www.amalah.com > Real Women Have Snarky Comments

Click on a thumbnail to see the full version, pervie.

www . amalah's ass . com

www . amalah's ass . com

Hey! That's my motif! With the cherries and all? I kinda want these.

Though they kinda make me feel very, very ashamed of my banner image right now.


Angels We Have Heard On High

Angels We Have Heard On High

The classic underwear catalog pose. Head and hair thrown back, boobs barely covered, back and neck arched unnaturally, and some angel wings thrown in for good measure.

It's heavenly porn! It's downright Biblical!


At Least Hand Modeling Has Dignity

At Least Hand Modeling Has Dignity

You know, it must be bad when you're not only one of the disembodied crotches modeling panties in the catalog...you're the disembodied crotch modeling the freaking cotton briefs.


For Decorative Purposes Only

For Decorative Purposes Only

As soon as the flashbulbs died down, this model went completely apeshit crazy and hurled the entire box of candy at the photographer's assistant and demanded some GODDAMNED RED BULL AND A FUCKING CIGARETTE.

But she's quite cute in this picture.


My poker face is about 6 inches above where you're looking.

My poker face is about 6 inches above where you're looking.

I don't know what game she's playing, but I'm pretty sure she shouldn't be letting us see that ace.

Dumbass.


Dustbunny

Dustbunny

So yes, she is dusting her ass. I'm a little worried that maybe this is something I'm supposed to be doing...kind of like that awful realization in 10th grade that I was the only girl who wasn't plucking her eyebrows. I'd never noticed them! I didn't know!

So maybe one is supposed to dust your ass now. I could do that...just as long as my duster always matched my bra and panties so nicely.


So...Very...Hungry

So...Very...Hungry

This poor model is so hungry she's eating her hair. Maybe. Is it her hair? Is it her hair clip? A stray bit of underwire support?

Either way, sexy. Right?


No. Never. Not Even.

No. Never. Not Even.

When did Victoria's Secret go all Frederick's on our ass? (Ass. Hee!)

The best part? This thong is musical. It plays "Here Comes the Bride." I shit you not.

(Shit. Hee!)


Snowbeast

Snowbeast

A few theories:

1) It was a coincidence. The model wore the boots and then damn...this polar bear just walked by and you know, they had to skin it. It just went with the boots, like, so freaking well.

2) One of the prop guys has this screenplay? About the Abominable Snowman? Only, get this, it's a gorgeous woman...but only at night! It's gonna be awesome! Wanna read it? No?

3) It was either this or wearing the moose head. And her contract specifically says no moose heads.


(Don't) Let Me See That Thong

(Don't) Let Me See That Thong

Frankly, I don't care how good-looking you are. This ain't a good look. EVAH.

Somebody get this woman a full-length mirror, STAT!


Support Network

Support Network

Oh, can't you just feel her hate? This is not sexy. Support hose is already not sexy, but support hose that stops at your knees?

It's like a reverse granny kneehigh and there ain't no supermodel in the world that can pull off granny kneehighs.

Head tossed back, arms smushing and covering boobs? Check.


Ok

Ok

So in DC, there's this one independent candidate who runs for mayor every election. Her name is Faith. No last name. She was once a fairly famous stripper who is best-known as playing Mazeppa in the movie version of Gypsy. Mazeppa was the stripper who sang "If you wanna bump it, bump it with a trumpet!" in the You Gotta Have a Gimmick song.

So Mayor Faith carries a bugle with her everywhere and plays it during debates. She's a total batshit looney. I swear I am not making this up.

Anyway. What? Oh yeah. This photo is sooo Mayor Faith.


That Other Model Ate My Underwire!

That Other Model Ate My Underwire!

You know, for being best-known as an underwear catalog, there's a frightening lack of foundation garments in the clothing portion.


A Stiff Breeze

A Stiff Breeze

Help! I'm blowing away! My spine is buckling in the ocean breeze! I'm not supposed to bend like this!


Beach Blankets of Evil

Beach Blankets of Evil

Whoa, those are some way-scary eyes. Though I'd like to know what brand of eye makeup she uses...looks pretty good after frolicking in the surf and...

What? Oh. Spray bottles. I get it.

(By the way, the back of this suit looks like this. You're welcome.)


Again With the Cherries

Again With the Cherries

Oh yez, leetle man. Lie back and enjoy mine satin sheetz. Do you like mine gloves and garters? So good for strangling leetle man. What? Oh yez, I meant that in the sexy good way, not in the bad murder way.

Stupid leetle man.


Crouching Tiger Hidden...Something

Crouching Tiger Hidden...Something

I've got nothing.

Except that this pose really, really makes me laugh.

Also her shoes.


Snowbeast II: The Beastening

Snowbeast II: The Beastening

Hey...that rug looks familiar...

She kinda looks like she's reeeeaaallly enjoying the feel of the rug, if you know what I mean. And I think you do. Perv.


Pink & Fluffy Professionalism

Pink & Fluffy Professionalism

Oh lord.

If I showed up at work wearing this suit, I would never, ever be taken seriously again. Ever. Never. Even Ally Freaking McBeal didn't wear anything this pink and rufflely and bowy.

Girls are so cute when they're playing office!


Actual Real Life

Actual Real Life

So this is what happens when Victoria's Secret stops with all the dramatic orgasm poses and tries to capture a "real" moment in a woman's day.

This is the daily ritual of perching on a tiny table in one's pyjamas and chandelier earrings while checking your lipstick in a mirror that's behind you.

Or maybe it's a cold sore. Again, sexy!


The Butterfly Effect

The Butterfly Effect

I don't know about everybody else, but these shoes look like they would annoy the living shit out of me.

"Gah! Something's on my foot! Oh, it's just my shoe."

"Gah! What's that! Oh."

"Gah! Get it off!"


Ghostie

Ghostie

The model is gone.

Yet her nipples remain!!

It's the haunted camisole! Aaaeeeiiii!!!

(Got sumthin' to say 'bout this album, suckah? If you are not a Victoria's Secret lawyer who wants to sue me, feel free to tell me what you think RIGHT HERE.)


Bendy Straw

Bendy Straw

I'm flying!

Or hurling a discus.

Or just really, really uncomfortable. But her slicked back hair? Means we are supposed to take her seriously.


Sweatin' to the Oldies Swimwear!

Sweatin' to the Oldies Swimwear!

Victoria's Secret briefly attempted a line of swimwear designed and inspired by Richard Simmons.

Individual pieces can now be bought for $4.99 and up. Work it!