Please Report to the Amalah's Office
July 20, 2004
Good afternoon, lovelies.
I am calm and collected today, and only barely on the verge of a spaz attack of some kind. So does that mean this entry will be boring? Possibly. But there are pictures! Pictures are not boring.
Unless they are pictures of my office, which they totally are, so yes. Boring.
(I still have not stopped with the new camera love. I mean, it is SO TINY. And I PUSH A BUTTON and it TAKES A PICTURE. I will NEVER QUIT with the LOVE for this CAMERA.)
Well, I will for awhile, because the battery just died. So no more pictures today. But that is okay, because I already took like, four dozen to bore you with.
Also, I just drank a lot of Coke at lunch. And then a venti iced coffee. (Venti is Italian for "fucking huge ass coffee.") So I am a bit jiiiiittttttttttttttery. Jiiiiittttttt. Ery. I like holding keys down. iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii. Especially the i key. It's very satisfying.
You know what else is satisfying? A good night's sleep. Not like I would know right now, because my darling husband caught my insomnia last night. Allllllll night. I woke up around 3 am because the man was doing PUSH-UPS in our BEDROOM. I yelled at him or threw a pillow at him or something, because then he went downstairs and left comments on all the Judith Light Brigade sites.
The man is strange, yo. And then? To add insult to injury? He worked from home today? Because he was so tired? And he emailed THIS to me:
Bastard. But oh my god, he's so cute.
He also, apparently, took a picture of my near-naked ass with the new camera last night. Which I was not aware of. Until I started going through the pictures on it today and was confronted with a close-up of my own butt. Nice. The only thing that would have been nicer, frankly, would have been if I had discovered that picture while showing someone ELSE the new camera. Like, my boss, for instance. Or Chris.
Because Chris and I had lunch today. Yes. Which is where I drank all the Coke and then decided a venti venti venti was in order. I forgot to take pictures though, except for these, which are of the cup holders in his car.
Seriously. Click on that there thumbnail, chickies, and just BEHOLD that horror. I believe those are jimmies (or "sprinkles" for those of you unfamiliar with the proper phraseology) from donuts. Many, many donuts. The crumpled up receipt is from me, because I am Rude.
Anyway.
So Jason is at home snuggled up with my gorgeous, precious cat, Chris is wallowing in his own filth, and I? Am here.
This is my office. That is my desk. Run, Spot, run!
Several things of note in this picture.
1) The Starbucks travel mug, which I brought from home this morning, that was full of coffee, which you can add to my total caffeine tally of the day.
2) The little Tiffany's bag, which I carried some CDs and the camera in today. That I carry something in everyday. Is that not SO obnoxious of me?
3) The sensual mood lighting from IKEA, for I hate the ceiling lights so that I would rather work in a dim dank cave.
4) The Carbon Leaf poster, recently hung in its place of glory.
5) The wall calendar, which was not my choice, but was my Christmas gift from my company. They also supplied me with refills for my dayplanner. They really want to make sure I know what day it is. But they didn't have to worry, because my underwear tells me that.
This is the other side of my office. Please note the abundance of Important Looking Files and Binders and Finance Books, which are exquisitely balanced with the talking Pets.com sock puppet, Muppet finger puppets, tribble and Justin Timberlake bobblehead. Also Mickey and Eeyore, who is Scotch-taped to the bookcase by his neck. Also also, fake flowers from Target give my office a very homey feel.
I know how to work exactly three buttons on that phone, by the way.
I think I've mentioned my hoard (horde? whored?) of free trial subscription financial newspapers, right? Here they are. They are so pretty and unsullied. And unread.
There is an envelope from The Wall Street Journal in my mailbox at work. It looks important. I am afraid to open it because it might be a bill or something. I don't remember signing up for a trial subscription or anything...it just started showing up. So I will do the adult, responsible thing and ignore it completely.
Anyway. I'm starting to crash a little bit. But there is still so much more!
