Behold, I am a Genius
Slight Delay in Programming

Attention Internet: Amy is Alive. Alive!

Look! An update! Update! Update! Update!

So I am happy to report that I am not dead, maimed, depressed, on hiatus, kidnapped or eaten by zombies. I did have a killer attack of writer's block though, followed up with a secondary infection of work. Work work work. Because believe it or not, I'm vaguely important at work and many important tasks depend on me. Like whining about things and the occasional memo.

I wanted to update today, and even started writing an entry when the power went out. (And because that entry is lost forever? It was probably the funniest and most brilliant entry ever, never to be repeated.) But for real, I mean the power went OUT. Total blackness. Turns out some drunk construction worker drove a tractor into a transponder/transformer/transexual or something and knocked out the entire power grid. Poof.

So we all waited around for awhile. I retrieved my soup from the microwave and tried to think of non-electrical ways to heat it up. I discussed last Sunday's whacking on the Sopranos. (Verdict: sad!) I texted some peeps I know. I carried out my recycling and inventoried my pens by the light of my cellphone. Finally it started to get hella hot so they sent us all home.

(I told TiVo to record Young Frankenstein, and I have ended up with two hours of infomercials. And not even good ones, like Proactiv. Stupid ones, like Body By Jake. That guy is creeeeeepy.)

So now I'm at home, although I seriously did more work at home this afternoon than like, ever. I'm all diligent and stuff.

(Reno 911 is coming back. I'm so happy.)

So what else has happened since Friday? Hmm. I recovered from a killer hangover in time to go to a friend's surprise 30th birthday, which was awesome, because he proposed to his girlfriend in front of everybody and it was just all so awwww and nice and sweet. And then we all went out dancing until 2 in the morning. And congratulations for Mike and Jen. Yay!

(28 Days Later is FUCKING SCARY. Bloody zombies and machetes and such. I won't be able to sleep as long as that movie is in my TiVo menu. Delete!)

One not-awesome thing about the surprise party was a pregnant woman who SMOKED and DRANK throughout the whole thing. And I mean pregnant. And I mean smoked. Apparently, she did the same throughout her first two (two!) pregnancies and those kids turned out all right, so what's the big fucking deal, bitch?

I don't believe I have ever fantasized about bitchslapping a woman (a pregnant woman, no less) so hard and so often. Dear Jesus, please explain that one to me because really. Really. Grr.

Anyway. We also bought a new couch this weekend! Look at us, buying furniture! Like grown-ups do sometimes! Here's our pretty new couch, which will be born next Wednesday. I am not planning on natural couchbirth; I have hired a surrogate to deliver it.

Oy. I want to bitchslap MYSELF after that awful metaphor. That's exactly why I haven't been posting. But the next time I got three or four days without updating? There's no need to worry. Jason has my username and password and strict instructions to immediately notify the Internet in the event of my death.



SOOOOOO glad I was not there, though I would have held her down for you. Julie and Julia, we would have tied her up and kept her in the root cellar until you arrived and had a crack at her, too. And then duct-taped her into the refridgerator box with Bethany and Asshole Heather (Read the archives, people, you'll thank me later!)


The best thing about being pregnant with a new couch is that you're still allowed to smoke and drink! And I think that the delivery is a lot less painful.

Morty's Little Buddy

Bummer, being eaten by Zombies would have been pretty cool. Almost as cool as a round vibrating bed with zebra striped sheets. I bet you were sold on the couch by the descriptions of the "tight back" and "chunky legs".


Now aren't you all grown up!!! I felt like I had finally reached adulthood the day my dinning room furniture was delivered (and I too chose a surrogate mother for that delivery!!)


I think my aunt had an occasional glass of wine throughout her pregnancy. She's a smoker, and part of me says that her doctor told her to quit entirely during the first two trimesters and then only have one or something a day in the third trimester, but I could be drunk. I can't remember if she smoked or not!


New couches are expensive. We had a new was purple and looked nothing like us.

Smoking pregnant woman? That's just wrong! Seriously wrong! You should have just taken her down. I hold no truck with smoking pregnant women.

Oh...Netflix sent me 28 Days and I'm kinda afraid to watch it. Especially after my run in with Crazy Gardener.

Fraulein N

Ooh, look at the pretty couch.

And I can only imagine how that woman's first two kids turned out. All right, my ass.

your adoring handmaiden

Wow-- you urban sophisticate with soft modern appeal--


I'm telling you, as a girl who one day will graduate with a biology degree (in the next few years or so, I promise JP) I can tell you her kids are NOT ok. It's called fetal alcohol syndrom my friends and it can happen even if you have one drink once a week for your first trimester.
I'd link you to my new kitchen table but I'm an internet retard. It's Pottery Barn's Dana table. And it's so pretty. Almost as pretty as amalah's couch.


Sigh And the fact that her first two kids are "alright" will lead her to keep doing this until she ends up with one that really really isn't. Not that I feel sorry for her really, but that poor child. Luckily I seem to have no serious issues from my mother doing the same thing...and luckily she quit after one kid.

New Jan Brady

Your couch is purty. "Comfortable deep cushioning"! Aw, yeah.


right, right.. and kids just raise themselves too.. egad! a bunch of juvenile delinquents just waiting to happen.


I actually slapped a cigarette out of the hand of the most pregnant woman I have ever seen.

She was in a RESTAURANT, and smoked at least half a pack in a half hour.

I'm pretty sure if I hadn't gotten out of there in a timely manner, she would have siced her big trailer trash lackeys on me.

Pregnant women smoking ticks me off.

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