Wednesday Advice Smackdown

But first, a few questions that cropped up from Friday's post about the Big Fancy Photo Shoot:

Q) Come on! Post the Polaroid!

A) No. Am not allowed. It technically belongs to the magazine and they've told me not to post it, so I won't, for I am Obedient and Good.

Q) Will you scan or link to the article when it comes out?

A) I will be allowed to scan the article, but not until the magazine is off newstands (late October). The Washingtonian's website doesn't offer the current issue's contents online, and I'm not sure if they even archive fluffy little articles like this one after the next issue comes out. So basically -- I will let everyone know when the issue is available, but non-locals will have to wait a few weeks before I can scan it or (possibly) link to it. In other words: chill out, I'll do the best I can.

Q) Fuck this photo shoot noise. WHAT DID YOU BUY AT SEPHORA?

A) My apologies for leaving out this scintillating piece of information.

 

This is everything I used. From the top: Marc Jacobs perfume (because smelling good totally makes you more photogenic), Sephora volumizing mascara, Nars Creme Blush in Turkish Red, Nars Duo Eye Shadow in All About Eve, Tony & Tina herbal eye base (apparently discontinued, wah), Sephora slim eye pencil in Chocolate Brown, LORAC eye shadow in Garnet, Nars Lip Lacquer in Eros, and my old reliable standby, Sue Devitt Triple Seaweed Gel Foundation in Tanami.

And this is me, trying to figure out which side of my face should not ever face the camera.

I look kind of holy.

Dear Amalah,

I have the same love/hate relationship with Ikea that you do.  Yet I can't say away!  And their big catalogs are like porn!

Anyway, I have been coveting the Hemnes bed for many years but was never sure if it could be used with both a mattress and a box spring.  The display model always just uses the mattress and I honestly don't trust the word of the Ikea employees (because they clearly never warned me that those curtain rods and curtain rod holders I bought that one time WOULD NEVER EVER WORK AND WILL MAKE ME CRY.)

But I do trust you, Amalah.  Will the Hemnes bed hold both the mattress and box spring?

See you in the Ikea returns line!

Keepergirl

(By the way, the number one sign that I am indeed trapped in an abusive relationship with IKEA: while dozens and dozens of you chimed in yesterday to bash IKEA, all I wanted to do was jump in and DEFEND THAT DAMN STORE. Sure, we're going through a rough patch right now! But I have dozens of wonderful things from IKEA that I love with all my heart! The expensive pre-assembled actual-wood baby furniture was fucked up too! Besides, it's all totally my fault for not checking the boxes before we left the store! I brought it on myself! I deserve crappy furniture!)

(And on Monday I bought a hot dog there for 50 CENTS, PEOPLE, AND IT WAS DELICIOUS.)

Anyway. The HEMNES bed. No, it won't really work with a boxspring, unless you don't mind having your mattress tower over the footboard. The footboard is very low and a boxspring will practically come to the top of it, and then the mattress will be completely uncontained by the bedframe and will look really weird.

But here's the thing: You don't NEED a boxspring with the HEMNES bed. It's kind of hard to explain, but the bedframe kind of is a boxspring. You buy these wooden slat-things along with the bed (in your choice of "firm" or "springy") and a metal midbeam thing, and they support the mattress beautifully.

We've been using a boxspring we inherited from Jason's GRANDMOTHER every since we've been married (that's how maniacally cheap we are when it comes to furniture), and for years have complained about our crappy mattress. Five minutes after ditching the boxspring and collapsing on our newly-assembled bed, we looked at each other in confusion. Did the bed feel...firmer? What?

Honestly, our mattress feels SO MUCH BETTER now that it's supported by those beam things instead of the boxspring. I can roll my huge pregnant self over without grunting and moaning in agony. Jason swears the last two nights of sleep have been the best he's had in years.

So there you go. IKEA can be mean and spiteful, but DAMN, he's good in bed.

Dear Amalah,

Eeeek.  I've never in my life written to an advice columnist, but after lurking around your blog for a long time and reading many of your Wednesday Advice Smackdowns, I finally felt compelled to take the plunge--mostly because you're the first advice columnist I actually felt could help--or, at the very least--entertain me.  Anyway, I think your blog is one of the very few worth reading.  You're an intelligent, entertaining, and regularly delightful writer, and I truly enjoy salivating over and admiring the pictures of your adorable pets and equally adorable and enviable products, as well as the descriptions,picture, and links of  your various gorgeous handbags, clothes, and make-up products.  And I think your advice is bizarrely pithy and intelligent.

Best of all, your writing regularly makes me laugh out loud (on a side-note: Yah for Snarkywood!).  So, thank you for sharing a part of your life--I think it's a life worth sharing.  And of course, congratulations on your pregnancy! I'm hoping to have a baby some time in the near future, and your blog has been a constant source of encouragement and, yes, education--light years better than any self-help book I've had the  misfortune to come across.

Okay, enough already with the ass-kissing.  Now comes my plea for advice: As much as I love your whip-smart writing, I must admit to feeling a bit (ummm... bitterly) fixated and--well, to be even more blunt--blinded by jealousy regarding Jason's sweet propensity to shower you with flowers for no apparent reason (well, besides his obvious love for you).

So here's the question: How does a woman encourage her otherwise dear, loving, and considerate partner of two years to give her the occasional bouquet of flowers? I mean, short of stomping into his office, hands on hips, and demanding that he give me the occasional damn bouquet of bright, lovely, sweet-smelling flowers--hell, at this point I'd even settle for those sad, wilty  arrangements they sell at the grocery store. 

In fact, at this point even the occasional bouquet of wildflowers would suffice. I've tried everything short of the most obvious solution: making a reasonable and straightforward request that he occasionally hand over the flowers. Maybe it's silly of me, but I resist that scenario because it seems to detract from the romance of the experience.  I've bought flowers for myself and made a big production about how much they delight me (part of a desperate attempt to send him a much needed--and ill-headed-- message).  I ruminated on this subject with my mother, grandmother, and aunts, who sweetly, regularly, and pointedly compensate by  sending me lovely arrangements--and again, I always make an extravagantly effusive and dramatic production of conveying my delight for these thoughtful gestures, futilely hoping that my unbridled enthusiasm will send him a message. Recently my mother suggested that perhaps I'd just have to buy my own flowers.  But buying flowers for oneself just isn't the same as being surprised by receiving thoughtful and unnecessary gestures from one's significant other.

I've even resorted to buying flowers for myself and then oohing and awing over my purchases, as well as pointedly informing my partner that the only other time I received flowers from a man was when my psycho ex bombarded me with six dozen roses--a deeply depressing experience, as my tiny apartment reeked with the sickly sweet smell of desperation (and the next day I eagerly donated these flowers to a nursing home).  This rather depressing experience, I think, reasonably calls for some kind of nice, compensating flower experience from a man I truly love and cherish, and to whom I am whole-hearted committed. But alas, I've made no headway.  Apparently, from what I've been able to drag out of him diplomatically, he would rather give gifts that last for longer periods of time: necklaces, rings, clothes.  He thinks that flowers are wasteful because they have such a short shelf-life.  I don't mean to suggest that this is a one-way street; I really enjoy giving him little tokens of my love.

So what should I do?  Personally, I would like to receive a pretty bouquet when it's not the requisite holiday time: just a little something every now and then, particularly when I'm having a rough week.  Here's the rather silly quandary: a good part of the allure of receiving flowers is that, at least according to my own perhaps misguided thinking, they should come as a sweet surprise, and not as a grudging acquiescence to an emphatic demand. I would really appreciate your advice on this matter.  Bottom line: I want flowers! Not all the time, not huge expensive bouquets, not the the obligatory dozen roses on V-day or my birthday.  Maybe you or your readers could give me some advice.  In the big scheme of things, I grudgingly acknowledge that my complaint is embarrassingly bourgeois and maybe just a little petty.

Nevertheless, I want flowers! Thank you so much for any advice you or your readers might offer, and I hope you have a joyous pregnancy and a delightful experience with the new-born babe.

Best,
Kelly

I'm of two minds about this. One, you acknowledge that you want flowers because, to you, they represent a "thoughtful and unnecessary gesture." This means something you HAVEN'T demanded or nagged about or done any sort of clever trickery to "get him" to send you flowers. If you have to resort to subterfuge (i.e. signing him up for email coupons from ProFlowers, inventing a coworker who's flirting with you) or flat-out demands, then the flowers you'd receive would actually not mean anything and thus be besides the point entirely. Right?

Right?

The best thing to do is to simply TELL HIM that if he's ever thinking of doing something nice for you, he should know that you would really, really love to get some flowers. And then DROP IT. If he doesn't send you flowers, you need to accept that he is just not a flower-sending-kinda guy. And then move on and don't read into this as him not listening to you and withholding affection and blah blah blah but HER boyfriend sends HER flowers pout pout pout.

But of course, I do have a secondary opinion. And it's that guys should send girls flowers if they want them and shut the hell up about it. That whole "I want to give you gifts that LAST" thing is a fucking cop-out, especially since 90% of you aren't actually out there buying those elusive gifts-that-last on a regular basis.

(It's like people who refuse to celebrate Valentine's Day or Mother's Day because they're "Hallmark Holidays" and "we should be expressing our love and gratitude every day," which, FINE, BUT ARE YOU? NO? THEN BUY A BOX OF CHOCOLATES AND A CARD ALREADY.)

Face it, girls like flowers. We know they don't last and they seem silly to you but we like them. They're pretty. They smell nice. They make other girls jealous and we feel special and spoiled. So get on ProFlowers' email list and buy your significant other some damn flowers when they send you coupons.

However, are flowers essential? Is a guy who won't send flowers deeply damaged and insensitive? Should you chuck him to the curb like an extra LACK side table? No. You should probably just get over it.

(Says the girl who gets flowers all the damn time, for no damn reason. Shut up, Amy.)

Dear Q of E,

I just read that entry where you told us all an amusing story about lying to your parents at Christmas time. I know you would NEVER do that, good daughter that you are, but it made me feel very guilty because I remembered the worst lie I ever told.

I was sharing a flat and fell in love with a Catalan guy who lived with me. I didn't tell my mother, of course. I left the flat in July because I was going on holidays and my heart was breaking at leaving this guy (we actually live together in Barcelona now so happy ending). So my Mum brings me into town. She goes shopping and I go to pick up my deposit. She leaves me the keys to the car cos I say I'll be back first and promise to be back at the car in an hour. I go to pick up my deposit. Get it in like five minutes. Go up to my old flat to spend time with boyfriend. Make out and cry and promise to love forever etc. for way too long. Realise time is passing but say Fuck it, I CANNOT LEAVE THIS MAN. Finally Mum calls, says she's back and where am I? I lie, say that the landlady delayed giving me money, say I'm on my way. Kiss some more. I get back to the car and my dear mother who gave birth to me and fed me and loves me is standing outside the car soaked wet because? We were in Ireland, it rained a lot, she was waiting in a big carpark with no shelter and her stupid ungrateful bitch of a daughter was late because she just HAD to kiss this guy 1500 times.

On our drive home I stuck to my story about the landlady causing a delay and not giving me the money right away. My mother got all defensive on my behalf and promised to go see that lady and teach her a lesson in manners. I felt shame. Deep shame. But I could not tell her the truth and I still don't dare to.

So my question to you, pretty mother-to-be (enough sucking-up or should I continue?) who is wise and caring (enough yet?) and knows all, is this: Should I tell my mother why I was late that day?  This question was really lame. I am very sorry. Feel free to ignore. And send me sweets :-)

Love,
Guilty daughter

No. What good would it do?

It would ease your guilty conscience, of course, but seriously, that's a selfish reason to confess a sin. (We'll completely ignore the cosmic/spiritual ramifications of unconfessed sins, because I'm really tired and don't feel like getting into it.)

Basically, you know you did a shitty thing and you feel badly about it. You won't do it again. Your mom will probably be hurt by the truth (unless she completely LOVES your significant other and has a sense of humor about young-things-in-love-and-the-stupid-shit-they-do). And even if she DOES have a sense of humor about things like that, no mother wants to hear about her daughter's make-out sessions. I would just leave it alone.

Dearest Amalah,

My husband and I were recently in DC, as he was interviewing with several graphic design firms in the area.  We totally fell in love with the city, and swore we would live in one of those cute apartments near the zoo.  And then we found out that living in a run-down 1 bedroom shack near the zoo can put someone behind $1900 smakaroos a month.  That might not be a lot of money for some people, but  A.) My husband is an entry level designer and won't be making enough to cover that kind of rent, B.) I'm 4 months pregnant, and seriously doubt someone is going to hire me when I'll be out on maternity leave in 5 months, and C.) Did I mention we won't have a lot of money?  One of the firms my husband interviewed with is flying him up there to interview him again, and it is looking more and more like we'll be moving to the area. Here is where I throw myself to your mercy, Amalah, Queen of all things, and ask of you, is there ANYWHERE in DC proper, that's cute, safe (relatively at least), and... affordable?  Bear in mind, we'll need 2 bedrooms (child on the way).   I'm quickly realizing that there may be no way that we can live in the cute and wonderful town of DC, and may have to *gasp* commute!  Please, PLEASE help!!

-Corinne

Oh man. Renting in DC. It's a fucking nightmare.

We haven't tried to rent in this area for about four years now, but DC real estate in general is absolutely insane. Everybody wants to live in the same tiny, overcrowded neighborhoods and somehow, everybody seems to have millions and millions of dollars. I am not sure if these people actually HAVE millions of millions of dollars or if the entire population is mortgaged up to their eyeballs. We bought our tiny condo (technically one bedroom, one bathroom + loft, which means legally speaking, we can't even list as a two-bedroom unit) several years ago for a price that seemed horrifically high to us -- and the damn place has still  practically doubled in value. Our next-door neighbors sold their near-identical unit for a fucking half million dollars.

A HALF MILLION DOLLARS. FOR A CONDO. WITH NO PARKING AND NO ELEVATOR AND THE POSSIBILITY OF ROACHES. JESUS GOD IN HEAVEN.

And while we're tempted to sell at these prices, there's kind of the little question of where we'd move TO, since anything slightly bigger than our unit in the neighborhoods we like seems to have extraneous zeroes in the price. So we're staying put and just trying not to elbow each other in the head too much in the bathroom every morning.

Anyway. While I'm no expert on the DC rental market, I'll do my best to suggest neighborhoods based on what I know about housing prices. Everybody wants to live in the same cool neighborhoods in Northwest. Dupont, G'town, Adams Morgan, Cleveland Park. So you need to find the uncool, up-and-coming neighborhoods. They might be slightly sketchy right now, but GODDAMN, we almost bought a place on U St. NW but thought the neighborhood was kind of ehhhh, and now U St. is totally awesome and that tiny place is probably worth a hundred billion dollars or something.

(For non-locals who may be trying to follow this nonsense for some reason: DC has four quadrants. NW, NE, SW, SE. At one time, anything other than NW basically meant Drive-by Murderville, USA, but that's rapidly changing. SE is still pretty fucking terrible, but everybody hopes the new baseball stadium and waterfront attractions will change that. But still. I wouldn't live there with a baby. Yet. I mean, some people still want Marion Barry to be mayor again, and I'm sure he's just itching to bankrupt the city and destroy the Anacostia waterfront a second time.)

Northeast is really getting nice, but a lot of people can't shake the prejudice of having "NE" in their mailing address. We've considered moving there, but have yet to find a neighborhood we really like.

So I was going to suggest a few neighborhoods (Mount Pleasant, Takoma Park, Columbia Heights, Logan Circle) that are considered up-and-coming, but then I just did a quick search for two-bedroom apartments at The City Paper and Craigslist and holy shit, you're lucky if you can stay below $2,400 a month for anything that's not Southeast.

This isn't very encouraging, but we were never able to rent in the city before we bought our place. We rented in far-out 'burbs like Germantown and Gaithersburg to save money. Our commutes were terrible and the neighborhoods were your typical chain-restaurant-strip-mall suburban nightmare, but after going to rental after rental in the city to be the seventh couple to turn in an application for a run-down one bedroom that cost $1700 a month, we gave up and decided to stay in Maryland and focus on saving for a downpayment.

Then we moved into the city and proceeded to procreate. We're backwards like that.

