Life. Too Boring for Words.

Wow. I did...exactly not one interesting thing this week. I...unloaded the dishwasher a lot? I hid brussels sprouts in a fruit smoothie? I wore my cute new jacket from Target and bought Noah a new hat? Yes. All this, AND MORE! In the span of five whole days! Man, life is a crazy buzz sometimes. Yesterday Noah and I trekked up to Baltimore to hang out with this lunatic for a while a few hours longer than appropriate straight on 'til bedtime. Tracey and I got into a very heated discussion re: megapixels, and our differences could only be solved by blinding each other with camera flashes while shrieking our heads off. It made a lot of sense at the time. We were both admittedly pretty jealous of M's stylin' pink camera, though. The original idea was to sign some important business-y work-y type paperwork for mamapop.com (I'd rather not... Read more →


The Day After the Day After

So there was this one time when I managed to get myself linked to from Dave Barry's blog. That was incredibly cool and thrilling and I'm sure caused a few pinched bridges of noses over in the Typepad server room, but it also happened to be the same day I wrote about my spanking new thrush infection. Yesterday I found out I am a finalist for Best Parenting Blog over at the Weblog Awards. The same day I wrote about vomit and posted photos with my bra sticking out. I am possibly quite brilliant, or just the world's biggest jackass. I don't know. We'll see how the voting goes. (You can vote once every 24 hours. Look! Here's a visual reminder!) (What? Too much? A little ostentatious? How about this one?) (Inside voice!) I might be wrong, but I don't think there are any actual...prizes? Except for bragging rights? And... Read more →


Yo Ho Ho and Six Bottles of Rum

It appears I went to a Halloween party last night. I drank what I thought was a perfectly responsible amount of what I thought was a champagne-and-cranberry-juice punch, only to later learn that there were also a half dozen bottles of rum in it too, which would possibly explain why I woke up in the laundry pile this morning. Me, as either a cross-dressing Marie Antoinette...or a Sexy George Washington. Jason, as Dick Cheney. My wedding ring kept catching on the lace sleeves so I left it at home, thus making me and my bra very popular with two guys dressed like hot dogs. It was a proud moment. Today I am trying my hardest to effectively parent my child without getting up from the couch, while thinking about how good it would feel to just go ahead and vomit already, my God. UPDATE: I just did, and it was... Read more →


What We Do When We're Not Making Fun of the Dog

The distant future, the year 2000... No more agriculture. No more war. No more racism. No more fighting, squabbling, or rumbling. No more...yogurt. Robot 1: The humans are dead. (Robot 2: Yes they are dead.) Robot 1: The humans are dead. (Robot 2: I confirm they are dead.) Robot 1: It had to be done. (Robot 2: They look like they’re dead.) Robot 1: So that we could have fun. (Robot 2: I poked one, it was dead.) 0000001! 00000011! (Try this at home tonight! Supplies needed: wine box, scissors, toddler, and humansaredead.mp3) Read more →


It Occurs To Me That Everything About This Entry Is Somehow Related To Gas

Whenever I'm on nitrous oxide, I always feel like I'm flying high above some magical land of magic. The land is different every time, and is usually inspired by whatever music is playing. (At the dentist's office, I should probably clarify. I gave up recreational use a good six months ago.) This has led to some really weird hallucinations involving Peabo Bryson in the past. But this morning I was flying high over an animated land of rainbows, while cartoon characters with Afros and sequined yellow jumpsuits disco-danced to Shake Your Groove Thing. I was also 1) lying down with my feet up, and 2) officially off of diaper duty. Plus drugs! Let us not ever forget about the drugs. And yes, I was also getting the very last of my fourteen zillion cavities filled, but that's really splitting hairs. I had a nice morning off! It was downright lovely.... Read more →


Taking My a'Drinkin' Skillz to the Next Level

On the off-chance that our trip to New York and the fourteen million pounds of pizza we consumed there were not QUITE enough to sufficiently celebrate Jason's birthday, we continued the birthday blowout extravagaaaaahnza with a bus trip to the always gorgeous Virgina wine country on Saturday. It was awesome. One person puked on the bus on the way home and another fell out of her seat and into the aisle and still did not wake up. Meanwhile I was engaged in a high-level discussion about racial profiling with a nice young man whose family bought his ticket for Father's Day but did not accompany him. He assured me he actually preferred it that way, and also, NO, the fact that he, Jason and I were relatively sober after consuming just as much wine as Ol' Pukey and Ol'FallOuty McDrunkAss over there was NOT a sign of serious alcoholism, it... Read more →


Hostess Cupcake

We threw our first honest-to-God actual dinner party in the new house this weekend -- a party where we invited multiple people whom we are not related to, where we cooked multiple courses and I was in the basement frantically ironing dinner napkins as our first guests arrived because heavens! To Betsy, even! WRINKLED DINNER NAPKINS = FAILURE AT ADULTHOOD. And here is some more math for you: Seven adults - not enough chairs + three designated drivers x one pregnant woman + two toddler moms who drank all the wine and would not stop talking about birth and labor and mucus plugs + two toddlers + one tumble off the back deck and another damn bloody mouth in front of the SAME PEOPLE who saw the LAST bloody mouth and who now think parenthood is pretty much one bloody mouth after another. And also mucus plugs, which the poor... Read more →


When Cooler, Non-Toasted Heads Prevail

So I was thinking -- randomly, apropos of NOTHING RESEMBLING REAL LIFE, I SWEAR -- that all those electrical and fire-safety videos and campaigns they make you sit through in elementary school aren't actually because they're worried about children and bathtubs and hairdryers and random floor puddles, but it's because they know that one day, far in the future, some sleep-deprived parent will watch her child's waffle get jammed in the toaster and absentmindedly reach for the nearest fork, and suddenly the image of a dancing cartoon lightening bolt will pop into her head, and she will put the metal object down and make some coffee instead. HOWEVER, IN EVENT OF AN ELECTROCUTION, I'M THE ONE I WANT TO HANDLE THE SITUATION On Saturday we went to a vineyard in Virginia -- yes, the one with the hill -- with some friends. It was waaay more subdued than last time,... Read more →


Blogzillas

Last night I attended my very first book-launch party. No, I did not write a book. Someone else wrote a book. And then someone else decided that inviting social dorkwad idiots like myself to the launch party was a good idea. (Bloggers. We're ruining ALL the best parties these days.) So. Let's recap the evening, shall we? 5:00 pm Okay. Jason will be home in a half hour to drive me to party. And pick up Bunny, who I am dragging as my plus-one. Plenty of time to put on pretty new dress, some makeup and pull hair into easy half-up, half-down, pulled-back-bangs look. 5:01 Notice red scaly patch of eczema-like rash on cheek. Random! Weird! Apply lotion and plug in curling iron. 5:04 Remember to turn curling iron ON. Whore. 5:05 Notice red scaly patch on cheek has morphed into some kind of angry red hive. Itchy. Ignore. 5:06... Read more →