Up On the Airplane
May 10, 2004
(Howdiddly-do from VEGAS, babies. Tons of hilariously mundane things happened to me today, as did some craptacular crappolish things. But I'm tired and desperately need to de-funktify and get all pretty for dinner so I'm just going to post a bunch of random crap I wrote on the plane.)
I can now use approved portable electronic devices. Whee. I cannot, however, get up from my seat for another 20 minutes, since I flew out of Ronald Reagan Washington National Airport. (And you MUST call it the Ronald Reagan Washington National Airport at all times. It’s like, a federal crime not to.) Everybody must stay in their seat for the 30 minutes after take-off or before landing at the Ronald Reagan Washington National Airport, because the people who live outside the 30-minute diameter around the Ronald Reagan Washington National Airport have it coming, frankly.
(Note to self: Don’t let anyone on the airplane see that, ever, as it is Not Funny, Please Come With Me Ma‘am type material.)
I barely got my suitcase zipped this morning as my insistence on bringing my own blowdryer (it’s ionic!) caused some space issues. As did my adorable new makeup bag from Target, which I was also not leaving.
(OW OW OW OW OW. I just bit my tongue and there is blood. In my quest for pop-free ears, I got a little aggressive with the gum chewing. Repeat: OW.)
But I did eventually get my suitcase zipped and made it to the airport in time. I cannot yet say the same for my coworker Rosemary, who may or may not have made our flight. I called her just before boarding started and she was “having all sorts of special bag-related issues.” I hope she made it on, as I need to borrow a dollar for a snack. (Forgot to hit the ATM before boarding. Think the flight attendants would accept Visa for a $2 package of Pringles? Am starving.) I also hope she made it on for non-me-related issues as well.
I hope they give out some freaking pretzels. Oh my god.
And speaking of Survivor, (transitions? what?) what did everybody think of the finale? For once the reunion show was more interesting than the actual last episode, and jeeeezzz those people were all kinds of crazy bitter. And Rob and Amber engaged? Seriously?
(Dammit, the movie is Along Came Polly, which I really wanted to see. I have $1.43. I am pathetic. And now they’re reading the food available for purchase, which is making me so, so hungry.)
Anyway. Survivor. Shut up, Lex. Shut up, Kathy. Shut up, Jerri…oh, ok. Jerri shut up. And then she left. Because the audience booed her for bashing the show and being all, “We are not entertainment! We are HUMAN BEINGS!” This was very moving coming from the girl who’s been on Survivor twice, Blind Date, The Surreal Life and that Bravo show about reality television where she gave her expert opinion about how reality shows were wrong and bad and also? Not so great for that acting career as she originally thought.
So shut up, Jerri. Because of you, I actually agreed with stuff that Richard Hatch and Shii-Ann are saying. And that’s scary and troubling to me.
(Just got up and wandered the plane…Rosemary DID make it on. But she’s asleep so I won’t wake her up to ask for money. Yet.)
Did anyone else go from sort of liking Amber to sort of hating her? I mean, damn, girl is HOT. And now she’s rich. And engaged. And la la la, isn’t she cute and nice and America’s goddamn sweetheart or something. Or was that just me?
(You know, one of the oft-overlooked pleasures of a new laptop is a clean FreeCell record.)
So how long before some Survivor crew member leaks a Rob and Amber sex tape to the Internet? In all greenie night-vision a la Paris Hilton?
“Oh Ambah…Ambah! Yo’ ass! So smokin’! Oh yeeeeah, Ambah! Yaaaawwww!”
Haaaaaa.
(Oh god. I just changed time zones on my computer and now it’s fucking 8:30 in the morning. Noooo, not again! One 8:30 am a day is enough.)
So before they show Along Came Polly, they’re showing an episode of Friends. See? It will never be over. It will never go away. Friends has hijacked the friendly skies and it’s not giving them back.
I’m not sure I’ve ever written while this hungry.
Gah! It’s the episode with Bruce Willis. I love that one. I love him. I hear he’s very good in bed. No idea where I heard that, but I’m believing it with every fiber of my being.
Pretzels!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Didn’t this post sort of have a topic once?)
GREAT Post. You dont need a topic in Vegas you know? And I loved loved loved Survivor with all my pretty little heart. Oh - and I have bought EVERY makeup bag Target has offered in the last year because they keep getting cuter!
