After reading all your lovely comments about dickweed ex-boyfriends and Lauren’s charming little story of young love gone haywire, it's obvious I have many, many more days’ worth of entries about my History Of Lurve With The Boys to share with y'all. So today? Lurve, first-grade style. Heartbreak, Betrayal and Cabbage Patch Kid Lunchboxes. Flashback (Wayne's World style) to the first day of first grade. I am riding the big school bus. I am gazing lovingly at my yellow Cabbage Patch Kids lunchbox. Oh, how I love it so. I also love my new socks with the pink lace around the ankles. I love my new pack of colored pencils. I love myself. Suddenly? There’s this BOY sitting next to me. He just got on the bus and then boom. Sitting next to me in all his boydom. Hi, he says. I’m Matthew. He sticks out his hand. I do not take it. He’s kind of big. Stocky. A bruiser. I am tiny and wee and probably would have snapped in two had this kid sat on me. Undeterred, he asks me my name. I tell him. And with that, he fell in love. He was in the first grade... Read more →

Last night, as Jason and I were walking back from the gym, I mentioned that it was time for another redesign for Amalah.com. I’m worried that between the whole “Queen of Everything” theme and my somewhat (okay, very) cocky writing I’m putting some people off. To which Jason promptly replied, “Well, yeah. I’m sure you are. I mean, I know it’s your schtick, but you do come across as pretty elitist.” Of course I pitched a fit in response to this allegation but also secretly knew he was right. And I don’t want to put anybody off. I love every person who reads this site and I read about a bazillion sites a day that are much, much better than this one. And to prove that it is just a “schtick,” I’m going to drop it for this post (and this post only, bitches) and thoroughly embarrass myself for your amusement. Here, in no particular order, are some of my Deep Dark Secrets of Mortification, Betrayal and Stupidness: (Please be gentle.) 1) In the first paragraph? I lied. We DID go to the gym, but were actually walking back from the burrito place where I totally pigged out when we... Read more →

As part of my quest to remain The Queen of Everything and The Boss of You, I've decided to start giving everybody advice about how to live their lives. Behold, the first of what is sure to be an immensely popular feature here at amalah.com: The Wednesday Advice Smackdown. (I go with what works, people, shut up.) Send all your stupid problems to amy[at]amalah.com with the subject line: "I'm a big four-eyed lame-o and I wear the same stupid sweater every day." Or just "Advice", your choice. Disclaimer: This is in no way anywhere as good and pure and lovely as The Vine or The Crazy Lin Chao Motherly Advice Column, nor am I qualified to give any type of advice whatsoever. You should probably be advised to do the opposite of what I say, because it's all nonsense. But since I just gave you that advice, you might not want to do that either. Also, the links provided with the signature of each question are completely coincidental and in no way mean that person is actually the questionee. I also lie a lot. Dear Amalah, I have this friend who just told me she's giving up alcohol for six... Read more →

Yes. I know. I'm disappointed in myself too. I told Chris that I would not watch The Swan, mostly because I was embarrassed to let TiVo know I watched it. (TiVo's been recommending indie movies and stuff on BBC America, y'all, I finally got it to think that I'm smart! ) But then today, while watching a Simpsons rerun, that irresistable green "thumbs up" icon showed up on a commercial for The Swan. What could I do? TiVo was literally giving me the green light to watch this garbage. It was like, "C'mon, you've earned it. I know you have a season pass to The Office and stopped watching American Idol. You deserve some trash." So I did. And I'm glad, because I learned some Very Important Lessons. 1) I'm actually very pretty and quite happy with my looks. 2) Except that I could probably use some fat injections under my eyes. 3) Also my top lip is much smaller than my lower lip, and this is apparently a really horrible thing that I should get fixed. 4) I'm not quite so ready to have a baby now that I've seen just what it does to the skin around your... Read more →

For you lucky few who came here over the weekend and got to read a certain post that was written when a certain girl was a little...tipsy? Congrats. In 20 years? When amalah.com is the blog equivalent to The Beatles? You can say you were there to read the Long Lost Forgotten Post, because it ain't coming back. TypePad ate it. Poof! Goodbye. And believe it or not, I didn't write that particular post in Word first, save and then cut and paste into TypePad. I know you're shocked, but as I recall...well, actually I don't recall anything about writing the post, which was kind of the point. Anyway. My mommy reads this site and I already upset her enough with all the fucks and damns and whatnot so I can't give her the impression that her baby girl's life is all about the drinkin' ana' cussin' ana' fightin' ana' feudin'. So bye-bye post. Although really, how sad is it that Amy gets sloshed and decides to post something and ends up writing about old ER reruns, her dinner and her purse? And also that she can't spell the word "drunk" but can spell "sanctimonious?" Well, actually...that's pretty damn funny.... Read more →

