Wet Feet, Cranky Brain
Bad Girls

Confessions of an Anti-Dentite

Hola amigos. What up? I know it’s been awhile since I rapped at ya, but seriously, crazy shiat been going down on my end. No, that’s a total lie. (And a blatant case of Onion plagiarism.)

This week: Snow. Ice. Add DC drivers and stir. Repeat as needed for full annoyance.

My new assistant (who from this point forward shall be known as Eve3 for reasons that are hysterical to Me) starts on February 10, which is good, because the dry cleaners are threatening to give my clothes away if I don’t pick them up by then. Ha! Ba-dum-ching! Try the veal, etc.

I went to the dentist yesterday. Which I hate, but it was quick and painless and I got lots o’ praise for my fantastic oral hygiene. Oh, and see here…I know everybody hates the dentist, but seriously, I have reasons. (Warning: squicky tooth story ahead.)

When I was a teenager I had this one stubborn baby tooth that would not fall out. I needed braces so they yanked it and waited for the grown-up tooth to come in. And we waited. An X-ray showed that the grown-up tooth was growing in completely sideways. Freak show tooth, if you will. So I had to have this big oral surgery ordeal to attach a chain to freak show tooth so it could be yanked up gradually. It was awful. I was swollen for a week and in so much pain. And not just a throbbing toothache pain. More like they put my funny bone in my jaw and proceeded to whack it repeatedly with large, bulky office furniture.

But! Then! It gets even worse! I went for my first chain-yanking appointment at my orthodontist and some fuckwit dental technician yanks it TOO HARD AND THE ENTIRE CHAIN AND BRACKET CAME OUT THROUGH MY GUMS. This…stung. Just a bit. So I had to have the entire surgery all over AGAIN, right then and there in the orthodontist's office.

So seriously, I should get a medal or something for letting ANYONE touch my teeth now. And I very rarely bite anymore.

(Oh, and if anyone is still reading after that vile story, I just noticed last night that there is suddenly some mad amalah.com linkage going on, and I’m sorry I haven’t visited or reciprocated yet. According to Blogrolling’s search function, I’m still the most unpopular girl in blog school, so it’s weird. Because seriously! I’m cool now! My mom bought me deodorant! My freak show teeth are all fixed!)



Have I told you that you just crack my ass up? With respect to the dentist, I'm glad you survived. I managed to escape mine with a new filling but very little pain. DC drivers? Repeat? You only need to stir that concoction once.


i too have tales of dental terror to tell.

i had oral surgery to remove all 4 wisdom teeth. now, being a dumbass, i thought, 'hey, i'll do all 4 at once AND do it only with novicaine."

guess what. an incompetent dentist will shoot you with 21 shots of novicaine (hard palate, soft palate, gums) and then STOP the surgery right in the middle of the third tooth cracking (they were impacted) because my parents and the dentist thought it would be a good time to fight about the bill.

once that little doosey was settled, i had dry sockets. now if you never had dry sockets, imagine your jaw locking up in the halfway open position in the middle of the night .

to sum it up, my gaping wound somehow 'closed up' . the cure? the dentist decided to get ordinary scissors and shove them into the wound and cut it open.

all without telling me what he was going to do and all without novicaine.

so girl, i DO feel your pain.


Yes, I'm aware that this entry is almost two months old, but I'm really bored at work.

Anyhow, EW! Oh. My. Goodness. I'm impressed that you didn't need years of therapy after that to ever set foot near a dentist again. Jeez. And, pull the tooth out via a chain? Now, this may just be me, but that totally sounds like Ghetto Crackah Dentistry to me. Ewwwwww.

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