Like this! This is Van Gogh's ear! For real! I actually won this somehow. Some trivia contest or something. I can't remember. But the ear is actually one of those sticky stretchy things that if you throw at the wall it will kind of climb all the way down. It is Awesome. Except that the last time I played with it I threw it too hard and it just stuck to the wall and left this big greasy mark on the paint. Still. Awesome.
Now we shall move on to the more shameful aspects of my office. (And since you now know that I have no shame in owning a Justin Timberlake bobblehead doll, y'all better prepare yourselves.)
Ahem. First up. Under the desk.
A dark and vile place. Where small shopping bags go to languish and die. Where red pens weep, uncapped and dried out. Where bottles of water sit until swamp life appears. Where I keep a mini-fridge stashed with Coke and chocolate. Where all the Post-Its that I write important things on apparently end up.
Also, look at those boring shoes! Boring boring boring! I hate work shoes! I look like a nun! Wah.
Next up. The DRAWERS. Dun dun duuuuun...
Right. So the first one is the bottom drawer. In which there is a spare hairbrush and lint roller, plus my in-case-of-lunch-emergency backup jar of peanut butter. And honey. And oatmeal. That oatmeal is probably about three years old, as I bought it in a fit of good-breakfast-intentions a very long time ago. I have eaten about two packets. I also keep my lone office Christmas decoration in here, which I just removed from my computer monitor last Wednesday.
And now the top drawer. Which is just full of crap, crap and more crap. Old paystubs, napkins I have stolen from various restaurants, salt and pepper packets, a slot machine pencil sharpener, some dried ancho chiles and pages from my cat-a-day photo calendar that I thought were especially cute. There are about 202 pages in there so far this year. Also my calculator that I use for complicated stock market math, but which only works now if I hold it right up to my lamp.
Anyway. That's about it. Except for this. This was me this morning, before I'd had any coffee at all.
And this is me now.
FACT: Caffeine not only makes you hyper, it gives your skin a near-radioactive GLOW.
Man, I thought MY cup holders were bad? But Chris's are downright frightening. Hold me.
However, at least he opts for the sprinkled donuts, so it's OK. Still, dude needs a vacuum! Gah!
Also, I love your office. I have only a corner of a cubicle. But, I do have a window. Whew.
Posted by: Dawnie | July 20, 2004 at 04:55 PM
Apparently caffeine makes your mouth bigger, too. Woah.
I used to have one of those pets.com talking sock puppets. I lost it in the divorce. *sob*
Posted by: Mir | July 20, 2004 at 05:20 PM
Did you notice the pop tart filling smeared on the parking break? That's my personal favorite. I won't even get in his car anymore unless it is an actual emergency, you are very brave.
Posted by: Beth | July 20, 2004 at 05:20 PM
No! I TOTALLY have the same binders! And the stash in my drawers (desk drawers). And the mood lamp from IKEA. Does yours have white-on-white embroidery too? And a wooden base?
Posted by: Mindy | July 20, 2004 at 05:34 PM
Starbucks Venti Iced Lattes rule! I noticed all the Starbucks bags under your desk - I too have a pile of shame under there - featuring all of the conference tote bags with all of the books I didn't read. All of the Post-its usually end up on my shoe which I don't discover until 3 metro stops down the line - its the office version of toilet paper on your shoe.
Posted by: Sue | July 20, 2004 at 07:27 PM
Hhhahaha... I so very much hear you with the caffeine. I have at my desk my very own (once full) large travel mug of coffee, PLUS a 21 oz. drinking cup (twice full) of Code Red Mountain Dew. The scary thing is that I have yet to hit the jitters, which makes me think that this is just about my average intake.
Also-- my Mozilla Firefox has nothing but love for your site.
Posted by: bmh | July 20, 2004 at 07:37 PM
Do you know how much I Loved this entry? For real! But can I tell you that I am really jealous of your cute little bags under your desk. Have I mentioned I have an addiction to cute little bags? No? Well then...
