So I think I've officially lost my sense of humor about this whole House of Doom and Germs and Fluids Leaking From Everybody's Headholes thing. Perhaps I left it at the pediatrician's office this morning. Perhaps I'll call and see if anyone has noticed the smell of death coming from their Lost & Found. Today's photo, if I chose to illustrate our plight, which I won't, because it's fucking disgusting, would feature the red oozing eyes of both Noah AND HIS MOTHER, who are sporting matching cases of pinkeye. Noah is also covered in a horrible itchy rash, which I initially brushed off as a run-of-the-mill viral rash, but now appears to be an allergic reaction to -- get this -- the Method Baby detergent I bought for Ezra's clothes. We typically use the Seventh Generation Free & Clear detergent for Noah's clothes, and YES I KNOW, I don't need special baby detergent, but that Method stuff smells so damn good I was helpless to resist it. (Seriously. That shit will make you LACTATE, it's so baby-fresh-delicious.) But my mother-in-law took control of the laundry this week and actually did laundry so often that she was able to COMBINE Noah's... Read more →

Let's Just Call This One "Tuesday"

Yes, Internet, I fully and openly admit to coasting. Both emotionally and editorially. I have not updated since Thursday, greedily allowing the comments to build and build and pile up, checking in every hour or so to boggle at the number and inform Noah that OVER 200 PEOPLE -- WAIT 250! WAIT WAIT 271! -- give a rat's ass about the fact that he had a good day at the Mock Preschool For Children Who Can't Talk Good And Wanna Learn To Do Other Stuff Good Too. Also? We've just been so good over here. Noah's little day of victory lifted us all -- even Noah seems to be happier and more confident, he's some kind of actual human being whose quality of life is affected by his speech and sensory problems. And here I thought all this stuff was dumped on ME for the sole purpose of pissing ME the hell off. Huh. He's talking up a storm and busting out with some fairly random vocabulary -- I guess that one time we made mucus Christmas cookies made a fairly big impression on him, because he's constantly asking about the ROLLY PIN and COOKAYS. Mostly the COOKAYS. "Cookay?"... Read more →

Life. Too Boring for Words.

Wow. I did...exactly not one interesting thing this week. I...unloaded the dishwasher a lot? I hid brussels sprouts in a fruit smoothie? I wore my cute new jacket from Target and bought Noah a new hat? Yes. All this, AND MORE! In the span of five whole days! Man, life is a crazy buzz sometimes. Yesterday Noah and I trekked up to Baltimore to hang out with this lunatic for a while a few hours longer than appropriate straight on 'til bedtime. Tracey and I got into a very heated discussion re: megapixels, and our differences could only be solved by blinding each other with camera flashes while shrieking our heads off. It made a lot of sense at the time. We were both admittedly pretty jealous of M's stylin' pink camera, though. The original idea was to sign some important business-y work-y type paperwork for (I'd rather not be sued for defamation by Britney Spears' busted-ass weave, you know? It looks litigious.) and let the kiddos work on their "sharing." Noah got his first taste of the Barbie accessories catalog and Halloween Oreos. Step One: Lick. Step Two: Dilate pupils. Step Three: RUN RUN RUN MUST CONSUME ENTIRE... Read more →

The Day After the Day After

So there was this one time when I managed to get myself linked to from Dave Barry's blog. That was incredibly cool and thrilling and I'm sure caused a few pinched bridges of noses over in the Typepad server room, but it also happened to be the same day I wrote about my spanking new thrush infection. Yesterday I found out I am a finalist for Best Parenting Blog over at the Weblog Awards. The same day I wrote about vomit and posted photos with my bra sticking out. I am possibly quite brilliant, or just the world's biggest jackass. I don't know. We'll see how the voting goes. (You can vote once every 24 hours. Look! Here's a visual reminder!) (What? Too much? A little ostentatious? How about this one?) (Inside voice!) I might be wrong, but I don't think there are any actual...prizes? Except for bragging rights? And Lord knows, if there's anything we parent bloggers need more of, it's things to brag about. SPEAKING OF BRAGGING... Noah was a freaking champion trick-or-treater. We had a little bit of a problem with him walking inside people's houses (at one house he barreled past the owners and made a... Read more →

