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January 2004
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March 2004

Annoyance Doesn't Take a Vacation

La la la, at home today, taking my very first personal day in like, ever. Plan for the day: 1) Sleep the FUCK IN. 2) Wake up, go online and find that dozens more people submitted movies for the B&B auditions. 2) Check email for final section of group school project that was supposed to sent to me on Wednesday by group member #4. 3) Put all parts of school project together, apply my super-editing-powers, email it off to our group's long-lost fifth member who hasn't done a goddamned thing but claims to be a good editor because she "edited my high school newspaper!" Fine, bitch, edit away. 4) Pop-Tarts. 5) Take the WRX in for 15,000 mile service. Get better service than I got here. 6) Doctor's appointment. Blood-letting. Out-of-pocket lab tests. Grr. 7) Simpsons Hit & Run. The day so far: 1) Woke up at 7 a.m. Was spotted and outed as awake by cat. Was permanently awaken by cat with the crying and the pacing and the jumping on my head. 2) Not. A. One. You have the weekend. Get cracking. 3) Did not receive final part of project from mysterious group member #4. Seethed. Realized I'm... Read more →

Come On Over, the Porn's Ready!

TypePad seems to be behaving I think I shall unveil my new photo album. Which does not contain a single picture of me. But which does contain my hilarious and snappy critique of the latest Victoria's Secret catalog. (But which. Buttwich! Ha! Ok, I've been looking at these pictures for way too long.) And yes, some of these pictures might not be suitable for work. Ladies in their underdrawers and such. Cleavage. Possibly some ankles. You've been warned. Click it, perv. **Victoria's Secret owns all these pictures and the pretty things in them. I probably shouldn't have taken them but I did. So either 1) Please don't tell on me, or 2) Hi Victoria's Secret lawyers! You look pretty too. I buy lots and lots of stuff from your catalog and love it very much. Please don't sue me. Read more →

We're Sorry, Today's Show is Postponed Due to Technical Fuck-Ups

Y'all, I don't know what's gotten up in Typepad's grill the past couple days. Apparently there's some hardware thing going down that's causing "website sluggishness." That's the technical other words: Sites are loading slower than snail shit. And I'm super-bummed because I have this hilarious new photo album to share. It's a downright laff riot. Also? Victoria's Secret models. So I bring the funny AND the boobs...a little something for everyone. But no way am I wasting this kind of brilliance when one photo would take about a bazillion hours to load. So we wait. In the meantime, why don't you make a film?? (Still waiting.) (Shit!) Read more →

I, Dumbass

Or: Incredibly Stupid Shit I've Done Today, And It’s Not Even Lunchtime: 1) I very nearly choked and died while taking a multivitamin. I started swallowing the pill before I even had my glass of juice up to my lips. Gag reflex ensued, but the vitamin got stuck in the back of my throat. Rather than take a swig of juice to dislodge it, I panicked and stood there gagging on it for a good 30 seconds. But in the end, I’m alive and full of nutrients. 2) While blow-drying my hair, I noticed that the little lint filter thing was pretty gross looking. So I popped the dryer open and started picking out lint. After deciding this was taking entirely too long, I put the filter back in the dryer and closed it up. Only I put the filter in the opposite way, because I figured this way I couldn’t see all the gross lint. Problem solved. Until I turned the dryer on and a big cloud of lint and dust came shooting out and into my hair. 3) I carried a bag of trash all the way out to my car before realizing that I’d forgotten to drop... Read more →

Calling All Fame Whores!

Are you funny? Do you have a blog you want desperately to promote? Have you ever dreamed of seeing yourself in animated form? Are you ready for your close-up? Then Webcam Donkey Productions Ltd. wants YOU! Webcam Donkey Productions Ltd., the scholarly think-tank behind the already-totally-famous and acclaimed animated soap opera, The Bold & The Bloglicious, is holding an open casting call. We’re looking for new characters to join the soap. We’ll plug your blog and cleverly incorporate all the funny shiat you write. (For an example, please see Doxie, Miss.) We can make you a hero, a villain and a sex symbol, all at the same time. We can get you laid. Here’s what you do, kitties: 1) Watch the latest episodes of the soap. Bask in its hilarious awesomeness. All episodes can be found on the sidebar. Somewhere. 2) Go to DF1LM. 3) Make an episode using their super-duper-way-easy-a-monkey-could-do-it MovieMaker. 4) Put yo’self in it. Make yo’self funny and fine. Using existing plots or make shit up. It’s really up to you. I mean yo’. 5) Post your creation here on the comments board, or email it directly to Amy and Lauren if you’re shy. 6) Lauren and... Read more →