Posted by: Zoot | July 20, 2004 at 08:26 PM
I'm not absolutely sure, but I've got a distinct feeling that I didn't come off all that well in that post. You and your office? Fine, cute and all that. Lunch? It was a splendid event. Me and my car? Ok...well...I'll cop to it. Its indefensible. I am a mostly organized and shiny-clean individual...except for my car. Really. And in my defense, you never know when some sort of catastrophe will befall you and you'll need an emergency supply of jimmies.
...and if my wife has anything else she wants to chime in about, she should remember that she has to live with me...and I know where her cupholders are!
Posted by: Chris (Mr. Filthy) | July 20, 2004 at 08:27 PM
This has got to be the cutest office tour that I have ever taken. That view underneath your desk is priceless...everything else looks pretty neat, but look closer!! She really throws everything on the floor. :)
Plus, your hair is longer than I thought. Very cute. Maybe I'm just remembering old pics of when it was shorter. Rock on. :)
P.S. I had to leave out my URL, because your website kept telling me that it was entered invalid. It wasn't. Damn website. :)
Posted by: Zandria | July 20, 2004 at 09:06 PM
Ok. I am originally from the Northeast and we call them sprinkles (not jimmies). It was not until I moved to PA and worked in a ice cream parlor, that I learned WTF a jimmy was.
Oh and Chris...for Christ's sake...$.75 and 5 minutes at a gas station will fix that sprinkle/jimmies problem right up for you.
Oh and I HATE that Amalah has her own office and I don't. I mean I manage 6 people and I have a 6x6 cube. Pity me.
Posted by: Jason | July 20, 2004 at 09:07 PM
(Dudes, what the FUCK is up with Typepad and the invalid URL shit? I know not. I promise to complain first thing in the morning though.)
Anyway, what the hell you complainin' bout, Jason? You have like, a whole square foot per person you manage!
I sort of manage one person. And my office is huge, but that is merely because I am Important.
Oh yeah. I went there.
Posted by: Amalah | July 20, 2004 at 09:20 PM
Last I checked, I was a senior manager and someone was a lowly manager...
Posted by: Jason | July 20, 2004 at 09:21 PM
DUDE. YOU DID NOT. I KEEL YOU NOW.
Also: You? Cube. Me? Office. HAAAAAAAAAAA
Also: I fucking LOVE YOU SO MUCH BABY.
Posted by: Amalah | July 20, 2004 at 09:23 PM
Settle down! Don't make me come over there!
Posted by: Chris | July 20, 2004 at 09:32 PM
Fuckin' A, bitch. Fuckin' A.
Also, my uncle Biddy is an actual Short Fat Jimmie Salesman, so he will tell you that they are, in fact, jimmies. We only call them sprinkles to make those in other regions look less like idiots.
Also, I worked in an ice cream parlor for TWELVE YEARS. Bitches are jimmies, and nothing else.
So THERE, Jason Foodie Dude.
Posted by: Coleen | July 21, 2004 at 12:45 AM
That's funny stuff. I think I want a HUGE iced coffee. That car is nothing compaired to my roommates. **Shudder** I try to keep on her about cleaning it. So far so good!
Posted by: Reese | July 21, 2004 at 04:08 AM
First, I'm usually WAAAAAY too busy scarfing-eating- those Jimmie/sprinkles thingies and the donuts they rode in on to give a rats ass what they are called. But that is just me.
Second, the Venti definition? Fucking slew me. (and is oh-so-accurate).
Ok, I love the office tour. My office is (was)similar, including the desk, desk drawers, etc.. So imagine my horror at having to pack my shit up today!???? Yup, I'm outta here. Must go find a new office to hoarde things in the drawers and in under desk hidey places. Wish me luck y'all!
Having your job phased out is a bitch, I tell ya.
Oh, and Amy? You are so hot I could just squish ya. Might have to take a small raincheck on that though.... seems that due to unforseen circumstances, my flight to DC has been delayed.
BTW,Jason is adorable *Hi Jason!*. He's right up there with Max (ours, collectively) in the adorable department!
Zandria honey, if you want to talk blog nightmare, look at MINE! As Amy, my darling love AMY, so appropriately put it.... it looks like something from a horror movie. Stuff is slashed to pieces and the guts of my posts strewn everywhere. For NO GOOD REASON. Yikes.
