folks are targeting these products to people with sensitive skin, but I think they'd be better for people with oily skin. Yet that said, I have a major problem with their motto, “Makeup so pure you can sleep in it.” Bare Escentuals people? Purity does not equal non-pore-clogging. Many of these powders contain titanium dioxide and zinc oxide. These are not sunscreens that are absorbed by the skin -- they're used like a shield that rests on top of the skin. If you were to sleep in these products, I'd be surprised if your poor pores didn't wind up gasping for air, screaming for help. Please don't sleep in your Bare Escentuals.

In the end, what's most impressive about these products is their marketing. How's that for a long and boring answer to your short and pithy question?"

(Amy says: That was a fabulous answer, and I'm so totally digging this whole "dump questions on other people and then cut-and-paste their answers in" approach to the Smackdown.)

More questions to come later today, but as you can see, I've got me some slopes to patrol and some baby cheeks to gobble.

Dear Amalah!

A fellow Amy needs your help. My boss is getting married in April. Regarding the dress code, "it's a cocktail wedding so you can just wear a pretty dress", so I was all YAY I ACTUALLY HAVE ONE TO WEAR.

But the problem started a few days ago, where she changed her mind and now it's a FORMAL thing. Hence floor-length or three-quarter dresses for all. (Except for the men.) And the only floor-length thing I have is my formal (prom dress), and it's beautiful and silky and halterneck, but BLACK.

Is there something wrong with wearing black to a wedding? I just feel weird about it. At first I figured "screw her dress code, I'll wear what I like" but then at work she was all "so do you know what you're wearing yet? Got anything floor-length?" AARGH. I don't want to go out and buy some hideously expensive garment that I will never wear again.

(And if my boss sounds slightly controlling and psychotic, it's because we're piano teachers and I've known her since I was eleven.)

So. Buy something new? Wear whatever I want? Or go with the depressing blackness?

Sorry about the length of this. Congratulations to you and Jason on Noah as well, he's gorgeous.

-Ames

It is perfectly acceptable to wear black to a wedding. I know it feels wrong, and perhaps at one time there was a rule about it (I do not own a Miss Manners etiquette book and never have -- my rules for social manners usually depend on What Everybody Else Is Doing These Days), but no longer.

I have worn black to weddings. I have seen other women wear black to weddings. I have been to weddings where just about every other woman in attendance was wearing black. (And these weren't even formal weddings -- I wore short black dresses with strappy heels and you could not pick me out from the pack on the dance floor.)

At an afternoon-ish wedding this past spring, Jason wore a brown sportcoat and I wore a cream and blue sundress, and we were the weirdos who didn't wear black, although I maintain we were dressed more appropriately for the time and season and blah blah blah, black is just everybody's dressy color of choice these days.

(Black: It's Not Just For Funerals Anymore!)

Wear your black dress. The end.

More questions to come, but right now I gotta go bust a move out on the dance floor, yo.

 GAH.

Okay, the child has just stayed wide, wide awake through his usual lunchtime nap. I am very hungry, and while he's been mostly charming and smiley, he's now at that overtired-overstimulated-I've-forgotten-how-to-go-sleep-so-I- will-scream-instead stage, which AHHHHHHHHHHGOTOSLEEPALREADYITISNOTTHATHARD.

Oh, and 10 minutes ago? I had to retrieve a small piece of rawhide FROM MY DOG'S THROAT, WHERE IT WAS CHOKING HER, SWEET MERCIFUL GOD.

And the minute I yanked it out? She tried to eat it. AGAIN.

I'm getting the sense that I am not spending my days with a pair of intellectual giants here.

So instead, I shall wrap this up quickly with a summary of the opinions about Bare Escentuals from the comments section, where the debate rages on. (And rage on, rage on, because I'm not going to provide anymore entertainment for y'all today.)

The BE line seems to be a love-it-or-hate-it kind of thing -- I'm not seeing much middle ground. Those that love it swear.by.it, as a way of life even, and to the haters, it's a scourge upon humanity that must be stopped.

Bare Escentuals: it's the Amway of make-up, apparently.

