Wednesday Advice Smackdown

FUCK. ALL. Y'ALL. No, I don't really mean that. I'm projecting my anger towards the innocent Internet, but really, I think it deserves it today. The morning thus far: I woke up super-early after having a NIGHTMARE about the Wednesday Advice Smackdown. Questions were pouring in at breakneck speed, including one from my actual real-life bona fide Internet archenemy. About GRAMMAR. And I didn't know the answer. And Google wasn't working. And then more questions came and I woke up all in a panic and wondering how in the world I ended up with an Internet archenemy. To calm my nerves, I went right over to to check the Ugg status, and lo and behold, they claimed to have the Sundance boot (the only one I like, as I maintain that the others are still kind of bleh) in size 7 in Sand, which is my second color choice so CLOSE ENOUGH. But Nordstrom LIED. They are not available. They are already gone. I cannot have them, ever, and it is like, 25 degrees today and I'm cold and also tired because I WOKE UP SO DAMN EARLY. Also, do you think I got to work on time today?... Read more →

Wednesday Advice Smackdown

Our office Christmas party was yesterday, and I had such high entry-related hopes for it. But alas, it was very tame, and no one fell down, not even me. Although there was a very dangerously slippery-looking dance floor, and my friend Sprocketeer kept daring me to go sliding across it on my knees while singing, "LET'S GET THIS STAR-AR-TED." I declined, but am still laughing at that mental image today. But today is Wednesday, which means it's time to smack some advice down. So let's get this star-ar-ted with a question from Tonya: Dearest Queen Amalah – I have been wrestling with the idea of starting my very own blog. I have had a Live Journal thingy going for a couple of months now with very little traffic (although I have read your entry on how to up your traffic, therefore the shameless plug of my own journal here). My writing is nothing like that of the great Amalah, but there are things I feel I could offer the Internet community. Like my cat! The Internet NEEDS to see pictures of my cat! Currently it is more of a weight loss focused journal. But some day my husband and I... Read more →

Wednesday Advice Smackdown

Gah! Work! Excuses! Long lines at Nordstrom's when I went out to buy socks for the poor children that my office collects socks for and I'm not even going to go into that! Anyway! The Smackdown is late, and as of this moment it is incomplete. Jason is whacking me with the TV remote and whining and waving his hand in front of the computer screen because he wants to go out for dinner. NOW. NOWNOWNOWNOW. So here are two questions. Two or three more to come later, AFTER dinner, AFTER wine. So check back! (Unless there are already four or five questions posted when you are reading this, which means you have ripped a hole in the space-time-blog continuum and you should run for your life.) AMY - STOP TYPING I WANT PIZZA WHO CARES ABOUT YOUR DUMB ADVICE. LOVE, JASON My Dearest Amalah, Who I Trust Has The Answers To All Of My Problems: I recently bought the most beautiful new black suede boots. I am smitten with them. They fit me perfectly in every way, but are more than just a wee bit snug when I zip up the top inch or so near my knees. Now,... Read more →

Wednesday Advice Smackdown

Dear Amalah, Are those black fishnet stockings you are wearing really work-appropriate? Come on now. -An anonymous coworker all up in yo' grill Well, as the ONLY person here today who did NOT get the memo that we could dress casual? I think y'all look like a bunch of damn slobs. Grr. GRR! Okay, on with the real Smackdown. This week's questions were extra-super-girly, so guys? Sorry. I mean, I'm not giving advice on yeast infections or anything, but it's all make-up and fashion and stuff. So maybe next week all you boys can ask questions about burping and how to get laid in under three dates. The address is Go for it. Dear Amalah, I don’t know if I’m the only fingers-applying-foundation person to think this after reading your post, but – apply foundation with a brush? I suppose I knew in the back of my mind that it was done, but I honestly have never given a lot of thought to the advantages. I just thought it was another I’m not so sure, since you seem to know a lot more about makeup and various beauty products than I do. Is there a special kind of... Read more →

There Are Pet Photos at the End, Promise

SMALL TRAGEDY OF THE DAY #1: My hosiery had an unfortunate encounter with my car door, so I had to take them off. I'm wearing knee-high boots, but you can still see my knees, which is asbsolutely SCANDALOUS at my office. Bare knees! With no nude nylons to preserve my modesty! Can pasties and g-strings be far behind? This tragedy is further tragidized, however, because I did not shave my legs. Thank the lord for blond hair and all, but eesh. I feel yicky. SMALL TRAGEDY OF THE DAY #2: Red pen. Explosion. Carnage. Permanently stained skin. Bah. And now, a bonus Wednesday(ish) Advice Smackdown question, as it is of the utmost urgency: Dearest Q to the E- Tonight I am making Jell-O shots for a bachelorette party this weekend. While they may be an immature and trashy shot, they are liked by many participants on the bachelorette bus. My question is, how do I make these and still make them tasty and not taste like you just drank a liter of vodka? Your follower- Tonya An impromptu Recipedown! Awesome! Okay, Jello shooters are easy peasy. One small package of Jello (I prefer lime), one cup boiling water and one... Read more →

Wednesday Advice Smackdown!