I'm not sure what you're actually looking to spend in rent, but it does sound like the super-cute and super-safe neighborhoods in DC are out of your price range. I'm hoping some local readers can chime in and suggest a neighborhood that's slipped my mind for some reason or offer additional guidance, but for now? Get on Craigslist, get searching, drive through as many neighborhoods as you can and see as many places as you can. Oh, and use that pregnant belly to get preferential treatment.

(Let me say one more thing: Just like I will love and defend IKEA to the death, so will I defend living in DC. I love this city. Irrationally so. The suburbs make me nervous and twitchy and I have a reverse commute with no traffic and I can walk to everything on the planet. So there.)

(We also have to keep up our city cred for the other blog in our household.)

Questions for future Smackdowns can be sent to advice@amalah.com. Questions for past Smackdowns can no longer be sent due to technical difficulties with the space/time continuum.

Wednesday Advice Smackdown

Firstly, I want to thank everyone for the wonderful comments and emails yesterday. Y'all continue to amaze me with your unbelievable niceness. My mom's surgery is scheduled for next Monday. I'll be spending this weekend with her, as she is coming to attend the World's Tiniest Baby Shower, Another Pitfall Of Being Pregnant In The Summer and Also Having Friends With Social Lives and Plans and Vacations That Don't Involve You.

Secondly, I refuse to confirm or deny the existence of diamonds (singular or plural) in regards to my anniversary gift. Sorry. I'm obnoxious and all, but seriously, I'm a little embarrassed by the size and the sparkliness of the rocks that now adorn my earlobes.

Thirdly, whoops.

Fourthly, today is your lucky day, as you can get TWO Amalah entries for the price of one (which is zero! click on some ads! they offer amazing work-from-home opportunities that are TOTALLY not a multi-level marketing Amway scam!). DesignPublic, a very cool online furniture/textiles/other-designer-things-I-want store, asked me to participate in this Baby Blogapalooza thing to celebrate their new Kids & Baby section. I think they may have me confused with someone else.

The topic was Kids & Design, and I wrote them an entry that is only about 9% recycled material. (It's the bit about the iron, because I thought it was wicked funny when I first wrote it but all my commenters decided to engage in a Serious Debate Regarding Where Amy Should Put the Iron instead of just laughing at me and my crazy iron talk.)

You can read my entry here. Some of the other guest writers include DaddyTypes, Finslippy, Mrs. Kennedy and other Internet Rock Stars who will probably think my entry is weird and not funny.

And while we're on the subject of weird and not funny, here's today's Advice Smackdown, brought to you by a girl who is currently wearing CHEAP BLACK PLATFORM SLIDES CIRCA 2002 BECAUSE THEY ARE THE ONLY SHOES HER FAT FEET WILL FIT IN.

Hi Amy,

Love your blog and Snarkywood.  And congratulations on the baby!  I’m insanely jealous…my biological clock is screaming at me to procreate and my husband isn’t ready yet. Sigh. 

Anyway, I was hoping you can give me some advice on how to start a blog.  I love them tremendously and think I might have a crazy enough life that I might be able to post things interesting enough that people will actually want to read. I’m just not sure how to get started.

Thanks for any advice and keep the snark coming!
Nicole Martinez

Oh, for years I talked about starting a blog. I was totally going to start one! Watch me! Here I go, starting my blog!

Only I never did. I came close one time, when I actually went and registered the amalah.com domain name. And then still. I did not actually start a blog.

But since I had the domain name, I at least started researching all the different tools and platforms available for wannabe-bloggers. Typepad vs. Blogger vs. Diaryland vs. Movable Type vs. Diary-X vs. WordPress vs. oh, my lord, I need to lie down.

So I made a list of the things that were important to me:

1) My own domain name instead of amalah.something.com.
2) Easily customizable templates.
3) The ability to upgrade or move to something more robust later on without changing the site name.
4) Groovy sidebar thingies.
5) Something so easy a drunk monkey could use it.

In the end, I settled on a TypePad Basic account, learned the ropes, endlessly messed with and fucked up my design, switched from a blog to a journal format, upgraded to a Pro account and learned CSS and began horribly abusing my bandwidth amount, for which TypePad mysteriously neglects to charge me for. So far.

I also started actually "writing stuff" somewhere along the way.

For some people, their blog wishlist might look something like this:

1) Free.

So really, decide what bells and whistles (if any) are important to you and then sign up for a service that provides said bells and whistles. Then start writing. That's kind of the most important part. (But speaking for myself, my OCD and control-freakishness wouldn't let me begin writing until I had a site that looked like I wanted it to, so I totally get why some people won't just sign up for Blogger and be done with it.)

Don't worry about readers at first. (Trust me, in a few months you'll look back on your first entries and CRINGE and hope that nobody actually read that crap.) Don't email everybody on the planet with your new URL. (I guarantee you'll deeply regret telling at least one or two of those people about the site later on.) Don't expect every writer you read regularly to care that they "totally inspired you to start your own blog! Come check it out!" They might visit. They might not. Don't take it personally.

Link to the sites you read. (And for the love of God, DON'T EMAIL PEOPLE AND ASK IF IT'S OKAY THAT YOU LINK TO THEM. THEY DON'T CARE. LINK AWAY. CHRIST. AND DON'T ALWAYS EXPECT A RETURN LINK BECAUSE THAT'S JUST NOT HOW IT WORKS.) Comment on the sites you read. The best way to draw attention to your new blog is by leaving funny/witty/thoughtful/properly-punctuated comments on other sites.

And you know, keep writing about things. Blog audiences grow mysteriously and exponentially. Like big scraggly patches of Internet weeds. Don't worry about running out of material or not having anything interesting to say. Blogging is addictive, and pretty soon you'll be a freak like me with two notebooks and a pack of Post-Its in her purse so she can scribble down the sort-of funny sentence she came up with while peeing just now because she might want to use that in an entry maybe.

If you're still worried about content, just buy a digital camera. Photo essays ALWAYS shut people the hell up about not posting enough.

Dear Wise Amalah, Guru of Fashion, please help a desperate soul!

I need shoes.  Desperately.  I have cute dresses and skirts, as well as kick-ass pants, but my shoe collection SUCKS dead goats.

I am 28, a government employee, and live in the middle of nowhere in the Midwest.  I want to look young and cute (because I am) but I have a very limited budget because I just bought my first house and, as I mentioned, I'm a government employee.  So that's constraint number 1.  Issue #2?  I live in a smallish town where the only place to buy shoes is the department store.  We have two in the mall, but I don't like J.C. Penney's and refuse to shop there.  We don't have a shoe store in town (unless one counts Payless, and I don't).  We do have a cowboy boot store.  Oh!  And as adorable as your cute heels are? I can't wear them.  I have damaged knees from a car wreck 10 years ago and anything over about 1.5 inches gives me great pain from my knees to my neck.

So, great wise guru, with this wonderful list of issues, how do I find cute and fashionable shoes? What kind of shoes should I look for?  Where can I find them?  As much as I love my brown Doc Marten's lace up shoes, they do not go with everything.

Yours in need,
KT

Behold, the Glory and the Powah that is Zappo's.

The first time I went to Zappo's, my jaw fell open. I drooled. My eyes may have rolled back in my head. 400 bazillion million pairs of shoes! Low prices! Sales! Designer brands! Knock-off no-name brands! And helpful sizing comments like "these shoes run big -- buy a half-size smaller."

I may have wept. And I live in a city with no shortage of shoe stores. But I could buy shoes online! Anytime I wanted! And I wouldn't have to deal with surly salespeople or that goddamn shoe department at the Hecht's in Chevy Chase that always sends me awesome coupons but then NEVER HAS A SINGLE SHOE IN MY SIZE, EVER, THOSE BASTARDS.

Zappo's lets you search by style, type, color, heel, width, whatever. Want sandals? Dress or casual? Slip-on or strap-up? Two-inch heels? Three? Flats? They have it all, and lo, there is free shipping and an awesome return policy.

My only problem with Zappo's is that sometimes? There are just TOO MANY DAMN SHOES. If I don't know exactly what I'm looking for (i.e. "I think I want something kind of...strappy. But not too strappy. Or maybe some kind of slide."), the hundreds of choices can send you into some sort of shoe overload.

So first, I check out what the designers are doing. I buy Vogue or InStyle or whichever mag is currently selling a "Shoe Issue! 475 Must-Have Pairs!" kind of thing. I look at Neiman's and Nordstrom's and see what's popular and what shoes I own must now be banished to the back of the closet because the toe is not the right shape or whatever. Then I look on Zappo's for something similar and (most likely) cheaper.

Right now, flats are still pretty popular, so your no-heel dilemma is not a problem at all. Beware of the ballet flats, however, as they tend to make even slender legs look stumpy. There are some beautiful moccasins and mules out there right now. (That I won't buy, because I am pretending that my feet are just swollen right now and will totally go back to their old size after I give birth so I don't need to get rid of all my shoes and buy bigger ones and I don't care that for some women the change in foot size is permanent, no no no, I can't hear you.)

Oh, and a preemptive response to the commenters who will be shocked that I did not mention NineWest.com as a great place for reasonably-priced shoes: Yes, it can be. Alternatively, it can be a nightmare of inconsistent sizing, back-ordered shoes that never arrive and one son-of-a-bitch-in-hell return policy. NineWest.com has angered me greatly,  and therefore I will wait for Zappo's to put those kick-ass Donald Pilner pumps on sale instead.

O wise, pretty Amalah,

Okay, here's the thing.  I have hair that sounds a lot like yours-- fine and stick-straight.  After having it long and hippie looking all through high school, I got it cut into a basic bob my senior year, and with some mild length fluctuations, a regrettable bangs experiment, and a semester-length fling with boyish short cut, it's been that way ever since.  I've added some highlights because the mouse brown was depressing me, especially in the winter in the northeast, but otherwise...it's been working for me.

Except...and here comes the problem...I just got engaged.  Which means I'm getting married, and I'm beginning to think about how I want to do my hair on the Big Day.  That's not my question...I've decided I want a french twist/chignon type thing.  The problem is?  My short bob that I love so much?  Is too short for how I want my hair to look on my special daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay.  So I'm growing it out. Luckily I have a lot of time until my wedding day, but until then...I have to live with my hair.

And here's the thing:  because my hair is so fine, and so straight, once it gets past my shoulders it's just...dishrag dull.  No wave, no bounce, no personality, no nothing.  I remember this from high school, and while part of the problem in high school was that I hadn't really discovered products, nor did I really take care of my hair, I'm afraid part of it is just...the way my hair behaves.  So, wise pretty Amalah...what kind of a cut should I get that will be both (a) long enough to pull back and stick a veil into, and (b) still give my limp hair some...movement.  I'm not really big into lots of products or hair time investment, but I'm willing to try just about anything, as my hair is rapidly approaching danger length. Help?

Chignon Challenged

Well, for starters, I assume you'll be getting your hair professionally styled for the wedding? (Lord knows I can't do a decent French twist on my own head to save my life.) Because here's the thing: you actually don't need very long hair for a French twist. A professional updo stylist can do amazing things with relatively small amounts of hair. That's why God invented aerosol hair spray and bobby pins that come in packs of 100.

In reality, sleek and pretty updos are actually HARDER to achieve if your hair is too long. For my friend's wedding, I wore my hair down because I have so damn much of it, and any updo would have simply had to pile the like, seven extra inches on top of my head, most likely in a crazy poof of rural Pennsylvania-style ringlets.

For my own wedding, my hair barely touched my shoulders and was full of weird, half-grown-out layers, but my hairdresser still got it to do exactly what I wanted. (Which it is not doing in that picture, because of the 110-degree weather and humidity, but I forgot to scan a better photo.)

So if you can, you might want to pick your wedding stylist now and have him or her tell you just how long your hair needs to be to achieve the style you have in mind. Then get some tips on how to live with it in the meantime. I'm betting it doesn't need to be any longer than shoulder length, and I bet you could get a few longish-layers cut for body and movement in the meantime.

And my standard regimen for fine, limp hair applies: salon-quality volumizing shampoo on the roots, conditioner only on the ends, very small amounts of Pureology Root Lift spray mousse OR Bed Head SuperStar Queen for a Day Thickening Spray for volume. Blowdry your roots first, use a round brush to shape and use cool air on your ends. Finish with Bed Head Headrush spray shine to enhance your color and add texture.

Oh, isn't sad when you get to the end of an entry? And realize that you must wait an entire day before I update again? Or maybe even two days, because I'm so damn lazy? Not today! Now you can go check out my guest entry at the DesignPublic Blog, which includes a really horribly embarrassing photo of the shambles that is the nursery. Also, hot spackling action!

Questions for future Advice Smackdowns can be sent to advice@amalah.com.

Wednesday Advice Smackdown

THIS ENTRY DOES NOT CONTAIN FURTHER BITCHING ABOUT THE SUCKITUDE OF PREGNANCY.

(Except for this one part real quick.)

As I was walking from my car to the office this morning, another woman started talking to me about The Heat.

(Good Lord, The Heat. It's all anyone in the D.C. area can talk about now, honestly. With humidity at four frillion percent and temps in the upper 90s and power generators up and dying under the strain of all the air conditioners running at full blast, we're all kind of obsessed with The Heat.)

(We're also kind of glassy-eyed and panty.)

Anyway. So we're talking about The Heat and The Humidity and The Agony, and she made some sympathetic noises about how horrible it must be to be pregnant right now, which YES YES YES! My favorite topic! Let me tell you just how horrible it is!

She mentioned that both of her children were born in the winter. Which, okay, I'm not going to get annoyed with that, unless you make it clear that you were just so super-fertile you were able to schedule a pregnancy at Optimal Seasonal Effectiveness or something.

But then she started in with the "Oh, enjoy it, it goes so fast, it's such a special time, you'll miss it when it's over, these last few weeks are just so magical, blah blah take time to relax and bond with him because of the magic and the specialness."

And then I killed her. The End.

Time for your questions.

Dearest Queen of Accessorizing,

This spring I bought a beautiful new bag (heretofore referred to as The Purse).The Purse is large, as bags are this season. It is also suede. And camel colored. Have I mentioned how pretty it is? When I first got The Purse, it was a well known fact that if you expected me to leave the house you had better check the weather and tell me that it was NOT GOING TO RAIN. Or I would delay our departure by switching purses. But now? Meh...The lazy has set in, and the cost of the purse had erased itself from my memory. So if it's raining? I just try to walk fast.

My very own laziness has caused The Purse to grow a layer of dinge. Which, ew. But am not ready to part ways with The Purse. I have been a vegetarian for almost ten years now, and for many of those years I did not purchase leather products. But over time the beautiful things wore me down, LIKE SHOES AND PURSES! So you see, I am clueless about how I can take care of The Purse. Whatever can I do to clean up the suede (short of dating the lawn boy for a measly $1,000)?

Sincerely,
Cindy Mancini

I own several suede purses, and I am kind of lazy too. I never waterproof them because I had one bad experience with some water-repelling-suede-spray that totally changed the color and feel of a pair of suede shoes, which in and of itself, is probably pretty lazy. I'm sure there are suede-protectant sprays and products out there that are fabulous, but seriously, my vintage Coach Hobos are NOT GOING TO BE THE GUINEA PIGS IN THIS EQUATION.

Plus, in your case, it sounds like the damage is done and we should really be focusing on what you do NOW, not what you should have done and whether it involved Scotchguarding or simply buying a bigger, cheaper purse in which to shield The Expensive Purse in case of rain.

If you've got major stains and water damage going on, you have to take it to a professional. Someplace with a Big Sign that claims to specialize in leather or suede goods is a good start. Or visit a store that sells a lot of leather and suede and ask where they recommend customers take their products. Or, if you bought it at a really nice department or specialty store, you can always go back and look sad and pouty and ask them for help.

Places to avoid: random drycleaners, cobblers, that guy on the corner who always pees in the bus shelter.

After it comes back to you all clean and nappy again, you need to buy yourself a nice little suede care kit. I have an awesome Coach one that came with one of my bags, but it doesn't look like it's available for individual sale.

(Much like those boxes of individually-wrapped snack cakes. Or gum.)

A good suede care kit should contain at least a suede stone and a suede brush. The stone is used to buff out stains and kind of works like a pencil eraser. (DRY STAINS, by the way. Never attempt to clean suede while it's wet. Blot out [don't rub] as much moisture as you can with a paper towel, and then leave the bag to dry completely.) A suede brush restores the nap of your suede and makes it all soft and nice again.

