Oh my god. OH MY GOD. PEOPLE! FOR REAL! LOOK! Judith Light. AUTOGRAPHED. I have yet to stop screaming. I don't believe I ever will. Blessings and Loave and the Eternal Light of Judith to Martha. And Cyn pointed out a very valid oversight on my part. OF COURSE there were pictures of the Drunk Ho's and Ugly Dudes at the bar last night. OF COURSE. I just left them on the camera, at home. Where I am right now, so look! Pictures! (Click for the full versions, yo.) From left to right: Bald Grey Polo Shirt is Alpha Male who, for some weird reason, was the one who got all the lapdance action AND was spotted making out with both women. He swapped ladies when Black Talbot's Biz Casual went to the bathroom. Black Talbot's Biz Casual lost her lap to Fluffy Hair (in red, seen here doing a little seat cha-cha). Guy In Jacket just sort of stood there, just like that, all night. Non-Bald Grey Polo Shirt was the owner of the laptop that Black Talbot's Biz Casual spilled a beer on. He wore a lot of pagers and phones. The beer belonged to Tacky Golf Shirt... Read more →

SEE AMALAH UPDATE AFTER A WHOLE DAMN DAY FOR SHE IS LAZY: Friday. Fri. Day. Bitch. Es. Too bad I woke up thinking it was Saturday. I’ve actually done that every blessed day this week. I blame D.C. Restaurant Week, which has required me to get dressed up every night and go out for dinner at swanky places and totally gives every night a Friday night vibe. (Restaurant Week is well, a week where, well, restaurants lower their prices and let the poor white trash in for a three-course meal for $30 a person. Which should mean you get a meal that would usually cost over $100 for about $60, except that every place we’ve gone we’ve still ended up paying over $100 because we’re snooty people who demand lots of wine pairings and cocktails and sparkling water blessed by little French nuns or whatever.) Last night we ate at some Nuevo Latin Cuisine Culinary Trend du Jour place that was awesome. Quite very much awesome. Quite very much mojitos. Hemingway Mojitos, actually, which are still just booze with sugar and mint but are literary, and therefore sophisticated. We drank these literary cocktails and actually were more sophisticated than 90%... Read more →

SURGEON GENERAL’S WARNING: KVETCHING ABOUT A LACK OF QUESTIONS MAY LEAD TO AN OVERABUNDANCE OF QUESTIONS. Your advice columnist woke up this morning with a vague hangover and a bad attitude. Also with a dentist appointment first thing. Have you gone to the dentist when hungover? I do not recommend it. There. That is my first advice of the day. Once again, I’ll be tackling questions whenever I get a moment’s rest from That Other Job, The One That Pays Me Money For Shoes. New questions shall appear sporadically below, in reverse blog-order (newest on the bottom of the page, which is like the new equivalent to reading right to left). So y’all have to scroll a lot, which is hard and leads to carpal tunnel syndrome and I am sorry, but I will not screw up my lovely journal-like, one-entry-per-day template for anybody. Question #1, 1:01 pm Dear Amalah, How can one get such pretty, healthy teeth like yours? Also, you are so very, very pretty and special and kissably cute. Love, Amalah Why thank you, Amalah. I bet you are pretty too. And you smell nice. Anyway. Here are my patented 15 Steps To A More Beautiful Smile.... Read more →

Sorry about that. It’s all reading and words. But don’t worry, I don’t use any big words. And I seriously have the attention span of a gnat today. A drunk gnat. We’re going to Miami! South Beach. In two weeks. A last-minute little getaway for our anniversary. Six years. SIX. We’re on two hands now. We’ll be using our toes to count the years soon. HAVE YOU EVER WONDERED ABOUT P/E RATIOS? Of course you have. Here, I wrote this today and would like to share it: That’s the forward P/E ratio, and there’s no need to worry about figuring it our yourself…Yahoo Finance has it for you! If you go to Yahoo and enter a quote, you’ll see a P/E ratio come up with all the other basics, but this is not the one you want. That’s the “trailing P/E ratio” which is talking about PAST earnings history, not future earnings potential. If you are talking about the company’s estimated earnings for this year, you’re talking about the FUTURE earnings, so you want the “forward P/E ratio.” From the basic quote page at Yahoo, click on “Key Statistics” from the left-hand column. In the top box you’ll see the... Read more →

Am back. Y’all missed me, right? Well, not really, Amy. You never update over the weekend so I don’t even bother to come visit and was only vaguely aware that you were somewhere besides sitting on your own couch all weekend. Miserable bastards. Oh yeah, I totally missed you. Bitch. (stony silence) Ok, ok. Please tell me all about your frigging weekend already. Post some pictures and then shut the hell up. Thank you! I had a lovely weekend, actually. It was quite busy. But right now I’m having that “oh shit oh shit oh shit” feeling that comes from taking a WHOLE DAY OFF from work and then coming back to HOLY MOTHER OF STARBUCKS TORNADO O’ WORK PANIC PANIC SHIT SHIT SHIT. Also, the CAPS lock key! I missed you, CAPS lock key! I brought you some taffy. I am really, at this point, just trying to remember to keep up with the breathing. WEEKEND, PART ONE, THE FIRST I drove up to Pennsylvania on Friday morning-ish. It was an uneventful drive, except for the eventful parts. All of which involved my E-Z Pass. Now usually I would have great contempt for “E-Z” anything. But I love my... Read more →

