Today I Shall Eat Lettuce Like a Little Bunny

A Memorandum

To: All Users of the Ladies’ Room, Which Would Mean, Basically, All Ladies.

From: Amy, Queen of Everything, Esq.

Re: Toilet Seat Covers

The paper toilet seat covers supplied in our restroom are a wonderful public service. No one wants to share ass-germs with anyone else, no matter how delightful we may find you otherwise. While they are thin and flimsy, they are a comfort to many of us who secretly think that you? Are skanky.

However, it has come to my attention that someone(s) (somebody(s)? some dipshit(s)?) is/are taking a paper seat cover and then changing their mind and shoving the cover BACK into the dispenser. I can tell you’re doing this because I am not an idiot.

Are you taking two? Are you deciding at the last minute to live life dangerously and risk the ass-germs? I do not know. But what I do know is that I want you to quit it. Your hands have touched the seat cover, and therefore I do not want that seat cover anywhere near my ass. Because you are skanky, dirty girls and I have Germ Issues.

Look, these paper toilet seat covers are not a precious resource. Go on, treat yourself. The company will never know that you flushed an extra seat cover. You do not have a daily seat cover allotment. And they’re so wafer-thin? It’s not even a 1,000,000,000th percent of a tree. So just flush the extra one. It’s the circle of life.

I’m sure if we all work together, we can all enjoy a pristine, uncrumpled and untouched toilet seat cover on every visit. Because this is America, and we waste things. So trying to salvage a crumpled toilet seat cover? Is freaking communism, people.

Thank you for your time, germies.



ARGHHHH!!!! I depend on those toilet seat covers. It was bad enough moving to a place where most business don't have them, but to see them picked through is quite disgusting.


Wow. The negatives of being the only female in my office are so strong, I sometimes forget the positives, like the fact that I have my own bathroom. Because ass germs? Suck - and I'm sorry you have to deal with them.


Ahhh! We are a lot a like. I too have germ issues and I can totally see where you are coming from.




THAT was priceless!

I was just thinking that the other day. Some dipshit at work keeps putting back a seatcover.


Hopefully she reads your blog and will get the message!


I live in ass germ country, no toilet seat covers here.


Those are the same women who can't seem to get the tampon wrapper in the little stainless steel trash bin hanging directly at arms length!


i don't even use seat covers. i just sit my butt right down on there.

if i had a gaping butt wound, i might feel differently, but when i have to go, i have to GO.

and maybe i'm the only one, but isn't it true that when you really have to go, the sight of the toilet just makes it all the much more urgent?

could be just me...
(sorry about the change of name... privacy issudes... grrr!)


Another wonderful thing about those seat covers? They double as toilet paper if you get caught in with an empty roll. Please remind everyone of that so they stop using paper towels and then THROWING THEM IN THE TRASH CAN.

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