Haiku Smackdown, New & Improved
Haiku Smackdown V: Smack & Smackier

The Non-Packing Packing Diary

7:21 p.m. Home from work. Finally. Grr.

7:26 Check email.

7:30 Get out suitcase. Attempt to rip old airport baggage tags off.

7:32 Get scissors.

7:33 Cut tags off. Peel sticky ends apart and stick on cat.

7:36 Vodka.

7:39 Open suitcase. Find old batteries and mini-shampoos.

7:40 Put pink pinstripe PJ bottoms and pink tank top in suitcase. Adorableness.

7:42 Cannot resist adorableness of pink pinstripe PJs. Put on.

7:44 Put less adorable blue jersey PJs in suitcase. Because really.

7:40 Look for Tuesday and Wednesday's Care Bear thongs.

7:43 Still looking.

7:47 Where? Where?

7:49 Find them in sock drawer. All is well. Also find Strawberry Shortcake PJs. Put on. Pink pinstripe PJs back in suitcase.

7:51 I wonder what the weather is like in Pensacola?

7:53 75 degrees. Pink pinstripe PJs replaced with Simpsons Mr. Sparkle tee-shirt and white men's briefs.

7:57 Frantic trying on of everything in closet, on floor and in laundry pile. Hate everything. Have seriously nothing nice to wear. Am poor little girl from Les Miserables with the rags and the whatnot.

8:02 Is Juicy Couture business casual?

8:07 Oooh dinner!

8:14 Oooh vodka!

8:17 Everything in closet makes ass look huge. Hate huge gigantic ass and size four clothes from last year. Hate all-you-can-eat Indian buffets.

8:19 Ok. Brown pants with rose sleeveless top for tomorrow. White dress capris and black sweater for dinner out. Light blue skirt with striped shirt for Wednesday.

8:20 No.

8:23 Brown pants with cashmere sleeveless top for tomorrow. Black pants with blue sweater for dinner out. Navy pencil skirt with tan top for Wednesday.

8:24 Hate!

8:26 Black pants with rose top for tomorrow. White capris for dinner out. Teal striped skirt and cardigan for Wednesday.

8:28 Hate everything I've ever owned, ever. Except for that one shirt I put in the donation bin last fall which would have solved everything because it was perfect. Perfect!

8:30 Stalemate. Suitcase still only contains one thong, tee-shirt and briefs. Will throw all clothes in and continue battle at hotel tomorrow.

8:32 Why don't I have any pretty bras? Why?

8:34 Vodka! Bladder! Oh my god!

8:39 Oh my god! I totally forgot about that one black skirt I have! This changes everything!

8:42 No. No it does not.

8:45 Dude, I have not even begun to think about shoes.

8:49 Vodka hitting head. Ass is bootylicious. Am J-Lo, bitches.

8:56 Think VP Mike would recognize the dress I wore to work today? It's so pretty.

9:03 Am taking the following hair products: Bed Head Dumb Blonde shampoo & deep conditioner, Small Talk thickifier, Control Freak anti-frizz serum, Head Rush shine spray, Sexy Hair soy milk smoothing cream, Cat Walk something-something hair spray. You know, just the bare essentials.

9:13 Just had argument with Jason over toothpaste. One tube in house. Argued that hotels do not provide toothpaste, will not remember to buy tube at airport. Squirted adequate amount into plastic baggie and told him to go to CVS tomorrow if he needs more. Would think I was asking him to nail his damn self to a cross for the dental hygiene of mankind.

9:15 Going to miss him sooooo much.

9:19 If I bring sandals? I must touch up my toenails.

9:28 Oof. Should have painted toenails before having vodka.

9:34 Shoes. Oh my god!

9:37 Am bringing two books for plane. Big Fish and Virgin Suicides. Both movies now, yes, shut UP. Reading VS because just read Middlesex and am in love with Jeffrey Eugenides and want him to write hundreds more books so I can marry them.

9:45: Vodak. Hate clauthes agin. Love cat thogh!

9:53: Holy shit. Have to leave at 6:30 a.m. to get to goddamn Metro on time to get to goddamn airport for goddamn flight. Should be in bed. NOW.

9:58 Jason is doing push-ups. Silly. Squashy is beautiful!

10:00 I have no idea what I've packed.

10:07 Pick fight with Jason using time-tested "Why don't you drive me to the airport anymore?"

10:14 Where the hell are my sunglasses?

10:17 Lint roller! Need that. Shove in suitcase before Jason sees and complains about lone lint roller going away with the toothpaste.

10:22 Where are you, sunglasses?

10:27 Ouch. Walked into closet door. Hurt toe, perhaps fatally.

10:29 Toenail polish is chipped again.

10:34 Holy mother of god. I left my plane tickets at work.

10:43 Fuck fuck fuck.

10:47 Fuck.

10:51 Oh. Here they are.

10:56 I'm very tired.

10:58 Sunglasses are gone forever. Toenails look like shit.

11:00 Family Guy is on! Yay!

11:04 Better pack some Excederin though while I'm thinking of it. And cereal bars.

11:05 Check email. No one loves me.

11:13 Very tired now. Think enough nonsense and whatnot for now. Can't make sentences more. Going to Florida with Mr. Sparkle tee and no shoes. Whatever.



Amy -- I don't think I've laughed so much all day! I hope that you have a wonderful time in Florida...and that you find an appropriate set of clothes to wear while you're there. :)


The "Excederin" is my favorite part. I hope you drunk call me while you be being there!


10:17 Lint roller! Need that. Shove in suitcase before Jason sees and complains about lone lint roller going away with the toothpaste.
Did that happen BEFORE or AFTER the cow jumped over the moon???


I've said it before and I'll say it again. You crack my ass up. When you get back I think we all need an inventory of exactly what you ended up taking.


"The Non-Packing Packing Diary" Lol :)) Have a wonderful trip!!


After my second Vodka cocktail I always freak out over my lost keys and wallet. Tear the apartment apart looking for said keys and wallet. Only to find them buried safely at the bottom of my purse.

That was great!

Have a safe trip!


you should teach a class called "packing 101: how to incorporate vodka" ... hee hee.


That was great - next time you should throw away all your clothes b/c barely enough liquor will fit in the suitcase to make the business trip real fun!



I had the EXACT same packing experience for a trip last week, down to the vodka, Virgin Suicides, and Head Rush. Drunk packing rules because you stop caring what your clothes look like. Then you get to your destination and you're all "Hmm, four pairs of shorts, 2 Old Navy t-shirts, and a...*pashmina*?"

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