So, I shall now dispense my own cribbed-from-the-comments advice. (And bear in mind this is coming from someone who has never tried it and probably never will, because, well, QVC? Really? So I can buy my make-up and then some creepy collectible dolls?)

And in that vein, if you want to try Bare Escentuals, DON'T buy it from QVC. If possible, go to Sephora and use the testers first, or see if you can score some samples. Since people are reporting some disturbing reactions to the stuff (from itching to burning to pore irritation to raging rashes), it sounds like you DEFINITELY want to try before you buy.

(Although I'm willing to give BE the benefit of a doubt here, because I imagine if your target audience is people with sensitive skin, it seems inevitable that your product is just going to irritate a good percentage of that audience, no matter what.)

If you don't have a Sephora near you, I would still suggest you avoid QVC and buy the products at Sephora's web site the first time you try them, because Sephora has a very excellent 60-day return policy (you can return opened products that just didn't work for you no problem), whereas returning something bought through an infomercial is usually a labyrinth of sputtering futility. (And we have at least one testimonial as to the shittitude of BE to issue a refund.)

If you love Bare Escentuals? Awesome. Use it, love it, go with God.

If you hate Bare Escentuals? Well, you seem to be in pretty good company.

If you could not give a rat's ass about Bare Escentuals? Well, here's a photo of the Storch Family Brain Trust instead.

Got a question about...something? Anything? Send it to advice@amalah.com and blahblahblah it might get answered someday.

Wednesday Advice Smackdown

OH MY GOD, IT'S THE WEDNESDAY ADVICE SMACKDOWN!

For the bazillion new readers who have joined us via The Washingtonian, davebarry.com or who are Just Here For The Baby Pictures, here's a little background:

Once upon a time I felt like being bossy and told my friends to invent fake questions that I would make up fake advice for on Wednesdays. Then people started sending in real questions. So I tried to start giving real advice, with dubious results. You can read every past Smackdown and/or Smackdownish entry by clicking here.

Translation: I am not very good at this and probably don't know what I'm talking about most of the time.

Passive-Aggressive Translation: Because I openly admit that, you are not allowed to tell me that I don't know what I'm talking about in the comments section. I may be full of shit, but it's uppity shit and I don't want to hear about it.

Today the Smackdown returns to its old school roots when I used to bang out questions one at a time throughout the whole day when I had free time at work. Now I will post questions whenever Noah is asleep or otherwise entertained.

(Don't get your hopes up, because yesterday? He did not nap but AT ALL and was a howling, cranky little turd all day long. We'll see if today is better.)

(It actually already kind of is, because Jason took the day off work and brought me breakfast in bed AND took the baby away so I could actually eat it.)

(No, you can't have him. He is all mine.)

Dear lovely, very pregnant Amalah, (Edited to add: HA! Obviously, the Smackdown is not known for its timeliness.)

I'm a 29 year old woman (from the Netherlands/Holland, where they speak and write Dutch, wear wooden shoes, abuse drugs and are allowed to, perform euthanasia and are allowed to so i have many excuses for lots of typos) with a problem. I've been regularly reading your site, and some other blogs that i like as well, for over a year now. I'm not pregnant and i'm not planning on becoming pregnant in the near future, but suddenly you got pregnant. And i liked it. I was happy for you. I thought about the nice post this would bring on and stuff. Baby talk etc. Then, in March at a party at our place, one couple announced that they were pregnant coming in. When the second befriended couple entered, they joined the cheering because well.. it was a little early to tell, but she also missed her last period. AND THEN? When the third couple walked onto our front porch? Couple number 1 commented on how nice it would be if they were pregnant too. And well... of course... they were. There me and my boyfriend stood, very not screaming, very not pregnant, and very alone....

And now? I'm totally freaked out! I'm afraid this pregnancy thing and moreover the baby thing will totally ruin our friendship. We will be left all alone because, we cannot relate to them now and in a few years.. when we are screaming our heads off (as that is what pregnant mums do)... their children will have reached another "phase" and in my imagination i will be left with good advise about what they did when they were pregnant.. long.. long ago.. What should i do? Should we try to get pregnant also because we can share common interest and problems in ehm... breast feeding, not eating.. diaper changes.

