Wednesday Advice Smackdown

(Work, y'all. WORK. I may never take a vacation again. I may never take a lunch break again. I may never write an advice column during the workday, the way God intended, again. Am banging this tripe out while watching Lost, so you know, shut up Shannon.) Dear Amalah - My company is tanking and I'm about to lose my job. My boss said so. Actually, everyone BUT my boss is about to lose their job. I just bought a house and am having a baby. What the FUCK should I do? Do you think anyone is going to hire a pregnant lady only to give her maternity leave in six months? I think not. I want to say FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK a whole lot but my son reads my site and I don't want him to know that Momma says such things when she's not driving. Can I use your advice column to say FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK? So, in conclusion, I would like your "cheap list" of cosmetics for those of us having to make the transition from middle class to HOLY FUCK WE CANT PAY OUR MORTGAGE. Everything from moisturizer to mascara.... Read more →


Thurwednesday Advice Smackdown

(There will not be a Smackdown next week, due to the fact that the Smackdowner will. Be. In. ARUBA. I hope y'all will be okay without me, and will not go bolting towards the nearest Hair Cuttery and Maybelline display as soon as I leave.) Dear Amalah, I do not, for the life of me, understand Gwen Stefani's new song. What's a Hollaback Girl? What track? What's not gonna just happen like that? Bananas? The hell? Amalah I have no idea. And to think, I was still pleased with myself for knowing what that milkshake song was talking about. So, so old. Dear Amalah, First off, I hope your energy improves. Though I should mention during my first pregnancy I think I was awake two of the nine months. I kept a journal and went back to read it a year or two ago and holy cow. I slept a LOT. Sending second-trimester energy boost vibes your way. Secondly, I have hair issues. My hair is, for the most part, in the same exact style I've worn since at least high school, if not since infancy. I am attaching a photo which you must not share upon penalty of my... Read more →


Wednesday Advice Smackdown

Today's Wednesday Advice Smackdown will be even more particularly half-assed than previous installments. Why? Because I'm tired. Fatigued. Exhausted. Vaguely comatose. Etc. It is probably all the Babalah's fault, as I am getting approximately 19 hours of sleep a day, yet still. So. Damn. Tired. This is how tired I am: diohv ccoljuoi caljlllllllldijulj HAAAAAAAAAA. That's the funniest thing I've typed EVER. This is also how tired I am on a regular basis: On Easter Sunday, neither Jason nor my parents woke me up to go to CHURCH. On EASTER. And then they let me sleep through PANCAKES. Out of PITY for my tired, tired self. Anyway. Here are some questions, some answers and some typos that I will probably not fix. Dearest Amalah who I would recognize if i saw on the street and hug and then run before she called the police on the tiny girl she doesn't know, Very soon, I am graduating from college. I have always used (gasp) drugstore foundation. By always I mean the same kind since sixth grade. I actually spend more on things like eyeshadow, but for some strange reason, have never ventured past Maybelline for foundation (I ventured past it for... Read more →


The Wednesday Advice Bacon Cheddar Smackdown

Full Disclosure: Do not underestimate the power of the Jingle That Ate Hootie. I am currently eating a Tendercrisp Bacon Cheddar Raa-aanch, which is indeed as large as Brooke Burke's head, and is also infuriatingly delicious. Oh my God. Okay, enough about my nightmarish eating habits. Let's talk about your problems. (Okay, we'll talk about your problems as soon as Gmail stops dicking around with me.) (We're all WAITING, Gmail. Please stop with the "oops...unable to process your request" errors.) (In fact, could you not ever say "oops" when giving me an error message? It's really not that clever and always makes me start singing that Britney Spears song.) (Oh FUCK. Now see what you've done? Quick, somebody start humming "Tiny Dancer.") dear amalah, i recently found your website and recently found out i was pregnant - your site came first, so maybe there's causation or perhaps just correlation. but here's my question - since getting pregnant (which was a trial in itself), i feel like i haven't been able to relax and enjoy at all. every twinge, every nebulous colored drop of "fluid" causes me to freak out and completely lose my cookies with fear (not to mention the... Read more →


Wednesday Advice Smackdown

All right, enough with the song and dance. It's Advice Smackdown time, and let's not waste valuable bossing-around time and just get right down to it. Amalah, My fiancé and I are planning a trip to Aruba this May so that we can finally make it legal. What were your impressions (or drunk, hazy memories) of the island? Any suggestions on where to stay or what to do? I saw your pictures, and I understand that the “what to do” involves a whole lot of drinking, and I’m fine with that, but what to do WITH the drinking? We’re hoping for a lot of laying around on the beach, but I realize that I will fry to a crispy finish within 5 minutes of setting foot on the island, so we need some options here. Thanks! The Soon-To-Be-Mrs. Wellllll, what excellent timing on this question. (Which I did not make up, as all questions DO come from actual live people. I'm not sure why but apparently everybody thinks I make Advice Smackdown questions up. I really don't, unless the signature is "Amalah," which yes, that's just me talking to myself, pay no mind.) Guess what! We're going BACK to Aruba.... Read more →