(You can also use a nail file to buff off stuff like mud and raise the nap, and I'm typing this in parentheses just for the hell of it, because I'm using parentheses within parentheses today and CANNOT STOP.)

If your significant other owns any suede or nubuck shoes, you might want to dig around and see if he owns any suede-care instruments. I found that Jason had ALL KINDS of super-neat shoe-care gadgets. I appropriated most of them to care for my handbags instead. He's never noticed, but then again, he's all stylish and stuff and enjoys having a reason to justify buying a new pair of shoes whenever he wants. ("Look! Scuffed! I need these new awesome ones! As seen in this month's GQ!")

(Parentheses!)

Amy,

Two years ago, my hubby bought me a Coach bag as a gift.  I was surprised (it was way beyond our budget).  And I was unsure if I would keep it (after all, I had never been very into purses before).

Well thank fucking Fred Savage I kept it because it is the best damned bag ever.  Every time I use it I feel like I can hold my own against all other women in the world:      You have a bigger car than I?  No matter, I have a kick-ass bag.      You're going to Hawaii for your anniversary?  Doesn't bother me...have you seen my bag? Et cetera.

Which leads me to my problem: I use the bag, um...er...pretty much every day. It is a great black/white signature bag, so it matches everything I wear (which is almost always black or gray slacks paired with a gray or black top...occasionally I throw a colored top in there).

Which leads me to my question:  my black/white signature bag has served me well for two years, coordinated with almost every outfit I have worn, and become a little beacon of happiness that sits on the passenger seat of my car, under my desk at work, in my lap at the doctor's office, etc.

But I must buy another Coach bag.  I have to begin the process of setting up a "bag rotation" plan. So I ask you:  what bag should I buy? What will fit into my life as well as my current little friend, without being too similar to the current bag?  What can stand up to the daily stress (or hopefully every-other-day-stress) that I will put on the bag?  What will be new and different, but still fit in to my current happy wardrobe/bag family? Thanks for any advice.

Sincerely,
kdamnspot

Ah yes, the First Coach Bag. I remember it well. Jason bought it for me for Christmas, and I probably made him take an entire roll of film's worth of pictures of Me With My Brand New Bag. It was a wine-and-black signature with dark brown leather trim, which gave it the amazing bonus power of coordinating with both black AND brown outfits. I carried it everywhere. I bought the matching rain hat. I own it to this day and still use it more than some of my newer, flashier acquisitions -- so deep is my love for that little purse.

(Reaches over, pets bag lovingly, smiles.)

Anyway. Now is an excellent time to shop for an all-purpose, goes-with-everything utilitarian-yet-luxurious purse, as the fall bags are coming out. Spring and summer bags tend to be bright and colorful and cheery, but they look stupid in the winter when you're bundled up like crazy and carrying a lime-green purse with a twee little butterfly on it, or something. And winter bags can be really, really boring.

But fall bags! So fun. Yet classic. Like the absolutely orgasmic houndstooth and suede satchel  I bought last fall (WITH A COUPON, HATEMAILERS, AND ALSO AS A CONSOLATION FOR BEING CRAZY AND DEPRESSED AND NOT PREGNANT SO KNOCK IT THE FUCK OFF ABOUT MY SICK, SELFISH HANDBAG HABIT).

Man, I can't wait for The Heat to go away so I can carry that satchel around again. Although I should probably zap it with some kind of baby-vomit repelling spray or something. Or just wrap it in Saran Wrap. That wouldn't be weird, would it?

ANY. WAY. If you can stand it, I'd advise you to wait a few more weeks for Coach to release their full fall line -- I'm seeing some gorgeous wine and black and suede-type bags, but a lot of the summery pinky yellowy bags are still available, which means there are More New Styles Coming Soon. (The fabric collections, in particular, still look very summery. And since these are usually the cheaper options, I'd adopt and wait-and-see approach for now.)

(Did any of you have any idea how overcomplicated I can make a simple handbag purchase? Honestly. I have a friend who has a friend who works for Coach and I seriously bribe her for market information and release dates and WHEN IS THE EMPLOYEE SAMPLE SALE AND HOW MUCH CASH CAN YOUR FRIEND CARRY IN ON MY BEHALF?)

If I had to buy a bag today, and wouldn't THAT just be a shame, I'd go with one of the lovely bordeaux-colored Soho totes, since they look so nice with black clothing without actually, you know, being black. And you can just tell that the leather is like buttah on those babies.

(Parentheses! And these have a purpose! Which is ANOTHER disclaimer to hateful emailers or commenters. Everytime I write about purses I get yelled at. And I'm tired of getting yelled at. I. Don't. Care if you don't like Coach bags or think that any expensive purse is a big fucking waste. Don't fucking buy one. But I collect them, and I collect them very carefully and with as much frugality as the brand allows. [Coupons! Scrap sales!] And they make me very, very happy. And you are free to think that this makes me a shallow, shallow person but since it's my site, I would appreciate it very much if you just shut your goddamn cakehole about it.)

Dear Queen of Everything,

First things first - congratulations on the baby. I'm sorry you're freaking out, and I can't really relate because well, I've never been pregnant, but I'm sure it's normal and very understandable.  I'm also sure you'll be a great mommy. Just by reading your blog, I can tell you love your little boy more than any mother loves any other child out there. (Okay, I"m sure the other moms out there will be jumping my ass, but really.. you can tell you love that little boy a whole, whole bunch.)

Anyway - on to my question.  I recently came into a bit of free makeup. Yes, free makeup. I also have spent tons and tons on other makeup, thanks to my friend having a Mary Kay party a few months ago. I don't know what your thoughts on Mary Kay are, but well, I think it's okay stuff. It makes me feel pretty. But I only own one makeup brush. It's a Maybelline eye shadow brush that I bought a zillion and a half years ago. I wash it, but well, it's THE ONLY ONE I OWN.  What makeup brushes (and/or brush sets) would you recommend? I can't spend a billion dollars, but I'd like something decent. Your help is greatly appreciated.

Manda

PS: I apologize if this question was already asked & answered. I started going through the archives only to get sucked in by every entry I've already read and forgot what it was I was trying to find.

Firstly and thusly, I have no problem with Mary Kay. There's certainly better stuff out there, but for the price and the convenience (if you have a good rep, that is), Mary Kay is quite excellent.

(Random plug: Mary Kay's Satin Hands set. My mother-in-law bought me this set a couple years ago and I STILL have it and I STILL love treating myself to a whole hand-moisturizing-production about once a month and yes, it STILL works. Heavenly.)

As for brushes, the only brush I feel strongly about is the foundation brush. (I'm too lazy to look up the infamous foundation brush how-to entry. I need a freaking macro for it, or something, because I swear, I link to it EVERY WEDNESDAY.) If you use foundation, you should own one, and you should not completely cheap out on it. I love this one. So much.

Otherwise, I think this set from Sonia Kashuk provides pretty much everything else you need. Powder brush (for loose and/or bronzing powder), blush brush (for...duh), that essential little eyebrow-brush-slash-eyelash-comb thing, and then medium, small and angled eyeshadow brushes (essential for shadow AND for blending eyeliner). All for $30! Hooray for Target!

I own probably a dozen extra brushes that I never use (one set, I believe, was a promotional gift from my mom's Mary Kay rep), but I keep them around because one day I might discover what the hell they're all for.

(Seven parathetical references in five paragraphs. Not bad!)

Dear Amalah,

I'm such a big fan of your hilarious, snarky, touching blog.  I desperately need your advice on makeup and the DC summer.

This is my second summer here and I'm not adapting well.  I'm a northern girl and oy, this heat, this humidity!  I get so sweaty just on the 2-block walk from the Metro to work that lately I've just abandoned makeup.  Not a good look because my skin tone needs to be evened and oh lord, the size of my pores.

My normal powder foundation comes off easily and looks too matte and fake in this weather.  But it seems like a liquid one would slide off right away.  What to do?  My skin is combo - dry cheeks, oily forehead.  I use a light moisturizer with SPF.  Should I use primer?  Tinted moisturizer?  Mattifying SPF and tinted moisturizer?  I'm so bewildered!  Please help! Thanks for any and all advice!

Sweaty in DC

See, people? I am not making shit up about The Heat. It is Oppressive, and even worse, it is making us all Look Bad And Not Pretty.

This is my...let me count...SEVENTH summer in D.C. Good Lord. I'm not sure how well I've adapted either, although this particular summer is particularly hellish and will be forever known as The Summer Of My Discontent And Non-Stop Bitching.

But! I have learned how to take care of my skin in this accursed climate, and I will now share my tips with you in list form, because it's easier and I'm all tired and stuff.

1. Consider changing your cleanser. I stay away from creamy cleansers in the summer and use a complexion bar instead -- like Burt's Bees Garden Tomato or Aveeno. I'd rather deal with a little dryness than oil, so I treat my combination skin like it's all oily (which, after a few weeks in This Heat, is usually what happens).

2. Use a clay or mud mask twice a week on your t-zone (or wherever your pores are big and scary and clogged). I use Ahava's mud mask and DAMN, that shit yanks everything out of your pores. EVERYTHING. So I don't recommend it for people with sensitive skin. Your skin may get red and angry, especially if you venture beyond the t-zone. I use the mask for oily skin, but it's available for dry-to-normal skin as well. That might be gentler, but I cannot testify to its pore-sucking power. Jason used this mask for the first time over the weekend (seriously, y'all, The Heat is THAT BAD. It's driving MEN to MASKS, for chrissakes), and he was extremely impressed with all the crap it cleared off his sweaty, manly face.

3. Use an oil-free, matifying moisturizer. I like Shiseido Pureness or Ahava. I have heard such high praise for the tinted moisturizers, but have not tried them myself, for reasons mostly related to laziness. If the makeup regimen I describe doesn't sound like it will provide enough coverage for you, then by all means, buy a tinted moisturizer instead and have years of happiness with it. Then send me some to play with.

4. NO LIQUID FOUNDATION. Or cream foundation. Or liquid power foundation or any of the million other options like that. You will just sweat more, and your pores will become big, foundation-sucking potholes.

5. OIL-ABSORBING SHEETS. Yes, the little Clean & Clear thingies. They are your new best friend. Carry them everywhere. Use one before you put your makeup on. After you get on the Metro. When you get to work. They stop the shine dead and that means you won't be tempted to keep dusting on the powder over and over, which just makes your skin feel worse.

4. Use the sheerest powder you can find. Oil-free, of course. (Neutrogena makes one, as do several of the higher-end lines.) If you can bear appearing in public without makeup, wait until you're on the Metro to apply it. Buy a new sponge-thing for your compact regularly, or wash the existing one out with soap at least once a week.

5. Use bronzing powder instead of blush. Your face is going to get all red and huffy anyway, so go for a casual, sun-kissed look instead of a perfectly-matte complexion and rosy cheeks. Because that? Is just not happening.

6. Drink lots and lots of water. It makes your skin happy.

7. And remember, we're all in This Heat together, so no one's judging you for looking all sweaty or waiting until you're in the office elevator to apply makeup.

It's just too damn hot to judge.

I have nine weeks until my due date. I currently have enough Smackdown questions to last about five more weeks. You do the math. And then send questions to advice@amalah.com. (It's too hot for math over here. Or for being alive, frankly.)

Wednesday Advice Smackdown

GODDAMN. IT IS HOT.

STUPID CITY THAT WAS BUILT ON A STUPID SWAMP WITH THE HUMIDITY AND THE WHATNOT. FEET ARE TOO SWOLLEN FOR CUTE SHOES. HAIR IS LIMP. MOOD IS CRANKY.

LET'S GET THIS ADVICE THING OVER WITH BEFORE I MELT OR RUN SOMEBODY OVER WITH MY CAR.

Dearest, Smartest, and Most-Worldliest Amalah,

I am going to be 26 soon, and have been married for a little over a year to my wonderful husband.  The marriage was sort of a surprise to both of us, having both been consummate singles with no real plan of finding "the one" ever in our lives, EVER, but we have found each other and are madly in love and etc etc etc. 

My question is about children, since I know nothing about them or the gestation process which comes with them.  I have plenty of years left with viable eggs and spanking-fresh ovaries, but my husband is 11 years older than me and we spend a lot of time talking about when we should have children.  I mean, I'm ready now in the sense that "yeah, a baby would be nice because I'm female and married and mostly ready to procreate," but I'd like to wait until we're more financially stable.  The husband had pretty much written off children because of his late-in-life bachelor stage, but he would like a baby as well, but has the opinion that we should wait another year or so, which makes sense because he's still getting used to the fact that he's married.

So, here's my conundrum: How long should we wait  before kids?  We're both ready now, but we keep putting it off until "we get a house."  Until "he gets out of the navy."  Until "we have more money in the savings account."  We keep seeming to put it off, which is fine with both of us, but I keep wondering if we should be waiting SO long because he is so much older than me and I don't want him to be 80 when our kids graduate the oh-so-expensive college that they'll probably want to go to.  We're both ready in a sense, but there are so many factors to factor in....  What do you think?

Queenie

I think you should not care what I think. Or what anybody thinks. There are only two people who should be involved in this decision: you and your husband.

For starters, you should both really, really want a baby. You should feel ready to give up the life you have now and turn everything topsy-turvy and upside-down because you really want a baby that badly.

You should also realize that there will never be "the perfect time" when the stars align and your bank account is overflowing and you find the house of your dreams and look! The previous owners left us a crib and a fully-decorated nursery! It's a sign!

And you should remember that trying to get pregnant can sometimes take a lot longer than you think it will. This is Jason's advice to any of our friends who are debating the To Kid Or Not To Kid Question. He was understandably freaked when I went off the pill several years ago (mostly because of my dad's poor health and a complete freak-out on my part when I imagined having a child who might never know him). A year later, he was puzzled and a little frustrated. A year after that, he was all, "Okay, WHAT THE HELL."

(Five minutes after that, I was pregnant.)

But more than anything, don't let people like me scare you with stories like that. Don't let your family be all up in your "So when are you going to have a baaaayyy-beee" grill. Don't let your friends sway you with the "It's the greatest thing we've ever done! Join us! JOOOOIN US!" crap. Don't do anything just because you feel like it's what you "should" do.

Have a baby because you want to, when you want to. Enjoy your time alone with your husband, and make sure you're really ready to say goodbye to that for another 18 to 20 years. Go on some vacations.

And then one day, when you look at someone else's tiny baby, you may feel your chest go tight and your arms will ache and you'll be overwhelmed with the urge to smell that baby's head. Then you'll know. It's time.

Dear Amalah,

I'd bet dollars to donuts you have covered this before but, unfortunately, beauty and its related paraphernalia are not my strong suit (which is why you won't be seeing pictures of me on my blog). People get to talking about Bed Head this and emulsifying that and my eyes glaze over.

Anywho, I am about to go get an awesome haircut next month when I go to California (yes, I have to travel 1500+ miles to get a decent haircut. I live in Hell, also known as Oklahoma). What I'm in the market for is a good styling product. I currently have some Paul Mitchell garbage-in-a-can and some sorry, half-assed excuse for hairspray (also Paul Mitchell) that manages to, at the same time, both NOT hold my hair in the slightest AND glue the top layer together in a crunchy mass. My hairstyle is going to be short and I have to blow it dry to get it to lie flat. (It's board-straight except it flips up at the ends.) It's very thick and fairly fine. Also I have Issues with excess oil production so I don't want anything that's going to make me look like a big fucking slimeball who never showers five minutes after I've put it on.

Something readily available in the stores would be good, though if the best solution involves a purchase at a salon I'm cool with it. Thank you!

Mary B.

Well, in my experience, no matter what your Styling Issue is, Paul Mitchell is NEVER the right answer. Loathe, hate, seethe.

(Apologies to anyone who loves Paul Mitchell products and...oh, fuck it. No apologies. Get your own advice column and keep your defensive huffiness out of my comments section. Is too hot for this shit.)

From your question, however, I'm not quite getting what your actual Styling Issue is. Frizz? Volume? Cowlicks? A refusal to blow-dry straight?

Believe it or not, I do not advocate the use of styling products JUST FOR THE SAKE OF USING STYLING PRODUCTS. Especially on fine, oily hair. If your hair is doing what you like it to do without any products, then great! Don't use any.