Should i forget about the whole pregnancy thing in the future because well.. i'm to late to connect with my friends over this.. OR? Please very cute (and beautiful) pregnant woman, can you tell me what to do? Have you had similar experiences?

Best wishes...or (this one comes from my translation site) yours sincerely,
Nienuh

"Should we try to get pregnant also because we can share common interest and problems...?"

Umm...no. Although props for coming up with a very interesting solution for friendship-saving.

Most of our friends do not have kids. The only pregnant women I knew during my own pregnancy were the ones I knew online. Of our closest circle of friends, we're the first to be steering the conversation to diapers, floppy baby necks and the bazillion and one reasons Why Amy Thinks Breastfeeding Sucks.

We also occasionally shut up about Noah and talk about work, politics, gossip and all the other stuff we talked about in the pre-Noah days, and MY GOD, are we grateful.

While yeah, your friends are all moving on to a new stage in life and it sucks to feel like you're being left behind and to know that your friendships will change (and they will), there is no reason to feel like you will have absolutely nothing in common with them anymore.

They'll need and want breaks from the non-stop pregnancy and baby talk. When I was a bazillion months pregnant, all I wanted was for everybody to stop asking me how I was feeling all the time and instead  talk about whether Tom Cruise was always this insane, or was the switch from bipolar meds to vitamins a recent occurrence.

And now we just want to know we won't piss our friends off if we bring Noah to brunch, or if they'd be okay with watching the football game at our house instead of the sports bar, or if they'd possibly be okay with babysitting so we could go see a movie. And for our real best friends? None of the above are a problem.

So while you certainly have to appreciate the major life change your friends are going through, they'll appreciate someone who lets them be the person they were pre-baby and ISN'T totally hung up on all the ways they've changed.

And if they don't, and they become one of those asshole couples who is All Baby, All the Time, and Oh My God, We Can't Go Anywhere With the Baby and What About the Baby and Let's All Talk About the Baby Some More -- well, I hate those couples and you have my blessing to dump them and find some new friends.

Oh, and when you DO decide to get pregnant, they will have all kinds of awesome hand-me-down maternity clothes for you. And tons of advice, because as I have learned, women NEVER EVER GET TIRED OF GIVING ADVICE TO PREGNANT WOMEN, ESPECIALLY IF IT INVOLVES A TERRIFYING STORY OF EPISOTOMIES AND 49 HOURS OF LABOR.

More questions to come, but now I must go change a poopy diaper. Because I am All Poop, All the Time.

Oh Great and Wonderful Amalah!

Do you clean your make-up brushes? I never have but I hear I'm supposed to. Oops!

If you do clean them, how do you do it?

I have a 4 year old son and all he wants to do is paint watercolors with them.

See what you have to look forward to.

Thanks!
Micki

Yes, you should clean your make-up brushes.

No, I am not very good about cleaning my make-up brushes.

Except for my precioussss foundation brush. That one I wash out everyday with a little warm soapy water (and I just use whatever pump hand soap we have in the bathroom). Once a week (or whenever I notice my foundation not going on as smoothly as it should), I wash it out with my Clinque make-up remover wash stuff.

I'm also pretty good about cleaning my little lipstick brush, since like the foundation brush, it's getting dipped in wet, goopy substances everyday.

(My NARS lip lacquer is my compromise for the whole "matte lipstick is back for fall" shit that Vogue and Sephora are pulling, by the way. It's a glossy color, but heavier on the color and lighter on the gloss, if that makes any damn sense. My point is: I am not drinking the matte lipstick Kool-Aid quite yet, because after five years of buying lipgloss I have finally found the perfect products and colors and unless Vogue personally sends me hundreds of dollars to begin the Great Color Search all over again, they can kiss my glossy ass.)

As for my other brushes, I'm a little less careful -- they just get dipped in the same neutral powders everyday and the wear and tear is minimal. You SHOULD wash them out occasionally because it will extend the life of your brush and keep your colors truer (i.e. less tinged with every other shade of eyeshadow you've ever dipped the brush in).