Posted by: Zoot | May 10, 2004 at 09:23 PM
Your Highness, I have traveled in 45 states and numerous foreign countries, and I have no earthly idea what Survivor is. I suppose it's one of those ghastly "real people in danger" television programs; I certainly have never seen it, nor have I wanted to. So I trust that you are giving us an accurate report. But, Mistress, why does one care? Are these people important? Do they practice brain surgery after the show, hold fundraisers for AIDS patients in Africa, find me available women, and generally attempt other hopeless miracles? Can you solve these mysteries for me?
Well, anyway, Your Grace, I do have one tiny plebian vice of my own: I love Target! It's all those wide, well-lit aisles, dandy low-priced goodies for the cheap and bargain-conscious, including boxes and boxes of cat food eaten by actual cats, not to mention acres of free parking.
Majesty, will you be working late nights in Vegas? Gamboling? Learning to give lap dances? Manning one of those dismal trade-show booths and offering glossy four-color brochures that describe the operation of large sump pumps? Teaching middle-aged male attendees how to lap dance? Please do tell all, love. And do hurry home. Ronald Wilson Reagan (The Greatest President We Never Indicted!) National Airport has not been the same since you left.
Posted by: Michael | May 10, 2004 at 11:36 PM
Bruce!!! *orgasmic sounds* Willis!!! Mmm mmm mmm... Demi is a stupid cow!!
Posted by: Amber | May 11, 2004 at 07:02 AM
Bruce!!! *orgasmic sounds* Willis!!! Mmm mmm mmm... Demi is a stupid cow!!
Posted by: Amber | May 11, 2004 at 07:02 AM
LOL :)Your post does not have ONE topic but a gazillion :)
And it made me hungry for Pringles. Not pretzles, they're not availeble here.
Have fun in Vegas!
Posted by: Sweety | May 11, 2004 at 07:05 AM
twice even!
Posted by: Amber | May 11, 2004 at 07:05 AM
What Amber said! ROTFLOL :))
Posted by: Sweety | May 11, 2004 at 07:07 AM
The first time I mean ;) Well the second time too :) I'm sorry I should be working and here I am spamming your comments! Sorry your Highness. Please forgive.
Posted by: Sweety | May 11, 2004 at 07:09 AM
Man, Bruce Willis on TV and no money for headphones. That's a tragedy. On my last flight, they made the announcement of what the movie was and then informed us that they didn't actually have any headphones. Luckily I only missed Cheaper by the Dozen...and really I'm ok with that.
Posted by: Kerry | May 11, 2004 at 11:36 AM
Bruce Willis? Bruce WILLIS? Bruce Fucking Willis? Ladies, it has been a while for y'all, hasn't it? And I think you know what I mean. (Incidentally, we say "y'all" in southern Maryland a lot. We are so multicultural.)
Posted by: Michael | May 11, 2004 at 12:16 PM
I didn't actually watch the Survivor finale. Not because I'm highbrow, but because I forgot. However, I started hating Amber early Monday morning when I saw her in her "I Rob" t-shirt. Please. She did not deserve to win, she just hooked up with the right guy, who proceeded to alienate everyone else so much that they'd rather give his girlfriend a million dollars than him. And if they actually get married, I'll eat my hat.
And yes, having to agree with Shii-Ann makes for a very surreal start to the day.
Posted by: jen | May 11, 2004 at 01:03 PM
after all of that....NOW I'm hungry. **searches desk for long lost bag of pretzels**
Posted by: Lee | May 11, 2004 at 02:26 PM
I think we can now safely change your name to Amy, Queen of Everything and Duchess to the Royal Line of ADD. Very impressive smattering of topics there! Survivor? Rob still played the game better than anyone and should have taken the bling. But its kinda moot now isn't it? Friends? It will never die. Might as well accept that now. I hope you have safely arrived in Vegas on your flight from Ronald Regan Washington National Airport. And all of us outside the 30 mile radius (just) of Ronald Regan Washington National Airport appreciate you staying in your seat. Have fun!
Posted by: Chris | May 11, 2004 at 08:05 PM
That was a wonderfully fun post to read! Thank you for making me laugh!
Posted by: Nicole | May 11, 2004 at 08:16 PM
Nicole, please! Amy was serious. What was fun about it? She LOVES Bruce Willis -- or she has some sort of weird fantasy thing there. Either way, your tears, not you laughter, are the appropriate response.
Posted by: Michael | May 11, 2004 at 11:51 PM
Nicole, please! Amy was serious. What was fun about it? She LOVES Bruce Willis -- or she has some sort of weird fantasy thing there. Either way, your tears, not your laughter, are the appropriate response.