Going on a little trip, chickies. Tomorrow morning I head on out to Pennsylvania to visit with the parental units. Dad and I are going to a Phillies game; Mom and I are going to spend money and buy shoes. Everyone's a winner! AND AND AND then? On Sunday? I shall be brunching with Coleen and Diana in Philadelphia, which shall temporarily be renamed the City of Brotherly Loave in our honor. And we are totally bringing a picture of Judith Light to prop up on an empty chair and talk to like she is really there with us. Because she will be. In our hearts. And in our crazy, crazy brains. Anyway. Since I forgot to give y'all any warning of my departure and don't want anybody to panic when I don't update tomorrow and notify the authorities because oh, my god, she surely must be dead, I figured I would plagiarize from myself and do another packing diary -- a gimmick that sort of worked once so therefore must be beaten into the ground, shot and run over with a car by doing it again. (That sentence was a bazillion words long. My head hurts now.) 6:30 p.m.... Read more →

TODAY'S FREAKOUT, BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE NUMBER ELEVEN: Hey, anybody remember last week? When I had seven special report things to write for work? And how much I complained about it? Am stupid girl. Drama queen. I know NOT of what I speak. Next week? Eleven reports. E. LEV. EN. And I won't actually have a week this time. I really have about four days. What's four divided by eleven? Or I am supposed to divide eleven by four? Or is that the same thing? How in the world have I not been fired yet? Yes, it's back. I missed it, actually. TODAY'S THE GREATEST GIFT OF ALL, BROUGHT TO YOU BY MIR: So a little something arrived in the mail yesterday. Something that could really ever only be addressed to me. Yes. That is a tote bag that says Queen of Everything on it. Look at the marvelous detail. So thank you to Mir (what's that link? Mir? Mir?), for not only the perfect bag for announcing my superiority to everyone, but for also giving me an idea for this year's Halloween costume. TODAY'S LAME-ASS PHOTO ESSAY, BROUGHT TO YOU BY MY OWN FILTHY FILTH: Poor Chris. He... Read more →

SAME GARBAGE, MORE WORDS, LESS CAFFEINE Holy crap, I’m tired. Sorry for the delay in today’s advice spectacular, but I was kind of hoping the Sprinkles/Jimmies war would lead to some violence. Instead, it's just getting embarassing for just about everybody involved. Way too many intelligent adults making "jimmy hat" jokes. Which are funny. But. Still. Also, I have been waiting ALL DAMN DAY for the office coffee maker to get fixed. Yes, that is right. FIXED. It’s some complicated coffee-packet-filtration system thing from Gevalia, and today it had a big OUT OF ORDER sign taped over it. I am not ashamed to tell you that I did not handle this well. I may have cursed, and for that I am sorry, especially since that new girl who doesn’t know me was standing right there. New Girl, I am sorry. I am also sorry for saying those bad things about the mother of the Baby Jesus. That was completely unnecessary. And I am sorry for the crappy advice I have yet to dispense. I think that is all the corrections, retractions and apologies for today, so let’s get started. (Wait, one more. I am sorry for stealing that from The... Read more →

Good afternoon, lovelies. I am calm and collected today, and only barely on the verge of a spaz attack of some kind. So does that mean this entry will be boring? Possibly. But there are pictures! Pictures are not boring. Unless they are pictures of my office, which they totally are, so yes. Boring. (I still have not stopped with the new camera love. I mean, it is SO TINY. And I PUSH A BUTTON and it TAKES A PICTURE. I will NEVER QUIT with the LOVE for this CAMERA.) Well, I will for awhile, because the battery just died. So no more pictures today. But that is okay, because I already took like, four dozen to bore you with. Also, I just drank a lot of Coke at lunch. And then a venti iced coffee. (Venti is Italian for "fucking huge ass coffee.") So I am a bit jiiiiittttttttttttttery. Jiiiiittttttt. Ery. I like holding keys down. iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii. Especially the i key. It's very satisfying. You know what else is satisfying? A good night's sleep. Not like I would know right now, because my darling husband caught my insomnia last night. Allllllll night. I woke up around 3 am because... Read more →

BUT FIRST, THE SLEEP REPORT: Friday night: 12 glorious (albeit strongly medicated) hours of sleep. Saturday night: Yeah, not so much. But how much sleep can you really expect after finding yourself in line for chili cheese fries at 3:30 am? (Yeah, just keep reading.) Although I did have this one really vivid dream about being Mariah Carey’s personal assistant. Mariah was exactly the sort of damaged train wreck one secretly hopes she is, except even more so, like Anna Nicole Smith. Like I picked out a dress for her to wear and she put it on backwards and I had to do her hair for her because she kept putting pink bows in it. And I was all, Bad Mariah, no! No bows! I also defended her to everybody by saying she was just “fragile.” She also had a huge ass. Sunday night: Was on my way to a good eight hours of sleep when Jason woke up at 4 am due to some kind of allergic reaction to our sheets. Or to the detergent we washed the sheets in, which was not my beloved Allergen-Free All but some vile Bounty-of-Allergen Tide. As a result, have been up since.... Read more →