Oh My God, Holy Shit, & I Am So Screwed

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Haiku Smackdown VIII: 'Kuing On Da Bayou

Oh My God, Holy Shit, & I Am So Screwed

May 05, 2004

Oh my god Oh my god Oh my god Oh my god Oh my god Oh my god Oh my god Oh my god Oh my god Oh my god Oh my god Oh my god Oh my god Oh my god Oh my god Oh my god Oh my god Oh my god Oh my god Oh my god Oh my god Oh my god Oh my god Oh my god Oh my god Oh my god Oh my god Oh my god Oh my god Oh my god Oh my god Oh my god Oh my god Oh my god Oh my god Oh my god Oh my god

I have final exams this Saturday. One at 9 a.m. and the other at 2 p.m. They are both essay tests, closed book. I just checked on my classes (they're both online through Univ. of MD) and found out the following:

1) One professor has seen fit to assign a 5-7 page paper. Due on Friday. The day BEFORE finals and the day AFTER tomorrow. This paper? 20% of my grade.

2) The final exam for this class looks to be a BITCH and is another 20% of my grade.

3) The other professor has NOT YET POSTED the final exam review. She wrote "Coming soon, check back later today." She wrote this YESTERDAY. I have no fucking clue what will be on this exam.

How the hell am I supposed to write a 5-page paper in three evenings? The same three evenings I'm supposed to study for finals? How can I study for a final that I know nothing about? I can't take a day off work because I have a big print deadline on Friday (it's the return of the oft-complained about Worst Eight Pages of Text Ever Written Since the Freaking Dawn of Time) and also? Leaving for Las Vegas on MONDAY MORNING. FOR A WEEK.

And where the HELL are my glasses?

I? Am so incredibly and royally FUCKED.

And now back to your regularly scheduled panic attack...

Posted at 07:16 PM in tantrums | Permalink | Comments (8)

Comments

My cup runeth over...welcome to the Sucktival, Morty.

Posted by: Lee | May 05, 2004 at 07:37 PM

And I thought that I had it bad. :)

Posted by: Zandria | May 05, 2004 at 08:15 PM

This sounds a lot like my recurring school nightmares.

Okay, here's "How To Write A Five Page Paper In One Evening" as per Martha:

Step 1: Take a deep breath.
Step 2: Eat some ice cream. Because this is a good excuse to do so.
Step 3: Drink two beers. This will leave you feeling a bit inspired and creative, and the words will just flow from your fingers to the page. This plan worked for me through all of college and law school. Granted, I don't know what the subject matter of your classes are. My college classes were mostly in Philosophy and English and stuff, and my law school classes were mostly in, well, law. So if your classes are in microeconomics or something, this might not be the best plan for you. Then again, I have a sneaking suspicion that Alan Greenspan hits the bottle pretty frequently.

Posted by: Martha | May 05, 2004 at 08:37 PM

I would calm down and take things nice and slow. Dont stress it I never did and I aways came out just fine. Good luck to you.

Posted by: xerxes | May 05, 2004 at 09:26 PM

AAAAAAACCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKK! YOU'RE DEAD MEAT! SUCKS TO BE YOU!

Oh, honey, I'm sorry. That wasn't very supportive.

FUCKADUCKFUCKADUCKFUCKADUCKFUCKADUCKFUCKADUCKFUCKADUCKFUCKADUCKFUCKADUCKFUCKADUCKFUCKADUCKFUCKADUCKFUCKADUCKFUCKADUCKFUCKADUCKFUCKADUCKFUCKADUCKFUCKADUCKFUCKADUCKFUCKADUCKFUCKADUCKFUCKADUCKFUCKADUCK

Posted by: Mindy | May 05, 2004 at 10:30 PM

Perhaps prioritizing the admittedly more fun Haiku Smackdown isn't such a great idea?

Posted by: lizardek | May 06, 2004 at 04:06 AM

Hey, finally a subject I know something about!

1. repeat after me: coursework doesn't matter. coursework doesn't matter coursework doesn't matter.
2. Guess what? Coursework doesn't matter. Not really. Not even your professors really care. Not because they don't care about you. These are just exercises, a basis for them to put a little alphanumberic symbol on the transcript that conveys: 'check. yeah. she showed up. she learned something.'
3. You could probably can a fart, release it onto the 5-p. paper, and get a B. For something that counts for 20% of your grade, the diff between an A and a B probably wouldn't affect the outcome of the grade.
4. If you don't believe me about 3., you could ask for an extension on the paper.
5. That 2 beers suggestions sounds good ...
xoxoxox

Posted by: jilbur | May 06, 2004 at 06:12 AM

Do you have any doubt you can pull this off? Ok, well, I don't! I'm down with the beer...then knock the five-pager out. I mean, its only five pages which should be easy unless its about the intelligent policy of the Bush administration or the genius of John Stevens. Make that paper your bitch.

Posted by: Chris | May 06, 2004 at 07:40 AM

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