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February 2004
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April 2004

The Non-Packing Packing Diary

7:21 p.m. Home from work. Finally. Grr. 7:26 Check email. 7:30 Get out suitcase. Attempt to rip old airport baggage tags off. 7:32 Get scissors. 7:33 Cut tags off. Peel sticky ends apart and stick on cat. 7:36 Vodka. 7:39 Open suitcase. Find old batteries and mini-shampoos. 7:40 Put pink pinstripe PJ bottoms and pink tank top in suitcase. Adorableness. 7:42 Cannot resist adorableness of pink pinstripe PJs. Put on. 7:44 Put less adorable blue jersey PJs in suitcase. Because really. 7:40 Look for Tuesday and Wednesday's Care Bear thongs. 7:43 Still looking. 7:47 Where? Where? 7:49 Find them in sock drawer. All is well. Also find Strawberry Shortcake PJs. Put on. Pink pinstripe PJs back in suitcase. 7:51 I wonder what the weather is like in Pensacola? 7:53 75 degrees. Pink pinstripe PJs replaced with Simpsons Mr. Sparkle tee-shirt and white men's briefs. 7:57 Frantic trying on of everything in closet, on floor and in laundry pile. Hate everything. Have seriously nothing nice to wear. Am poor little girl from Les Miserables with the rags and the whatnot. 8:02 Is Juicy Couture business casual? 8:07 Oooh dinner! 8:14 Oooh vodka! 8:17 Everything in closet makes ass look huge. Hate... Read more →

Haiku Smackdown, New & Improved

(Okay, I just posted this over at the Thursday Haiku Smackdown's official site, but I like it so much I'm posting it here too. Reruns! But since I'll be away until Thursday morning I didn't want all you Amalaholics to go cold turkey, so here. Drink, for this is my body. Which is so going to hell now. Byeee!) Greetings 'Ku Fans, I'm your host for this week's Smackdown and as such, I am the boss of you. The very bossy boss of you. After consulting with the Powers That Be over at the JLB, we've decided to up the ante a little this week. You've proven yo'selves to be quite the proficient 'ku writers, so this week? It ain't gonna be about the numbers. After last week's spectacular showing, the world knows we can rapid-fire 'ku like nobody's bizness. We can do hundreds and hundreds of haiku in a span of a few hours. We can 'ku about the weather and our lunch and how much we hate meetings and blah blah blah. While fun for those in the heat of the haiku hotness, its kinda boring for anyone who has to poke in occasionally and scroll through those... Read more →


I'm going to Florida tomorrow morning. For work, though, before y'all amp up your "Yay! Have fun! Get some sun, etc." comments. I'll be back late (laaaate) Wednesday night. FIVE REASONS WHY I VERY MUCH DO NOT WANT TO GO ON THIS TRIP: 1) I'm going to miss not one, but TWO episodes of American Idol. I'm going to miss Gilmore Girls and Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. Scrubs. The Apprentice. South Park. These are two momentous days of television and my lone TiVo will not be able to handle it all. Decisions must be made. I may also, a little bit, miss my husband. 2) I'm going to be in the Atlanta airport for a mere 48 minutes tomorrow, and then again on Wednesday. 48 minutes of being so close, and yet so far away from Miss Doxie and all the fun we could have in the non-airport part of Atlanta. 3) I have to write new and revised rules in preparation of Thursday's Haiku Smackdown, to be held right here. But because of this trip I need to write them today. And I don't wanna. I also need to write a clever and witty Actual Smackdown post... Read more →

A Memorandum

To: All Users of the Ladies’ Room, Which Would Mean, Basically, All Ladies. From: Amy, Queen of Everything, Esq. Re: Toilet Seat Covers The paper toilet seat covers supplied in our restroom are a wonderful public service. No one wants to share ass-germs with anyone else, no matter how delightful we may find you otherwise. While they are thin and flimsy, they are a comfort to many of us who secretly think that you? Are skanky. However, it has come to my attention that someone(s) (somebody(s)? some dipshit(s)?) is/are taking a paper seat cover and then changing their mind and shoving the cover BACK into the dispenser. I can tell you’re doing this because I am not an idiot. Are you taking two? Are you deciding at the last minute to live life dangerously and risk the ass-germs? I do not know. But what I do know is that I want you to quit it. Your hands have touched the seat cover, and therefore I do not want that seat cover anywhere near my ass. Because you are skanky, dirty girls and I have Germ Issues. Look, these paper toilet seat covers are not a precious resource. Go on, treat... Read more →

Today I Shall Eat Lettuce Like a Little Bunny

It's Friday. Friday Friday Friday. Friday. Aaaaand, it's beautiful outside, which put me in the BEST MOOD this morning. I was all set to write a post about bunnies and sunshine and the Return of the Cadbury Creme Egg. But. Then. (You knew the happy couldn't last, right?) I decided today would be a lovely day to break out some capris from last year. I have these linen ones that are very earth-mother-granola-I-heart-the-universe and I wanted to wear them. Well guess what? Right, you saw where this was going before I even started. They didn't fit. At all. The side pockets did that horrific stretch thing that I cannot even's like the poor pants call in the fabric from inside the pockets as reserves to try to stretch around your hips. I got them zipped and all but then you have the squoosh factor above the waistband. And since I was determined to thoroughly destroy the happy sunshine and puppies vibe I had going on this morning, I looked in a full-length mirror after getting them on. The one thing I can say? Is that my calves and ankles are very nice and skinny. From my knees down? I... Read more →

