1. Wake up on time. Get to work on time. No more of this getting up at 8:15ish, out the door at 9:10ish, and in the office at 9:45ish. Realize that I am a prissy, prissy girl who takes a long time to get ready in the morning and wake up at 7:30, out the door by 8:30 and in my office at 9 sharp. 2. Go to the gym at least three times a week. Jog, work on arms which are starting to get waddly and old-looking. Stop kidding myself that elliptical trainer set on way-easy settings does anything. 3. Record something other than South Park, Simpsons, Family Guy and Blind Date so TiVo stops thinking I’m a 13-year-old boy. 4. Speaking of TiVo, finally watch HBO’s Angels in America that’s still taking up 6 hours worth of space. 5. Rent first seasons of Alias so I can stop pretending that I have a clue what the hell is going on. 6. Take calcium. 7. No more lunches from the office vending machine. 8. Get a physical. See the dentist. See the shrink. Physical and mental health, harmony, etc. 9. Take better care of my shoes. Polish them instead... Read more →

We have newsgroups at my office. Basically, a couple email folders in Outlook for people to post messages about crap for sale, junk for rent, and corporate cheerleading rah-rah messages. And at least one person is perpetually looking for a good plumber. While it’s a nice place to score sports tickets or used DVDs, you must be very careful before posting. Think about it. I once posted a request for an orthopedic surgeon (Knee injury from skiing. I hit a tree on the bunny trail. Yeah, I’m way hardcore.) and got about seventy-bazillion responses…all accompanied by people’s harrowing tales of injury, surgery and recovery. One lady called and literally kept me on the phone for 20 minutes as she yakked about her broken neck and the miraculous recovery made possible because of the good people over at Bethesda Orthopedics. I was all, ew, but seriously, you just can’t interrupt someone who broke her neck and nearly died and still soldiers on in newsletter publishing with “Oh, thanks, I really just need the doctor’s name, so bye!” But I did pretend my other line was ringing when I sensed the conversation was headed in the "And wouldn't you like to have... Read more →

Last night FOX 5 News uncovered the biggest holiday scandal to hit the DC area since somebody found bags of undelivered White House Christmas cards in a dumpster. Nay, I would go as far as to say there has never been a story of this magnitude. Get ready to be blown away by this spectacular feat of journalism. (Are you ready?) Item! People get sick after the holidays because of all the hugging at big family get-togethers. Dun da DUN!! I've been fighting a cold since Friday since I refused to let it ruin my New York birthday weekend, but today it won. Thank the Lord for FOX 5 News because now I can properly blame it on my family and their voracious holiday need to hug. Bastards. FOX 5 News? You're idiots. Shut up. Read more →

Oxygen! Again with the Roseanne episodes labeled as Absolutely Fabulous! Oy with the poodles already! What the eff is your problem? See, here's how the happy world of TiVo is supposed to work. I tell TiVo to record all eps of AbFab. You tell TiVo when AbFab is on. But no, you tell TiVo that AbFab is on when really, it's Roseanne. This is where the entire system breaks down, Oxygen, and as far as I can tell, the blame is solely in your court. What do you need me to do, Oxygen? Help me help you. I want to watch your network. Yes, I'm going to fast-forward the commercials but I will watch your network! Should I use reverse psychology and record Roseanne episodes? Should I write a letter to The Oprah telling her what fuckwits you are? Do you have an 800 number I can call to tell you to knock it off? Do you need a program fact checker to make sure you're sending the right information to the TiVo-program-guide-bot? Seriously, do it again and I will destroy you. I mean it, I'll...I'll...I'll post more tantrums about you! Don't mess with the Almighty Amalah and her little... Read more →

Gah. Ok, where to begin? We have heat! A merry gift for Christmas Eve…the happy roar of our HVAC thingie springing to life and our water heater purring away, while visions of non-freezing floors dance in our heads. We cranked the heat up to a balmy 80 degrees just because we could. Anyone who wanted to wear a festive Christmas sweater be damned…I was going to take my wooly socks off and prance around in a tank top. Plus: festive sweaters are fugly. Gifts? Well, of course. Tiffany earrings! Rocktastic coat from Benetton! BCBG shoes! Sephora gift sets! Marc Jacobs perfume! Clubby clothes! Loungy clothes! Muppet pyjamas! South Park, Monty Python! And more! Best. Christmas. Haul. Ever. We had enough food to feed an army and left one bottle of wine unopened. After everyone cleared out I decided to be all domestic and make some stock out of the turkey bones and sliced the top of a finger off with my brand-new chef’s knife. I’m used to knives that require a sawing/hacking motion to cut through butter, so OW. It was Attack of the Leftovers! Ha! I mean groan. (Incidentally, this was the same finger that, a few months ago,... Read more →

