Wednesday Advice Smackdown

But first, a few questions that cropped up from Friday's post about the Big Fancy Photo Shoot: Q) Come on! Post the Polaroid! A) No. Am not allowed. It technically belongs to the magazine and they've told me not to post it, so I won't, for I am Obedient and Good. Q) Will you scan or link to the article when it comes out? A) I will be allowed to scan the article, but not until the magazine is off newstands (late October). The Washingtonian's website doesn't offer the current issue's contents online, and I'm not sure if they even archive fluffy little articles like this one after the next issue comes out. So basically -- I will let everyone know when the issue is available, but non-locals will have to wait a few weeks before I can scan it or (possibly) link to it. In other words: chill out, I'll do the best I can. Q) Fuck this photo shoot noise. WHAT DID YOU BUY AT SEPHORA? A) My apologies for leaving out this scintillating piece of information. This is everything I used. From the top: Marc Jacobs perfume (because smelling good totally makes you more photogenic), Sephora volumizing... Read more →


Wednesday Advice Smackdown

Firstly, I want to thank everyone for the wonderful comments and emails yesterday. Y'all continue to amaze me with your unbelievable niceness. My mom's surgery is scheduled for next Monday. I'll be spending this weekend with her, as she is coming to attend the World's Tiniest Baby Shower, Another Pitfall Of Being Pregnant In The Summer and Also Having Friends With Social Lives and Plans and Vacations That Don't Involve You. Secondly, I refuse to confirm or deny the existence of diamonds (singular or plural) in regards to my anniversary gift. Sorry. I'm obnoxious and all, but seriously, I'm a little embarrassed by the size and the sparkliness of the rocks that now adorn my earlobes. Thirdly, whoops. Fourthly, today is your lucky day, as you can get TWO Amalah entries for the price of one (which is zero! click on some ads! they offer amazing work-from-home opportunities that are TOTALLY not a multi-level marketing Amway scam!). DesignPublic, a very cool online furniture/textiles/other-designer-things-I-want store, asked me to participate in this Baby Blogapalooza thing to celebrate their new Kids & Baby section. I think they may have me confused with someone else. The topic was Kids & Design, and I wrote... Read more →


Wednesday Advice Smackdown

THIS ENTRY DOES NOT CONTAIN FURTHER BITCHING ABOUT THE SUCKITUDE OF PREGNANCY. (Except for this one part real quick.) As I was walking from my car to the office this morning, another woman started talking to me about The Heat. (Good Lord, The Heat. It's all anyone in the D.C. area can talk about now, honestly. With humidity at four frillion percent and temps in the upper 90s and power generators up and dying under the strain of all the air conditioners running at full blast, we're all kind of obsessed with The Heat.) (We're also kind of glassy-eyed and panty.) Anyway. So we're talking about The Heat and The Humidity and The Agony, and she made some sympathetic noises about how horrible it must be to be pregnant right now, which YES YES YES! My favorite topic! Let me tell you just how horrible it is! She mentioned that both of her children were born in the winter. Which, okay, I'm not going to get annoyed with that, unless you make it clear that you were just so super-fertile you were able to schedule a pregnancy at Optimal Seasonal Effectiveness or something. But then she started in with the... Read more →


Wednesday Advice Smackdown

GODDAMN. IT IS HOT. STUPID CITY THAT WAS BUILT ON A STUPID SWAMP WITH THE HUMIDITY AND THE WHATNOT. FEET ARE TOO SWOLLEN FOR CUTE SHOES. HAIR IS LIMP. MOOD IS CRANKY. LET'S GET THIS ADVICE THING OVER WITH BEFORE I MELT OR RUN SOMEBODY OVER WITH MY CAR. Dearest, Smartest, and Most-Worldliest Amalah, I am going to be 26 soon, and have been married for a little over a year to my wonderful husband. The marriage was sort of a surprise to both of us, having both been consummate singles with no real plan of finding "the one" ever in our lives, EVER, but we have found each other and are madly in love and etc etc etc. My question is about children, since I know nothing about them or the gestation process which comes with them. I have plenty of years left with viable eggs and spanking-fresh ovaries, but my husband is 11 years older than me and we spend a lot of time talking about when we should have children. I mean, I'm ready now in the sense that "yeah, a baby would be nice because I'm female and married and mostly ready to procreate," but I'd... Read more →


Wednesday Advice Smackdown

USUAL SUCKAGE DISCLAIMER BLAH BLAH BLAH: I have been up for many, many hours already as Cabinet Man was at our house at 6 am today for the final, official, swear-to-God-we're-actually-going-to-make-progress measurement of our kitchen. So now we can order our cabinets and countertops and it looks like all our home renovations (which I figured would start in June), will start sometime in August. Which means I CANNOT GIVE BIRTH EARLY OR ELSE THERE WILL BE NO KITCHEN. Not that the baby will likely care about the kitchen, as I'll be his own personal feeding station, but I WILL CARE DEEPLY, as I plan to eat a lot of microwaveable popcorn while on maternity leave. In other news, I went to the dermatologist this morning to get some various weird pregnancy-related skin things checked out. (All fine, just weird.) And in case you've ever wondered what sort of neighborhood I live in, consider this sign on display at the dermatologist's office. Good to know! Thanks doc! (Photo courtesy of my new! camera! phone! That I have had for two weeks and only recently learned how to 1) take pictures, and 2) get said pictures off the phone, because I'm an... Read more →