I own a lot of styling products just because I like to wear my hair in a lot of different ways, not because I actually goop on 17 different products every morning. Some days, I don't use anything other than some leave-in conditioner on my somewhat-frizzy ends. Other days, I go all out with the root lift spray and straightening gel and spray shine and texture paste.

So Mary, if you're reading today, leave a comment and let us know exactly What Your Hair Does That You Wish It Didn't, or What You Wish Your Hair Would Do That It Doesn't (besides the oil production issue, which I covered in last week's Smackdown), and we shall pool the collective Hair Talents of all Amalah.com readers and offer some specific suggestions.

Beyond, you know, that Paul Mitchell products are crap in a can.

Dearest Amalah,

Not so very long ago you shared your sacred advice on how to get knocked up with me. And like any loyal Amalah reader, I followed it. And VOILA! Here I am, 16 weeks pregnant.

Now, not that I'm not grateful for the previous advice, but I forgot to ask you something: Once you get pregnant, HOW DO YOU STOP THE PUCKING????? I mean, I'm in my second trimester already!! Don't you think this should have STOPPED by now? How did you finally get it to go away, oh wisest of expectant mothers?

Love,
Bellabelly

(Since this question was sent to me, oh, four hundred weeks ago, I sincerely hope that Bellabelly is no longer puking and that my answering this question now will only help other pregnant women currently caught in the Evil Grasp of the Puking, and that Bellabelly can leave a comment along the lines of AM FINE NOW, BITCH, THANKS FOR NOTHING.)

(Although, if the puking hasn't stopped, she has my deepest sympathies, but also my command to NOT EVER TELL ANOTHER NEWLY PREGNANT WOMAN ABOUT HER NEVER-ENDING PUKING. People LOVED to tell me about some woman they knew who had morning sickness for the full nine months or until she stopped breast-feeding or some other horror story, and they are SO LUCKY I felt too sick to murder them, because SHUT UP. NOT HELPING.)

I tried EVERYTHING to stop the puking. (Well, everything short of the prescription drugs like Zofran, which I was not NEARLY sick enough for, although that didn't stop dozens of people from telling me that my doctor was an idiot and an asshole for not putting me on it, because apparently, some doctors are prescribing the stuff to anyone who wants it. And not to get all Tom Cruise on you, but that's just wrong and insane. Zofran is serious stuff for SEVERE morning sickness, not for someone who is tired of throwing up once or twice a day. I could keep my prenatal vitamin down and never got dehydrated, so I didn't need it, so please stop questioning my medical decisions.)

(Beware the tangential soapbox!)

Anyway, I tried every folksy remedy people threw at me. Sucking on lemon candies made me gag, and after finally tracking down a ginger ale that had actual ginger it in (because everyone told me it would be SO much better than the sugar-water stuff at the grocery store), I couldn't even take a sip without puking it right back up.

What did help? Well, water, saltines and Canada Dry. Eating whatever sounded relatively good to me at the time, regardless of nutritional value. If I got worked up about not eating enough healthy stuff and then tried to eat the healthy stuff, I learned that I would just throw up the healthy stuff so why bother? Eat the goddamn chicken nuggets and be done with it.

I took my prenatal vitamin at night, with some crackers, and never threw it up once. I tried adding a vitamin B6 supplement too, but didn't feel a difference.

My mother-in-law gave me the best advice: a heating pad (set on low) right on the belly, as if you had really bad menstrual cramps.

I didn't really see what good this would do, but OH MY GOD, THE RELIEF. It totally stopped the dry heaving (which on some days was even worth than the actual puking -- I just walked around gagging on like, oxygen, and feeling like I would projectile vomit at any moment).

I still wasn't able to really EAT until week 16 (although I noticed a marked improvement right at week 13). And I still can't really handle chicken in anything other than a processed nugget form. Oh! And let's not forget all the heartburn, ingestion and constipation that starts in earnest during the second trimester!

Pregnancy: One Big Joyride Down the Gastrointestinal Tract.

Dear Amalah, Oh Sassy Goddess of Life,

I have a question. And I'm not quite sure if you can answer. But you seem to know everything about everything and so here goes.... I'm now a stay-at-home mom. In my "previous life" I paid the bills by writing. (At one point I was a reporter. When I needed more money to get OUT of my parents' house, I worked at an engineering/architectural firm writing (corporate) magazine articles, newsletters, press releases and white papers.) 

My dream has always been to write for magazines. There's FINALLY a very cool local fitness/health/fashion mag in St. Louis and I'm DYING to write for them. They do look for freelance writers, but I'm guessing the competition is tough. Its the ONLY local mag worth writing for.

How in the HELL do I get their attention? (I've already written the editor an e-mail about how I LOVE their mag and offered my services). I found out the next issue would cover plastic surgery. I told them I've had a procedure done and journaled the experience. SO are they interested? I haven't heard anything from them yet. Was this completely lame? How do I get my foot in the door? I would give them the story for FREE just to have the experience.

Also, the women who started the mag are very hip chickies that look like they are MAYBE in their late 20's. I'm a stay-at-home suburban mom in my 30's -- so very white bread. So very mom-ish. Definitely NOT sassy and sophisticated like you are. (At least not anymore.) And ok. I really don't know what my question is here but....

How do I get my foot in the door? I really don't have any real contacts in the magazine arena. And besides its been forever since I've been PAID to write -- for this mag or any national one for that matter. If by some act of God, my work is accepted what do I charge? How do I determine what I charge. Can they read the "momishness" in my work? Will that help or hinder me? Eeek!

Signed,
Dying to feel like a person instead of a care-giving robot who spends too much time playing with Matchbox cars and reading "Walter the Farting Dog".

GOD. I DON'T KNOW. Does anybody know? Because DUDE, I just this minute found out that I? Really, really need some extra money all of a sudden.

I talked to my HR department about maternity leave MONTHS ago, and I was directed to our company intranet and the information about short-term disability and blah blah blah. "Short-term disability payments continue for a maximum of 12 weeks," the friendly intranet told me. Perfect!

And HR said not to worry about filling out all the actual paperwork until closer to my due date, so la la la, I lived in happy 12-weeks-of-short-term-disability land until today, when I actually went to get the paperwork so my doctor could fill out his part at my check-up this afternoon.

And the friendly intranet left off a CRUCIAL BIT OF INFORMATION, which is that while yes, short-term disability will continue for a maximum of 12 weeks, when you're talking pregnancy, they'll only pay for six weeks after delivery.

SIX. WEEKS. After that, you're unpaid. Unless you have lots of vacation time, which I? Do not. And I? Am a colossal idiot. I KNOW, OKAY? PLEASE DON'T YELL AT ME FOR MAKING STUPID ASSUMPTIONS OR WAITING SO LONG TO FINALIZE EVERYTHING. BAD STUPID AMALAH, YES, WE GET IT.

Jesus Christ. We still need a fucking CRIB, and like, STUFF, because all I have are some onesies and a bib and two receiving blankets, and we've already put down deposits on all the home renovations and we did stupid things like buy a new car and a camera and I bought that new purse and who knows if daycare will come through right at 12 weeks and JASON is freaking out about six weeks of unpaid leave and if JASON is freaking out than we MUST be royally and totally SCREEEEWED.

(pant, pant)

So hello! Magazines! Newspapers! Would you like a freelancer? Perhaps a funny story about blogging culture? Fake advice columnist? Anything? I need money.

Normally, this is where I put the advice@amalah.com link and invite your questions, but since today's column has imploded so spectacularly  into chaos and panic, I'm just going to sit here and hyperventilate for a little bit.

Wednesday Advice Smackdown

USUAL SUCKAGE DISCLAIMER BLAH BLAH BLAH: I have been up for many, many hours already as Cabinet Man was at our house at 6 am today for the final, official, swear-to-God-we're-actually-going-to-make-progress measurement of our kitchen.  So now we can order our cabinets and countertops and it looks like all our home renovations (which I figured would start in June), will start sometime in August. Which means I CANNOT GIVE BIRTH EARLY OR ELSE THERE WILL BE NO KITCHEN. Not that the baby will likely care about the kitchen, as I'll be his own personal feeding station, but I WILL CARE DEEPLY, as I plan to eat a lot of microwaveable popcorn while on maternity leave.

In other news, I went to the dermatologist this morning to get some various weird pregnancy-related skin things checked out. (All fine, just weird.) And in case you've ever wondered what sort of neighborhood I live in, consider this sign on display at the dermatologist's office.

Good to know! Thanks doc!

(Photo courtesy of my new! camera! phone! That I have had for two weeks and only recently learned how to 1) take pictures, and 2) get said pictures off the phone, because I'm an idiot who threw out the user's manual.)

And now on with that stupid advice thing.

Amalah,

I've been keeping up with your site for a few months now and I wanted to heap piles of praise your way. Thank you, thank you for sharing your life with all of us.

I recently bought a dress from eBay. I've never bought clothing online before (I buy most clothes based on texture and fabric, so Internet shopping scares me). It's a silk, strapless Philip DiCaprio at a price I could not beat. The dress should arrive on my doorstep today, but I'm already sure it will be about two sizes too big. I get the sense that you hover at the bottom of the size scale. I live there, too.

So here is my dilemma, which I humbly submit to your Internet/DC/beauty expertise. First, do you have any general Internet clothing shopping tips -- warning signs, questions to ask sellers, etc.? But more urgently, what do I do with my new, too big dress? I'd like to take it to a tailor (I live in NW DC), but I don't know how to find someone reputable. I also don't know what to say to them, other than "make it fit better." Is there a special tailor lingo? Is it okay to take it to a dry cleaners with a sign in the window screaming "ALTERATIONS," or should I go to a fancy department store? How do I get the best bargain, and what is a reasonable price?

Ellen

I've bought stuff off eBay too -- most notably a designer bridesmaid dress for $50. It was exactly my size, but the seller neglected to mention that she'd had the dress altered down to a size zero, or possibly a negative 12. So, you know, that's my new top question to ask: Has the item been altered, and if so, was any fabric cut? (I also won't buy anything from super-inexperienced sellers, anyone without a lot of positive feedback, or from sellers who don't use PayPal and require that I mail them a check or something before they'll ship the item out. And since I mostly use eBay for designer stuff, I look for stuff that's "NWT" (new with tags) and a guarantee of authenticity.)

Luckily for my dress, nothing had been cut from the dress, so after a few minutes of ripping out seams I was able to actually get the thing on and not feel like such a whale compared to the dress' previous owner, who may or may not have have been a very tall nine-year-old girl.

Then I took it to my mom's house to have her run some of seams BACK in because I have no breasts.

But since my mom does not moonlight as a seamstress unless I show up whining, garment in hand, trying to save money because I will spend $90 on pants but won't pay $10 to have them hemmed, I guess that doesn't help you much.

Unless you've heard really good things about a dry cleaners' tailoring services, I wouldn't risk taking a nice, irreplaceable dress there. Maybe do a test run and have them hem some pants or take in a dress that you don't care so much about first. Otherwise, ask your friends for recommendations. Call a bridal shop and ask where they send their customers for alterations. Or just take it to Nordstrom's, because they're awesome and would probably alter a burlap sack for you and not even bat an eye.

OR! We could ask my DC-area readers for their tailoring recommendations. Yes, let's do that too. Anyone?

Hello!

I have a head full of thick (THICK!) yet fine and oily hair. It’s naturally wavy so if I get it layered just right it curls up real nice on its own. I’m using Suave Volumizing Shampoo and Conditioner (compare to Matrix!) and was wondering if you knew of any other products that work to get curl without weighing down hair.

If my hair wasn’t oily it wouldn’t be such an issue. I don’t usually dry my hair, just my bangs (I was blessed with two cowlicks, yay me).

BTW, I took your advice on training bangs to go in a certain style and it worked for me.

Thanks!
Tanya

Suave shampoo? Like from the drugstore?

Oy, the blow to my heart, it hurts.

I used to think I had really oily hair too, back in high school and college. I was also using drugstore-brand shampoos and conditioners. (Pantene, bleharrrgh.) Guess what! My hair is not so very oily after all. It just gets angry at cheapness and inferiority. Please, throw out the Suave and invest in a salon-quality shampoo. Pleeeeease.

My absolute favorite volumizing shampoo and conditioner are from the Graham Webb Halo line. They're perfect for ultra-fine hair like ours because they're very light and gentle, but still do a fabulous job of getting rid of product build-up so our roots stay squeaky-clean and oil-free all day. Use the shampoo ONLY on your roots, and use the conditioner ONLY on your ends. I cannot stress this enough.

If you're still looking for some extra curl, try Catwalk Curls Rock Booster, from the good people who brought us my beloved Bed Head line. Spray it on wet hair (avoiding your roots and bangs, of course), scrunch a couple times and let dry. Ta-da! It's an ultra-light aerosol spray, and as long as you're following the roots-and-ends rule of shampoo and conditioner, you should be able to use it without seeing any extra oil or ickiness.

Dear Amalah,

I recently went to the salon (yesterday) for a change. I wanted dark copper/red on the underside of my hair with kicky blonde and dark copper/red highlights on the top. I ended up looking like Donatella Versace, which as you can imagine, was so very NOT the look I was going for. There are no copper/red highlights or chunks anywhere to be found on my head. Yet, I now have dark roots and orange hair when I once had naturally dark blonde hair. What should I do? Please refer to orange photo of self.

Shano

Well, for starters, I don't think you look very orange at all. You do look washed out, though, because you're right -- there's no contrast or highlights anywhere in your hair.

For seconders, copper and red highlights on blonde hair are REALLY difficult to achieve. I tried strawberry blonde highlights once, and just ended up looking...more blonde. Like platinum blonde with some vague goldish tones that mostly looked like I'd done a peroxide bottle-job on myself. And this was at a very nice salon with my favorite colorist in the world. (Who just had her baby! And who will be coming back to work soon! Hallelujah! Saints be praised and etc.!)

So I'm not surprised your highlights didn't work out as planned. But the only way to fix your color is to get...well, more highlights.

Or more accurately, you need lowlights. Preferably in your natural shade of dark blonde, possibly a shade darker to anticipate for fading. But before you get more color on you hair (which from your photo looks like it's fairly fine and probably in agony after all the coloring you've had already), take some time to get your hair really healthy and re-moisturized.

Highlights on dried-out, over-processed hair are ALWAYS a disaster. The color sets really quickly and never comes out as anticipated, and then fades to some other non-anticipated color within a week.

So. Buy a deep conditioner or hot oil treatment, and see if your salon offers a professional deep conditioning treatment. Splurge for one about a week before you plan to re-color, and use a deep or restorative conditioner (on. your. ends.) at home every day after that. Then go back to the salon and tell them you want lowlights in your natural color. Go for small foils -- no big crazy chunks or anything, and get your whole head done. That should bring down the blonde!blonde!blonde! to a more natural and non-Donatella level.

Dear Amalah,

I am a professional bellydancer in need of hair help!

I like to set my hair in steam rollers and wear it loosely curled for shows. When I first come out to do a show, it looks great (like this). The problem is, I sweat a LOT when I dance, and my hair looks like that pretty picture for about 3 minutes. Then it starts to melt (like this), and then it completely falls apart. And this is only for the FIRST show - I may have up to four in a single night.

So my question is - is there ANY product that will keep my hair from doing the total meltdown?? I have worn three-quarter falls and such in the past to avoid this issue entirely, but I tend to be more timid when I'm dancing with fake hair, because I'm afraid it will slide out and land in somebody's hummus plate or something. Please help! :)

Yours,
Lucy

MAN, my life is so boring. I wish I did something cool like professional belly dancing. And I wish I didn't have the overwhelming urge to make some stupid joke about my belly always dancing these days because of the wee karate-chopper I'm currently incubating, because that is LAME and STUPID.

What is also stupid is that you've kind of stumped me. If you're sweating a lot, the LAST thing I can recommend are a lot of styling products in your hair, because they'll melt down along with your hair (possibly pulling the curl out even faster), and could even end up running down your face and into your eyes, which would NOT be good, and you could sue me for beauty-product-related blinding.

And that's the reason that gymnasts, cheerleaders and ballet dancers wear their hair slicked back in tight buns and ponytails and use 400 bobby pins. Is there some sort of hair code or rule for belly dancing that says your hair should be completely down and free? You might want to experiment with pinning just the front of your hair back, since the sweat factor is usually the worst right along the forehead and hairline. This way, the meltdown won't be quite so noticeable at first, since the back of your hair should hold on to the curl a little longer.