Day three of no heat. Hopefully tomorrow. Tomorrow, as in the same day all my family members arrive for the holidays. Family members, as in my parents, sister, brother-in-law and neice. The last three have never seen our cozy little home, in all its IKEA-first-mortgage glory. By the time they arrive, we'll probably be able to see our breath. And do we have enough food? What about wine? Will 10 bottles be enough? So, to recap my current state of affairs: Am freezing to death in a luxury condo, totally broke because of a leak and a goddamn bird's nest in said condo, completely skitched out over the whole holiday entertaining thing, and quite possibly a little drunk. Read more →

A pipe burst in our neighborhood yesterday. Result? No heat until at least tomorrow evening. I am freezing to death in my own home. The hardwood floors are so cold Max won't walk on them and is getting around by jumping on the furniture. He has no problem with the couch to ottoman to chair to area rug to (aaahhhh) carpeted stairs route, but he's having trouble getting over to his food dish in the dining room...especially since I made it clear that the Christmas tree is NOT to be used as a launching pad of any kind. I worked from home today in these arctic conditions. Dryer Guy came earlier this afternoon to dig a bird's nest out of the outside dryer vent by leaning out out bathroom window with a broom handle and a coat hanger. Cost for this stunning display of technical know-how? $97.50. Running commentary on the rampant commercialism of Christmas and Dryer Guy's solution to the Middle East crisis? Free. Then Plumber Guy came to fix a leak in our upstairs storage room from the HVAC system-dealie-thingie. Even though they were just here about six months for maintenance and told us everything was fine, I... Read more →

Ok, so I'll admit Mandy Moore is kind of cute...and while she appears to be a perfectly capable actress, are they seriously trying to sell her as the heir apparent to Audrey Hepburn? (Though she's probably better than the godawful Hepwitt.) What's with this teenybopper remake of Roman Holiday they're advertising? "Aw, look at the poor president's daughter. She works so hard being all proper and diplomatic and just wants to have a little fun with a cute boy and his moped!" Somewhere, right now, a pitch meeting is going on at some second-rate entertainment rag..."Hey! Why don't we get the Bush twins to write a review of the new Mandy Moore movie!" And it must be stopped. Read more →

Red Line: Union Station to Tenleytown Errand—Bucks County Coffee Kiosk for Embarrassing Amounts of Coffee to Make it Through the Holidays A very harried businessman gets on at Metro Center. I don’t even notice him until I hear his audible sigh of exhaustion as he sits—make that collapses—into the nearest seat, as if completely overwhelmed and irritated by just how far one must walk on public transportation. Two rows back, a small bald man gazes wistfully at the back of his head. This guy does have amazing hair. It’s thick, curly and golden brown. He’s probably the only middle-aged man I’ve ever seen with hair that could be described as “lush,” although I don’t think I’d use that word to his face. He looks a little pissy. He’s good-looking in a rotund, jolly way. He’s wearing a very well-cut wool dress coat over a bright blue tailored shirt. A yellow tie hangs undone around his neck. The rest of him is obscured by a seat, which is disappointing, because I wonder what kind of socks he’s wearing. Business-like or whimsical? (I’ve been surprised before, so socks are a must-see for proper people-watching now.) His face is round; his eyes are... Read more →

Woke up this morning and was absolutely beside myself with glee when I discovered that TiVo had recorded an old ep of Absolutely Fabulous for me last night. TiVo, sweetie darling, how did you know? So after finally chasing Jason away from his zillion old Star Trek episodes (Starring! Captain! James T. Kirk and a cast! Of! Thousands!) I settled down to watch the Brit-style drunken debauchery of Edina and Patsy and secretly note how similar my friends and I can be to them sometimes...and...and... ROSEANNE?? The hell? Damn you Oxygen channel! Not only does 99% of your programming suck but you mislabel Roseanne as Absolutely Fabulous?? Hate, hate, HATE you so much. It was supposed to be the ep in Morocco where they sell Saffy into white slavery and then have all sorts of hashish-induced visions INCLUDING the one where we find out Pats may have possibly been a man for a period of time. And instead you give me a post-shark-jump Roseanne wih the wrong Becky and everything. You hear me Oxygen? HATE! Read more →