Click on a thumbnail to see the full version, pervie.
Hey! That's my motif! With the cherries and all? I kinda want these.
Though they kinda make me feel very, very ashamed of my banner image right now.
The classic underwear catalog pose. Head and hair thrown back, boobs barely covered, back and neck arched unnaturally, and some angel wings thrown in for good measure.
It's heavenly porn! It's downright Biblical!
You know, it must be bad when you're not only one of the disembodied crotches modeling panties in the catalog...you're the disembodied crotch modeling the freaking cotton briefs.
As soon as the flashbulbs died down, this model went completely apeshit crazy and hurled the entire box of candy at the photographer's assistant and demanded some GODDAMNED RED BULL AND A FUCKING CIGARETTE.
But she's quite cute in this picture.
I don't know what game she's playing, but I'm pretty sure she shouldn't be letting us see that ace.
So yes, she is dusting her ass. I'm a little worried that maybe this is something I'm supposed to be doing...kind of like that awful realization in 10th grade that I was the only girl who wasn't plucking her eyebrows. I'd never noticed them! I didn't know!
So maybe one is supposed to dust your ass now. I could do that...just as long as my duster always matched my bra and panties so nicely.
This poor model is so hungry she's eating her hair. Maybe. Is it her hair? Is it her hair clip? A stray bit of underwire support?
Either way, sexy. Right?
When did Victoria's Secret go all Frederick's on our ass? (Ass. Hee!)
The best part? This thong is musical. It plays "Here Comes the Bride." I shit you not.
A few theories:
1) It was a coincidence. The model wore the boots and then damn...this polar bear just walked by and you know, they had to skin it. It just went with the boots, like, so freaking well.
2) One of the prop guys has this screenplay? About the Abominable Snowman? Only, get this, it's a gorgeous woman...but only at night! It's gonna be awesome! Wanna read it? No?
3) It was either this or wearing the moose head. And her contract specifically says no moose heads.
Frankly, I don't care how good-looking you are. This ain't a good look. EVAH.
Somebody get this woman a full-length mirror, STAT!
Oh, can't you just feel her hate? This is not sexy. Support hose is already not sexy, but support hose that stops at your knees?
It's like a reverse granny kneehigh and there ain't no supermodel in the world that can pull off granny kneehighs.
Head tossed back, arms smushing and covering boobs? Check.
So in DC, there's this one independent candidate who runs for mayor every election. Her name is Faith. No last name. She was once a fairly famous stripper who is best-known as playing Mazeppa in the movie version of Gypsy. Mazeppa was the stripper who sang "If you wanna bump it, bump it with a trumpet!" in the You Gotta Have a Gimmick song.
So Mayor Faith carries a bugle with her everywhere and plays it during debates. She's a total batshit looney. I swear I am not making this up.
Anyway. What? Oh yeah. This photo is sooo Mayor Faith.
You know, for being best-known as an underwear catalog, there's a frightening lack of foundation garments in the clothing portion.
Help! I'm blowing away! My spine is buckling in the ocean breeze! I'm not supposed to bend like this!
Whoa, those are some way-scary eyes. Though I'd like to know what brand of eye makeup she uses...looks pretty good after frolicking in the surf and...
What? Oh. Spray bottles. I get it.
(By the way, the back of this suit looks like this. You're welcome.)
Oh yez, leetle man. Lie back and enjoy mine satin sheetz. Do you like mine gloves and garters? So good for strangling leetle man. What? Oh yez, I meant that in the sexy good way, not in the bad murder way.
Stupid leetle man.
I've got nothing.
Except that this pose really, really makes me laugh.
Also her shoes.
Hey...that rug looks familiar...
She kinda looks like she's reeeeaaallly enjoying the feel of the rug, if you know what I mean. And I think you do. Perv.
If I showed up at work wearing this suit, I would never, ever be taken seriously again. Ever. Never. Even Ally Freaking McBeal didn't wear anything this pink and rufflely and bowy.
Girls are so cute when they're playing office!
So this is what happens when Victoria's Secret stops with all the dramatic orgasm poses and tries to capture a "real" moment in a woman's day.
This is the daily ritual of perching on a tiny table in one's pyjamas and chandelier earrings while checking your lipstick in a mirror that's behind you.
Or maybe it's a cold sore. Again, sexy!
I don't know about everybody else, but these shoes look like they would annoy the living shit out of me.
"Gah! Something's on my foot! Oh, it's just my shoe."
"Gah! What's that! Oh."
"Gah! Get it off!"
The model is gone.
Yet her nipples remain!!
It's the haunted camisole! Aaaeeeiiii!!!
(Got sumthin' to say 'bout this album, suckah? If you are not a Victoria's Secret lawyer who wants to sue me, feel free to tell me what you think RIGHT HERE.)
Or hurling a discus.
Or just really, really uncomfortable. But her slicked back hair? Means we are supposed to take her seriously.
Victoria's Secret briefly attempted a line of swimwear designed and inspired by Richard Simmons.
Individual pieces can now be bought for $4.99 and up. Work it!