If that's not an option, you could try a few of the tips I gleaned from some ballroom and Irish step dance sites, where the participants do wear their hair down and curled.

They recommend using soft curlers instead of hot rollers. (That girl on the homepage looks extremely freaky and Raggedy-Anne-like, but I get what they're going for. You just need to not use so damn many curlers or find a larger-sized brand.) Curls created with heat or steam are not going to be as tight or long-lasting as curls from letting wet hair dry naturally while wrapped tightly in curlers. Curlers are a pain in the ass, of course, since it takes FOREVER for hair to dry when wrapped up all tight, so unless you can sleep with them in, you're walking around with curlers in your hair ALL DAY.

But! Those curls look like they'd make it through at least two or three shows, and could probably be re-formed with some scrunching and extra hairspray fairly easily.

So you could either: 1) Put the curlers in at night, sleep on them, take them out in the morning and wrap your head loosely in a bandanna or scarf during the day to protect the curls until your show, or 2) Put the curlers in a couple hours before the show and try to speed up the process with a blowdryer (again, adding heat might make for less durable curls, but I know we all have reasonable limits for how much time we want to devote to our quest for the perfect hair).

So try that, or like, AquaNet hairspray. I played field hockey in junior high and we'd all spray up our big, curled-up bangs with AquaNet before our games and hell, my bangs stayed pretty damn big the whole time. (Of course, I was not a very good player and probably spent most of my time on the field trying to stay as far away from the actual hockey aspect of the game as possible.)

Blah blah blah advice@amalah.com big-ass backlog don't expect and answer right away and if you're asking about hair, PLEASE include a photo (which I won't post unless you specifically tell me that's okay) and as many details as possible instead of just sending me questions that say, "I have hair on my head. What products should I be using?" Because I don't know. Have you tried mayonnaise?

Wednesday Advice Smackdown

DISCLAIMER: It has been recently discovered that your advice-giver's kitchen is completely infested with a common household pest known as the "confused flour beetle." So please think twice before taking advice from this individual, because 1) ew, there are tiny little bugs in all her dry goods, and 2) even those tiny little bugs are confused and stupid.

Dear Amalah, Queen of Everything,

I have an embarrassing problem, which I am sure you do not have because you are so polished and lovely. I have not been able to find an anti-perspirant that works for me. The deodorant part works fine, so it's not like I smell bad, but I get sweaty and it's completely disgusting.

My question for you is: do you know an anti-perspirant that works? I do not mind if it is expensive, as this is clearly an important problem that is worth spending money to solve.

Please help! If you can't help me, I don't know who can. You are the best!

Name Withheld Because, Well, Duh

Actually, you know who can help you? Sars and all her readers over at her advice column, The Vine. (That she does DAILY. Which means EVERY DAY.)

The original question.

And the resulting reader-suggestion-palooza.

My take would be to first try different men's deodorants/anti-perspirants (if you haven't already), because no matter how much bullshit Secret tries to pile on about being strong enough for a man, it isn't. I mean, I love my Secret Platinum Invisible Solid With Olay Conditioners to death, but I'm not a very sweaty person, and I never really give it much of a challenge, since I don't exercise. Ever. Try Degree, Mitchum or Arrid. Stay away from clear gels and experiment with roll-ons vs. solids.

If those fail, consider moving on to the industrial-strength types: Certain Dri or Drysol (requires a prescription). These are treatments that you use only at bedtime, and are a no-go for anyone with really sensitive skin. Unless you decide some irritation is worth it if you could JUST STOP THE SWEATING BECAUSE EW.

Or you can Botox your pits, apparently. Which, okay! Good luck with that.

Oh pretty and wise Amy,

I have lots and lots of hair. It is kind of pretty and sometimes shiny if I braid it or something but notsomuch normally because it is curly and curly hair doesn't take well to shiny (light refracting and all that jazz). My hair is my security blanket. I want to cut it...but I have nightmares about it... I know that keeping my hair long means that it goes straight and flat around my face making it appear even more round and pudgy. Which I hate. But? Am scared!

I don't use any products in my hair, nor do I blow dry it or use any styling implements on it besides a detangling comb. I've had shorter hair before and, while very cute, took *hours* of blow-drying straight, curling ends up or down with fat curling iron, and fighting Texas humidity with Aveda's purefume humectant pommade... okay, well not *hours* but it felt like it. And it's really too humid up in Texas to be standing around in a hot and foggy bathroom with a hot-ass blow-dryer making you all sweaty and i-need-to-take-a-shower-again-but-oh-my-god-my-hair!. And I *love* being able to get out of the shower, comb my hair, pull it away from my face and go... takes all of 5 minutes. Lurv!

But I am losing lots of weight and trying to get wee... and when you start losing lots of weight you start to say to yourself "Self, you are lookin' mighty fine but all that hair? that you were hiding behind? because you were hugemongous? Girl, that's got to go!" So here I am, ready to get The Cut and ready to spend The Money (assuming it's under $150) but can I find a flattering cut where I don't have to blow-dry/straighten it? Am willing to use product. But I.hate.blow-dryers! And curling irons! hatehatehatehate.

So please pretty and wise Amalah & Squishy, save me from the hair and from blow-dryers & curling irons?

Yours truly,
Hair down to there

This is a tough one. Every woman on earth is in search of that perfect haircut that lets us step out of the shower, toss our heads and then ta-da!  Breck girl super fantastic!

But the problem usually lies with our hair, which will keep doing the annoying things it does no matter what haircut we get.

Case in point: My hair is long, fine and mostly straight. I currently have a nice layered cut that lets me forgo blow-drying...but only if I wear my hair wavy with lots of scrunching and product. If I actually want to wear my straight hair straight...I have to blow-dry, or else it gets frizzy and bendy. Hair: It's A Confusing, Stupid Bitch.

You can ask your stylist for a low-maintenance cut, but their idea of low-maintenance will probably be different than yours. My hairdresser blow dries his wife's hair every morning and doesn't understand why Jason refuses to do the same for me. "It's easy!" he exclaims, while taking 20 minutes to dry my hair one tiny tiny section at a time.

So try cutting your hair gradually. You don't have to do it all at once like they do on the makeover shows. Cut off a few inches at a time and add some long layers for texture. (And layers make blow-drying much, MUCH easier, as they remove a lot of weight from your hair. It's the heavy, all-one-length kind of cut that requires hours and hours of blow-drying.)

By going shorter gradually you'll be better able to pick the length that compliments your new, thinner features. If you go from looooong to bob-length you're more likely to flip out, hate it, and then be stuck with styling a cut you don't like for months and months while you grow it out. But by cutting two or three inches off each time you get a haircut (every six to eight weeks), you may find that you only need to go shoulder-length for best results, and if you do go a bit too short...well, it'll be back to the length you liked in just another month or so.

And if you do find a short cut you love, even if it requires blow-drying, there are ways to speed up the process -- especially once you've taken length and weight off. Buy an ionic dryer with an angled attachment and a cool-air setting. Blow-dry your roots first, using high heat. Then separate your hair into about six sections (two on each of the sides, two or three in the back) using duckbill clips and dry each section individually with a round brush. Use the cool setting on the ends to prevent frizz. Then give your whole head a blast with the cool air to set your style.

Hello, Amalah,

I have bra issues. My situation is that I have small "ones" that are about an a/b cup (this is a guess). I've never been properly fitted and wouldn't know the first thing about where to go to do this or what to buy. Because of my small size, I had always bought the three-to-a-pack kind of bras (the Barely There), which I've come to find out...Barely Work. As I've gotten older, I don't deal with sag, but I do deal with the boobies kind of "looking off to the side" if you know what I mean. With this very thin bra, my straps fall down, the bra rides up in back, I'm falling out (yes, even I'm falling out). I was coming to realize that, yes, even I needed a good bra.

At about that time, I saw this great show on Oprah titled "Oprah's Bra Intervention" for which I could have easily been a candidate. I watched in awe as several well-endowed as well as small chested women were transformed with proper fittings and proper bras. Some looked 10 pounds lighter simply because of their bra. It was even mentioned that 85% of women wear the wrong bra size! It wasn't until I saw these makeovers that I realized what I had been missing and that there is the perfect bra out there, even for me. It's time to grow up and get fitted and then get a wonderful bra (or five).

So, my questions are these: (Pre Pregnancy) - where did you get fitted? Was it a good fitting? What is the best bra you've ever had for regular, every-day wear?

Thank you!
Amy

Ah yes, the days of small boobs. I remember them well. Mostly because they are STILL HERE, AS I AM STILL ONLY A FREAKING 34C (BARELY) AT SIX MONTHS ALONG, GODDAMN IT ALL TO HELL. I mean, it's better than the 32A I was before, but still. I was just expecting something a little...more. Like Pamela Anderson more. Was that unrealistic of me?

Anyway, I have never been "fitted" for a bra, because I don't like other people touching me, particularly in small fitting-room settings. I've always measured myself, because you CAN and it's EASY, particularly for smaller-chested girls. (Once you get into the larger and hard-to-find sizes, I've always heard that yes, it's best to get fitted by a "bra professional," whatever the hell that is, but HI, 32A HERE.)

(By the way, that "85% of women are wearing the wrong bra size" statistic has reached urban legend proportions at this point, with every upscale lingerie shop screaming it to lure women in for fittings even though YOU CAN DO IT YOURSELF. I found it on four different websites while fact-checking my measuring procedure for this column.)

HOW TO MEASURE YOUR BOOBS*

*Hello Googlers! This is probably not what you were looking for and has absolutely nothing to do with Britney Spears. Sorry.

1. Stand upright, yet relaxed, in an unlined or lightly-lined bra.

2. Using a soft tape measure, go around the bottom band of your bra, along the top of your ribcage. Pull the tape taut, but not too tight.

3. Add five inches to this measurement to determine your band size. My ribcage measurement is currently 29, which means I'm a 34. If you end up on an odd number, you most likely want the next even size up, but not always. Try both sizes on and see which one fits better (no riding up, no slippage, and no marks left on your skin).

4. Next, measure LOOSELY around the fullest part of your boob. Keep the tape at an even level all around your torso. The difference between this measurement and your band size determines your cup size, with each inch of difference equaling one cup size. My bust measurement is 37 -- three inches more than my band size. That's a C-cup, baby.

If the difference is...
Less than 1 inch = AA cup
1 inch = A cup
2 inches = B cup
3 inches = C cup
4 inches = D cup
5 inches = DD cup

And so on and so forth.

Now, as for my favorite bra, it's nothing earth-shattering. I like Victoria's Secret. Sure, they're expensive and the catalogs are annoying and neverending, but hey, it's a convenient place to order from and they make really pretty bras in the 32A size and only rarely have I had a problem with a 32A not fitting like I expected it to. I also like Gap Body for plainer, t-shirt-style bras, although they really don't last as long as the VS ones do. (But they're cheaper, and I have a short attention span, so I just chuck them and buy new ones.)

(For pregnant girls? With the ever-changing chest sizes? Just go to Target. Really.)

Another option for small-chested girls is to just scrap bras and wear camisoles instead. I have dozens of them --  from Gap, Banana Republic, Calvin Klein, VS, etc. -- in cotton, lycra, silk, you name it. I mean, there's no bra in the world that could give me cleavage anyway, so why torture myself with the straps and the hooks and all that when you wear something pretty like this instead?

(Now if someone could just explain the complexities of nursing bras to me, I'd be set. Could I buy one now? Should I wait to see what size I am in September? Or will I be even bigger once these puppies are, ahem, fully functional? And also, I really, really don't want to talk about my boobs anymore.)

I am looking for a really good way to dye eyebrows. I am trying to change my husband into a metrosexual.

Also, I, like the sheep before me, love your blog. I wish I wrote that stuff, but, alas, I didn't.

Fidelle

In a word: Don't.

Eyebrows should NEVER be dyed at home. It's dangerous. It's unpredictable. And it's not worth it.

Eyebrows are wiry and coarse -- and home dyes (already a crapshoot) take to wiry, coarse hair differently than normal head hair. So that nice shade of blond you put in your husband's hair, when applied to his brows, could result in a screaming shade of orange.

And also, you know, blindness. 

I colored my eyebrows ONCE, and I let an actual Salon Professional do it. (And I only did it because my highlights came out a different shade than we'd been expecting so she darkened my eyebrows to make it look more natural.) And it looked nice, but within two weeks I had VISIBLE ROOTS. ON MY EYEBROWS. Eyebrows grow FAST, people.

But if you really, really think he needs his brows colored (to cover up gray, perhaps?), then by all means, drag him to a salon and let a colorist do it.

Or go to Sephora and pick up some colored brow gel. Stila makes one, as does Jean Paul Gaultier, which may be more manly-like and acceptable for your husband.

DISCLAIMER #2: Flour beetles, y'all! In my flour! And other starchy foodstuffs! Do you know how gross that is? It's hella gross, is how gross it is. Luckily, we're demolishing our entire kitchen in two weeks. (Although our contractor said that two weeks ago. And possibly two weeks before that.) But hey, once demo begins? It's only supposed to take two weeks to finish! Why does this sound vaguely familiar to me?

Anyway, questions for the Wednesday Advice Smackdown can be sent to advice@amalah.com, however, there's currently a two-month backlog, so please don't send questions about how you're currently on fire or something.

Wednesday Advice Smackdown

Yesterday's all-day meeting went well, or at least was going well until I had to open my gigantic trap and propose some big huge idea that is so absolutely brilliant that Very Important Work People who previously thought my name was probably Annie or Jaime or Blond Girl are now personally congratulating me on my brilliance. Which is all well and good, except that I woke up at 5 a.m. this morning wracked with terror and stress and oh-my-God-what-have-I-done because now I have three months to make all this brilliance happen and I HAVE NO TIME FOR EXTRA BRILLIANT PROJECTS.

You have no idea how much extra work I've made for myself. I am really so very stupid sometimes.

So every day until the baby gets here will pretty much feel like this.

But since I'm really, really (REALLY) behind on the advice questions, I'm writing a column anyway. And I started it at 5 a.m. after waking up in the aforementioned panic with an overwhelming urge to make to-do lists, but instead started banging out advice while half-asleep. So yeah. It's probably all shit. Sorry.

Amalah, Lovely Soul:

I have a blog. I am not linking the blog here, for reasons that will become readily apparent, but suffice it to say (what a dumb phrase, but I'm always using it) that it's become a pretty major-big part of my life/self over the last couple of years, what with all the expressing going on. (I don't mean that in a lactatory sense, I just mean it like "look at me oooh I'm all verbal and talkin' about my life and stuff!")

I've gone to some (reasonable) lengths to keep family/employers/other people who I wanna freely bitch about away from the precious blog, with much success. But here's the thing - people find it anyway. Strangers. Strangers who just show up to read about my life. And I got a stat counter thingie and it's turning into a LOT of people. Gone are the days of like 6 friends reading my blog to keep up with what's going on in my life. Strangers are reading me. For entertainment.

Kinda like how I read you.

So - my question: how the hell do you deal with it? Does it not fuck with your head a little, to know that some nameless, faceless girl in a city hundreds of miles from you is swigging ginger ale, eating a far too large hunk of swiss cheese, and reading how much you currently weigh? I don't mean this in a personal-safety sense (though I suppose there is that) - I just mean it in the sense of "eek! Go 'way, I'm nekkid!"

Or is it just me and I should hide my journaling away if I can't stand the attention? But I love my blog. And I love that it often seems to bring people some kinda pleasure/enjoyment. (YAY) But I'm sitting here at the end of a long day and wanting to talk in this self-dialogue way that I have, and I can't help but think of the many, many complete strangers who will read it, and then I think "Fuck it, I'll just tell everyone about this cool foot cream I got, hurrah for pedicures."

Clearly, I am conflicted. Please advise. Or just smackdown.

~Increasingly Freaked Blogger

PS: I am glad that people like you are breeding. Gives me hope.

Okay, here's the thing about me and journaling. And this may shock and confuse you.

I'm...not a shy person.

I know! You're totally floored.

So when I started this site in 2003, I made a few basic safety precautions (a third-party registrar, an unlisted phone number, etc.) and then forged ahead using my real, full name and photo. The original motivation was so old classmates/friends/boyfriends/mortal enemies could Google me and be all jealous of my awesome life or whatever, but now it's mostly a sign of how seriously I take my little hobby.