Wednesday Advice Smackdown

(Thursday Edition, Again, Like You Are Surprised) Okay, before we begin, let me issue a word of caution regarding the state of your advice guru: 1. It is snowing outside, yet there was no delay at my office, mostly because I assumed there would be a delay and stayed in bed for an extra half hour. 2. I am wearing maternity pants to work for the first time today, and while they are deliciously comfortable around the belly, they are falling off my ass. Seriously, if I sit down wrong I will moon anyone behind me, or at least show off my new maternity underwear with the twee pink hearts. 3. I just realized I am wearing my new red shoes with a green sweater. Yick. 4. I wore my new red shoes in the snow? Have I gone mad? 5. I did not comb my hair today before mashing it into a hair clip. Basically, I've got a really great look going on today and feel super extra qualified to tell you how to look all beautiful and stuff. Let's begin! Dearest Amalah: Queen, Mother, Goddess - I have found your make-up advice to be so good in the... Read more →


Wednesday Advice Smackdown

Amy: Hey, remember the Wednesday Advice Smackdown? You: No, not really. Was it like wrestling? Amy: The thing! With the advice! On Wednesdays! I used to do it every week. Until two weeks ago-ish. You: Yes. Two whole weeks have gone by. It is forgotten. Over. We have moved on to bigger and better and more frequently-updated weblogs. Amy: Fine then. Fuck all y'all. I will just give out advice to my own damn self then and I hope you and your new favorite weblog will be very happy together. You: Nooooo! Amy! I'm kidding! I could never love anyone as much as I love you. Never! I'm sorry! Look, I will give you money for no reason! Amy: Well...okay then. I do enjoy money. You: Wait. I totally did not just say all that stuff. You typed it yourself. That is so not cool. Amy: La la la. You: Give me back my money, bitch. Amalah, I seek your sagilicious advice, since you are so experienced in blog-related drama. I think I have a blog stalker. See, after my very first blog post ever, this girl commented that she loved my site, so--yay! Why don't I check hers out.... Read more →


Wednesday Advice Smackdown

SPECIAL THURSDAY SLACKER EDITION Blah blah blah witty introduction to the concept here plus life updates (HINT: BUSY AND COLD AND SOME HEATING FIXER GUY LEFT A SCARY FLANNEL SHIRT IN MY CLOSET YESTERDAY AND ALSO I GAVE CEIBA A BATH AT 3:30 A.M. LAST NIGHT AND I ADVISE YOU NOT TO ASK ABOUT IT.) Anyway, there is no time for any of that today! No time at all! Go directly to the advice! Do not pass go! Do not listen to a SINGLE HYSTERICAL WORD that I am typing today! Dearest Amalah, I have fine, stick straight, doesn't hold a curl hair. I am currently growing out my bangs. Growing out your bangs when you have fine straight hair, quite honestly sucks. I can't master the side swept bangs, I'm thinking because I had really thick baby bangs. I look awful with longish thick bangs, because of the chubby cheeks. I just have the two clumps on either side looking sucky. Unless, I use a bobby pin to hold them back, but that just looks flat and weird. So, in the meantime I have been toying (and by toying I mean the appt. is Jan 29) with getting a... Read more →


Tantrummy

OH MY GOD Y'ALL. You know how I like to whine about how busy I am at work? And that I have SO MUCH to do and wah wah wah and feel sorry for me because I'm going die? And you know how usually I'm full of shit? Well, I'm not this time. I mean it. I am going to die. The cause of death will be stress and many tiny, tiny paper cuts. And possibly frostbite from the whole no-heat-in-the-condo bullshit, which made me very late for work this morning (don't ask), which seriously cut into my valuable freak-out time. I have so much to do before February 1st that I've hit that deer-in-the-headlights point of panic where all I can do is stare stupidly at my to-do list and move stacks of paper around my desk, as if I'm magically going to find 17 spare special reports and an assistant just lying around under the clutter. (Also, confidential to a certain person who is not helping things: All this work is NOT MY FAULT. I am sorry that MY HUGUNDOUS WORK LOAD may mean you have to do work as well, but that is YOUR JOB and don't... Read more →


Wednesday Advice Smackdown

OK, enough with all the social awareness and global perspective crap. Let's get back to the brattiness and the whining. But first... Today is De-lurking Day, the brainchild of the fabulous Sheryl of Paper Napkin, who orders you to stop lurking and leave a damn comment already. And believe me, you don't want to cross Sheryl. And for real: I check my stats. I know y'all are out there. Many, many, many of you who are apparently really bored at work. You just aren't commenting like all the cool kids. So please, step up and introduce yo'selves today. I won't bite and promise to only make fun of you if you say something really, really stupid or insult my shoes. Or my dog. Or anything I have ever done or said in my entire life. That's my job, bitches. You know what also is my job? Quality fake advice. It's a job I've neglected over the past few weeks, but now I am proud to announce the triumphant return of the most popularest feature here at amalah.com (judging by traffic, not comments, because y'all are COMMENT PUSSIES), THE WEDNESDAY ADVICE SMACKDOWN! Woo! Yay! Whatever! Dear Amalah, I have been interviewing... Read more →