I'm sure there's also a bacteria concern in there somewhere. Eh.

Anyway, use warm soapy water on synthetic bristled brushes and shampoo on natural bristled brushes. For stubborn make-up like foundation or eyeliner, use make-up remover. Let the brushes air dry before putting them back in your make-up case or bag.

More questions to come, but right now I must go put on some damn make-up myself, because it feels wrong to do an Advice Smackdown while looking like warmed-over ass.

Dear Mama Amy,

I moved from my hometown a year and a half ago for a job.  Since then I've been included on my parents' invitation for every family event.  Fine, whatever.  But my YOUNGER sister, who got married a couple months after I moved, gets an invitation at her home.

To get to the point, my younger cousin's baby shower is coming up.  Again, I was included on my mom's invitation.  I would like to give her a gift, because AW! A Baby! and it's a surprise shower so it's not her fault I didn't get my own invitation, but I want to receive the thank you note at my house, and I'd appreciate it if my family would start sending me my own invitation.  Would it be uncouth to include my address in the card?  My mother says I don't get my own invitation because they don't have my address but it wouldn't be that hard to get a hold of it.

JP

Annnnndddd this is exactly why you should always, always send out those "change of address" announcements whenever you move.

Although those aren't failproof either, because people are really lazy and never, ever remember to erase your old address from their address book and then when they have to mail, say, some hypothetical birth announcements for their baby boy, they realize that everybody has moved and every address in their book is old and they may send the announcements anyway and then the announcements all come back a week later and this completely hypothetical new mom person then spends the next week emailing everybody like a moron to ask for their new addresses and no, this totally did not happen to me.

Anyway, it is not uncooth at all to include your address with your card and gift. I mean, one should ALWAYS include one's return address on the envelope or package. And the recipient should always use that address when sending a thank-you note.

But if you think the recipient may continue to be a lazy clueless person and send the thank-you to your parents, it certainly wouldn't hurt to include a little note that says, "By the way, I'm not sure I sent you my new address! Here it is!" This completely overlooks the fact that your "new" address is a year and a half old, but if these people are fine with using your parents as some kind of middleman mail delivery service, I'm sure they won't give it a second thought.

And take the hint your mom was trying to give you. These people don't have your address and are not going to pick up the phone and ask for it. But this is an easily fixable problem.

If the whole lumping you-with-your-parents thing is bothering you, then get proactive and send out some belated change-of-address cards. Or any kind of card. Or a phone call to say, "Hey, my mother said you don't have my address! Got a pen?"

Only after you've actually GIVEN these people your address do you earn the right to complain when your mail gets sent elsewhere.

More questions to come, but right now I must go mail some birth announcements for the second time. Hypothetically.

Hi to a wonderful & wise Amalah who loves Coach...

I recently splurged on a Coach Soho black leather small hobo as my "I'm in grad school and up to my eyeballs in debt but I am damn well going to have a nice bag" statement. I went on Ebay a few days later and managed to win an auction for the sold out limited edition light green optic signature hobo with ladybug appliques that I have been longing for since it came out. Now I have two hobos. Is that redundant? Should I exchange my beautiful classic black bag for another shape? Please advise me...I'm very much on the fence as I love the shape but am wondering if I will feel dumb in a year for spending so much on two almost identical bags...

Coach loving site lurker

OH GOOD LORDY NO.

The hobo is classic. And black leather vs. green optic signature? Could not be more different.

The way I see it, your real dilemma will surface next year when you fall in love with yet another hobo bag in a completely different color/fabric/leather option.

So I'll solve that one for you too. I have three hobos. You can totally buy another one and still not feel dumb about it.

More questions to come, but right now I must go tell each and every Coach bag I own how much I love it. This could take awhile.

Dear Amalah,

Hi. I am writing to inquire about what type of dress would look good on my body type. I am very small-chested and need a flattering dress for a school dance. I have no idea what to look for or buy. I just want something that will look fashionable and flatter me well.