Wednesday Advice Smackdown

DISCLAIMER: It has been recently discovered that your advice-giver's kitchen is completely infested with a common household pest known as the "confused flour beetle." So please think twice before taking advice from this individual, because 1) ew, there are tiny little bugs in all her dry goods, and 2) even those tiny little bugs are confused and stupid. Dear Amalah, Queen of Everything, I have an embarrassing problem, which I am sure you do not have because you are so polished and lovely. I have not been able to find an anti-perspirant that works for me. The deodorant part works fine, so it's not like I smell bad, but I get sweaty and it's completely disgusting. My question for you is: do you know an anti-perspirant that works? I do not mind if it is expensive, as this is clearly an important problem that is worth spending money to solve. Please help! If you can't help me, I don't know who can. You are the best! Name Withheld Because, Well, Duh Actually, you know who can help you? Sars and all her readers over at her advice column, The Vine. (That she does DAILY. Which means EVERY DAY.) The original... Read more →


Wednesday Advice Smackdown

Yesterday's all-day meeting went well, or at least was going well until I had to open my gigantic trap and propose some big huge idea that is so absolutely brilliant that Very Important Work People who previously thought my name was probably Annie or Jaime or Blond Girl are now personally congratulating me on my brilliance. Which is all well and good, except that I woke up at 5 a.m. this morning wracked with terror and stress and oh-my-God-what-have-I-done because now I have three months to make all this brilliance happen and I HAVE NO TIME FOR EXTRA BRILLIANT PROJECTS. You have no idea how much extra work I've made for myself. I am really so very stupid sometimes. So every day until the baby gets here will pretty much feel like this. But since I'm really, really (REALLY) behind on the advice questions, I'm writing a column anyway. And I started it at 5 a.m. after waking up in the aforementioned panic with an overwhelming urge to make to-do lists, but instead started banging out advice while half-asleep. So yeah. It's probably all shit. Sorry. Amalah, Lovely Soul: I have a blog. I am not linking the blog here,... Read more →


Wednesday Advice Smackdown

SPECIAL ALL-PREGNANCY EDITION, BECAUSE I DON'T THINK WE'VE HEARD ENOUGH ABOUT THAT LATELY Hot damn, this stupid advice thing is really popular all of a sudden. Why do you people think I know so much? Because I really don't know very much. An example of things I don't know about: Today I need to send someone a fax. I hate sending faxes because I always do it wrong. There are about a dozen different fax machines in my office and they all work differently. I have yet to master ONE. Do I hit 9 first? Enter my long-distance code? Hit "pause" once and then enter my long-distance code? Or do I hit "pause" twice? Also, what is "pause?" There is no "pause" button on the fax machine. Do they mean the pound sign? Asterisk? What's a physical memory dump? And why is the machine taking a physical memory dump all over my fax? Stop dumping! Pause! Asterisk! Anyway, you are clearly seeking advice from a moron, but let's have at it anyway. Hi Amy - I'm a longtime reader, almost no-commenter...but I bet you have the cutest maternity clothes - want to share your sources? I'm about to be outed... Read more →


Wednesday Advice Smackdown

But First, Necessary Life Updates, Because You Care: 22-week prenatal appointment this morning. Learned I now weigh 139 pounds. Sweet merciful crap. There may also have been some baby stuff discussed. Interview this evening. No, not a job interview. An interview of me by an Actual Media Professional. Who plans to write a story about me in an Actual Media Publication, provided I am not stupid and boring at the interview. Have been walking around making intelligent-sounding observations about blogging to myself all week in preparation. Regardless, am sure I will be a total idiot at interview, but at least it gave me an excuse to buy a new dress. And now, on to the always-thrilling Wednesday Advice Smackdown! Remember, questions for the Smackdown should be sent to advice@amalah.com, and feel free to ask me all about my new dress. Hello Amalah, I would really like your advice on a pair of shoes I recently bought from Zappos.com. I have received them but haven't worn them out of the house yet becuase my husband HATES them and I still have the option of returning them. Here they are. What do you think? Nadine They get a thumbs-up from me, because... Read more →


Wednesday Advice Smackdown

Lord, y'all, the question queue is HOPPING lately. So many good good questions. So much crappy crappy advice I have to give. Since today's column ran a bit (crazy insane ridiculous) long, I'm going to save a few questions for next week. If your question didn't get answered, I'm sorry, but I promise to answer it soon. If you need immediate assistance, please hit 0 on your keyboard and someone will be with you shortly. (Except for Amber, with the shoe question, because the shoes you were asking about are no longer linkable or on sale, and I'm so so sorry, because they were cute, and if you did buy them I'd say money well spent, unless you didn't, and then I'd say good because actually I didn't like the bell-bottom heel that much.) Got a question? Preferably one with a shelf life of a week or two? Send it to advice@amalah.com and blah blah blah I'll answer it when I damn well feel like it. Amy, What is a kick-ass brand of lip-liner? (Bearing mind that I SOLEMNLY SWEAR TO NEVER MISMATCH MY LIPLINER WITH MY LIPSTICK, EVER. I've never done it and never will.) Can you advise me... Read more →