One post, two sites = Score one for my lazy ass! As I mentioned earlier, I've been working on a Frequently Asked Questions for the Haiku Smackdown site. In my head. Every morning. While I brush my teeth. No one has actually asked me all of these questions, but I'm answering them anyway, because... Well, just because. I already posted them over at www.haikusmackdown.com, but because I love them so I'm putting them here too. So once you read them here you can go read them again at the other site! AND you can go to www.jlbrigade.com and see what clever blurby thing I write about them there! It's like reruns, only cooler. So here it is: Everything You Wanted To Know About The Thursday Haiku Smackdown But Were Afraid To Ask Or Simply Hadn't Cared Enough To Ask. 1) What the hell is this? Please clarify what you mean by the word “this.” (This site, this Smackdown thing in general, this scabby rash on your privates, etc.) 2) Ok, what the hell is the Thursday Haiku Smackdown? The Thursday Haiku Smackdown is a beloved and venerable blogging tradition dating all the way back to March of 2004. It crawled... Read more →

You know when you take a couple days off work and then come back and suddenly there's so much work to be done you kinda just want to curl up in a little ball under your desk and cry? Or is that only me? Anyway. I'm almost ready to start talking about the Heartbreaking Weekend of Unbearable Suckage, but not quite yet. Maybe later today. In the meantime, I have been up to some pretty damn funny stuff if you've missed me here the past day or so. All Amalaholics are encouraged to go check out: The Judith Light Brigade site. If you haven't bookmarked it yet, what the hell is wrong with you? Not only is it super-functional and tells you when a seriously funny group of people update their respective journals, it has seriously funny little blurby things about the new entries. Most of which are written by me. And I crack my ass up. Shut up. I'm entitled. Four brand new episodes of the seriously funny animated soap opera that I write with Lauren, whom I love more than nacho chips with queso. We were on a bit of a roll yesterday and man, we are freaking... Read more →

To: The Universe, c/o Karma Payable Department From: Amalah Re: Services Rendered and Services Owed Description of Services: Complete and Utter Royal Screwjob Herewith, please find Amalah’s (hereafter known as “Injured Party") demands for payback from the Universe (hereafter known as “the Universe”). 1) The Universe shall not fuck with Injured Party for a minimum of six (6) months. 2) The Injured Party and her immediate friends and family shall be granted good health, clear skin, piles of money and funny blog topics about bad things that happen to OTHER PEOPLE. 2a) Injured Party shall be allowed to smoke without repercussions. 2b) Injured Party shall lose 10 pounds without giving up carbs, sugar or alcohol. Injured Party makes this demand because the weight is only there because of the medicines she takes as a result of the Universe not getting a move on item three (3) already. 3) The Universe will knock Injured Party up and shall do it soon, bitch. 3a) Morning sickness shall not be included in the knocking up process. 3b) Morning sickness shall continue to plague that one girl whom the Injured Party intensely dislikes for the remainder of her pregnancy, that fertile bitch. 4) John... Read more →

I woke up this morning with a huge (yooge!) bee on my pillow. It made scary buzzing noises and I had to use a legal sized folder to coax it back outside. I don't kill bugs that big...not for any bug-loving-all-God's-creatures kind of crap...but because I can't kill anything that makes an audible crunching/squishing sound and leaves substantial bug guts behind. Eesh. Today has actually been all about the bug guts, interestingly enough. My poor car was covered in them after our long drive to and from Vermont so I took it to a car wash over lunch. So a $6 car wash and some intense squeegee action later, my windshield is about 73% bug gut free. Splat, suckahs. And I might as well BE bug guts, because I forgot my friend Andie's birthday on Thursday. Like, completely. La la la I'm all obsessed with my foot and then it's off to Vermont and then what? My best friend's birthday? The friend who is getting married in September and whose MAID of HONOR just so happens to be ME? Her birthday? She's soooo going to make me wear something salmon-colored with big puffy sleeves. Happy belated birthday, Andie. Love, Squishy... Read more →

Well. Yes. I'm back. I'm back from what can unequivocally be considered the Worst Vacation Ever. Evah. But more on that later. I cannot even bear to be all rehashing it yet. Plus I have about 178 emails to get through and desperately need a nap. If only there was some way to do both at the same damn time. In the meantime, here are just a few random thoughts in preparation for the full-blown Worst Vacation Ever Evah post: - The best way to kick off a vacation is to get a call from your mom as you arrive at your destination that your dad is in the hospital. Because that thing? That nearly killed him before? Yeah, it's back. (He's doing better now. Kinda.) - Speeding tickets are funny when they happen to your spouse. And foot injuries guarantee that karma will not bite you in the ass for laughing at him, at least not for this road trip. - Only the quadruple black diamond death trails are open at Killington right now. So for somebody who can only ski the fluffy green bunny wunny trails, this was a weekend of a lot of Sitting Around On My... Read more →