Soap Scum

Monday. Feh. I have absolutely nothing of interest to say today (yet please note that I am still typing) and I am paralyzed with fear over having to write the next episode of the Bold & the Bloglicious because I have no idea how to top what Lauren and I produced on Friday. We're up to Part Eight y'all. Plans have been foiled, songs have been sung and plots have been twistified beyond all reason. And for everybody who's been emailing asking/pleading/begging for a part, rest assured, we'll be holding open casting calls soon. But if anybody out there looks like Snoop Dogg, please email me immediately because there's this Snoop Dogg character that I want to use like, so bad. Also, do we have any sumo wrestlers in the audience? Just asking. Read more →

8 Things

1) It’s Friday! Much rejoicing, blah. 2) Two of the meanest freaking geese ever have taken up residence in my parking garage at work. They strut around and make a racket and honk honk honk all the livelong day. Also: Bird shit. Everywhere. And as I was walking in from my car this morning I passed them. Innocently. I mean the birds no ill will. I don’t want to steal their nest. I didn’t even look at the girl goose. But then the boy goose freaking charged at me. Wings wide open, honking like hell…running right at me. So what did I do when threatened by a goose? I ran like the scared little chicken I am. Fast. And I may have shrieked a little bit. 3) Ok, and for everyone who freaked out on my behalf over my boss reading this site, let me back up on the drama queenness. VP Mike is cool, dawgs. I'm totally down with him reading. Like once? He threw a party and invited the whole team over for Maryland crabs. I love me some crabs. And there were Jello shots there, people. Jello shots. He rocks. He also sent me an email yesterday... Read more →

The Metrorail Commandments, Fin

Part Three: Farecards of Doom, Also, Amy Breaks All the Rules For God’s sake be aware of how much it costs to get where you are going. This rule is in place to spare you the embarrassment of an Inadequate Fare Card that gets spat back at you as you walk into the orange turnstile thingie as they don’t open for you and you must take your Inadequate Fare Card and act confused and immensely puzzled and push through the all people back to the exitfare machines—when everyone knows there’s nothing to be puzzled about; you are an idiot who needs 80 cents added onto your card. At the exitfare machine you will be embarrassed again if you don’t have 80 cents but only have a five-dollar bill. After you insert the aforementioned denomination, 80 cents will be added to your card, while 16 quarters and four nickels will be spat back at you and which jingle loudly in your pocket as you return to the orange gate things, with your fare card 80 cents richer and your pockets 20 times heavier and louder. Metro has attempted to make knowing how much it costs to get where you are going... Read more →

So Fired

Y'all, I am SO totally going to be fired. So I left work late yesterday after toiling on the soapish exploits of Amy, Lauren, Miss Doxie & the evil Señor Shiznit (New! Part Three is here!). I got on the elevator with our division's VP and Publisher, who is the boss of me above the boss of me. And who is awesome. And who apparently (as I would learn during this elevator ride) reads this site. Oh! Um. Look at me! I'm working very, very hard. I only blog during my lunch hour, I. Swear. To. God. And I actually mean lunch half-hour, because I work so very, very hard. See, I can write something and then tell Typepad to post it later, so when you see posts at 4:17 p.m. on a Tuesday it doesn't mean that I actually wrote it then...oh no, not at all. Isn't, super interesting? And did I mention how awesome VP Mike is? Read more →

As Sands Through The Motherboard...

Ladies and gentlemen, for your (well, mostly my) enjoyment, I present the world's first interactive, multimedia, blogger-powered and animated soap opera series: The Bold & The Bloglicious. A bazillion parts are already available, and more shall be written when we damn well feel like it, and available for your viewing pleasure on the burgeoning sidebar of this hallowed site. And seriously you guys? This is funny stuff. From time to time? We host open casting calls, which are totally fun and let you get in on the action. (Ooh dirty!) Written & Directed by Amy & Lauren of Webcam Donkey Productions Ltd., Produced & Distributed by DFi1m. (Copyrighted 2004 by Webcam Donkey Productions Ltd. So step off.) Read more →