Must go crawl under my desk now and hunt for misc things to pack and take with me. This blows.
Posted by: Cyn | July 21, 2004 at 06:30 AM
There is a debate going on? Fine, let me settle it: they're jimmies. There, now don't you feel better?
I LOVE the photo essays. And those pictures of the cup holders make me feel so much better, because mine? Are filthy. No, filthy. They make me hang my head in shame. Oddly, they do not make me get off my ass and, you know, clean them.
Posted by: Fraulein N | July 21, 2004 at 08:29 AM
I am loving this! I would like to do this in my "office", but I need to take down the yellow tape that marks it as condemed. Seriously. If I went through it, and photographed the evidence, it may give the more sensitive types nightmares.
Crap. Look forward to seeing my office cleanup documented. Maybe I can shame myself into never letting it get this bad again. Or maybe I can just shut the door. Yeah that's right. Close the door and the mess disappears. Ugh. Gotta go. Need to pick up the Bobcat for the excavation attempt.
Posted by: Amy | July 21, 2004 at 08:40 AM
Hmmm, seems to me that me saying they are called sprinkles and then EVERYONE else saying they are jimmies is not much of a debate. ;-)
Posted by: Jason | July 21, 2004 at 08:41 AM
Oh, and Chris, I have 6 cup holders in the front of my minivan (yes a MINIVAN, how domesticated), and they ALL wind up looking like yours. Sometimes I can't even get the change out because it is stuck. To the cupholder. By some mysterious substance of unknown origin.
Posted by: Amy | July 21, 2004 at 08:42 AM
the cat calendar pictures? me too. in fact, i brought in two pictures of my old office at my old job to get scanned (but never did). i will post them soon and you will see cat calendar everywhere.
keep them in a drawer? oh no. i'm gonna let it shine.
Posted by: type a | July 21, 2004 at 09:49 AM
the cat calendar pictures? me too. in fact, i brought in two pictures of my old office at my old job to get scanned (but never did). i will post them soon and you will see cat calendar everywhere.
keep them in a drawer? oh no. i'm gonna let it shine.
Posted by: type a | July 21, 2004 at 09:50 AM
i don't know how i posted posted.
and now i've posted posted posted.
damn it.
Posted by: type a | July 21, 2004 at 09:52 AM
Those cupholders ... SO shocking....
I can't stand ceiling lights either...
Forget Jenny Garth! Look like Christana Applegate in the non coffee picture.
But those cupholders...
Posted by: Sweety | July 21, 2004 at 10:48 AM
Yes, I loved them so much I went and married them.
Jason, you watch yourself. I'm an actual Philly native. I will cut you.
Posted by: Mrs. Jimmy | July 21, 2004 at 11:13 AM
Gotta get one of those Van Gogh ears. That cracks my butt up!
And for the record, they're sprinkles if you're like, 3 years old. For the rest of us? jimmies. Still think you're hilarious, Jason!
Posted by: zanie | July 21, 2004 at 11:27 AM
Jason, I'm with you. They're sprinkles. And I have ice cream parlor experience to back that up, as well. Sprinkles!!!
Jimmies is totally a PA thing. Freaky PAers.
Also, is it just me, or does "jimmies" sound dirty to anyone else? It makes me think if "jimmy hat", which is so not a thnk I want anywhere NEAR my donuts/ice cream/whatnot.
Chris, dude, seriously. A vacuum. Especially before Ken sees your car, or else he will vacuum it for you. Like he did to mine. And it was nowhere near that bad. And, dude, I LIVE in my car. Seriously.
Posted by: Dawnie | July 21, 2004 at 11:46 AM
I'm with Dawnie. Around here if you said you had a car full of "jimies" I would first laugh very hard and then refuse to get in. Because? You would have a car full of condoms...the state they are in is up to you. Seriously, around here the things on donuts are sprinkles, and jimmies? Yeah, condoms.
