The Antibiotics of Absurdity
Haiku Smackdown: Yadda Yadda Yadda

Ask Amalah's Advice, Again, And Other "A" Words

You know how much I love you people? I am writing this column from my DEATHBED. That's right, I am DYING. By the time you read this, I will be DEAD. I will have DIED. (Have I used all tenses of the word "death" yet?)

I went to work today, because I am a Trooper. I also went a wee bit stir crazy yesterday, despite some darn good IM action and the most hilarious phone call from Coleen. (Summary: How are you feeling my darling? Shitty? Okay, let me tell you about my shitty day and make you laugh until you pee a little. Which is not hard with a UTI but still. Loave her.)

Anyway, now? Am dying. Jason's making dinner and I'm moaning softly from the couch. There's another M*A*S*H rerun on. My head hurts so bad the mere use of the word "hurt" is insulting, as it falls so very, very short. It's 77 degrees in here and yet I shiver. Mooooaaaaannnn.

But still, I write. I update. I got tomorrow's Haiku Smackdown post all ready to go. Do you KNOW the kind of photos you end up looking at while you scour the soft white underbelly of the Internet for creepy pics? You see...well, creepier pics.

And now, I answer your stupid questions for that Wednesday Advice thing that I really think only amuses me because they end up being my least-commented-entries. But still, I write. Because I love. And because I've already watched this episode of M*A*S*H.

Dear Amalah,

Many moons ago when I first started reading you I thought you were a cool black chick. Did you used to be Queen Latifah?

Signed, Wrong First Impression

I wish. Have you seen her boobs? I want boobs like that. I would stare at them and make fake hand-cleavage with those puppies all day.

Plus? She seems like she would be a very sassy friend. And I want a sassy friend. One who can get away with being all, "Daaaammmmnnn straight motherfuckah, that's what I'm talkin' bout" with the whole three-snap thing and the "uhh-huh" head shake. You know what I'm talkin' bout.

But no. I cannot get away wit dat. Because I am the whitest white girl in the history of white. Except that I can dance. Seriously! I can! (Thank you, Patrick Swayze and many Friday nights at home along with Jock Jams on a Walkman.)

But other than that? White. Non-sassy. And flat-chested as all get-out.

Dear Amalah,

We need your awesome sense of coolitude to help settle a fight within our cell block.

Which TV high school is fabulouser—Bayside (SBTB) or West Beverly (90210)? Please break scoring down by appropriate category(ies).

Thank you, Viper

Dude, you want to know how delirious I am right now? I totally had to Google "Bayside (SBTB)" because I had NO FUCKING IDEA what you were talking about. And I also mispelled "delirious" five times while typing it. And then I just did it again.

And I am also delerious (oh FUCK IT) because I am about to admit something Truly Shameful. I never watched 90210. Never. I don't believe I have ever watched a single episode all the way through. Except for the one where Tori Spelling lost her virginity because EVERYBODY was going to watch that one and I didn't want to be left out. Plus I was sleeping over at a friend's house so my parents wouldn't know that I was watching a show where people had the S-E-X. And talked about things like C-O-N-D-O-M-S.

So while I am far from an expert, I shall apply my limited knowledge to settle this for you and your cellmates, although I really hope there isn't some kind of "bitch" agreement for the loser.

First of all, if you're talking later years of 90210, you're looking at a Tiffany Amber-Theissan vs. Tiffany Amber-Theissan kind of deal. Which gives both schools a score of -183749326342 to start off with.

90210 recovers slightly because of its non-TAT years (oh my god, TAT, like, for REAL), so I'll give it a score of -134347688 to start.

90210 also scores high because of the easy access to drugs and alcohol. Just about everybody on that show got drunk, coked up, tweaked out or sent to rehab at some point. Although nobody ever jumped off a bridge while on acid and got all brain-damaged like that kid from Degrassi High. But still. Awesome.

Saved By the Bell? Jesus. Zack takes ONE SIP OF ALCOHOL and CRASHES HIS CAR. Pay attention, boys and girls...that's what's called a LIGHTWEIGHT.

And don't even get me started on the S-E-X. Everybody on 90210 pretty much got busy by sophomore year. Sex = Popularity. Awesome. And totally true.

Bayside? No sex. Ever. I'm not sure any of those guys made it past first base. Heavy petting? RUINS LIVES PEOPLE.

So where do we stand? Bayside: -2409803423403009990902937210947. West Beverly: +2

Ok, last but not least, let's talk about the actual schools. Bayside was exactly one hallway long. You got stuck with the same damn locker every year. (Although, I must say, they were very roomy lockers. People stored everything from prom dresses to robots to livestock in those things.) The library did not appear to be well-stocked. The cafeteria seemed pretty cool...except that it also seemed to be the only eating establishment in the tri-state area. Also, if you were one of the 28 students who didn't belong to the unholy TAT/Showgirl/Zack/Mariowhatshisface/TokenBlackGirl/Screeeeech bloc, you were basically mute and spent a lot of time pacing around.

I don't remember much about 90210's actual school, but I think this is a good thing. There was an OUTSIDE. Granted, that outside mostly comprised of a lame-ass bar named after a seed with a dumb alliterative name, but still. The principal's wife didn't deliver her baby in the school hallway with Luke Perry's assistance or anything. There were hospitals and rehab centers for that sort of thing.

Anyway. I think 90210 wins. But what do I know? I never watched Shannen Doherty act until Charmed, so I should probably take away a few million points for that. Also for spelling Shannen with an "e." But that wouldn't be fair or very scientific. And that's what I'm all about.


feisty girl

Non-sassy? Who you kidding?!?


Dear Amalah,

I do most sincerely hope that despite your multiple employment of the various forms of the word dying, you have not succumbed to the evil sinus infection plus UTI that actually causes death. But if you have (or if you do), can I have your new funky shirt and cufflinks? I think we may be the same size.

Much Love,


OMG! I never watched 90210 either..

Mostly because the first year it was on, I still had a 9pm bedtime. So while everyone else was watching it, I was sleeping. By the second seasons, my bedtime was no-more. But I didn't have any interest in it by then. Geez...I thought I was the only one...

Fraulein N

Bwah! on Bayside High being exactly one hallway long. Man, that show had a shitty set budget. And not to be nitpicky (except that I totally am being nitpicky), but Mrs. Belding delivered her baby in an elevator. During an earthquake, if I recall correctly.


I have the most difficult time getting past Shannen being in Girls Just Wanna Have Fun to ever see her as anything else (I don't know why) and too many times I was asked where my twin brother was or if my last name was Walsh. I have to say that SBTB should win this one... lets not forget the early Miss Bliss years, here, people- nor the GIGANTIC cell phone Zach used to carry.

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