Yo Ho Ho and Six Bottles of Rum

It appears I went to a Halloween party last night. I drank what I thought was a perfectly responsible amount of what I thought was a champagne-and-cranberry-juice punch, only to later learn that there were also a half dozen bottles of rum in it too, which would possibly explain why I woke up in the laundry pile this morning. Me, as either a cross-dressing Marie Antoinette...or a Sexy George Washington. Jason, as Dick Cheney. My wedding ring kept catching on the lace sleeves so I left it at home, thus making me and my bra very popular with two guys dressed like hot dogs. It was a proud moment. Today I am trying my hardest to effectively parent my child without getting up from the couch, while thinking about how good it would feel to just go ahead and vomit already, my God. UPDATE: I just did, and it was everything I dreamed it would be. Read more →

What We Do When We're Not Making Fun of the Dog

The distant future, the year 2000... No more agriculture. No more war. No more racism. No more fighting, squabbling, or rumbling. No more...yogurt. Robot 1: The humans are dead. (Robot 2: Yes they are dead.) Robot 1: The humans are dead. (Robot 2: I confirm they are dead.) Robot 1: It had to be done. (Robot 2: They look like they’re dead.) Robot 1: So that we could have fun. (Robot 2: I poked one, it was dead.) 0000001! 00000011! (Try this at home tonight! Supplies needed: wine box, scissors, toddler, and humansaredead.mp3) Read more →

Woke Up This Morning...

...and the original Broadway cast recording of Rent is in the CD player and there is a receipt from Ticketmaster in Jason's inbox. We're trying out the mezzanine this time. I don't even know who we are anymore. But I do know there is something really, really wrong with us. Read more →

It Occurs To Me That Everything About This Entry Is Somehow Related To Gas

Whenever I'm on nitrous oxide, I always feel like I'm flying high above some magical land of magic. The land is different every time, and is usually inspired by whatever music is playing. (At the dentist's office, I should probably clarify. I gave up recreational use a good six months ago.) This has led to some really weird hallucinations involving Peabo Bryson in the past. But this morning I was flying high over an animated land of rainbows, while cartoon characters with Afros and sequined yellow jumpsuits disco-danced to Shake Your Groove Thing. I was also 1) lying down with my feet up, and 2) officially off of diaper duty. Plus drugs! Let us not ever forget about the drugs. And yes, I was also getting the very last of my fourteen zillion cavities filled, but that's really splitting hairs. I had a nice morning off! It was downright lovely. Oh, and I received a brand-new bite appliance, for to be wearing at night so I don't grind my teeth down to little nubs of exposed nerves. It's sexy! I can't wait to put it in and whisper those magic words to Jason one of these nights. "Hey baby, e'm... Read more →

Taking My a'Drinkin' Skillz to the Next Level

On the off-chance that our trip to New York and the fourteen million pounds of pizza we consumed there were not QUITE enough to sufficiently celebrate Jason's birthday, we continued the birthday blowout extravagaaaaahnza with a bus trip to the always gorgeous Virgina wine country on Saturday. It was awesome. One person puked on the bus on the way home and another fell out of her seat and into the aisle and still did not wake up. Meanwhile I was engaged in a high-level discussion about racial profiling with a nice young man whose family bought his ticket for Father's Day but did not accompany him. He assured me he actually preferred it that way, and also, NO, the fact that he, Jason and I were relatively sober after consuming just as much wine as Ol' Pukey and Ol'FallOuty McDrunkAss over there was NOT a sign of serious alcoholism, it was a sign that I needed to pass him a damn plastic cup, he was opening another bottle. Also: I learned how to open a bottle of bubbly with a sword, people. A fucking SWORD. Wine Viking from amalah on Vimeo Yes, I biffed it the first time, which made... Read more →

Hostess Cupcake

We threw our first honest-to-God actual dinner party in the new house this weekend -- a party where we invited multiple people whom we are not related to, where we cooked multiple courses and I was in the basement frantically ironing dinner napkins as our first guests arrived because heavens! To Betsy, even! WRINKLED DINNER NAPKINS = FAILURE AT ADULTHOOD. And here is some more math for you: Seven adults - not enough chairs + three designated drivers x one pregnant woman + two toddler moms who drank all the wine and would not stop talking about birth and labor and mucus plugs + two toddlers + one tumble off the back deck and another damn bloody mouth in front of the SAME PEOPLE who saw the LAST bloody mouth and who now think parenthood is pretty much one bloody mouth after another. And also mucus plugs, which the poor pregnant woman never even heard of until last night but now knows everything you could possibly know about mucus plugs, including the size, color and consistency = ONE FREAKING AWESOME DINNER PARTY. (Seriously, that equation totally adds up right. Just carry the one.) He will hike up his shorts leg... Read more →