Posted by: GranolaSpice | July 21, 2004 at 11:53 AM
I know the company that produces the confectionary toppings for Dunk1n-D0nuts (plus many other products like pop tarts). The Sprinkle King is their logo and they can call them sprinkles, shots, dec0rettes, vermicelli or jimmies. Anyways, if my memory is correct, it's a regional AND size difference. All made up of the same ingredients, just different widths/lengths.
Posted by: J | July 21, 2004 at 12:29 PM
Ah, I leave for one freakin day and this is what I come back too?
The war between jimmys and sprinkles rages on, and yet I? Just want a friggin donut.
Oh and Amalah, loave the hair... so cute. Cuteness reigns. Like Prince 'n shit.
Posted by: Suzanna Danna | July 21, 2004 at 12:48 PM
Good lord. It's a dessert-topping turf war.
I better get off my ass and post something new before y'all start throwing things.
Like jimmies.
Posted by: Amalah | July 21, 2004 at 01:13 PM
If a jim-hat is the condom, wouldn't the jimmy be the weiner inside? And yes, I'm using the medical terms, so step the F off.
Posted by: spammit | July 21, 2004 at 02:09 PM
IT'S JIMMIES, BITCHES. J-I-M-M-I-E-S.
Y'all sprinkle people are talking foolspeak. Yo no hablo HOSER.
Posted by: Coleen | July 21, 2004 at 02:49 PM
How come not one has brought up the disturbing fact that Mr. Cactus has the very feminine "rainbow" jimmies/sprinkles in his cupholder instead of the manly "chocolate" jimmies/sprinkles...or even manlier "chardes of glazed topping"????
Hmmm? Hmmm?
Posted by: Lee | July 21, 2004 at 02:51 PM
"Feminine rainbow sprinkles"? What the fuck IS that shit? I did not see pastels. I saw red and green and white. There's nothing feminine about that!
Mr. Cactus simply prefers some color in his breakfast. Because chocolate SPRINKLES, while tasty, are BOOORING. Same with glaze. It's all about the colorful, yo.
Although, since they are red and green, it makes me wonder... have they been there since Christmas?
Posted by: Dawnie | July 21, 2004 at 03:01 PM
Jimmie? A sprinkle by any other name...is STILL A FUCKING SPRINKLE people!
Posted by: myllissa | July 21, 2004 at 03:07 PM
People, I'm telling you, they're all basically the same thing. Seriously. The difference is very tiny and only in the matter of size. So, Chris, in order to solve this debate, you will need to measure the size (width, length) of all the toppings.
http://www.qaproducts.com/decsptop.htm
Posted by: Jessica | July 21, 2004 at 03:47 PM
You know, I have a cleaning person I can recommend for Chris' car. And I like your shoes.
Everytime you guys have lunch, you always involve talking/blogging/turf warring about food I can't have because that is the stuff I might as well tape to my ass because that is where it will go.
Posted by: Kymmie | July 21, 2004 at 04:05 PM
I LOVE your mini-fridge. Cool-cool-I-wanna-get-me-one-of-them-cool. And your work shoes, those are cute, but not with work clothes. They're kinda wicked-witch-of-the-West goes corporate.
And did you say dried ancho peppers? You did, yes, I guess.
And Chris-boy, your cupholders are pure nastiness. Sorry man, I still like you and all, but neither of you should show me those things again. Ewwwness.
Posted by: Shiz | July 21, 2004 at 04:09 PM
12:35 a.m. and I am not in bed, I am not asleep, and why not, you may ask? (Knowing the perils of insomnia and sleeplessness from earlier Amalah posts) It's because I have to read EVERY. DAMN. WORD. you write. I loave you. Also, the combo of Max and Jason makes it clear in no uncertain terms that you are a very lucky lady, Miss Amy. :D Especially Max! *squishle*
Posted by: lizardek | July 22, 2004 at 12:40 AM
I believe they are called jimmies. I met an old donut store owner once and he said the original term was jimmies named after one of the gentlemen who first came up with the condiment. He was a tall and slender man kind of like the condiment.
Posted by: rodney | November 10, 2004 at 12:18 PM