Today is Why I Created the Got Nuthin' Category In the First Place

Jeez, where have I been all day? Well, two places. No wait, three. Shit, four. Ok. Four places. 1) Haiku Smackdown at Zoot's place. At last count? Over 580 haikus, not including people with the mad multiple verse post action. Tis a site to behold. 2) Work. Duh. 3) A bridal shower for a coworker that I COMPLETELY forgot about until 10:30. The shower was at 12:30. I freaked out about a gift (in haiku form, of course) until 11:30 when I went out and got the always thoughtful and appropriate gift of a wad of cash. Then I ate some cake. 4) Over at, composing what may be either the most brilliant photo essay of my life or the post that will totally get my ass sued by crazy Who's the Boss? fans. Confused? Well then, I think you better go read it for yo'self. Read more →

Haiku Smackdown IV: I Know What You Did Last Thursday

Thank goodness it's Wednesday, because Wednesday means I can be lazy and just post some crap about tomorrow's Thursday Haiku Smackdown. Tomorrow morning, get your 'ku on over at Zoot's. She'll have a post and a little fluffy comments board all ready for you. She also made the Smackdown its very own website! It rocks and is so pretty. It also very nearly killed her, so y'all better sing her some major 5-7-5 praises tomorrow. Now (and I know this may confuse some people) is NOT going to be hosting the Smackdown. Like, ever. Because all of us? Are dirty, filthy hits-and-comments whores. We're not giving up our mad Thursday traffic just to make it a little easier on you. Sorry about that. But will be your portal to all things haiku -- results, haiku count, permanent archives, and of course, the location of the next Smackdown. So love it, bookmark it, sacrifice small animals to it, whatever. Just don't post your 'kus there because we'll laugh at you. Obligatory crap for newbies: Haikus are poems. They don't...wait, I don't need to tell you all this basic stuff's all on the website! Whee! So go to Read more →

The "My Pictures" Folder of Doom

While I'm off thinking of something Fun and Interesting to write about, here are some completely random photos I found on my computer. There is no narrative thread to this photo essay whatsoever. I have no idea when most of these were taken or why I have them on my computer at work. Especially the ones from my friend's bachelorette party with the stripper. I really shouldn't have those here. And I'm not posting them either. He wasn't very good-looking and the one of him on my lap has someone's thumb in the way, so you're really not missing out on much. Anyway. What? Oh, right. Pictures. Also: anyone with a dial-up connection is pretty well screwed. Sorry. Here's my brother, my nephew and me. Isn't he cute? And aren't I tan? And don't you just love when a photo comes out just blurry enough to be really, really flattering? Here's another nephew. You know he's one super-cute kid when he looks totally adorable while holding some kind of vile shrimp-insect thing. Here's me with an award I won for work. Second place in Best Financial Advisory Newsletter, beeatch. I was beaten by Investor's Digest of Canada. Which is neither... Read more →

Amy vs. The Department of Education

OR, AMY IS PROBABLY AN IDIOT BUT WE'RE BLAMING SOMEONE ELSE ENTIRELY So I got this letter from the Department of Education on Friday, saying that the automatic debiting of my student loan payment had been halted. (PANIC ATTACK #1: Oh shit, oh shit...did I change my information when I opened that new bank account? Did I just default on my student loans? Oh shit.) The second sentence of the letter said that the automatic debiting of my student loan payment had been halted because the loans were no longer in repayment status. (JOY ATTACK #1: Holy shit! I've paid off my loans! I'm done! No more loan payments ever!) The third sentence said that I still owe approximately eleventy zillion dollars, but that I had been granted a deferment or forbearance. (PANIC ATTACK #2: Oh shit. They've screwed something up. They've given me someone else's deferment and if I stay quiet about it they'll show up at my office and arrest me for fraud.) The fourth sentence of the letter and all sentences afterwards were all blah blah blah form letter talkyspeak. So I went to the Department of Education's lovely website, and after trying every single username/password combination... Read more →

Baby Max and the Unbearable Cuteness

So I was going to do this whole Max-related post to preface the following, but I? Do not have time. Plus it's starting to sound all cutesy-wutesy crazy cat ladyish, so obviously I want to punch myself in my own damn face now. Maybe some other time. For now? I think this is all the cutesy-wutesy-ness the world can handle. And by "this" I mean Max's baby pictures, from when he was all brand new. These were taken in the dark times. The pre-digital camera times. They've been preserved on a FLOPPY DISK. They're old. And blurry. But still? So cute. So very, very cute. CLICK HERE FOR THE CUTENESS, SUCKERS Read more →