Hope you can help. Thanks.

I'm flat chested too. (Or I was, in my pre-breastfeeding days.) (Although I could probably count the minutes at this point until I will be flat chested once again.) And I am going to tell you the honest-to-God truth, and I want you to believe me, even though it took the better part of a decade and a fortune in push-up bras for me to believe this truth myself: flat-chested girls can wear anything they want. It's the big-chested girls who have the problems.

Seriously, we can wear all the styles that make wearing a bra impossible. We can get away with tiny spaghetti straps and plunging halters and backless little numbers.

Now that I have substantial boobs and need to wear a bra all the time (and oh my God, I have to wear a bra TO BED or else I'm in terrible pain and when I'm in the shower I'm dreaming of getting out just so I can put my bra back on), I am more convinced than ever that small boobs are the way to go.

So...um...yay for small boobs and all that. And my favorite personal styles are halter tops, which always seem to create the illusion of more boobs than actually exist, and strapless, only because I was convinced for YEARS that small-chested girls couldn't wear strapless dresses, but now I know that WE CAN and WE LOOK FABULOUS IN THEM.

Provided we have a decent padded strapless bra and possibly a good tailor to run an inch or two off the bodice so we don't spend the entire evening yanking up our dress, of course.

More questions to come, maybe, but right now I have to throw a tantrum, because I just realized that my gorgeous Thomas Pink shirt will not button over my magnificent, voluptuous cleavage.

I am delurking because you seem like a big enough rockstar/fashionista to answer my question. What is your opinion on belts?

Okay, maybe that was too large of a question because where do you even begin. So I will begin to explain my body type and then end by asking for your help. I am 5' and no longer have that nice toned belly...more like a non-pregnant bulge that doesn't want to be emphasized by a leather belt. In addition, I am so short that there is less than 1 inch between my rib cage and my hips; not necessarily flattering with a belt. With a shirt tucked in I swear I could pass for a short Ed Grimley/Steve Urkel. I recently entered the professional world and feel really dorky around my ultra cool and thin coworkers. How is it they can pull off belts without appearing to be fat asses?!?! Do I have to wear a belt ever? If so, when and what is appropriate?

Thanks so very, very much.
Bumpy Belly Bertha

Okay, let's attack the many layers of this question one at a time...

First, my overarching opinion on belts: God, I miss them. I just this week managed to get a belt on and buckled and okay, it was a belt that used to go with my super-low-rise jeans and now goes more around my waist and YES, it was on the very, very last hole but the point is THAT I GOT A BELT ON FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE MARCH. GOLF CLAPS FOR AMY.

Now, I'm sure there are Set In Stone rules regarding when one must wear a belt and what sort of belt is appropriate with what and blah blah blah, but here's my pared down rule: if your belt loops are visible, you should be wearing a belt. Double bonus mandatory belt points if your shirt is tucked in. Triple bonus mandatory belt points if your shirt and pants are business-y.

And of course, you should wear a belt if your damn pants will fall down without one.

(That one should be obvious, but you know, some people are dumb.)

So what to do if your body shape is not conducive to belts? Well, I see three options:

1) Buy pants without belt loops. This is easier for slacks and business-wear than jeans and casual pants, but it can be done.

2) Buy Alternative Belts. Sashes, scarves, old men's ties, ribbon and chain belts will give you the right look of having SOMETHING in the belt loops without really cinching you in or drawing tons of attention to your waist. (And yes, you CAN wear fabric tie belts in a professional environment -- I have a couple classic silk scarves from [where else?] Coach and simple velvet ribbon belts that I've worn with dress slacks and suits.)

3) Wear really low-rise pants and wear belts around your hips instead of your waist. Just, um, watch out for the muffin top.

No more questions to come, because I am sleepy and Noah is napping (!) and I'm thinking that napping sounds like a smashing idea right now. Will there be another Advice Smackdown next Wednesday? Who knows! I'm very flaky sometimes. But feel free to send any questions you have to advice@amalah.com and perhaps someday, somewhere, somehow, I will be awake enough to answer it.