My name is Amy Corbett Storch and I write things down on the Internet, a lot of people read the things I write, and I'm proud of the things I write. Don't steal, feel free to contact me regarding freelance work or book ideas, and tell me you like my hair.

On the other hand, I don't really think too much about the people who read my site. I know they read it, and I know most of them seem to really like it, but I don't obsess over my referrals or break my stats down by IP address and location. I don't use Sitemeter or Statcounter or any of the tools that can tell you tons of information about your readership and just how often John P. Stalkerdude of Provo, Utah hits refresh every hour. Frankly, I don't want to know.

So I just write, without giving my audience a second thought. They're out there, but they're just this big nameless, faceless mass of people. I like to think that most of them are a lot like me. Normal and sane and not crazy people with high-speed Internet and a little too much free time at work.

(Not like I will have free time at work EVER AGAIN. GAH.)

"But Amy, don't a lot of your real-life friends and coworkers read this site? And your family? Don't you worry about what they'll think?"

Again. Not a shy person. People who know me in real life know this. I will talk to you about nipple chafing during pregnancy. I will tell you how I took Clomid. I will say "fuck" in polite conversation.

And the people you don't want to read your blog? Will ALWAYS FIND YOUR BLOG. Coworkers, bosses, etc. Since I chose to write non-anonymously, I was always forced to assume that people at work were reading. Thus, I didn't say anything stupid that would get me fired or blatantly post during work hours or refer to real-life people with vaguely-veiled nicknames. (See Exhibit A: Washingtonienne, The.)

Last night, after our big all-day meeting with Various Important Work People, we all went out for dinner and I admitted to the entire table that I, Amy, keep a blog. (It was relevant to the work-related conversation, I swear.) My boss already knew, and I swear he was smirking at me ALL DAY because we had many work-related conversations about blogs and have you ever heard people who really don't know much about blogs try to talk about blogs? It's MADDENING, and I think my boss was just WAITING for me to snap and yell out that I KEEP A BLOG AND YOU SHALL LISTEN TO EVERY WORD I HAVE TO SAY, FOR I AM INTERNET ROCKSTAR.

So now my boss' boss knows about this site, as well as the author-type person I edit for. *Waves* Hello, author-type person! This is my site. I swear I have never trash-talked you here, and please excuse the horrific grammar and sentence structure on display, but know that I will NEVER ease up on you about proper comma usage.

Do I care? Not really. Should I? Probably. Enough with the rhetorical questions? Most definitely.

So really, I don't know what else to tell you about dropping the paranoia other than to drop the paranoia. It's the Internet, for God's sakes. They're just people out there, who you don't know, and whose opinion about you totally doesn't matter. Especially since they probably like you.

And just be relieved that they aren't your boss, your boss' boss and your author-type person who are currently looking through your archives and reading about your vaginal discharge. That's all me and my brand of crazy, baby.

Hello Amalah,

Hmm...I am very nervous as I am writing this email. I feel like I'm writing to a celebrity or something, which you are of course! I love your website, love your writing, and everything else. I am a really big fan (Not a stalker ;)).

Okay, my question for the advice smackdown is this. I am going on vacation to Egypt in a month. I am not rich or anything, heck I am actually a really poor student. My father is paying for this vacation, which I really desrve btw.So I decided the best way to react to me going on vacation news, is to go shopping and by me a new bag, an expensive one. I share the love of Coach bags with you and I got my first Coach bag last year and I think its time for another one. Do you have any advice on what to buy? I need something that will carry my cute little laptop (its a small Sony Vaio) and other stuff us women carry, especially with travelilng and all.

Help me Amalah, the Queen of everything, spend my money!

Your loyal reader (And yes, your site is my homepage on my computer)

el-amiro, also known as Jinan

Well, I certainly cannot say enough lovely things about the bag I purchased over the weekend: the Coach Patchwork Signature Shoulder Tote. (Which HOT DAMN, is already sold out at the Coach site, but is available all over eBay for...well, a lot more than I paid, especially since I? Had a coupon. Suckers.)

You may still be able to find it in the stores, however, so call around and see if you can find one. It retailed at $378 (in case you want to look for a bargain-priced one on eBay) and is large enough for a Vaio and bottled water and a wallet and plenty else, but it isn't so obscenely huge that you'd only use it while traveling.

If you can't find that bag, my other favorites from the current Coach line are the boxy totes with the funky metallic trim, the Scribble tote (which is a little expensive for a bag with so little actual leather on it, but damn, it's cute), and anything from the Signature Tie Dye line, because they? Are fun.

Dearest Amalah –

In watching reruns of “Raising Helen” on Starz while attempting to unpack our house, a black bag on the show that Kate Hudson carries keeps catching my eye. It is of the larger tote variety with silver hoops on the straps. I have had no luck trying to Google it. With your designer eye, I thought maybe you’d be able to spot which designer it could possibly be and point me in the right direction.

Thanks!
Tonya

Having never actually seen Raising Helen, and only remembering it for the obnoxious Uggs/Hot Pants poster of Kate Hudson, I had to Google a bit to find a photo of the bag in question. I believe this is it?

Honestly? No idea who designed that particular bag. The style (over-sized suede hobo-type bag with funky hardware) is reminiscent of dozens of designers' 2003 lines: Prada, Gucci, Tod's, Marc Jacobs, Bulga, etc.

The fact that this exact bag does not appear to be available on eBay (that great designer bag clearinghouse in the sky), tells me it was probably vintage, or more likely, a super-limited-edition couture bag priced only for celebrities and collectors who aren't parting with it. (Unless, of course, a wise reader knows more than I do, which is highly probable.)

But when faced with unattainable haute couture, you just need to find a reasonable imitation of the item you covet.

(Let me stress, however, that an "imitation" does not equal "knock-off." It's one thing to find something cheaper that took inspiration from something extravagant, but it's quite another to buy a fake because you're too pretentious to admit that you can't afford Louis Vuitton, and too much of a sheep to find something lovely and original in your price range, so you just buy a plastic bag that looks nothing like an actual Louis Vuitton design but sort of has the right logo, even though you are FOOLING NO ONE. If you love the look of a certain brand, save your money and BUY THE ACTUAL DAMN BRAND and be a proud and happy label whore. If you don't want to spend the money, that's totally okay too, just BUY SOMETHING ELSE.)

Man, I hate those fucking LV fakes.

What? Oh, right.

The over-sized hobos are still out there, so keep looking. The Gucci horsebit hobo is nice, and widely available on eBay (just check the seller's feedback and read all the fine print regarding authenticity before buying), as is the Stella over-sized hobo by Posh. And just this weekend I spotted a gorgeous over-sized pink suede hobo/tote kind of bag with double metal rings on the strap at the Lucky Brand store in Georgetown that was just $58. $58! It was totally awesome (and unfortunately not available online, dammit).

Meanwhile, right down the street, dozens of girls were haggling over designer knock-offs and paying $40 for ugly plastic sacks because they had a Kate Spade or Prada logo stitched crookedly on the flaps. Baaaah.

Hey Amalah,

Probably irrelevant background details: I'm 20 and I live in Ireland. So anywho, I'll be visiting Washington in July with my parents and my two younger sisters. We'll only be there for about 4 days.

Now, I'm already an expert on the touristy, monumenty, governmenty stuff to be done around Washington, but I'd love some advice from a local on the other stuff. Mainly, I'd like to know:

a) where we can buy outrageous amounts of clothes, makeup and other stuff to fill the giant empty suitcases we're going to bring (we have a genetic disorder that causes compulsive shopping...or that could just be a really implausible excuse. you decide)

b) if there's an "essential Washington experience". Preferably positive...

c) 21? Seriously? Over here you can drink when you're 18! (Okay, that's not really a question. And google "Ireland"+"binge drinking" to see how well that plan's working out for us.)

d) if you know of any really good (and not v expensive) hotels in the area? I don't mean to treat you like a human guide book but...actually I do.

Guidebooks don't have unbiased and up to date taste in stuff, or husbands with informative blogs. Make up your own vaguely related questions to answer if I'm asking the wrong ones for Washington.

Thanks a million!

Overjoyed about shopping, not about humidity.*

*my pale Irish flesh can't take it.

a) Easy one. Georgetown. There's just about every store on earth, plus a massive, two-level Sephora. Here's just a partial list of shops.

b) Essential Washington experience? Well, most I can think of probably involve alcohol, which yes to c), the drinking age is 21. Getting drunk in Adams Morgan (NOT at the "famous" Madam's Organ, by the way, because TOURIST. TRAP.) and then hitting Amsterdam Falafel with the stoners would be high on my list. Goddamn, that falafel is to die for. I want some. Dessert at Cakelove. Lunch at 2 Amys. A late-late-night run to Ben's Chili Bowl. Breakfast at Eastern Market. No, I don't know why all my essential experiences involve food. This is what you get when your tour guide is pregnant.

c) Yep. Seriously. I get carded all the time too, so...yeah, sorry about that.

d) Um. God, I don't know. When you actually live in a city you tend to not spend much time in hotels, and our families don't like us much and never visit. HA! We've spent nights at the Renaissance Mayflower(NIIIICE), the Hotel Helix (mehhhh), Hotel Rouge (pfffft) and the Georgetown Holiday Inn, which was...well, a Holiday Inn. Family members have stayed at the Westin Embassy Row ("very old-fashioned-like" was the review) and the Park Hyatt on M St. NW, which was very, very nice, but probably very, very expensive.

Dear Amalah,

I really enjoy reading your blog. I just started my own, so I thought I'd put yours as a link so that the 2 people who read mine will go and read yours also.

One question for the Advice Smackdown: What color shoes do I wear with a yellow silk dress to a casual beach wedding?

Yes, I know the picture is tiny but I can't figure out how to make it bigger and I can't find the original picture because the website I bought it at has sold them all. Sorry for the run-on sentence. If you could give me some advice, that'd be great.

Jen

Damn, that picture WAS tiny. I'm not even going to make the effort to upload it because everybody would just squint and squint and be all, "Bwah? What is that?" And then maybe somebody would hurt their eyes and God knows we've had just about enough of that around here.

Anyway. Yellow. Summer. Beach. Wedding.  You wear white strappy shoes with a low heel, or maybe some natural-colored-yet dressy espadrilles if you want some height. (White shoes with a high heel will look vaguely bride-ish, plus, you know, SAND.) Don't go all matchy-match with the yellow.

Dear Amy-

I have a problem with updating my website frequently, or more specifically, not updating it very frequently. If you look right now, you'll see I haven't posted in a long time. My friends all loved it and whine to me all the time to write something new, but I have just run out of interesting or funny thing to write about. How do you do it, with these long and really great entries all the time????

-Stu

"Long and really great entries?" HAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.

Okay, I'll agree with you about the "long" part.

Post-Its, my friend. Post-Its. I keep a little pad of Post-Its and a pen with me at all times, and whenever something that could possibly be even a tiny part of an entry happens -- a botched Starbucks order, an ad on the back of a bus, that one song you ALWAYS THOUGHT was a Sublime song and how you just learned that it wasn't and really, it doesn't sound a thing like Sublime but just came out around the same time Sublime was really big and MAN, you're such an idiot -- I write it down on a Post-It.

Sometimes it's just a topic ("Slim Jims"), and sometimes it's a whole sentence that struck me as funny or clever for some reason ("All day long, the wind, it whispers, "Diana.")  Most of the time I end up trashing these ideas, but every once in awhile inspiration will hit, and it will stick, and 15 minutes later I've got an entry up and written about being late for work that all started with a Post-It note that read "footie sock on car AC vent to dry haaa."

Annnnd...that's enough for today. advice@amalah.com if you want to send in a question of your very own, although I have no idea why anybody would really want to do that.

Wednesday Advice Smackdown

SPECIAL ALL-PREGNANCY EDITION, BECAUSE I DON'T THINK WE'VE HEARD ENOUGH ABOUT THAT LATELY

Hot damn, this stupid advice thing is really popular all of a sudden. Why do you people think I know so much? Because I really don't know very much.

An example of things I don't know about: Today I need to send someone a fax. I hate sending faxes because I always do it wrong. There are about a dozen different fax machines in my office and they all work differently. I have yet to master ONE. Do I hit 9 first? Enter my long-distance code? Hit "pause" once and then enter my long-distance code? Or do I hit "pause" twice? Also, what is "pause?" There is no "pause" button on the fax machine. Do they mean the pound sign? Asterisk? What's a physical memory dump? And why is the machine taking a physical memory dump all over my fax? Stop dumping! Pause! Asterisk!

Anyway, you are clearly seeking advice from a moron, but let's have at it anyway.

Hi Amy - I'm a longtime reader, almost no-commenter...but I bet you have the cutest maternity clothes - want to share your sources?

I'm about to be outed at 9 weeks because nothing fits anymore, dammit (was seriously trying for 12 weeks [bad history, twice]).  I went to Target today, but apparently all the pregnant women that don't wear XL or XXL already bought everything.

Suggestions?  I waited and suffered to get to BE 9 weeks, I'm going to look good, dammit!

VHMPrincess

(I'm not sure I have any secret sources that people aren't already familiar with, but I can provide a rundown of my experiences with the major names in maternity clothes.)

(And my experience at Target was the same as yours, except that even after I found a size small in a shirt I sort-of liked, it was still so ginormously huge on me I swear it had to have been mismarked. Although Target is wonderful for bras, as you will go through several boob-related growth spurts and will hopefully not be stupid like me, as I went to Victoria's Secret at the first sign of B-cup boobs, only to outgrow my new expensive bras two weeks later.)

(And don't even talk to me about the pregnancy-slash-nursing bras they sell at maternity stores. Seriously. They frighten and confuse me.)

(ANYWAY.)

The first place I went (at a mere eight weeks along, in total desperation and in search of a pair of pants with a waistline that wouldn't dig four inches into my flesh when sitting down) was Old Navy Maternity. This stuff is cheap. Which is nice, but it's also cheeeeap. Quite a few things I purchased there fell apart after one or two washings. On the other hand, it's a great place for underwear and basics -- like t-shirts and tanks. (Just stick with white or black, as the colored dyes all bled in the wash and left bleach-like discolorations on everything.)

Then there's the Maternity Mall Trinity: Motherhood, Mimi and A Pea in the Pod. They're all the same. Same company, same suppliers...but different price points.

Motherhood is another decent place for basics like underwear and t-shirts. A t-shirt costs $9.99. The prices are ridiculously cheap and the sizes are generous -- I needed an extra-small in everything and am still swimming in a couple of "fitted" dresses I picked up for $19.99 each. The quality is a little better than Old Navy, but nothing great (I've had problems with fading and ripping), and much of the stuff is boring and tent-like and mostly polyester.

Although I bought a couple pairs of black stretch pants at Motherhood that I could not live without. And don't laugh, but black stretch pants are your FRIENDS. You will come to love the black stretch pants. On days you do not wear the black stretch pants you will daydream about getting home to the black stretch pants. The black stretch pants are slimming, deliciously comfortable and they go with everything.

Mimi is a step up from Motherhood, meaning a t-shirt there costs $19.99. The stuff is a little trendier and fit me a lot better. (Which is to say, clothes from Mimi will vaguely suggest that you are pregnant and that it is okay to look pregnant, while Motherhood clothes scream, "Conceal! Conceal!") I bought some really cute stuff for Aruba at Mimi, including this dress, which is currently Jason's absolute favorite outfit of mine, EVER.

At A Pea in the Pod, a t-shirt costs $75. If you gain weight like me (all in the belly), this stuff is really nice. It's closely fitted and will look most like your non-maternity wardrobe. They've got fun designer stuff and excellent tailored shirts for work that allow room for the belly without looking caftan-ish. But it's maddeningly and unjustifiably expensive -- especially since most of it is just a vaguely high-end take on the stuff at Mimi or Motherhood. My advice? Go to a Motherhood outlet store and dig around -- they get a lot of Mimi and Pea in the Pod stuff there too.

My favorite place, by far, is Gap Maternity. I love every single thing I've purchased here. The only drawback, at least in the D.C. area, is that no local stores actually stock the maternity line. So you have to buy everything online. This deterred me at first, and it was stupid, because I paid $70 at Mimi for a pair of way-too-baggy jeans instead of just buying the absolute perfect jeans that I eventually ordered from the Gap in the first place.  There's almost always a free shipping offer or sale going on and you can return maternity clothes to any local non-maternity store. And if you know your pre-pregnancy size at the regular Gap, you know your size at Gap Maternity. (And it is SO NICE to still be pulling on size 4 jeans and an XS top even as you watch yourself balloon up to Pillsbury Doughboy proportions.)