Posted by: Michael | May 11, 2004 at 11:51 PM
Oops.
Posted by: M | May 11, 2004 at 11:53 PM
So, after the pretzels, did you get to say in your best Kramer from Seinfeld voice, "these pretzels are making me thirsty!"? I sincerely hope so. Because I can no longer eat pretzels without saying that.
Have fun in Vegas. Make those slot machines your bitches!
Posted by: Martha | May 11, 2004 at 11:55 PM
I don't think you heard the Bruce Willis thing anywhere. I think it's just one of those facts everyone just KNOWS. I mean, come on, it's Bruce Willis.
Posted by: Stacy | May 12, 2004 at 12:18 PM
I don't think you heard the Bruce Willis thing anywhere. I think it's just one of those facts everyone just KNOWS. I mean, come on, it's Bruce Willis.
Posted by: Stacy | May 12, 2004 at 12:18 PM
The double posting? Not my fault. I swear. I don't have a shiny new laptop like amalah and my drab old one hates me. Hates.
Posted by: Stacy | May 12, 2004 at 02:38 PM
I think we need a new queen. Amalah I, the Magnificent, has not communicated with her loyal subjects in days. I think we must presume that she is lost or has abdicated during her royal progress in the western provinces of her realm. Fellow citizens, in geopolitical terms, this means we are, in effect, queenless. I propose that Lauren or Coleen temporarily assume the duties of queenship until Parliament meets on Wednesday next to ratify the action of the Royal Council (i.e., me). As I was driving to the palace this morning, I overheard a number of peasants speaking treason due to their fears of an interregnum. I heard one say, "Good fellows, remember that we are peasants, and we are revolting." I fear for the kingdom. We must have stablity. Summon the Judith Light Brigade to charge their steeds into the mob. I will be in the next kingdom over ... uh ... seeking help. Trust me.
Posted by: Michael | May 12, 2004 at 08:14 PM
I always, always, *always* bring my own blow dryer with me when I travel. Sure, hotels say they have one in the room, but it's always a little ghetto one that takes 6 years to dry my hair. And my hair is fine and dries quickly. I need power! I need my 1800 watt hair dryer!
Also, does the ionic one really work better? I am wanting one, but have restrained myself thus far because I have a perfectly good one that has not yet died. But I think it might, soon. It's starting to smell.
Have you ever had a hair dryer die on you? With the sparking and the noise and the sparking right next to your HEAD? Freaked my shit out last time it happened. 6 years ago.
Posted by: Dawnie | May 13, 2004 at 09:07 AM
Rebellion in the streets, chaos in the palace, treason in high places, and we must discuss hair dryers. Good god, woman! See to the ramparts. Ring out the portcullis. Summon the Judith Light Brigade to mount their stallions (wow!). We live in dangerous times.
Posted by: Michael | May 13, 2004 at 10:39 AM
I dont know whats funnier, the entry? or Michael's comments. Michael - do you have a blog? I want to read MORE funny! You are crackin' me up over here.
Oh - I dont own a blow dryer. If I used one, I would need a wide-load sign for my head. My hair doesnt react well to blow-dryers.
Posted by: Zoot | May 14, 2004 at 01:59 PM
Meine schone liebste Zoot,
I maintain no blog, although I have been told that I am very attractive to women and so would be open to keeping many concubines (and I know we all see the connection there, don't we, good people?) Is it your wish to become another odalesque in my seraglio?
Well...so...anyway to get back to whatever point I wanted to make I am naturally most grateful that you enjoy my ripostes to Amalah, Beloved of the Gods, but I'm a tiny bit hurt that you find them funny. See, I am dead serious here; I do not use the Internet to kid around. The Internet is a serious place for adults engaged in adult activities, which almost certainly does NOT include trying to buy Paris Hilton's panties on eBay. You see, Zoot, the U.S. government uses it to post terror warnings, so I feel it is up to every patriotic American in these difficult times to use the World Wide Web for the exact same serious reasons as the Leader of the Free World and that nice Mr. Cheney would want us to.
And, to answer the very next question that I know you are dying to ask, no, I have never lived in the Lesser Antilles. I did once vacation in Indiana, however.
I'm heterosexual and I like girls who like to cuddle and take long walks on the beach, who want to live life to the fullest ...
Posted by: Michael | May 14, 2004 at 09:26 PM
Worst plane food ever: Dried out nasty Granola. What the heel were they thinking?
Posted by: feisty girl | May 15, 2004 at 05:28 PM