(Hi. Yes. Well, it still is technically Wednesday, is it not? And this is a Wednesday Advice Smackdown, right? So shut your yapping. And go read today's Snarkywood, because it rocks much, much harder than this entry.) (MELISSA GILBERT, PEOPLE. WE MAKE FUN OF LAURA INGALLS WILDER. HILARITY ENSUES.) Dear Amalah, Um, I think I've lost my favorite BCBG dress along with a cute work-appropriate dress from Banana Republic. How did this happen? I'm going to a wedding next weekend and I NEED that dress. I bought cute new shoes to go with that dress! What should I do? Who can I blame (besides myself, obviously)? GAH. -Wardrobedly challenged You know, as a professional and fully accredited fake advice columnist, I pride myself in remaining detached from the hordes of problems and dilemmas that flood my inbox. I don't take my work home, so to speak. Except for tonight, when I didn't have time for lunch and am actually writing at home. The Simpsons is on. Jason will be home soon bearing burritos. The rum and Coke are plentiful. Where was I going with this? Oh. Right. Sometimes an advice question comes along that really rattles me. Like this one.... Read more →

A Little Cop-Out

Oh my GOD y'all. What a day. What a fricking freaking fucking day. I have a cold that will not quit, a sinus headache and a hacking cough like my three-packs-a-day uncle. Who died. And who I just made up because I couldn't think of anything and I needed a simile. I also stepped on my dog this morning and dropped the can opener on my cat. Then I ruined my Spiga shoes by spilling a gingerbread latte on them. Then? When I went to write today's entry? I had this great idea to do a Drunk Amy Retrospective. Links to my drunk posts and a series of vignettes about Things Amy Has Done While Drunk And Found Out About Later. It was going to be brilliant. And then I looked at the calendar. Wednesday. Shit. So I compiled all of this week's Advice Smackdown questions, which were all wonderful, but I just wasn't feelin' any of them. Or even feeling them. Everything I wrote was just blah blah lame lame jump the shark blah. I just wasn't up for the hair advice as I had the worst stringy flat frizzy hair day ever today, combined with winter-onset dry skin... Read more →

Advice Smackdown, Part II

Yeah. So, sorry about the abruptly truncated Advice Smackdown yesterday. Me, Last Tuesday: Wah! Send me questions! Now! Y’all: Ok! Ok! Y’all: *send dozens of excellent questions* Me, Last Two Wednesdays: Meh! Never mind! First, there was work. Then? There was a burned-out light bulb in my sensual office mood lighting. Then? A headache from the vile scorching ceiling lights I had to use instead. After work? There was my rock star food critic husband who wanted to go out for dinner to a new place. Then? There was wine. And then Lost. And then baseball! You see? There was simply NO TIME for any further advice. None! (Official Amalah Stance on the World Series: Although we are usually a staunch Yankee household due to husband’s upbringing, I was all about the Red Sox. This caused more than a little marital strife, but as I am from Philly, home of the Curse of Billy Penn, I really, really needed to see that a city’s curse can eventually be overcome. In like, 80 years or so. Go Phillies!) So the Smackdown will continue today. Because seriously? I’ve got nothing better to write about. Hooray for fall-back plans! First question coming soon,... Read more →

Real & Actual Wednesday Advice Smackdown

Oh my god. The Wednesday Advice Smackdown is actually happenings on a Wednesday, and in true Smackdown format. Is miracle. You may remember the drill (but I don't blame you if you don't, since I have been a huge ass slacker about this for weeks). Questions will get posted throughout the day, all day, as I have slack-off time from work, which really means whenever I decide to cut-and-paste a question from the document that I wrote last night, from home, on my own free time, because I am a good worker who does not slack. In other news, I had a therapy appointment this morning so I am feeling very balanced and healthy and qualified to boss you around. No progress is being made on the compulsive, relentless lying, however. I have tons of questions for today, but I might like yours better. Or I might answer it next week and go for the world record of Keeping Up With My Own Damn Regular Features. So send them to, suckah. Amy- So, I am making plans to go home for Christmas on leave, but I realize that means I will have to deal with my semi-psychotic family. Usually... Read more →

Complaints & Advice & Such

I'm still alive. I'm sure you're all relieved. Seriously, I will be the first to admit that I am the BIGGEST baby about being sick. I'm a nightmare. I expect the entire world to stop spinning until I feel better. And the entire world needs to bring me tea and sympathy and soup. So when I'm feeling shitty and I have to go to work? Holy hell, that's just tragic. And yes, I know October is not flu season. Shut it. I know the damn flu when I get it. I don't need no stinking CALENDAR dictating my diagnosis, thank you very much. There's actually been a strain of stomach flu wreaking havoc in the DC area for a few weeks now and I seem to have picked up some sort of bizarre hybrid strain of it. I never, ever get flu shots either, because I never, ever get the flu. Except when I get flu shots. Huh. The last flu shot I got was in college and good lord, it very nearly killed me. And I thought I was being all grown-up and responsible by getting the shot without anyone telling me to and I called my mom to... Read more →