For my well-heeled local readers, I also recommend 9 Maternity in Rockville, MD. It's expensive (oh God, is it ever expensive), but the stuff is gorgeous. I bought my diaper bag there, along with the sundress in yesterday's picture and a super cute crinkled tank top. The cashier told me a number of dollars that could not possibly have been correct for three measly items, but I just kind of smiled and handed over the credit card like I spend that kind of money all the time, even though I was wearing maternity hand-me-downs at the time.

And oh! The hand-me-downs. Try to get some. Seriously. I lucked out, as one of my friends gave birth to her second baby last August, and she'd amassed QUITE a collection of clothing during her pregnancies, and most of it fit me. Ka-ching!

Also, don't completely give up on regular styles. I'm always on the lookout for non-maternity styles that I can still wear. Those little cropped cardigans and shrugs are great for wearing over maternity tanks and dresses. I also bought a Juicy Couture babydoll that works really well as a mini-dress or over jeans. 

And finally, for the love of God, invest in a Bella Band. I retired mine after building up a substantial maternity wardrobe, but then brought it out again this weekend when it hit like, 120 degrees outside and I was re-organizing attic crawlspaces and realized that I do not own any maternity shorts. (I figured capris and skirts would get me through the summer, and honestly, who wants to see a pregnant woman's thighs?) But GODDAMN, I was hot and uncomfortable, so out came the regular shorts and the Bella Band. And the world is just going to have to endure the sight of my pregnant thighs.

Dearest Amalah,

Greetings from another, whiny, achy pregnant woman. I am expecting a little boy in July. Recently while my husband and I were adding to our baby registry at the fabulous Target he explains to me how our son will not be allowed to have any dolls, ever. All I was doing was looking at Cabbage Patch Kids to see if they had boy ones and he flips out. Apparently my "But it's a boy doll!" argument wasn't good enough. It's not like I wanted to get the kid a Bob Mackie Barbie or something, just something soft to cuddle with. But he is convinced that if his son gets his hands on anything that resembles a little person that he will become a sissy. As another first time mom who is having a boy, have you thought about this issue or discussed it with your husband at all? Am I completely overreacting? I want my son to grow up and be whatever he wants and if he wants a pretty doll to play with I think that's fine. Any advice or arguments I could use on my husband would be helpful. Thank you.

And also, holy crap I can't believe that in 2 months I'm going to have to figure out how to take care of a baby and all his boy parts.

Sincerely,
Siobhan

Let me get this straight: Your husband thinks giving a newborn baby a toy that vaguely resembles another newborn baby will automatically turn him into a "sissy," and you want to know if YOU are overreacting?

*smacks forehead*

Let's just cut to the chase and follow that logic a step further. Dolls = sissy boys = homosexuality. Which is stupid and more than a little insulting.

Ban Barbie and Cabbage Patch Kids! It's the only way to cure our children of the gay!

Squishy will have dolls. Squishy actually already has a doll. Jason's parents bought it for him, just like they bought baby dolls for Jason when he was wee. And Jason carried them around for comfort and cuddling until his full-blown non-sissy boy personality kicked in and the dolls were abandoned for monster trucks or whatever.

I grew up with four older brothers. I played with Transformers and He-Man and Matchbox cars. And baby dolls and Barbie and tea sets. And I refused to wear pants, ever, because I preferred this one pink flouncy party dress that had a jingle bell sewn into the layers of ruffles. I was also known to wear a tiara while beating the shit out of the little boy next door. Who also had dolls, which were used as "patients" when we played doctor's office, because I never agreed to be the patient again after he tried to examine me under my ruffly party dress, for which I beat the shit out of him.

(I recently heard that little boy actually is a doctor now, but oddly, not a gynecologist.)

Basically, kids are kids, and they are who they are, regardless of the toys we give them. But by denying a type of toy because it's "sissy" (translation: feminine), you could be doing your son a biiiig disservice.

Sorry to get all serious and harpy about this, but you need to talk to your husband about gender stereotyping. It's sexist. It's outdated. And it's BENEFICIAL for boys to play with dolls and girls to play with blocks and trucks. Studies show that, far from becoming sissies, little boys who play with dolls and other stereotypical "girl" toys are more imaginative, nurturing and develop better fine motor coordination. (Ever wonder why girls "traditionally" have better handwriting than boys?) Little girls who play with blocks and other "boy" activities gain confidence in their math and science abilities. (Remember Barbie's first words? "Math is hard! I love shopping!" GAH.)

A cursory Google search for plain-English arguments about gender stereotyping (and how to avoid it) turned up a few well-written articles. Click here, here, and here. Pass them on to your husband and let him know you're serious about this. He probably hasn't thought it all through or realized what he was doing...and maybe just thought he was being funny about the doll thing.

And your son may very well turn away from the doll someday or spend hours running it over with his dump trucks. But it'll be HIS CHOICE, and not because his parents unconsciously taught him that playing house and caring for a baby doll is "unacceptable," "sissy" behavior. Do you see the dangerous attitudes towards women that can easily go along with that line of thinking?

And on the other hand, IT'S JUST A FUCKING CABBAGE PATCH KID. It's like a teddy bear without fur. Seriously. A doll is not a one-way street to some drag queen revue in Miami, mm'kay?

Dear Amalah,

You and your husband appear to be a trendy young couple that enjoys going out for nice dinners and going on adventures. I think most women have an internal clock that drives them to want children, but what about men? How did your husband "know" he was ready to have children? Was he worried about not being able to go out for nice dinner and get-togethers with friends? Was he worried about your sex life going down the drain? Was he worried (or you for that matter) about your body not returning to its pre-pregnancy shape?

My husband and I have talked about children but I know he is mainly worried that we won't have fun anymore. What advice can you offer from your situation that might help me prepare my husband for fatherhood one day?

Thanks!
Alfred's mom (mom to dogs not humans)

My husband knew he was ready when I done tole him he was ready. Heh.

No, not really. But also yes. I wanted a baby well before Jason was ready. (And probably before I was really ready too.) And I probably didn't handle things very well. There was probably a good deal of whining.

But anyway. I'm a brat, and that's well established, and none of us know why Jason puts up with me. Moving on.

I sent Jason your question and asked for a few thoughts. Here's what he wrote back.

"First of all, you can't "prepare" someone for having a child. I didn't know for sure that I wanted to have a child and anyone who says that they are absolutely sure they want to have children and they're ready for the responsibility is kidding themselves or just plain loony.

I try not to worry too much about what we'll do once the baby is here and how much it will "restrict" us. I like to think that it won't mean that we'll never be able to go out again...and maybe I'm just lying to myself or haven't woken up to reality, but seriously, that's what babysitters and grandparents are for. It will be important to have time for us anyway. And we won't always have to get a babysitter. I mean, I'm looking forward to taking our baby boy out and showing him off to our friends.

Beside that, what most people tell me is that your perspective on life changes and the things that were once important to you, like going out and "partying", eating out, etc., suddenly aren't important anymore. Suddenly you have this little bundle of joy and he is all that matters. I know it is hard to picture, but I started feeling it as I saw the sonograms and especially the other day when I saw a bulge move across Amy's stomach.

As far as sex life goes, no comment.

Pre-pregnancy shape? Hell, we'll both have to get back into pre-pregnancy shape.

Hope this helps."

Got a question? Send it to advice@amalah.com, and if you're lucky, it might get answered by my much, much smarter husband.

Wednesday Advice Smackdown

But First, Necessary Life Updates, Because You Care:

22-week prenatal appointment this morning. Learned I now weigh 139 pounds. Sweet merciful crap. There may also have been some baby stuff discussed.

Interview this evening. No, not a job interview. An interview of me by an Actual Media Professional. Who plans to write a story about me in an Actual Media Publication, provided I am not stupid and boring at the interview. Have been walking around making intelligent-sounding observations about blogging to myself all week in preparation. Regardless, am sure I will be a total idiot at interview, but at least it gave me an excuse to buy a new dress.

And now, on to the always-thrilling Wednesday Advice Smackdown! Remember, questions for the Smackdown should be sent to advice@amalah.com, and feel free to ask me all about my new dress.

Hello Amalah,

I would really like your advice on a pair of shoes I recently bought from Zappos.com. I have received them but haven't worn them out of the house yet becuase my husband HATES them and I still have the option of returning them. Here they are. What do you think?

Nadine

They get a thumbs-up from me, because I like the funkified slip-on sneaker look, although this particular pair does sort of resemble cleats or crampons with all that extra tread. But I'd just affectionately refer to them as my "spelunking shoes" and everybody would think that's funny and charming and then would run out and buy spelunking shoes of their very own. Because I am just that much of a trendsetter.

(Note to self: do not refer to self as trendsetter in tonight's interview, as Actual Media Publication is local and all local readers would be all, "Trendsetter? Her? Who?" and I would totally get called on my bullshit in a Letter to the Editor.)

Dearest Amalah and Squishy,

I know male quandaries are not normally included in The Smackdown, but I think this issue is of a suitably unisex nature. The subject: shoes.

Two weeks ago I bought a fancy shmancy new pair of Nike basketball shoes and they are, to coin a phrase, the cat's ass. They're white leather with those cool Nike shocks under the heel and little metal things on the tips of the laces. One of the reasons I bought them is that they are so purty and stylish that they seem to distract people from the fact that I am among the shittiest basketball players ever to have double-dribbled his way into the gym.

I love these shoes. They're who I am.

Sadly, I am developing a nasty blister on the outside of my left big toe because the shoes are a little too narrow at the top. It's causing my game to suffer a bit, but because my game was so crummy to begin with, the difference is practically imperceptible. I really don't want to have to give up my new shoes just because they're hurting me, but I've never before been confronted with a scenario that would require me to be a slave to fashion. What do I do? Do I keep the shoes and deal with the pain? What's a desperate nerd with no jump shot to do?

Help me, Amalah. You're my only hope.

Shooting an airball especially for you,
Dr. Johnny Fever
Size 13

First, a counter-question: When was the last time I was actually aware of the comfort level of my own feet?

Answer: 1994.

Washington, D.C. is not a super-high-fashion town. Very few women dash around in Manolo Blahniks -- we're more of a tennis-shoes-and-pantry-hose-with-some-pumps-tossed-in-a-knock-off-duffle kind of city. So whenever I show up to work in my pointy stilettos, I'm kind of the oddball.

People ask, "How can you walk in those? Don't they hurt?"

And I say, "Hurt? That would imply I still have functional nerve endings in my toes, which I don't, and I can walk in these because they are pretty and they make things in life worth walking to."

So basically, you suffer for your fashion, girly-man, and we women don't want to hear you bitching about your blister. Try walking around on four-inch heels until your calves ache and your toes swell through the metallic strappy straps that are the only things keeping you attached to your shoes besides your own sheer will.

(Note to the Assvice Club: Yes, I gave up my super-high heels during my pregnancy and am only wearing comfortable flats or sensible pumps with solid, non-teetery heels. AND I HAVE NEVER BEEN MORE MISERABLE IN MY LIFE.)

Anyway, if you insist on being wussy about it, or are worried about corns and bunions, there are a couple things you could try.

1) Wear tighter socks. If possible, wear socks that feel about a size too small. (Like for skiing or snowboarding -- you wear socks that are as thin and as tight as possible to prevent killer blisters from your boots.) Thicker and looser socks will rub and shift and actually aggravate your feet. Check out Smartwool's line of athletic socks.

2) Buy an expandable shoe tree. If your sneakers are leather, they will naturally break in and feel better after time. You can speed this process up by using an shoe tree like this one.

3) Buy a half-size bigger. Shoe sizes? Are crazy. I own everything from a size 6.5 to an 8. You may have misjudged this pair and actually require a size up. Your left foot might be a 13 and your right foot might be a 13.5. Or somebody just could have had a bad day at the sweatshop. But if you love these shoes, it's worth a trip back to the store and trying the next size up.

Or, you know, you could just quit your damn bitching.

And now, two questions about the same thing, but I'm posting both lest I hurt somebody's feelings about playing favorites or something:

Amalah, Here is a question I'm sure you would never have to deal with personally, because you are so much smarter than me, but hopefully, you will know the answer by pulling it from the ether, in your omniscient way: I am very fair. VERY fair. To prove it, I got a bad burn in New Hampshire. New Hampshire. Watching a minor league baseball game from wearing a tanktop (with wide straps, before little ones were popular). And I did sin, Queen Amalah. I confess to using no sunscreen at all. And I got majorly freckled on my back and shoulders. No big deal. Except for the dress I'm going to be wearing at my wedding. With my hair up? Can you help me, please, even though I did sin against my skin?

Repentant Sinner

And also...

OK - last week you addressed the issue of lip liner and the need for it to match your natural skin and lip color. Here is my problem - I have "natural" lip liner. I have freckles. Lots and lots of freckles. Not just the cute ones that are smatter sweetly across someones nose and cheeks. I have freckles that cover my entire body. In the summer my ears freckle, my lips freckle, I swear that sometimes my fingernails freckle too. I don't tan. My freckles eventually run together to make it appear as though I'm tan, but if you look closely, there are spots of Fish-Belly White between the freckles. These cursed freckles gather together around my lips and make it appear as though I'm wearing lip liner. Friends have pointed out to me that my lipstick has worn off and I look funny with just lip liner. Jerks - they know I rarely wear lipstick. My own mother has tried to wipe it off of me. What should I do? Do I have to wear lipstick every day? Can it be bleached? I've tried wearing sun block to reduce the freckling, but there they are, every summer, big ol' Lip Liner Lips. L3 for short. What can I do?

Crazy Ride Lady

First of all, y'all, freckles are not a curse. The only people who really think that are people with freckles, and I know you never believe it when non-freckled people tell you that freckles are cute.

But honestly: freckles are cute. Whether it's a smattering on your shoulders or a full-body covering, freckles. Are. Cute. And freckles are much, much better than moles, and guess what kind of beauty mark Amalah develops after too much time in the sun?

Cute flat freckles? No. Dark ugly moles that regularly alarm her dermatologist? Pffft.

But seriously, it's best to come to terms with your freckles, because there really isn't a way to get rid of them. The old-school tactics of lemon juice or buttermilk work just as well as the fancy expensive bleaching creams out there. Which is to say, not very well. You may see some temporary lightening, (so it might be worth trying for say, a wedding), but all of those products will leave your skin MORE vulnerable to the sun, and thus, MORE freckling.

The only way to prevent freckles is to wear sunscreen with an SPF of at least 30. And to wear it ALL THE TIME, EVERY DAY, NO MATTER WHAT. Cloudy? Wear it. Just going outside for a few minutes? Slather up, baby.

And Crazy Ride Lady? This stuff is your friend. And if you're still self-conscious this summer, try to find a tinted lip treatment you can live with reapplying a few times a day to draw attention away from the L3. Perhaps this one in a neutral shade would work for you.

Dearest Amalah Who Knows And Sees All And Is So Very Pretty:

I know that you are unable to imbibe, due to the impending birth of teeny, cute, and squishy Babalah, and I don't want to rub it in that you cannot partake of yummy, yummy alcohol but I desperately need your help and that of your food and wine savvy husband. I looooove food and I loooove wine, but I don't know what to pair with what. I am planning a hoity toity dinner party in a few weeks and if you could give me some tips on pairing food and wine I would be most appreciative. I am thinking of rack of lamb with dijon mustard, rosemary and breadcrumbs along with roasted new potatoes, grilled asparagus with olive oil and garlic, a salad of mixed baby greens and for dessert a tart with lemon curd and fruit. Please save me from ruining a perfectly good coq au vin with yet another cheap screw top wine or worse yet, a light beer.

Embarrasedly Yours,
Karla

At the most basic of basic levels, the Rules of Wine Pairing are as follows: Red wines with red meat, white wines with poultry and fish, pink wines with a derisive laugh as you pour them directly down the drain.

But of course, there are four frillion exceptions to the basic rule. (Except for the pink wine part. White Zinfandel must be stopped.) And for the love of God, there are other reds besides Merlot and there are other whites besides Chardonnay.

(Did y'all see Sideways? Jason and I have a new motto in life, and that motto is that we are NOT DRINKING ANY FUCKING MERLOT.)

(We never drank Merlots before, either, but everything is more fun if you have a motto, and bonus points if said motto includes the f-word.)

For your main course, which is fairly simple yet rich, I'd suggest serving a Pinot Noir. (I know, I know. Trendy Sideways wine. But oh, so good.) A French Pinot is generally the best bet, especially if it's from the Côte d'Or (Slope of Gold) region in Bourgogne (Burgandy). But California and Oregon vineyards also produce very nice ones, provided you aren't buying the cheapest bottle on the shelf. (And cheap wine will give your lovely guests hangovers, so don't do it.)  For $25 you can get a really nice bottle; for $45 you can get a mind-blowingly amazing bottle.

You may want to serve something lighter during appetizers or have a white on-hand for anyone who just doesn't like red wines. (Although most people who complain about headaches from reds or who classify all reds as "too dry" would also enjoy the Pinot Noir, if you can convince them to taste it. Both complaints come from cheap reds with high sulfite contents or that are just basically, crap wines.)

An Italian Pinot Grigio is always a nice wine for a summer party, and unlike Chardonnays, it's never oaky or easily ruined by overchilling. (Because who has time to monitor exactly how long the wine has been in the fridge while you're cooking and fussing and greeting your guests?) Certain whites, after an hour or so in the fridge, get a nasty "bite" to them. You can get a good Italian Pinot for about $10 or $15.

Is it okay to serve white wine with one course and then switch to red? Absolutely, provided they aren't some $4.99 Sutter Home domestic. It's not like a "beer before liquor, never sicker" kind of rule. If the wine is quality, your guests can bounce between varietal and vintage to their hearts' content, get really good and loaded, and wake up feeling pretty darn okay the next morning.

What to do if your guests arrive bearing wine that you really don't want to serve? Like a (horrors) White Zinfandel? Have both of YOUR wines open before people show up. Have the white open and in an ice bucket, and have the red open on the table to "breathe" before dinner. (Or in a decanter, but that's a whole other level of wine snobbery that we don't need to get into here.)

That way, you look like the good hostess who gets a glass of wine into a guest's hands within minutes of his arrival, without having to drink any of that fucking Merlot he brought.

That's all I have time for today, chickies. I have just a couple questions saved up for next week, though, so feel free to fatten the queue back up by emailing advice@amalah.com with anything you require my supreme know-it-all-ism for.

Wednesday Advice Smackdown

Lord, y'all, the question queue is HOPPING lately. So many good good questions. So much crappy crappy advice I have to give.

Since today's column ran a bit (crazy insane ridiculous) long, I'm going to save a few questions for next week. If your question didn't get answered, I'm sorry, but I promise to answer it soon. If you need immediate assistance, please hit 0 on your keyboard and someone will be with you shortly.

(Except for Amber, with the shoe question, because the shoes you were asking about are no longer linkable or on sale, and I'm so so sorry, because they were cute, and if you did buy them I'd say money well spent, unless you didn't, and then I'd say good because actually I didn't like the bell-bottom heel that much.)

Got a question? Preferably one with a shelf life of a week or two? Send it to advice@amalah.com and blah blah blah I'll answer it when I damn well feel like it.

Amy,

What is a kick-ass brand of lip-liner? (Bearing mind that I SOLEMNLY SWEAR TO NEVER MISMATCH MY LIPLINER WITH MY LIPSTICK, EVER. I've never done it and never will.)

Can you advise me on getting very pretty day and evening looks for my lips/lipstick/gloss?

Thank you, Amalah-lah-lah. You are the BESTEST.
Sharon

I actually don't have a brand perference for lipliner. I buy whatever brand has the color I want in the type of liner I want. (Hint: PENCIL. No crayons, liquids, high-tech-self-sharpening-retractables, etc. I like a soft pencil and an old-school sharpener.)

Currently I'm using a Sephora-brand pencil which is a ridiculously fabulous buy at just $4. I wear it with a variety of sheer neutral glosses during the day, and then use tinted glosses for evening. I cannot remember the last time I bought an actual lipstick.

And yes, I use the same lipliner for both day and night looks. This is because (NEWS FLASH!) your liner should match YOUR LIPS, NOT YOUR LIPSTICK. (Unless you're wearing some screaming red lipstick that's 400 shades redder than your lips, of course. Then you can match the lipstick, but this is a moot point because you should never, ever wear a screaming red lipstick that's 400 shades redder than your lips, because guess what! You look like a whore.)

The liner should match your lips because, duh, it tends to last a LOT longer than even the longest-lasting lipstick. This is what happens: you line your lips in that nice deep raisin color in the morning, put on the coordinating lipstick, proceed to leave said lipstick all over the rim of your morning coffee cup, and then you're left with clown lips because honestly, who has the energy to reapply their lipstick 10 times a day?

And before any of y'all say anything about filling in the entire lip with liner? Don't. At one time we've all suddenly thought we're total rocket scientists when we go, "Hey, since the liner lasts so long, why don't I just color my whole lip with it? Dude, I'm a GENIUS." And then you proceed to have cakey, dry-looking lips all day because even the creamiest liner craps out when overused and rubs off in the center of your lips and suddenly you don't look like such a genius anymore.

(Oh, and anyone who takes their lipliner above and beyond the natural line of their lips? I'm sorry, I cannot help you. Please go back to trailer from which you came.)

So, the Lipliner Manifesto, in summary: use a pencil, match your lips and natural skin tone, line only the actual outer edge of your lips, the end.

Okay Queen of Everything, I am in desperate need of some advice.

I quit smoking about four years ago (yeah for me) but unfortunately, the damage to my teeth was done. I've tried all the whtening toothpaste that I can find and nothing works all that well. I've tried those trays but I can't keep them in my mouth (I have kind of a strong gag reflex). Short of shelling out the hundreds and hundreds of dollars to have them whitened at the dentist, are there any other solutions? I so want a sparkly shiny smile.

Please help me!! Thanks so very very much!!!
PaintingChef

Crest WhiteStrips. They really, truly, totally honest-to-God-and-the-Baby-Jesus work.

I haven't tried the new "premium" ones that claim to whiten for six months or more, but I agree that you do need to start over with the original strips after a few months of coffee and red wine to keep the whiteness level up. But for just $30 and 30 minutes twice a day, they are easily the best whitening product this side of the dentist. And the dentist's method will mostly likely use trays, unfortunately, so you'll have the same gagging problem with the $500 professional treatment.

(Although I remember seeing some kind of laser whitening treatment on Queer Eye once that they recommended for a guy with serious Austin-Powers-on-three-packs-a-day teeth. Then they followed it up with a box of WhiteStrips, so if you have some really stubborn staining you might need to kickstart the process with some professional help.)

And wear the strips during your commute so you aren't constantly fixated on the fact that you can't eat or drink for 30 minutes. Otherwise you'll slap the stips on and then be overcome with a craving to eat that package of salami from the fridge and open a bottle of wine RIGHT THAT INSTANT.

I just read the last advice smackdown, and can I just say? I love my hair. I really do. It's long, naturally curly, and all the people that stop me to tell me just exactly how much money they'd pay for my hair makes me feel, well, like I have more money than they do.

Here's my thing, after a lightbulb cut when I was 13 years old, I've been cutting it myself. I'm now 31. The goth bangs, mine. The choppy layers, all by these hands. This is the thing: I sort of want a long cut, but the bangs are outdated, the layers, well, I'm giving myself the same lightbulb cut I had when I was 13. It's just now longer and a mishmash of lengths. My problem? My face. It's as long as a mule's. Eyes? Love 'em. Lips, great. Face? All my pictures make me look horsey and old. I want to bray. The only reason I can't send a worse picture is because I have ripped up/deleted them all. So, shorter, more layered, natural curls, the way the internet says I have to cut my hair for my face, make me look even more like a lightbulb when it gets fluffy. The longer, more even cuts that my hair needs to fall flat make me look equine. I will go to a good hairdresser, but, I want to be able to give some sort of idea to him about what I'd like. Are there NAMES for the kind of cutting technique I want? What would you recommend to a girl whose hair needs to be long to not frizz out like the coarse but extremely lightweight hair I have, but that needs a shorter cut, at least around the sides, to not make me look mammalian and like I'd give good saddle?

(BTW, the first pic, in which I look great, was taken in Phoenix, where the humidity is lower than my cat's weight. I now live in Colorado, and it rains alot this time of year. I had to wear a hat for a year when I was in high school, because my hair grows so slowly. Help?)

--Dayna

I hope you'll believe me here, but I think that your hair? Is great. I love it, really and truly. And I think you are being way, way too hard on your features and what you are "supposed" to be doing with your hair and blah blah blah.

Guess what! We're all different, and even the most general of rules has its exceptions and baby, you are it. More layers, especially around the face, would NOT work for you. They might make your face look wider, but not in a good way. With curly hair and a long skinny frame? You'd look like a Q-tip. And I LIKE the little half-forehead-goth-bangs on you. I get the sense that they fit your personality and honestly? If they work for you, then they work for you. Enough said.

It certainly couldn't hurt to get a professional's opinion, especially about the self-cut, growing-out laters. Unfortunately, some professionals can sense weakness and a vague desire for change and decide to do something drastic. Like more layers. Which have I mentioned? Would NOT work for you? A little texturizing would be the most dramatic thing I'd suggest and could take a teeny bit of the weight off the bottom while keeping your hair the same length and NOT giving you separate, definable layers.

If you are looking for a change, it's best to NOT get that change on your first visit to a particular stylist. Make them earn your trust by doing exactly what you say (even if it's just "take exactly a half inch off, no more, no less") the first couple times you see them. If you get the sense that they do listen to you and aren't trying to push the latest technique they've learned, ask their advice. You can always say no.

And for the frizz? That's all about the product, not the cut. Oh, and a really, really good blow-dryer and diffuser.

Y'all know my deep, dark love of Tigi products, so I'd suggest combing Bed Head Control Freak through wet hair, followed with Cat Walk Curls Rock Curls Booster and a few good scrunches. Then blow-dry with your diffuser and finish with Bed Head Headrush spray shine. These are all products I use on my own lightweight and frizzy thin hair, so I know they won't weigh you down with gobs of pomade and goo.

If they aren't strong enough to fight your frizz, then again, get a stylist you TRUST to recommend something. (Also don't ask on your first visit, as they could be all, SUCKER and sell you a bunch of discontinued crap that's about to be marked down 50% in two days.)

Dearest Amalah, Homecoming Queen of All Blogs,

I have a couple of questions that I was hoping that you could help me with. You see, my best friend (and matron of honor in my upcoming wedding if we are being technical) and I have a blog. We decided to blog after our friend Mirella began hers. Throughout our readings, we came across you. You. Are. Great. Why won't you be our friend? We have tried time upon time again to comment, post, and email and we got nothing, nada, nunno (is that a word) from you! We are funny, hip, stylish, and must have "please comment anonymously and rudely" stamped on our bloggie address, but we don't have your comments. I am aware that sometimes this blogging business becomes quite a chore, but if you could so kindly stop by our site and perhaps, comment, we would greatly appreciate it. Oh yeah, here's our site: http://acareerwomanandahousewife.blogspot.com!

Secondly, I am also planning a honeymoon. It has become apparent and obvious while reviewing every post you have ever made, that you are quite the traveler such as myself. I am a Caribbean queen and have been a lot of places, but I want to go... AGAIN. My fiance has never been out of the Northeastern United States (pity him, I know) and doesn't care where we go, so it is up to me. I have been on two cruises to the western caribbean, and I have vacationed in the Bahamas and Aruba. I want to go somewhere NEW! Where do you advise us to go? Do you feel a cruise or an all-inclusive trip to another island would be our best bet?

Sincerely,
Need A Honeymoon and U As Our Friend

Okay, let's divide this question up into Part A: Please Be Our Friend and Part B: Vacationage. And let's begin with Part B, because I think that just makes good sense.

As for Part B: Vacationage, I'm actually not so much with the world travel. We were so poor when we got married we honeymooned in Williamsburg, Virginia. We've been to Aruba twice and once went on a Disney cruise to the Bahamas with my entire company. Oh, and I went to Europe with my high-school Spanish class, which is where I bought the plastic shoes.

I hated the cruise, and only partially because of the overwhelming Disney-ness of it all. I didn't like being stuck on a boat, I didn't like the tiny cabin with the weird toilet, and I didn't like the big group dinners where you had to sit and eat and converse with OTHER PEOPLE. I don't like other people, especially on vacation. So I'd say no to a cruise on your honeymoon, because there are simply too many other people in very close quarters, and also you have to waste valuable sex time on those stupid lifeboat drills.

Have you thought about Costa Rica? I am dying to go to Costa Rica, ever since seeing the first season of Temptation Island (shut up), which was filmed at this resort. It's not yet a huge tourist trap like Aruba or the Bahamas, and there's tons of cool stuff to do, like seeing monkeys in the rainforest or bathing in volcanic(!) hot springs.

If we were to go on another big trip that was 1) not in August, which is when our anniversary is, and GODDAMN, it's either 150 degrees everywhere or in the middle of monsoon season, or 2) not when I was pregnant, which eliminates any cool activities like hiking around the rain forest to see monkeys or swinging across zip lines, we'd do Costa Rica on an all-inclusive adventure package.

Mostly because I really like monkeys.

And now, Part A: Please Be Our Friend.

Y'all, I suck at stuff like that. It's really nothing personal. There was a time, a long time ago, when I did not suck. I answered emails. I responded to comments. I read 450 blogs a day and commented on at least half of them. And I met some very cool people by doing this.

I also met some not-very-cool people, and some people who at first seemed very cool and then turned out to not be so much with the cool. And I got hurt by some people and then I inadvertantly hurt some other people and finally came to the conclusion that the Internet functions at about a seventh-grade level and I don't want to talk about it anymore; I'll be in my room.

So I don't really comment on a lot of sites anymore, even though I still read about 450 sites a day. Ask even my very best Internet friends in the world when I last commented on their sites, and they'll stare at you blankly and mutter something about the Clinton administration.

And I turned off that "email new comments" feature some time ago. I've been trying to respond to comments IN my actual comments section a little more lately, although I know people don't like this as much as the replying-to-comments-by-email thing, but y'all, look...

1,086 unread emails. And they're all from comments made to this site. (Or at least I thought they were until I did some inbox cleaning recently and found unread emails from 1) a literary agent wanting to discuss book ideas, 2) a reporter wanting to interview me about non-anonymous blogging, and 3) four emails from my mom. Whoops.)

So when you comment to this site, rest assured that I read it. I check my comments many times a day and read every one, but with an average of about 40 comments per entry, I just can't reply to each one personally. (It's a trade-off though...when I responded to comments I received far fewer comments from assholes. Now I get the drive-bys from strangers who want to tell me how stupid I am for buying a dry-clean-only diaper bag or that I'm being childish for wanting an ultrasound at 20 weeks or that I am just generally a bitch and they hate me for no particular reason.)

(To these people: Hi, I'm Amy, and I don't know you at all. And this may come as a shock to you, seeing as you spent an afternoon with my archives and clearly feel that your opinion matters to me, but you don't know me either. AT ALL. So while you're certainly free to say whatever you like in your comments, I'm also free to publicly make fun of you later. Don't like it? Get your own damn site and see how you feel when random strangers crap all over your life.)

And as for all the nice people who send me email directly, I read these too. (Or I do now that I'm not drowning in new-comment notification messages.) And this is where I frankly, just suck. You've taken the time to tell me how much you enjoy the site and my writing and what do I do? I blush and I smile and then I never write back because I can't think of a clever way to respond. Perhaps this stems from me not knowing how to take a compliment. Like would it kill me to just reply with thanks for reading, and you smell nice too?

Apparently, yes, it would. For I do sure suck.

ANYWAY. Thanks for asking this question and letting me vent all this crap and explain myself and provide some frantic justification for my suckitude as a member of the web writing community.

And I HAVE been to your site. And I HAVE read it and know who you are and consider you to be friendly happy commenters. And your site is fun. I love a good collaborative blog and your collaborative blog is definitely a good one. So will you forgive my inability to become your VBFF if I tell all amalah.com readers to check out http://acareerwomanandahousewife.blogspot.com today and leave you a pretty comment?